Name: Bill Cosby, Tito Puente, Luke Perry on Late Show, March 7, 1995 (full, stereo)
Uploaded: 2018-04-30T01:40:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Cosby, Tito Puente, Luke Perry on Late Show, March 7, 1995 (full, stereo)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Cosby, Tito Puente, Luke Perry on Late Show, March 7, 1995 (full, stereo)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-04-30. Transcript available.

Bill Cosby, Tito Puente, Luke Perry on Late Show, March 7, 1995 (full, stereo)

From New York, the soup today is clam chowder.
It's The Late Show with David Letterman.
Tonight, Bill Cosby and Luke Perry.
Plus, Paul Schaefer and the CBS Orchestra.
And now, your bellboy at the Hotel Entertainment, David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
The Late Show with David Letterman.
David Letterman.
Hey!
Nice to see you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
How are you?
Hi!
Oh, that's it.
Hey, I'm gonna get it, get it.
Whoa!
Oh, yeah.
Yes, sir!
Yeah!
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Dave.
Now, you can't fool me.
That was a wonderful ovation, but you can't fool me.
I know you're just trying to kiss up to me to get those free Academy Award
tickets.
I'm sorry.
By the way, ladies and gentlemen, if you're watching at home, here in the
audience, we're in the Ed Sullivan Theater. It's about 680 years old, by the
way. Here in the -- But if you can't, for some reason, you haven't been able to
get tickets to come and see the show, and you're watching anywhere around North
America, and you want the experience, you're going to be able to get tickets to
come and see the show, and you're watching anywhere around North America, and
you want the experience, you're going to be able to get tickets to come and see
the show.
And you want the experience of enjoying the show right here in the Ed Sullivan
Theater. Here's what you do in your very own home right now. Get up. Get up off
your chair. Get up off your couch. Get up off the bed. Get up off the floor. If
you're in the game room, leave the video games. Walk away from those. Here's
what you do to get that experience of watching the show here in the Ed Sullivan
Theater. Go over to the thermostat. Turn it down about 25 degrees.
Wait a minute. You want to hold one, ma'am? We had a lady in the audience a
minute ago. She works with Dan Rather on the Evening News here at CBS, and she
operates the teleprompter, and she stuck up her hand, and I said, "Yes, ma'am,
how do I do this?" And she said, "Can I hold a cue card for you?" And we have a
man who holds our cue cards. You've seen him before. It's Tony Inky Mendez
right there.
Take him out, Tony! Yes, sir!
Take him out, Tony! Yes, sir!
Take him out, Tony! Yes, sir!
Take him out, Tony! Yes, sir!
Take him out, Tony! Yes, sir!
Take him out, Tony!
Take him out, Tony!
Take him out, Tony!
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You want to hold one, ma'am? We had a lady in the
audience a minute ago. She works with Dan Rather on the Evening News here at
CBS, and she operates the teleprompter, and she stuck up her hand, and I said,
"Yes, ma'am, how do I do this?" And she said, "Can I hold a cue card for you?"
And we have a man who holds our cue cards. You've seen him before. It's Tony Inky
Mendez right there. Take him out, Tony! Yes, sir!
Now, Tony, you know I think the world of you. You know I think the world of you.
You're breaking my heart. You're just... It would have killed you to wear a
late show jacket? Let's see that. No, you had to wear this jacket. You couldn't...
Like, I've never... I gave him, like, six jackets for Christmas!
Really? All right, hurry, ma'am. Come right up here. What is your name again?
Linda, come on up here. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Linda from CBS Night Live.
There. It's Tony. Let her hold one. Get in there. If you do a really good job,
we'll get you a Saturday Night Live jacket.
All right, now, Tony, you might learn a little something here. So, I'm... All
right, all right. Now, don't... Now, now... All of America has read the joke.
Thank you very much.
All right, let's try it anyway. It was not your fault. It's not your fault.
Okay. So, I'm coming to work today, and there's a guy outside the theater.
Every day when I come to work, he's asking for spare change. You know, and so
you give him whatever you have. And today, the same guy is out there, and he's
passing out pamphlets.
So, I give him some spare change, and he hands me the pamphlet, and it shows...
It shows where the money goes that you're giving the guy.
Now, it's interesting, 40% of the money goes for drugs, 50% goes for booze, and
10% is used as an administrative cost.
Very nice job. Thank you. Give my best to Dan. Be very, very careful. Thank you.
Thank you.
Just a minute here.
I'm sorry I'm disturbing.
Give me that jacket.
You'll get it back after the show.
Yeah, sure.
Can I have yours?
Here, just switch it.
You don't mind wearing this, do you?
No, it's fine.
Thanks, Corky.
There you go.
Come on, Tony.
Here you go.
Put this on.
Here we go.
Come on in.
Come on.
All right.
Let me have this one.
Let me have this one, too.
Everybody gets a new jacket here.
Here, put this one on.
Take that one off, Tony.
Here we go.
There you go.
Put that on.
There you go.
This is like one of them home shopping centers.
Here, now, here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.
You know, I was thinking about something.
Anyway, who lives in New York?
Do you live, man?
Do you live in New York City?
Can I ask you a big favor?
Do you have any money, Bob?
How long have you lived in New York City?
Six months.
Six months?
Six months.
Where are you from?
San Diego.
Oh, San Diego.
Well, this would be no good.
I need somebody who knows all about New York City.
I need somebody who understands.
By the way, San Diego is a beautiful town, isn't it?
Mission Beach, Pacific Beach, Ocean Beach.
I used to love going down there.
What brings you to New York?
Work.
What kind of work do you do?
I'm an art director.
An art director.
Oh, good.
This is our producer, Robert Morton.
Hi there.
What was that?
Can we have a couple of cocktails down here, please?
Yeah.
Sure.
Thank you very much.
We'll try and get a jacket for you.
What about you, sir?
Do you live in New York City?
No, I don't.
Oh, boy.
You!
New York City?
How long have you been here?
About 20 minutes.
Yeah.
That's what New York will do to you.
Later in the show, I have to do this.
We're calling it a comedy piece.
Okay.
But actually, all it is, is I'm going to be sitting up there at the desk.
And between you and me, you know, we're pretty much out of ideas.
And we have done this particular piece a hundred times.
I hold up a card, and it's arts, charts, and graphs.
And it's like art director, you would know what this is.
You would paste up a little, and they're jokes, and they're pretty, they're
lame.
So, I just don't know if I can go through it by myself.
You know what I'm saying?
All right.
So, if you could do me a favor, here's some dough.
How much you got here, Bob?
About 40.
40 or 50 bucks.
Go out there to Broadway.
Did you come in on Broadway?
Yes, I did.
And before you get any ideas, I'm talking about a cab driver.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Go out and get us a cab driver.
Have the guy pull over.
Right.
And tell him that we want him to come in.
Just park the car.
We'll watch the car.
Have the cab driver come in.
I just want a guy sitting with me up there to laugh at the damn jokes.
Do you understand?
Okay.
What is your name?
John.
John?
John.
All right.
Come on, John.
Here we go.
We'll try and get you a jacket as well.
Be careful.
Are you with John?
Is that your husband?
Friend?
Well, let's see.
What else do we have here tonight?
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Thursday, getting back to the jokes, Thursday will be
the 34th
anniversary of the Russian Sputnik 9.
Do you remember a Russian?
That's when they launched a dog into outer space.
Do you remember that?
34 years ago.
It's unbelievable.
The mission was flawless once they got the dog to quit sticking its head out
the window.
You know who's standing right over there by the drums?
Oh, my God.
It's Tito Puente.
Look at that.
What?
Now, were you supposed to be here tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, I was reading the newspaper this morning, and our old
friend, Dr. Jack
Kervorkian, has lifted his self-imposed ban against assisted suicide.
That's right.
And I thought that was odd.
And he told reporters, he said, hey, look, a guy's got to make a living.
What is what?
The pants are ready?
Oh, the pants.
Oh, I forgot.
What a lovely surprise.
My pants are ready.
Well, there it is right there.
Right out on Broadway?
All right.
Get him.
Get the guy in here.
Come on.
Yeah.
Come on in.
Just, yeah.
Now, this could, uh, look at how nice it looks in, uh, that's Broadway.
Bring him.
Is he coming in?
Uh, I don't think he's coming.
We're hailing another one.
All right.
Oh, now he's directing traffic.
Now he's dispatching cabs.
It's like the guy at the airport.
You going to Midtown?
Where are you going?
You going to Queens?
You going downtown?
You need a ride to a hotel?
Is he coming or not?
He's not coming in.
He's coming in.
Oh, but is the cab driver coming in?
Oh, great.
Here we go.
Everything's going to be fine.
Thank you.
I used to love San Diego.
Did you live on the beach?
Did you ever go over to Coronado?
Great there, isn't it?
Come on in.
Hi.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, sorry.
I appreciate it.
Come on.
Come on back now.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Thanks for taking care of that.
Hi, what's your name?
Charlie.
Charlie Bates.
Charlie, you drive a cab?
I'm afraid so.
What do you mean by that?
Well, we got a little economy problem in the city.
Everybody should take more taxi cabs.
Yeah, I'm not.
Come on over here and sit down.
Charlie Connolly.
Charlie, I got to do this comedy piece here.
You're on TV right now.
Have you ever seen the show?
We're on 1130 every night on TV.
Certainly.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
And all I want you to do is I do these jokes.
I just want you to laugh like you're really entertained.
You've got a great tan, you know that?
What did you get that sent to?
Could be more where that came from, Charlie.
It's kind of odd.
Cab driver's hitting on me, Paul.
It's kind of odd.
Gotcha.
So it must have been very...
No, wait a minute, Charlie.
Wait a minute.
Just take a second here.
I'm going to do this comedy piece.
All we want from...
How much time do we...
We don't have any time for this.
Hey, man, that is a pretty good-looking tan.
All right, so, Charlie, that's Charts
and Graphs, and we're going to show people
statistically represented via the Charts and Graphs
various current events and activities going along
in popular culture today in America, okay?
All we want from you is a good, sincere, hearty laugh
when we get to the joke, okay?
Paul, there we go.
Start us off on Charts and Graphs.
Lots of laughs.
Charts and graphs and lots of laughs.
Charts and graphs and lots of laughs.
Charts and graphs and lots of laughs.
Charts and graphs!
Yeah, see, I've done this about a thousand times.
I'm tired of it.
When I'm done, I'm going to give you this entire comedy piece
and you can entertain your fares with this
or your cab driver buddies.
That...I need something.
Yeah, well, that goes without saying.
I don't know what that means.
All right, here we go.
Here's our first chart and graph.
Contents of Ding Dongs, very popular snack food.
50% dings, 50% dongs.
I love it.
I think that's...I would...that's great.
You're supposed to laugh yourself sick, Charlie.
It'd be a shame if your cab got towed, wouldn't it?
I'm more of a devil dog guy.
All right, survey of school children.
Name your favorite Walt Disney character.
22% The Lion King, 21% The Little Mermaid,
57% Snoop Doggy Dog.
Dave, I don't know how you do it.
All right, all right.
It's fabulous.
Pressing your luck, Charlie.
How many cab drivers in New York City right now,
this very day?
What, 30,000?
11,000.
11,000.
638.
Wow, and we got you.
And a half.
Complaints of Larry King's ex-wives.
Larry King, very popular feature fixture on CNN.
Complaints of Larry King's ex-wives.
He's been married about nine times, you know.
12% say Larry is nice and caring,
but works too much.
That's right.
88% say Larry smells funny.
Oh, that's great.
That's really great.
This is the comedy equivalent of a traffic jam, isn't it?
I feel like I'm at a red light.
I feel like I'm at 