Name: Viewer Mail/Realm of Mystery Collection on Letterman, 1987-88
Uploaded: 2018-05-08T08:03:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail/Realm of Mystery Collection on Letterman, 1987-88' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail/Realm of Mystery Collection on Letterman, 1987-88' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-08. Transcript available.

Viewer Mail/Realm of Mystery Collection on Letterman, 1987-88

Letter number 1. This is Viewer Mail Night. These are actual letters from
actual viewers
from all over North America. Here we go. Viewer Mail? Oh no, did I forget those
people?
Screw them. I was never crazy about that anyway. We got a couple of people, one
dressed like
a conquistador and another in a bunny suit and then... Get out. Yeah, I know.
Okay, thanks
kids. Get out. Beat it. Get a cab. Letter number 1. Dear Dave, I don't get any
of this.
You don't get any of the comedy on the show. I don't get that. I don't get the
outfits.
I don't get the costumes. It's the new humor. I guess. Letter number 1. Dear
Dave, why do
you sit the way you do? Is it so the female guests can look at your business?
This comes
to us from Randy Schnibby Kupsch, Kellnersville, Wisconsin. No, Randy, I don't
want them to look
at my business. I want them to look at my schnibby Kupsch.
Letter number 2. A bunny in a conquistador standing at the door. Is it
Halloween? Is that the deal?
This is filled with Kia Royale. Oh, thanks, Paul.
Letter number 2. Dave, I think your show is terrific, but I also believe that
if you lose
your director, Hal... Oh, our beloved director, Hal Gertner. If you lose your
director, Hal,
you could hit it big. You're soon-to-be agent Mitch Quinn, Bowling Green, Ohio.
Well, Mitch, for your information, our director, Hal Gurney, is a brilliant,
talented man. He does an
extremely difficult, high-pressure job with exceptional skill. I just hope your
letter has not hurt his
feelings. Is Hal... Hal? Is Hal... Hal? Brian, where is Hal?
I don't know, Dave. He ran out while you were reading the letter.
Oh, no! See, now, this is exactly what I'm afraid of. Obviously, his feelings
have been
deeply hurt. I never... Yes, yes, Brian. Hal's on his way back in. Oh, thank
God he's back. Hal!
Hal, we were worried... Hal, we were worried sick about you. Were you upset
about that letter,
Hal? Uh, Dave, I was in the men's room. You mean you left your position in the
middle of the show?
Did I miss something? Something big, Dave? Well, just the bunny and the conquistador,
that's all, Hal. Let me go find them.
Here we go. We just keep rolling. We just keep moving. That's all. This is what...
We just want
to keep that average speed as high as we can get it. That's all. Uh, number
three, dear Dave,
we tape your show, and when you're nasty to Paul, we freeze frame while you're
blinking and say rude
things to you. Uh, Brie Capra and, uh, Diane Renee. Well, uh, Brie and Diane, I
don't go out of my way
to say anything nasty to Paulie. In fact, I have an awful lot of respect for
him. I think he's
really accomplished quite a lot for a short, balding foreigner. Hold it right
there, hamsterhead.
He's being nasty to Paul again, Brie. I know. Pick on somebody your own size,
you big jerk.
Brie and Diana. Two girls out for a good time, undone by the very weapon they
use to control others.
Irony indeed. But then, anything is possible in Biff Henderson's Realm of
Mystery.
Four? Letter number four. Dear Dave, I was taking my daily dosage, uh, dosage
of Flintstone vitamins
this morning when nothing better to do at the moment, with nothing better to do
at the moment.
Uh, I started counting and made a shocking discovery. Betty Rubble is missing.
There's a Fred, a Wilma,
a Barney, Pebbles, Bam Bam Dino, and yes, even Fred's car. But no, no Betty Rubble.
What do you make of this,
Dave? Yours truly, Martin Mooney, Arlington, Virginia. What do I make of it? I
think it's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard. Paul, can you believe this guy has nothing better to do
than sort Flintstone's
vitamins? This guy must be bored out of his brains. Paul? Paul?
Paul? I, I'm sorry, I, uh, I wasn't listening. What did you say? I'm sorry,
what? Uh-huh, thank you.
Ah. It's a comedy cavalcade. That's right. We just keep motoring. You have been
breezing
through the comedy tonight, haven't you? We're just blowing through your town
tonight with plenty
of comedy, slopping off the back of the truck. Number five. Dear Dave, I've
noticed a few things
about this great country in which we live. It seems that in Florida, they are
talented at growing
oranges, while in Texas, luscious babes seem to grow on trees. What seems to
grow well in New York?
Just wondering. Mark Schofield, Hampton, New Jersey. Well, Mark, uh, that's a
good question. Hal, uh, as I
read that letter, did the same piece of file tape occur to you that was
occurring to me? I think so, Dave.
Okay, go ahead and roll that, and we'll show you what grows big here in, uh,
New York.
No. Hal! Hey, Hal! Hold up! Hal!
No! No!
No! No!
I was thinking of those prize-winning Long Island potatoes we saw at the fair,
Hal.
Yeah, so was I. I think there's some kind of mix-up in the tape room.
Boy, is there ever. Well, uh, that's it for Viewer Mail, and not a minute too
soon. David Steinberg will join us in a couple of seconds, folks. So please, if
you can stand it, return, won't you? Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Could be anything.
No, they're not working.
That's all right. We'll get a guy in here with a hose later to just turn it on
you.
Uh, am I the only one who smells toast?
Everybody, how many of y'all smell toast here?
Yeah.
This is the, this is Mary Jenkins, I guess, preparing Elvis's.
We bring her all the way up from Tennessee to make toast. Is that the?
Uh, it's Thursday.
Whatever, whatever Elvis liked, he liked.
Yeah, that's right.
It's, uh, what is going on over there?
Oh, Santa's elves are a little noisy tonight, aren't they?
Oh, friendly.
Uh, it's, uh, Friday night, kids, and that means one thing.
We answer our, uh, viewer mail.
And, uh, as always, these are actual viewer mail on actual blue cards.
Look at that.
Uh, here we go. Letter number one.
Dear Dave, I only, I only wear one sock.
You should try it.
Help, Patrick Mayer, Denver, Colorado.
I don't, I don't want to brag, Patrick, but, but I'm wearing three socks, okay?
All right, you're, you're all gonna, you're all gonna get some toast.
Settle down.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, your producer, Morty, that's our new producer, Morty, is certainly
cute.
Please flash the camera on him more often.
Is he the sexiest producer in town or what?
Sincerely, Melinda Stewart, Wilmington, Ohio.
Now, this is interesting because I don't think people are really aware of what,
uh, Morty looks like.
He's only been on the show a couple of times, but, Melinda will certainly be
glad to oblige you.
Can we get a shot of Morty, Hal?
Let's, uh, show the folks.
This is, uh, Morty, our new producer.
There he is.
I'm sorry.
We're dead here, folks.
So the, the entire console back here is dead.
We're getting no, no AC.
Just thank God this is not an airplane.
You know?
Uh, letter number three.
Dear Dave, since viewer mail moved to Friday, I watch it from a bar and I can't
hear the TV.
What?
Oh, God, what was that?
Just people kicking stuff over left and right here?
We're doing some delicate experimentation back there in a completely sterile
environment,
so be very careful.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
We're dead here, folks.
So the, the entire console back here is dead.
We're getting no, no AC.
Just thank God this is not an airplane.
You know?
Uh, letter number three.
Dear Dave, since viewer mail moved to Friday, I watch it from a bar and I can't
hear the TV.
What?
Oh, God.
What was that?
Just people kicking stuff over left and right here?
We're doing some delicate experimentation back there in a completely sterile
environment.
So be very careful.
Uh, I watch it, uh, I watch viewer mail from a bar and I can't hear the TV.
When you get to this letter, could you print my name in real big flashing
letters on the screen?
So I know it's my letter.
Happy I can read Steve Coat, Bedford, Massachusetts.
Um, well, sure, Steve, sure.
I know, I know, I know how noisy those bars can get.
So we, we had this sign made up and if you're watching in the bar tonight, I
hope you enjoy it.
There it is.
Steve Coat.
There you go.
All right.
Uh, where are we?
What are we up to?
Number four.
Thank you very much.
Hal Gurney.
Ladies and gentlemen, the distinguished voice of our director.
Mr. Hal Gurney.
Letter number four.
Dear Mr. Letterman, I am sorry to inform you that your show has been canceled.
Please leave the NBC stationery when you clean out your desk.
Sincerely, Kenny Hobbs, Stanton, Kentucky.
Wow, did you hear that, Paul?
The show has been canceled.
Where are we? What are we up to?
Letter number four.
Thank you very much, Hal Gurney, ladies and gentlemen,
the distinguished voice of our director, Mr. Hal Gertner.
Letter number four.
Dear Mr. Letterman, I am sorry to inform you that your show has been canceled.
Please leave the NBC stationery when you clean out your desk.
Sincerely, Kenny Hobbs, Stanton, Kentucky.
Wow, did you hear that, Paul? The show's been canceled.
We've got to clean out the desks.
Hold it, hold it, hold it. Wait a second.
Wait a second.
The letter's said. We've got to move.
You mean that this is how it all ends?
We get canceled and you just clean out your desk like some kind of little wimp?
You know something?
Letter comes in.
I've been here six years. I don't even have a desk.
Let's face it, we've been treated like dirt.
Dave, if we're going to leave, let's take a piece of this place with us.
No.
No, what exactly are you saying, Paul?
I'm saying let's trash this dump.
Come on.
No, no, I don't.
I don't.
No, I don't.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
No, I see what I'm talking about.
Hal?
Hal?
Hal?
Yes, Hal.
Yes, Hal.
Yes, Hal.
Hold it.
Hold it, guys.
Yes, Hal.
What is it, Hal?
What is it, Hal?
You know, Dave, we checked into this Kenny House guy from Stan Kentucky.
Right.
He's not with GE or NBC.
Looks like some kind of hoax.
Oh.
You see that?
It's all a misunderstanding.
Oh, gee, I feel terrible.
Yeah, well.
I'm always overreacting to it.
I know.
It's just a hoax.
Thank God.
Thanks.
Never mind.
Show yourself, folks.
I feel silly about this.
There you go.
That's good.
That's, you know, I'm glad we weren't canceled just when we have the fountain
working and everything.
Letter number five begins, "Dear Dave, what scares you?"
Phil Jameson.
You know, Phil, I can honestly say that I have never, never been scared of
anything in my entire life.
But I'll tell you, I have noticed one thing.
I've noticed that these little mice, these guys right there, they get plenty
scared when I poke at them with this pencil.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, gee.
Look at that.
Oh, Dave.
He, hee.
Dave.
What are you...
What?
Dave, that seems kind of cruel to...
Do you think that's like a great thing to be doing?
Sure, why not?
It amuses me to torture them in this manner.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Ah, and besides that, what can possibly go wrong?
David Letterman, a man who, because he had never known fear, decided to play
guard, only to have the tables turned.
Irony indeed.
But then, such occurrences are common in Viff Henderson's realm of mystery.
Viff Henderson's realm of mystery.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, with Howard Stern.
We'll be back, folks, 