Name: Network Television Debut Collection on Letterman, Part 1: 1982
Uploaded: 2018-02-24T04:10:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Network Television Debut Collection on Letterman, Part 1: 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Network Television Debut Collection on Letterman, Part 1: 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-24. Transcript available.

Network Television Debut Collection on Letterman, Part 1: 1982

Thank you. Welcome back to the show.
Carol Leifer, a very funny woman.
She started her comedy career here in New York City at the Comic Strip
and also another Club Catcher Rising star.
This is her first network television appearance,
so please give her a warm welcome, Carol Leifer.
Hey, and thanks for playing that song.
That's one of my favorite songs.
Remember that song? Petula Clark from the 60s.
Don't sleep in the subway, darling.
Don't stand in the pouring rain.
What kind of guys is she going out with?
She's got to tell them these things, you know.
Don't wash your face with chloro.
Oh, and hey, don't shave with a Guinsoo knife.
Here.
Bobby Goldsboro, remember him?
He was big in his 60s.
His big hit, Honey.
I hated that song, honey.
Oh, yeah.
The worst lyrics in the world, the worst.
She wrecked the car and she was sad
and so afraid that I'd be mad.
But what the heck?
Forget it, honey. Forget it.
You lost the kids, too?
What the heck, huh?
Bridget Harris, remember it?
Big hit, MacArthur Park.
MacArthur Park, it's a nice song,
but it's so serious.
You know what I mean?
Someone left a cake out in the rain.
I don't think that I can take it
because it took so long to bake it.
It's just a cake, pal.
And I'll never have that recipe again.
Oh, no!
Stable guy.
Ever so stable, sure.
Notice we're in high school, kids.
They don't remember these songs now.
Spoken to somebody in high school recently,
you feel so old, you know?
I feel like I'm the old-timer with the cane, you know?
You know, when I was growing up,
we didn't have HBO.
Wow!
No, no, you only had about five channels to choose from.
It was tough.
Yes.
So, I've been traveling out mostly in the Midwest.
Boy, I love the Midwest.
The people out there, they're so friendly, you know?
They're so nice.
You call up information out there, it's like,
oh, yeah, can I have the number of Ernie's paint store?
Well, sure, and hey, it's my husband's day off.
He can take you down there if you like.
He's more fun than Twister, this is great.
Anyway.
So, I've been seeing this a lot, too.
I've been traveling.
They have these artists, like, along the sidewalks
or in malls that'll draw your caricature for you.
You ever see this?
Who would do that?
Getting your caricature done is like saying,
hey, could you take my worst features
and exaggerate that?
Sure.
Oh, and I'll pay you for it, too.
No, no, no, no.
Make my nose look more like a banana.
That's right, yeah.
Now, Picasso, there was a great artist, huh?
This guy didn't fool around,
but he dated some bizarre women, didn't he?
Did you ever see those women in his paintings?
They're like, whoa?
How do you get them to pose like that, you know?
What do you do, open up the bathroom door
where they were in there?
Pablo!
Get out!
Get out of here!
So, I'm originally from Long Island.
Oh, wow, I can't believe it.
They're freaking out.
Oh, wow, I can't believe it.
Wow, look at all these people.
Yeah, Long Island.
I grew up with a lot of princesses.
Woo!
You know the type?
They drive Camaros.
You know, they're real spoiled.
I was a waitress for a while.
These women, they're so hard to wait on, you know,
because they have to have everything perfect,
or they go crazy,
start complaining to their boyfriends.
Always the same scene, you know.
They're like...
Michael!
Michael!
Michael, listen to me, Michael!
Michael, taste my tab.
I think it's a Coke.
Oh, you see, that's good.
They're usually the kind of women
that have to take off their makeup with Fantastic.
Shop at Bloomingdale's.
That's a great place for them to hang out.
Bloomingdale's is a little different, though.
Some of the women there, you ever notice,
like, they all talk like this?
It's like their mouths down to their knees,
you know, they're always like,
oh, oh, oh, Betty.
Oh, oh, oh, Betty.
Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty.
See this blouse?
Comes in puce, too.
These are the same women
when they're in bed with their husbands,
they're like,
Harry.
Get off of me.
Thank you.
Very nice.
Thank you very much.
And so you're back in California now,
you don't live here, is that correct?
Yeah, I don't live here anymore.
Is that the usual trauma, one would guess?
Yeah, it is, but I'm getting used to it.
But everybody's so tan out there, you know?
It's intimidating.
I'm pretty pale, you know.
I go down to the beach,
people think I'm a mime.
This is pale.
You know, they're throwing quarters at me,
shouting out requests.
You're in a box.
Walk against the wind.
You just got married, eh?
Yeah, married a comedian.
Is that a smart move?
Yeah, well, I married Morty Gunty,
so I think it's...
So you're Mrs. Morty Gunty.
Yeah, that's right.
How is Morty?
He's doing pretty good.
He's helped me out a lot.
That's an interesting name, Gunty.
That must be...
What, is that his real name?
Yes, he was born with that.
Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be
a stage name you would select.
But you didn't really marry Morty Gunty.
No, I married...
Hi, Richie.
Hi.
Rich Heidner, he's good.
He's also a comic, you mentioned, yeah.
Yeah, you could have him on, maybe.
We need the money, Jay.
This is the kind of show
Bob Eubanks would be hosting, I think.
And did you ever work together?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Is it fun?
Yeah, I think it's good, you know,
just nose and glasses
and joy buzzers and stuff.
It's fun.
Interesting.
You're terrific.
I'm very happy you were here tonight.
Thanks, I'm glad to have me.
Good luck to you,
and I hope you come back.
I sure will.
Carol Weeper.
We'll be right back.
Thank you very much.
We're out of time.
I want to thank the studio audience.
You folks were terrific.
Also, Slim Whitman, Stephen King,
Carol Leifer, Andy Kaufman,
Paul Schaefer in the band,
Bill Wendell, the studio audience.
That's twice for you folks.
Monday,
Quentin Crisp,
CBS correspondent,
Morley Safer,
and a look at more
dial-it services here in New York.
Have a good weekend
and good night.
Thank you.
This has been a Melman production.
Turn around.
This has been a Melman production.
Thank you very much.
Before my next guest went into comedy, she was a successful dancer on Broadway.
Her stage credits include such long-running hits as Annie and The Magic Show,
now doing stand-up comedy in clubs across this great land of ours.
This is her network television debut, so please make her feel at home.
A nice welcome now for Rita Rudner.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's so nice to be here.
As David mentioned, I was in Annie last year on Broadway.
I played the prostitute.
Thank you.
Before that, I was in The Magic Show on Broadway.
I played the prostitute.
I don't know why I'm always playing prostitutes.
I really don't.
In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun.
That may not be very impressive to you now,
but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
I'm originally from Miami Beach.
Thank you.
Yes, I was born there.
I know that's where most people die.
I had a nice childhood growing up down there.
I don't mean to complain.
I come from a typical middle-class Jewish family.
We were very wealthy.
I'm an only child.
My parents play backgammon.
For very high stakes, I used to have a brother.
Every year I went to summer camp.
The camp I went to was very pleasant.
It wasn't very rustic.
I went to a camp for overprivileged children.
Camp Gucci, ha-ha.
We had an indoor lake.
Overnights were fun, though.
I remember, you know, telling ghost stories around the microwave.
Roasting marshmallows was a little tricky, though,
because they only took an eighth of a second.
I don't cook at all.
Still, you know what?
Because my mother couldn't teach me.
She was horrible.
She was very lazy about everything.
Like, for instance, she once made carrot cake.
She didn't grate the carrots.
She'd just bake them whole right into the cake.
She even left those green things hanging out the sides.
There's really only one way to describe my mother, though.
There's a very old saying.
I don't know if you've heard it.
Neurotics build castles in the air, and psychotics live in them.
My mother cleans them.
She used to exaggerate about things, Gracia, too.
You know, she used to tell me she had natural childbirth.
I recently found out it was her own version of natural childbirth.
Before they knocked her out, she took off her makeup.
You know what really amazes me, though, about having babies these days
is that doctors could tell so much about babies while they're still inside you.
My girlfriend's pregnant, and she had these tests run,
and it seems the baby is normal, and it's a boy, and it's a lawyer.
It's going to be a real long time for me before I have children.
I'm very single.
My parents are putting on a little pressure.
Last time I went home, they threw me a surprise wedding.
They're very happily married, my parents.
They've been together forever.
They've passed their gold and silver anniversaries.
They're on rust.
I was dating someone for a long time.
This is kind of a sad story.
We broke up because, well, he wanted to get married,
and I didn't want him to.
If we had lots of problems, it's better this way.
For instance, his mother didn't like me.
I don't know, she didn't approve of me because I was in show business.
I just don't know why people think women in show business are so wild.
I have to tell you, the closest I've ever come to even a menage a trois
is once I was dating a schizophrenic.
I don't even understand how group sex works.
Oh, what did they say afterwards?
Excuse me, was it good for anybody?
This is the weirdest thing in the world, and it's true.
I was reading men reach their sexual peak at 18.
An 18-year-old.
Women reach their sexual peak at 35.
Yeah.
Do you get the feeling, though, that if there is a God,
he's into practical jokes?
Gosh, you're such a nice crowd.
I think I had a wonderful time.
I'm going to go home, which is a treat for me
because I love to go to my own apartment.
I've been on the road recently, and I was staying in a Howard Johnson's.
Now, it's very nice, but have you heard their new slogan?
If it's not your mother, it must be Howard Johnson's.
That's their new slogan.
I thought it was just a slogan, you know, but I was staying there.
I was staying there.
I called down for room service, like, four in the afternoon.
I was very hungry.
They said, no, it'll spoil your dinner.
The maid came in every morning.
She said, clean up your room.
As I was checking out, the lady behind the desk said,
go ahead, leave.
Doesn't matter.
I'll be dead in a couple of weeks.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Rita Rudner, very nice job.
Now, you were a ballerina, and then you danced in all of those shows,
or those shows, and you switched to comedy.
What was, why did you quit dancing?
Well, I quit ballet because of kind of an unfortunate accident.
I injured a groin muscle.
It wasn't mine.
He's doing very well.
He's a soprano with the Vienna boys' choir.
How was that being in Annie, night after night,
working with dogs and kids and so forth?
It was fun.
I liked it.
Well, I guess this is true.
You know the song Tomorrow?
Well, I'm not real fond of that song.
I liked it when I started.
I loved it, but, you know, a lot of times, you know, so.
One night, this is a true story.
The little girl was singing Tomorrow all alone on stage with the dog.
It was that very poignant moment.
And the dog started to throw up.
Poor old Sandy.
Darn the luck.
And you have other work.
Things are going pretty well for you now?
Yeah, I just did the Catch a Rising Star 10th Anniversary Special.
I'll be on HBO in October.
Terrific.
I'm very happy that you came here tonight.
Enjoyed it a great deal.
Rita Rudner, ladies and gentlemen.
We'll be right back.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Thank you very much, Rita.
My thanks to everybody who was here tonight.
Tomorrow night, Carol King and comedian Richard Lewis have a good evening.
Thanks for being here, folks.
Good night.
Welcome back to the show.
If you've just joined us, we're right in the middle of elevator race number
three.
And we're all pretty excited about that start.
My next g