Name: First Pencil-Toss/Breaking-Glass s/fx on Letterman, May 6, 1982
Uploaded: 2018-02-27T01:55:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Pencil-Toss/Breaking-Glass s/fx on Letterman, May 6, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'First Pencil-Toss/Breaking-Glass s/fx on Letterman, May 6, 1982' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-02-27. Transcript available.

Please now say hello to Paul, yeah, Schaefer.
Yeah.
That's all I can say.
Hi there.
Hi Paul.
It's too too funky in here.
For those of you who weren't with us last night,
we learned, among other things,
that Paul would like to be known from here on out
as Paul, yeah, Schaefer.
And it was a, well, kind of a significant announcement for us.
And thank you very much, Paul, for sharing that with us.
Thank you.
I have another announcement.
I'm leaving the business.
You're leaving the business?
Yes, I'm retiring from goodnight.
No, no, Paul.
Thank you.
No, why, your show business or?
The whole business, yes.
I'm getting out while I can.
Tonight is your last appearance anywhere?
Yeah, anywhere.
And now, the end is near.
Goodnight, everybody.
Now, wait a minute, Paul.
I have to get together and maybe a little party upstairs afterwards.
Paul Schaefer retiring, ladies and gentlemen.
Who knew?
Well, it's Thursday, isn't it?
And kind of put a damper on things, Paul.
This announcement, I hope it's not illness or trouble.
No, I'm coming back from the business.
I'm back.
Oh, thank God.
I'm going to do the show and I'm back.
Thank you.
I couldn't stay away.
I'm back.
I learned it's not so great out there.
It's better here.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
That's a load off my mind.
Thank you, Paul.
I think Americans will breathe a little easier tonight.
I know I will.
Yeah, Paul Schaefer is out of retirement.
Anyway, on Thursday night, as you may or may not know, we like to share some of
our actual
viewer mail sent in to us by actual viewers.
And this is how we do it.
A piece of viewer mail number one comes to us from Newport, Rhode Island, from
Barbara
Hanson and Melanie Manning.
And these women write, stop drinking from that mug in between every sentence.
What is in there anyway?
Also, stop saying your studio audience is so good looking.
I've seen some really ugly people in it.
Oh, Barbara and Melanie, good heavens.
Well, first of all, let me tell you about what's in the cup here.
It's actually something that when I drink it, it makes everyone in the studio
audience look
mighty good.
Wow, what a handsome group.
Letter number two comes to us from all-American boy Kirk Hancock, Magnolia Dorm,
Auburn University.
Dear Mr. Letterman, the guys in my dorm and I were wondering, is there real
glass in that
window that overlooks the city behind your desk?
For that matter, is it a real city that overlooks your desk from behind the
window?
On the other hand, is the desk that is overlooked by the city on the other side
of the window real?
We are so confused.
Please clarify.
Well, I think this, first of all, answers the question, do college kids have
too much free
time?
Now, let's, uh, uh, Kirk, is it?
We're just going to find out whether or not we have real glass back there.
I'll just toss one of these.
Apparently, it's the real thing, Kirk.
Real, uh, try one more, see what we got.
Try this.
There you go.
I just don't get it.
Uh, comes to us from Berkeley, Cali, Berkeley, California.
William, William Schifrin writes, I just don't get it.
Sometimes you wear a sports jacket and a tie, while other times you've got a
plain old sweater.
Talk about weird.
It's apparently been some sort of takeover in the control booth, ladies and
gentlemen.
Some sort of a junta in progress.
Um, actually, William, I don't pick out my own clothing.
Uh, we have a costume designer, so we've had him to come out and explain, uh,
how these...
Please meet our costume designer, George Drew, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
And, by the way, before you begin, George, let me just remind you that the derby
was last weekend.
Um, well, David, the selection of your wardrobe is really very scientific, and
since we're about the same size,
every day I choose my own clothes very carefully, and I come into the studio,
and David looks at me and says,
okay, George, anything but that.
So I give him something weird.
That's very nice of you.
Thank you very much, George.
George Drew, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Letter number four comes to us from Jeff Wess and Kim Parsons.
When you were talking to Dr. Biscaglia, you used fat people as an example of
why you wouldn't hug a stranger.
If you had to choose between a fat person and a bum from Central Park, who
would get the hug?
Well, you know, I don't know who I'd hug if I were confronted by both a bum and
a fat person.
I'm going to leave that up to our studio audience.
Ladies and gentlemen, please greet now both a bum and a fat person.
Okay.
By your applause now, which one should I hug?
First of all, the bum.
A respectable showing, to be sure.
And now, the fat person.
Well, congratulations.
Well, congratulations.
It looks like you won.
Let's just go ahead and...
The first time I've ever...
Thank you.
That was very nice.
Thank you, sir.
I'm sorry you didn't win.
Thank you very much for being here.
And I appreciate you helping us out.
And what have we got for him, Bill?
It's the Bum Wonderland Day.
Oh, boy.
The royal treatment for the king of the road.
First, it's a supply of breath mints for breath as fresh as the great outdoors.
Makes your breath kissably sweet.
And sweet you'll be as you show off a brand new tan from Tahitian Tan.
The tanning lotion that won't wash off.
And, boy, will you be comfortable on those cool summer nights wrapped in a
brand new copy of the New York Times.
Complete with late-breaking world news, sports scores, and a specific section
for the ladies.
When it's all the news that's fit to wear, it's the New York Times.
Back to you, Dave.
Oh, my.
Thank you so much.
We're going to pause here.
We'll be right back in a couple of minutes with Mickey Spillane.