Name: Network Television Debut Collection on Letterman, Part 4: 1985
Uploaded: 2018-02-26T05:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Network Television Debut Collection on Letterman, Part 4: 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Network Television Debut Collection on Letterman, Part 4: 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-26. Transcript available.

Network Television Debut Collection on Letterman, Part 4: 1985

I'll see you next time.
Thank you very much.
New York.
It's great.
Had fun in Central Park today, boy.
Teasing all the bums.
Hungry, are ya?
I love it.
You need a dollar.
Oh, here you go.
Sorry, a lot of you probably think that's cruel.
But you gotta watch those bums.
I'm telling you, they're shifty.
I saw one today pretending like he was blind, trying to sell his pencils.
Now, I know if they're blind or not, because if I try to visually freak them
out,
this usually works real good.
If that doesn't work, I buy one of their pencils and do this.
Ah!
Ah!
I'm sorry you had to see that.
You were saying, what if they really are blind, Jonathan?
Then what do you do?
Well, then, I feel kind of guilty.
I give them a buck.
You like magic tricks?
Good.
I got a great magic trick.
I just learned this.
Somebody throw me a Bic lighter.
I need a...
Thank you very much.
Just about fills that up, doesn't it?
Now, don't feel stupid.
You can see you're not alone.
I gotta...
There was this gentleman behind the camera here.
Sir, do you have a handkerchief?
Behind the...
Do you have a handkerchief?
Go like this.
You have something...
Okay.
No, it was bugging me.
It was really bugging me.
I can't concentrate with that hanging there.
All right?
The magic hanky.
Keep your eyes.
You like birds?
No.
You're a man after my own heart.
I hate them.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
Sometimes I do...
Oh, knock it off.
Come on.
You're like a bunch of kids.
Sometimes I do that for kids,
and I have to explain to them,
look, it's a real bird.
Hey, remember these when you were a kid?
These were great.
They really have changed quite a bit.
I'm kind of mad at the toy company
who makes this now.
Do you remember what they had around here
when we were kids?
Animals.
Now they have careers.
I'm serious.
I don't think a five-year-old
should be forced
into making a career decision.
That's not what makes me mad.
It's the realism behind this toy
that they're trying to...
Listen to this.
Here's an example.
The policeman.
The policeman says...
Freeze, punk,
or I'll blow your damn head off.
Freeze,
or I'll blow your damn head off?
I don't want my niece or nephew
playing with this.
This one shouldn't even be on here.
The gynecologist says...
No, I won't even do it.
The gynecologist says...
I'm sorry.
I'd rather have my niece or nephew
playing,
just maybe even just watching
those stupid, mindless cartoons.
Because they're not as dangerous
as the toys they have nowadays.
Remember this scene
from my favorite cartoon?
The brick wall.
You don't see humor
like that anymore.
Well,
to wrap things up,
I just had to show you this
before I get going.
I ate at the NBC commissary today.
And I found this
soy sauce bucket
with a nuclear warning sticker on it.
And in fine print.
Do not place this near your head.
In fine print.
So that you have to get it
near your head
to read it.
Now, I'm not saying
it's very dangerous
because I've had this near my head
all day
and it hasn't done a thing to me.
I've even gone as far as this.
Nothing.
No danger whatsoever.
It's just a stupid thing
they decided to put on the bucket.
I don't feel very good, though.
Do I look pale?
Thank you all very much.
We'll be right back.
Alright, we're almost out of time.
Jonathan, thank you very much.
Nice job.
Nice to see you.
Good luck in Grand Rapids.
Also, my thanks to Susan Mitchell
and Tracy Ullman.
Join Dave tomorrow night
with actress Terry Garr
and a visit to the Toy Fair.
Have a good night.
Go to bed now.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Television debut tonight. He is a very funny gentleman, and he will be in a
person. He will be appearing in person. He can be seen in person next week in
Denver at the Comedy Works. Please welcome comedian Dennis Miller.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Nice to be here. So I'm a comedian. That's my
job.
Now, jobs are funny. There are no hard, fast rules on making it to the top, but
a pretty good rule of thumb is you make it to age 35 and your job still
involves wearing a name tag.
You've probably made a serious vocation aware somewhere along the line.
I'm married. I've been married around nine months. I notice several sexual
problems creeping into the marriage. My wife's dropping little hints that
everything isn't quite what she would like it to be.
For instance, last night I was feeling kind of frisky. I hop in the bed and she's
lying there in a shark cage. And I'm banging my snout up against the cage. She's
sticking me with that prod, you know.
All the guys on. All the guys on the Calypso are laughing at me. I don't need
that.
So I'm staying out on Long Island with friends. I got up early this morning,
had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.
And, you know, as soon as you walk into the place, there's that distinct
worldwide feel, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
I was baffled by the complex international menu, so I just had the flapjack du
jour.
And, uh, you know, my syrup steward helped me with the selection. I, uh...
Thank you. Thank you.
I had a very dry maple. Busy, but never precocious.
I'm driving into the show tonight. I stop at a 7-Eleven. The man in front of me
orders a big gulp.
Now, do I need 32 ounces of any fluid?
This drink has an undertow.
What, do you dock your jet ski in this thing? I mean, you know, who do they
think is that thirsty?
I guess this is for the guy who walks right off the surface of the sun,
directly into the 7-Eleven.
You know, I'm a little parched, Habib.
What are you having a depth-charge-sized drink back then?
Now they have something called a super big gulp.
I can only imagine. They must back a tanker truck up to your house and jam a
nozzle down your throat.
It doesn't start irrigating you like some personalized Tennessee Valley
Authority project or something.
Flew in yesterday from L.A. Whenever I travel, I go by plane.
I don't trust trains. I never have.
Even as a young boy, I was skeptical.
I remember those old movies where somebody would get on the train.
Halfway through the journey, they'd reach up above the window, yank down on
that cord.
You know, I don't think I ever want to be on any form of mass transit where the
general public
has access to the vehicle's brakes.
I'd hate to find out we went off the tracks at 200 miles an hour because Gus
thought he saw a woodchuck.
I guess the big story in New York is Bernard Goetz has finally gone to trial.
The New York subway vigilante shoots four kids because they ask him for five
dollars.
You know, I'm not a legal expert.
I don't know if this man's guilty or innocent, but I can pretty well guarantee
you none of his friends
are going to be bumming money off him in the near future.
I'd say Bernie's just a little tense, huh?
You don't want to ask this cat to go Dutch, huh?
You know, I saw in the news last night, unbelievable, Walter Mondale finally
resurfacing after a bad,
bad political defeat.
You know, it's been a while.
I don't remember the final count, but I know when I went to bed,
Reagan had 598 electoral votes.
Mondale had three, which, if you think about it, is only three more than I had,
and I didn't even run, you know?
Well, thank you for bordering on applause.
But, you know, this guy spent 20 million dollars, and I almost tied him.
So, that's got to hurt, huh?
So, Reagan's, no, Reagan's our president again.
I think Reagan's a nice man, good leader.
He's getting up there, though.
Got to keep an eye on him.
I think when a man gets to be 70, we ought to start voting on him at the end of
each week.
Every Sunday night, do it over the telephone, like MTV, 50 cents a call.
You want Reagan, you want David Lee Roth.
Let the people skip.
You realize at the end of this next term, Reagan will be 77 years old.
77.
And he has access to the button.
You know, my grandfather's 77.
We won't let him use the remote control for the TV set.
You know what I mean?
You've been known.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Very funny, Dennis.
Very funny.
We'll be right back for Dennis Miller.
Okay, we're done.
Dennis, thank you very much.
Geez, that was very funny.
Come back and see us as soon as you can.
Phil, thank you.
Nice to see you.
You sound terrific.
Good luck with everything.
Please come back.
Also, my thanks to Maria Conchita Alonzo.
Ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow night is Medical Oddities.
We have a woman who has a small intestine that counts to ten.
We'll see you then.
Good night.
Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a very funny stand-up comedian.
He is making his network television debut tonight.
He appears regularly here in New York City at The Improvisation.
Please welcome comedian Jonathan Capps.
Thanks.
You guys having a nice time?
Good.
This has not been a great day for me.
I lost my hair today.
My fault.
My fault.
I had a bad habit of flipping my head back to keep the hair out of my eyes.
One time too many.
I shouldn't complain.
It's been a wonderful year for me, ladies and gentlemen.
1985.
Three months ago, I became a father.
Thank you very much.
And this is...
Thank you.
This has got to be the most powerful experience that a man can have to witness
the birth of your child.
I had read about it.
I had seen the pictures.
But to be there and to see the stork penetrate the uterus is unpleasant.
I had to do it.
I was trained.
I went through natural childbirth classes.
Great place to meet chicks, by the way.
If you're into the full-figured gal, you can be reasonably sure these girls put
out.
So I did that.
I joke about childbirth.
My wife, God bless her, was in labor for 32 hours.
I was faithful to her the entire time.
Thank you very much.
I spent the day with my little girl and my 80-year-old father.
I'm kind of proud I was the only one able to control their own bladder.
Poor guy at the age of 80 is getting divorced.
My stepmother's trying to get custody of me and my older sister.
But I love being a dad.
It's a blessing.
Well, it's a blessing and a curse, I suppose.
It's a blurse.
But still, I think it's a more natural phenomenon than being a husband.
I'm married only two years.
I'm still going through that awkward stage where you realize your life is
basically over.
It's true.
I don't care how powerful the initial attraction.
At some point, the lust is replaced by this incredible longing for sleep.
We're going through this now.
We've read all the sex manuals.
We've tried both positions.
My wife insists on turning out the lights before we make love, which does not
bother me.
It's the hiding that seems so cruel.
There's no reason to take sides.
I'll tell you what's crazy.
I find the longer I'm married, the more I'm losing my single instincts.
I was at a party in Hollywood last month.
Big show business party.
This beautiful blonde starlet comes up to me.
She says, my husband is away for the weekend.
How about a lift home?
I said, if you knew he was going to be away, you should have made travel
arrangements.
This scares me.
I made the mistake of listening to the news here.
On the way here, always a bad move if you do comedy, and I'm going to be doing
some of that later.
So depressing.
Big drug bust in the news tonight.
I have a theory.
Criminals want to get caught.
The reporter said 18 of the 20 suspects arrested are known to have organized
crime ties.
If they don't want to get caught, don't wear the ties.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Of course, the big thing, the nuclear arms race, nuclear war has become a
national obsession.
I was having a drink last night in my old neighborhood, and I got into a very
morbid conversation with a construction worker, a big guy.
And I said to this guy at one point, look, you hear the sirens go off.
The missiles are on their way.
You've got 20 minutes to live.
What are you going to do?
He said, I am going to make it with anything that moves.
He asked me what I was going to do.
I said, I'm going to try and keep perfectly still.
Of course, the number one killer in this country, ladies and gentlemen, is
heart disease.
The major cause of heart disease we now know is stress.
The sad thing about stress is something that we inflict