Name: Robert Morton and Zoe Friedman Remotes on Late Show, July 1995
Uploaded: 2018-04-02T07:35:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Robert Morton and Zoe Friedman Remotes on Late Show, July 1995' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Robert Morton and Zoe Friedman Remotes on Late Show, July 1995' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-02. Transcript available.

I have to apologize to my dear wife, Deborah.
I paid an escort service for a date to your show tonight.
Oh, great.
Now the whole world knows I'm going to work.
This is smart stuff.
This is the stuff we were saving for Mensa night, but no.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
Nice to see you here.
This is our good friend and our producer.
Is that your full title?
Executive producer.
Executive producer, Mr. Robert Bob Morty, Bob Morton.
Thank you.
Bob, before we get on with this, I just want to thank you for all the wonderful
things you've done for myself and the crew and the staff over the years.
It's my pleasure.
We certainly appreciate your every waking moment in this life.
Now, how long have we known one another?
Fifteen years.
Fifteen years.
And we're friends, aren't we?
Yes, we are.
We're close friends.
We pretty much spent every day together for the last 15 years.
Yes, we have.
And you recall, oh, I know you have a little something for us here tonight.
I have a little something here tonight.
This is a piece that's basically a representation of a day in my life.
It's a day in your life.
A little videotape thing that you've put together for us.
Ladies and gentlemen, rare insight into the life of this man here, Robert Morton.
A day in the life of Morton.
Go ahead.
Roll it.
My day begins with breakfast at Rupert G's Hello Deli, next to the Ed Sullivan
Theater on 53rd Street.
Hi, Robert.
Hi, Bob.
How are you?
Can I have the usual?
Yeah, sure.
At 10.30 a.m., I lead the staff meeting about that day's show.
Wait till you hear this.
You're going to love it.
You're going to love this one.
Then we'll have the top ten list in a second.
At 11 o'clock sharp, my tailor comes in to measure my inseam.
One more time.
As executive producer, I'm always on call to answer any of Dave's questions.
Is it a tick?
Huh?
Huh?
And of course, it's always time to network.
Hi, Bob Morton, producer of the show.
Yeah, good guest, Forrest.
I'm the host.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I won't do this again.
I'm so sorry.
Then it's time to walk Jimmy, Dave's pet monkey.
At 5.15, Dave and I go over some last-minute details before the show.
Wake up.
Come on.
Take another time.
Come on.
After the show, I hit the town with Dave and Paul.
Before my day ends, I unwind with the show that's been my life for all these
years.
It's The Late Show with David Letterman.
A Beverly Hillbilly.
That's great, Bob.
You know, Bob, as I'm watching it, I have two thoughts, two comments.
First of all, it was short, mercifully, I think.
Thank God.
And secondly, I just don't know how entertaining that was.
It was pretty lame.
It seemed kind of lame.
Yeah, it was lame.
Now, do you recall what you said to me the first time we started working
together?
Yes, I do.
I said that if I ever had anything to do with a piece that was really lame, I
would do my
best to save it by jumping into a giant bowl of pudding.
Wow!
A bowl of pudding?
A bowl of pudding.
Well, let's go.
Oh, it's the girls.
It's the girls, Bob.
Oh, there we go. Be careful.
Be careful.
-Oh! -Oh!
We're back to the program.
-Uh, Mom, the backhoe tipped over.
-Paul, get in there. Get in there. Come on! Get in there!
-Get those girls! -Come on! Get in there!
-Get those girls out here! -Come on! Get in there!
-Get those models out here! -What?!
-Get those models out here! -All right, get the models out!
Get the models out!
It's very slippery.
-Oh!
-Oh!
-Oh, ho, ho, ho!
We got to do a commercial.
We'll be right back with "White Zombie Kids."
We'll be right back with "White Zombie Kids."
-Oh!
-Oh!
-Oh!
Yeah, sure. Hey, how are you?
Welcome back to the Food Channel, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, all of a sudden, I'm not scared of white zombie anymore.
I'm just going to wait until this stuff hardens,
and I think it'll be just fine.
Cool.
Mom, is there any more fudge?
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
our next guests may quite literally blow the roof off the dump.
They're here to perform a great song
from their CD, Astro Creep 2000.
Here they are, white zombie.
Oh, my God, that was cool.
Nice job. Nice to meet you.
Thank you very much. I love you.
Nice to see you. Thank you.
Nice going.
We'll be right back, folks.
This is great dinner.
I like that white zombie.
It's pretty cool.
Mom, I think the dog is sick again.
I want to apologize to Claire Danes.
Perhaps it's just as well she wasn't here for this.
We'll have her back as soon as it's convenient for her.
My thanks, of course, to White Zombie
and Siskel and Ebert.
Monday, Cindy Lauper and Alicia Silverstone.
Thanks for watching.
Have a great weekend.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's Paul Schaefer and your CDS orchestra.
Wow, Schaefer, your CDS orchestra.
Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor.
Welcome, say hello to one of our beloved, trusted, and loyal staff members,
Ms. Zoe Friedman.
Zoe, welcome to the program.
I do think that big, scary guy is going to shave his beard.
It's a scary beard.
Yeah, pretty exciting, isn't it?
It is.
Zoe, how long have you been with us?
A little over three years.
What do you do for us here?
I'm a talent assistant.
And do you like that kind of work?
I do.
You assist the talent.
I assist the talent.
I greet the guests.
Oh, you greet the guests and assist in any way you can.
Mm-hmm.
And it's a good job, isn't it, more or less?
Oh, absolutely.
Now, last week on the program, one week ago tonight,
we had a videotape concerning Bob Morton's life.
What was it, Bob?
It was a day in the life of our producer, Bob Morton.
When we ran it, it sucked, frankly, between you and me.
It was not that good, and Bob felt so damn bad about it.
He says, look, Dave, I want to make it up to you somehow.
I'll try and make this entertaining if I possibly can.
And as a result, Bob, well, here, roll the videotape.
This is what Bob did to sort of solve it.
That's right.
He jumped into a giant bowl of pudding.
There goes Bob.
Be careful.
Yes, sir.
Into the...
It was a magic moment for all of us.
God bless you, Bob.
Now, the reason Zoe is here, after you saw that last week,
you found that as a source of inspiration, didn't you?
And what did you say to the folks at large when you saw Bob do that?
Well, I said, Dave, if there's anything, you know,
that I could do to help the show, I'd be more than willing to do it.
Yeah, good.
That's an excellent attitude.
I certainly appreciate that.
You would be willing to do something to help any show on any given night.
Definitely.
Now, you've had a week to think it over.
Have you given it any thought?
Have you come up with something that you might do for us here on the show?
I did.
I decided that I'd get a tattoo.
She's going to get a tattoo!
Sorry, I hope it didn't frighten you.
No!
Fun, isn't it?
You're on TV.
Yeah, that's a lot of fun.
So, earlier this week, Zoe, myself, and the Late Show camera crew went downtown
where you
have to go to do that sort of thing.
And we got this lovely young woman a tattoo.
Roll the videotape, Jerry.
Okay, Zoe, why don't you tell Jonathan what it is you want?
There's a couple of things that I was thinking about.
I was thinking of either an Aztec son.
Why would you want that?
Because I think it's pretty beautiful.
Well, does it represent anything?
You know, these don't wash off.
Do you have Aztec blood in your family?
I don't think in that.
Were your parents Aztec, Friedman?
Is that an Aztec name?
Is that a beard or a tattoo?
I'm just teasing with you.
There's Mickey Mouse as the sorcerer.
It's a bunny.
Now, what would be so wrong with a bunny?
Look, a tick.
There are people swatting at your ankle day and night.
That'd be endless fun.
What about just a simple Dave?
Too bad you couldn't help this guy with his posture.
Do you do any work?
Do you do chiropractic adjustments?
These are really popular.
These oriental characters are really popular.
Yeah, we don't want that.
That looks like a menu.
That looks like people would be constantly ordering off your ankle.
Any of these famous people here?
Well, on the other side here.
Why don't I open the door and step around?
Oh, jeez!
God, I'm a lawyer.
My favorite joke.
Who's that?
That's Johnny Depp.
Oh, that's Johnny Depp?
Yeah.
I'm not Johnny Depp.
He's trouble.
You can see it right there.
Now, here's a good-looking guy, with or without a tattoo.
Huh?
Am I right?
Jeez, look at the on that guy.
Don't watch it.
I got drunk one time.
That's the one.
I can't remember.
Wow.
You did a hell of a job.
It worked.
Yeah.
Let's go for this side.
It's on the metaphase.
Okay, you got it.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's take the edge off.
Thanks.
Go ahead and finish it up.
Jonathan, do you mind if I wear a pair of gloves as well?
Suit yourself.
All right, do you have some?
I feel just like O.J.
First time I've handled your leg.
I hope you don't mind.
I'm kind of enjoying this aspect of the procedure.
Hi.
Hello, Zoe.
On-camera fondling.
Are you all right?
Let me know.
The stench is unbelievable!
This is sort of like what we did when Mom wanted her mustache removed.
Same kind of deal.
We had to get her full of malt liquor, too.
She looks 20 years younger.
Zoe, is there any chance now that you'll change your name to Sunshine and spend
the rest of your life living in a van?
Do you draw, do you paint, do you sketch?
Yeah, I draw, I paint, I sketch, I figure skate, I do it all.
Figure skate.
There it is.
That's the finished deal right there, huh?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, why do you run a mile and stay on your side someday?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Very nice, girl.
Want to show up to the folks?
Sure.
All right.
Let me just stand up.
Want to see?
Yeah, which one is it?
This one.
Right here.
Here we go.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Nice job.
Zoe Friedman and her tattoo, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Okay.
And don't forget, we got a guy shaving backstage.
We'll do a commercial when we come back.
Julia Roberts will visit.
Nice to see you, both.