Name: Stupid Human Tricks on Letterman, February 26, 1987
Uploaded: 2018-02-20T01:53:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Human Tricks on Letterman, February 26, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stupid Human Tricks on Letterman, February 26, 1987' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-20. Transcript available.

Thank you very much!
What's the name of that?
Probably on my mind.
Easy Beats from Australia.
How many, was that the only one for them?
One Hit Wonders, yeah, the Easy Beats.
Alright, you know what we're going to do tonight?
We have something called Stupid Human Tricks,
and these are people who I guess somewhere along the line,
in the army or prison or wherever,
have taught themselves silly little idiosyncratic peculiarity
kind of behavior sort of things that they do
and probably win money with in bars,
and they're going to do them for you here tonight.
This is only an exhibition, this is not a competition as always.
Please, no wagering.
Here we go.
Mark McCabe.
Mark, come on out, sir.
Good to have you with us.
Where are you from, Mark?
Seagull, New Jersey.
And you work over there, you work in the city, or what?
I work with ADP in Princeton.
Well, I don't know what ADP is.
I'm an automatic data processing computer company.
I sell payroll services.
Okay, and you've worked there long?
Three and a half years.
Do you like the job?
It's real good.
Okay, good for you.
What are you going to do for us tonight, Mark?
I'm going to put this beer on my forehead,
and I'm going to chug it down without using my hands.
Okay, you have here a tumbler of beer,
just like maybe six ounces of beer in there.
You're going to put it on your forehead,
and then you're going to drink it.
I'm going to chug it down without using my hands.
I've got to balance it a little bit and get down to the floor,
take it off my forehead, and chug it down without using my hands.
Okay, great.
And you realize, of course, after tonight, you won't have a job.
ADP said it's up to you.
All right.
You want to drum roll for this?
Sometimes it enhances the drama.
Sure.
All right, Anton.
Here we go.
Mark McCabe, formerly with some big company in New Jersey,
going to drink a beer off his forehead.
It's self-explanatory.
Go ahead.
I have to hold it.
Sure, go right ahead.
You know, that was pretty good right there, don't you think?
Even if he didn't drink the beer.
All right, there you go, Mark.
I need a little bit of room.
A little bit of room?
All right.
Here we go, Anton.
Mark McCabe, ladies and gentlemen.
The beer is being placed on his forehead.
Working his way down to the floor.
Be a good time to get his wallet.
There we go.
Please.
All right.
Wait a minute.
Oh, God.
Uh-huh.
All right.
He's moved the beer.
That's the stupidest thing.
It is in slow motion instant replay.
This is really idiotic.
There it goes.
And...
Oh, God.
That's the stupidest thing.
It is in slow motion instant replay.
It is in slow motion instant replay.
This is really idiotic.
There it goes.
And...
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nice job.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
This is really idiotic.
There it goes.
And...
Yeah.
Nice job, Mark.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
This is on the towel.
Thank you.
Mark McCade.
Mark McCade, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, that really should serve as an inspiration to you kids out there who
have difficulty drinking
beer the conventional way.
This guy probably votes in elections, too.
Do we have a Phil Anderson with us?
Mr. Phil Anderson, come on down and pick up your canned ham.
Hi, Phil.
Good to see you.
How are you doing?
Where are you from, Phil?
Northeastern University.
Northeastern University located?
Boston, Massachusetts.
I see.
And what are you studying up there?
Pharmacy.
And you one day hope to have your own drug store?
Or work at a hospital.
One of the two.
One of the two.
All right.
And what are you going to do for us tonight?
I'm going to balance ten pencils on my face without using my mouth.
All right.
Ten pencils?
Now, are you talking about one with the pointed end or the eraser end?
No.
Because, actually, balancing them with the pointed end would be pretty easy.
You know, if you're willing to give up a little.
How did you learn how to do this?
Procrastinating studying.
Yeah.
It's just kind of a goofball activity.
Sort of, yeah.
All right.
You want a drum roll here?
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Well, not that you're being scored, but...
Okay.
Phil Anderson from Northeastern University, Boston, Massachusetts.
A pharmacy student.
How much do you weigh?
160.
160.
And what year are you?
Midler.
A Midler.
That's third year out of five years.
Third year.
So that would be like a...
Takes five years.
A Midler.
Okay.
160.
A Midler.
Phil Anderson.
All right.
Go ahead, Phil.
Anton.
All right.
Now, wait a minute.
Those aren't exactly balanced, are they?
They're on my face.
You just wedged them in there.
I wedged them much further.
All right.
We'll give them.
There's four.
Oh!
Three.
Oh!
Six.
Seven.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
You pick it up.
Ooh!
Here.
You want me to get these for you?
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Bill Anderson, ladies and gentlemen.
Very impressive.
Here we go.
Here's the replay.
Bill Anderson.
A Midler.
160.
Looks like.
Looks like.
Looks like.
Yeah.
Thank you for coming down.
Nice to see you.
Bill Anderson ladies and gentlemen. Very impressive. Here we go. There's the
replay. Bill Anderson, a middler, 160. Looks like, looks like. Yeah. Thank you
for coming down. Nice to see you.
Looks like something you'd see in National Geographic, didn't it? Some kind of
odd tribal ceremony. Next, we have Scott Vassil. Scott, come on out, sir. Scott.
Hi, Scott. How you doing? Pronounce your last name for me. Did I get it right?
Vassil. Vassil? Scott Vassil. Where are you from, sir? I'm from Westchester,
Pennsylvania. And you work over there? Yeah, I'm a bartender at the courtyard
in there. All right. And what are you going to do for us tonight? Well, tonight
I'm going to stop this metal fan here with my tongue at high speed.
We're running a little late, folks. Good night. Thank you very much. Now, you're
not serious about that? Well, I'm pretty serious. I hope it works out well.
Have you done this before? Oh, I did it about six years ago. I started with a
little desk fan with my thumb. And I've just moved from plastic fans and I've
been using this fan for about three years.
Well, now, these blades are aluminum or something. They're metal. And this
thing is going to be whirling at a high rate of speed.
Now, I'm going to be stopping that whirling with my tongue.
It should be in it.
I have to reach. Let me see the disclaimer. Now, this is serious because...
Three months.
And you know it's serious because we've put it on a card like this, so...
You can't get any more serious than this.
This is very dangerous. No one should ever try this.
Did you see this, by the way?
Apparently, Scott didn't get the message.
But seriously, don't... I mean, should we even let him do it here?
Yeah.
Yeah, because...
That's right.
We don't care about him. We care about you, the home viewer.
Would you like to turn it off on your face?
No, I want no part of this because I can smell a lawsuit coming a mile away.
Put that on a high speed.
Oh, geez. No, no, no.
Just...
What is wrong with you?
But you know, it is a little cooler in here.
All right. You want a drum roller?
No, nothing.
Well, you should have goggles or something, don't you?
This is going to be fantastic. You're going to love it.
Jeez.
Scott Vassal.
Now, that's it. That's it. Let's call it off, right?
You're done, right?
You've got to get psyched.
You've got to get psyched.
Psyched.
Shouldn't we have a tarp or something for us back here?
Oh!
You're...
You're nuts.
You're just nuts.
You're just dangerously nuts.
We'll look at this again here in Sloan.
Now, doesn't that hurt or anything?
Have you ever been cut doing that?
Yeah, it's great.
It looks like some kind of bad surgery going haywire there in slow motion.
That's unbelievable.
But no, you can't do this at home, seriously, because you must have been hurt
badly.
Don't try it at home, really.
Oh, yeah.
Take his word for it.
Scott, that's it.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Thank you very much.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.
We'll be right back here with Peter Scalari.