Name: E. Stewart, T. Bennett, C. Leifer, & Haircuts on Letterman, Nov. 5, 1987 (full)
Uploaded: 2018-04-07T22:45:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'E. Stewart, T. Bennett, C. Leifer, & Haircuts on Letterman, Nov. 5, 1987 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'E. Stewart, T. Bennett, C. Leifer, & Haircuts on Letterman, Nov. 5, 1987 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-07. Transcript available.

E. Stewart, T. Bennett, C. Leifer, & Haircuts on Letterman, Nov. 5, 1987 (full)

From New York, where I've grown tired of Mrs. Wendell, and have come up with a
little plan to rid myself of her forever. A little plan called murder.
Man, Bill, are you out of your mind? You'll never get away with this.
Biff, how long have you been standing there? How much did you hear? I'll deal
with you later.
It's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, Tony Bennett, Eric Stewart, and his woolly mammoth dude.
And comedian Carol Leifer.
Plus, Paul Schaefer and the world's most dangerous man.
And now, a man who will be heartbroken when he hears about the battling series
of accidental deaths.
Bill, put down that gun.
David Letterman.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my God.
That's it. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, welcome to the program. My name is Dave.
Please, whatever you do, feel free to call me Dave.
Welcome. Thank you very much.
I want to tell you something odd that happened to me coming to work this
morning.
I'm coming to work. I get out of the subway, and I'm walking up 6th Avenue,
and I get to about, oh, 23rd, 24th Street.
And a guy comes up to me, and he says,
Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it.
He says, I have watched you every night of the week for the last five years.
And I must say, this was flattering and quite a thrill.
And I said to the guy, what is your favorite part of the show?
And the guy looks at me, and he says, you got a show?
Oh, my goodness.
You know, I'm so excited about tonight's program.
This is something we have wanted to do for years and years,
and tonight we're going to get a chance to do it.
And I'll tell you, did you already tell them what we're going to do tonight?
So you don't know either?
No.
Okay, good.
I'll tell you in a second.
Well, President Reagan said today that if Judge Ginsburg,
the guy's 41 years old, wasn't...
I don't even think he was a judge before, was he?
He was a judge.
Why would you ask me?
He was working like a donut shop or something.
This is Ginsburg.
It's Moe Ginsburg.
Anyway, President Reagan said today that if Judge Moe Ginsburg
is not confirmed for a seat on the Supreme Court,
he has now narrowed the field down to two guys,
and it will either be Jacoby or Myers.
So we'll all look forward to that announcement.
There you go.
What do you think, Kevin?
Should we try that one?
It's a little tricky, that one, don't you think?
You think?
Kevin, if you had a show, would you try that one?
You would?
All right.
All right, based on Kevin's vote of confidence...
Yes.
I'm going to try joke number four.
Edit.
This is joke number four, by the way, for insurance purposes.
According to today's post, there have been at least...
This is kind of ugly.
There have been at least 20 thefts of gold teeth
from stiffs at the morgue here in New York City.
And a city official said that the people
responsible for this heinous crime
are eligible for five to ten years in prison
and maybe a recycling award.
I hesitate to say that it's all Kevin's fault.
So I'm not...
Tonight on the show, I don't know...
Am I nuts or does this sound like a lot of fun?
Tonight, in addition to a...
What was that?
In addition to a wonderful show,
we're going to spend some time watching haircuts.
Yeah, see, I knew.
I knew that that would thrill the entire audience.
Hal, do we have the camera down there?
Let's take a look at the barbershop in which we'll be watching the haircuts.
This is an unbelievable facility here in 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
It's on the lower concourse.
And throughout the course of the evening,
we'll just be looking at the barbers
and watch them cutting hair.
How do you do?
See, it's fun already.
Boy, now, this guy...
This guy...
Yes, sir.
You, of course, all know Mr. John Gotti, ladies and gentlemen.
So, this man is getting the works.
He shows up and he says,
Load it up, boys.
I'll be here for an hour or whatever.
Yes, sir.
Can you pull down the socks?
Let's take a look at this guy's ankles.
Maybe we better not do that.
All right.
Anyway, so we're going to be looking at haircuts all night long.
And also, we have a young gentleman from Minnesota
who found kind of a rare archaeological find.
I guess that's what you do with founding finds, don't you?
And Tony Bennett is here.
Tony...
And also, the lovely and talented Carol Leifer is here now.
Boys and girls, say hello to our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Paul is right over there.
Thank you very much, everyone.
Thank you.
Boy, thank you.
It is a lot of...
We're having a lot of fun over here tonight, David.
And I'd love you to say hello to a guy who is a good friend of ours.
I'd be happy to.
And by us, I really just mean me.
Sure you do.
A good friend of mine.
Yeah.
He came by to play with Tony Bennett,
but we're going to let him play with us all night
because he's really one of the greatest trumpet players in the industry.
How about it for Mr. John Faddis, sitting in with us?
Hello, John.
Good to see you.
John Faddis, sounding great, too.
Now, that's the trumpet industry you mentioned?
Well, by the industry, I just mean the business.
I see what you mean.
It was very windy.
Of course, it's fall here in New York City,
and last night I'm leaving the building, and it's quite late.
This will give you an idea, really, the kind of pinhead I am.
I'm leaving the building last night about 11.30,
and it's windy, and it's gusting now around the corners of the buildings,
and I got some kind of dorky-looking hat on.
And I'm walking down 6th Avenue,
and a gust of wind comes up and blows the hat right off my head,
and it goes tumbling down the street.
When that happened, I made this noise.
Ooh!
Involuntarily, this noise comes out of a 40-year-old guy.
Ooh!
Also, you know, this thing about betting,
I don't know if you've been watching the show the last couple of nights,
but I nearly spent $3,000 on betting.
And apparently, we've struck a chord among the American viewers
because everybody now has a betting story,
and I think maybe what we'll do is start a betting club,
whereby if you've purchased betting recently,
just send in the receipt and a photo of yourself and your betting,
and we'll put them up on a big bulletin board,
and it'll be about like watching Haircut.
Yeah.
The betting club.
Betting club.
Woo! Woo!
Hey, let's go back down there to Jerry's Barbershop right now
and take a look and see what's going on tonight.
These gentlemen, just finishing up, getting a trim.
Let me see what else I can tell you about Jerry's Barbershop.
Let's go over to the menu board
and show the folks what you can get there.
There it is, Jerry's Hairstyling Salon.
Men and women, service list.
Haircut, $10.50.
Not bad.
Shave and a beard trim, $7.50.
Haircut, shampoo, styled, $17.
Shampoo, blow and dry, $10.
Plain shampoo, hot oil shampoo, $6.
Air coloring, mud massage, $7.50.
What the hell is a mud massage?
I'll tell you what, everybody in the place tonight
gets a mud massage on me.
Excuse me.
How do you do, sir?
What is your name?
Benny, Benny.
Benny, Benny.
Nice to have you with us, Benny.
Mr. Benny, can you ask the gentleman there
if he'd care for a mud massage?
Love one.
You would love one?
All right, go ahead and load him up.
We'll...
All right.
How long have you been working there, Benny?
Sixteen years.
Has anybody ever come in and asked for a haircut like mine?
Yes, yes.
I think it's clear that Benny is lying.
Okay, Benny.
Thank you very much.
What are you doing there?
What is your name, sir?
Joe.
Joe?
Nice to see you.
What are you doing there to that gentleman?
I try to style his hair.
You're styling his hair?
Right.
And do you have a name for that style of hair?
Lay cut.
What did he say?
Lay.
The layered cut.
Right.
Excuse me, sir.
What is your name, the customer?
Roy Assad.
Roy, are you happy with the layered cut there?
Very.
Do you come into this barbershop frequently?
Once a month.
Once a month.
And what kind of tip are we talking about here today?
Do you want me to...
It's a good tip.
How much?
It's good.
What did he say?
Should I tell you?
Yeah, tell us.
No, let me guess.
I'm Kreskin, okay?
Okay, okay.
Ten.
How much are you going to tip him?
Ten.
Ten dollars?
Yeah.
All right.
How much would you tip him if you weren't on TV?
Same.
It's a ten dollar tip.
Be a buck and a quarter.
Okay.
Thanks, gentlemen.
Enjoy your haircut, and good luck with that styling job there.
Thank you.
Do we have a manicurist in the place?
Oh, there we do.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you aware of the fact that you're soaking in dishwashing liquid?
It feels good.
Oh, nice to see you.
What is your name, ma'am?
Mine, Carla.
Carla, how are you?
Fine, thank you.
How long have you been a manicurist?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Look at the blood she's cutting.
What a butcher.
Get out of there as soon as you can.
Thank you.
Well, this is fascinating stuff.
I think, call Vestron, Paul.
We may have a home video here.
Okay, well, we'll be going back down to Jerry's throughout the evening to look
at more haircut
action down there.
In the meantime, we want to take care of our top ten list tonight.
The category...
It's from the home office in Scottsdale, Arizona.
The category tonight, Princess Diana's top ten complaints about Prince Charles.
You know, Paul, if we can believe what we read, there may be a marital rift
there.
And I think we all know how painful that can be.
Painful that can be, yeah.
I just hope that there's no truth to these rumors.
But anyway, nonetheless, we have top ten complaints about Prince Charles from
Princess Diana.
Here we go.
Number ten.
Repulsive orange teeth after scarfing down an entire bag of Cheetos.
Number nine.
Threatens me with beheading for leaving nylons hanging in bathroom.
Number eight.
Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards.
I don't know what that means.
Number seven.
That phony British accent.
And number six.
Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter.
What the hell is that?
I don't even know what that is.
Five.
Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's chef.
That's unfair, isn't it?
Gosh, those kids.
Number four.
Laughs like a hyena at reruns of the Jeffersons.
Number three.
Always calls Pizza Hut before we've decided on topping we want.
Number two.
Constantly slips and calls me Oprah.
Number one.
Wears home of Big Ben boxer shorts.
All right, folks, we got a great show.
Call the Neighbors.
We're watching Haircuts tonight.
Tony Bennett is here, Carol Liefer, and a young gentleman from Red Wing,
Minnesota.
All of this and much, much more.
So, come on back if you can.
Thank you, Paul.
Thank you, Paul.
All right.
Thank you, Paul.
That Jerry's Barbershop has been down there since 1936.
Hal, can we get one quick shot of that place again?
Show me the hot towel machine, Hal.
Is it around there anywhere?
Well, these folks are doing a pretty good business, aren't they, for this time
of night?
There is the hot towel machine.
Is there anybody there who can open one of these?
Well, what do you know?
What a coincidence.
There's a guy with a hand right there.
Open that up.
Stand back.
This, of course, powered by plutonium.
Now, are these things actually, in fact, I understand they're so hot, the only
thing you can do is drop them on a customer's face.
Oh, nice work.
The cameraman throwing hot towels around.
Paul, let's get some hot towels sent up here.
Yes.
Yeah.
Ask, if Jerry's down there, ask him if a little later they can free somebody up
for hot towels.
For like 300.
Our first guest tonight is a seven-year-old second grader from Red Wing,
Minnesota.
He was out playing one day and discovered the tooth of a prehistoric creature.
So, here tonight with the tooth, and to tell us all about it, Eric Stewart.
Eric, come on out.
Hi, Eric.
Nice to see you.
Have a seat.
You want to put that right up here?
Okay.
Okay.
How old are you, Eric, did we say?
Seven.
Seven years old.
So, this must be all pretty exciting for you, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're in the second grade, Red Wing, Minnesota.
Is that near where the shoes are made?
The Red Wi