Name: Cybill Shepherd, Gerty Molzen, More on Letterman, May 7, 1986 (full, st.)
Uploaded: 2018-05-31T04:24:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cybill Shepherd, Gerty Molzen, More on Letterman, May 7, 1986 (full, st.)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cybill Shepherd, Gerty Molzen, More on Letterman, May 7, 1986 (full, st.)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-05-31. Transcript available.

Cybill Shepherd, Gerty Molzen, More on Letterman, May 7, 1986 (full, st.)

From New York, where the one-room boyhood home of Abraham Lincoln has been
restored and converted
into six luxury garden apartments, it's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, Sybil Shepard, professional golfer Mack O'Brady, and 80-year-old rock
singer Gertie Molzen.
Also, from the all-new Regulator Guy, Chris Elliott, and a look at dumb ads.
And now, a man who likes nothing better than a warm batch of Kaloogies, David
Letterman!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you so much for coming.
I'm glad you're in a good mood.
I have a very, very important announcement to make to you tonight.
I really have had a nice, long, enjoyable, healthy relationship with myself.
But I'm leaving my own television program.
I have just signed a very lucrative contract.
I'm going to be the new permanent guest host on The Joan Rivers Show.
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Thank you very much!
Thank you!
Thank you!
You know, there was an interesting statistic in our favorite paper, Paul.
What is it?
USA Today!
By 1995, three...
This is true.
Three...
Thanks, Dave.
Yes, the yodeling comedian.
Yes!
Three out of every four Americans will have their own late-night talk show.
Thank you very much!
Thank you!
Thank you!
We have interesting Kurt Waldheim news.
Is it Waldheim, Paul, or Waldheim?
Oh, I don't know.
No, I would say it's Waldheim.
Wait a minute.
Waldheim.
Do I detect apathy on your part?
No, no, no.
I thought you were asking me a question that I would have no idea the answer,
but as it
turned out, I knew the answer.
But it's never stopped you before.
This is true, sir.
Try it with a little spirit.
Okay.
Because we're just starting what I think is going to be a terrific program.
I'm excited about it.
All right.
I'm excited about it.
All right.
Go ahead.
Give me the lead-in.
Interesting statistic about...
Not a statistic.
We've done that one.
Interesting item about Kurt Waldheim.
Paul, is it Waldheim or Waldheim?
Waldheim, Dave.
Now, you're not going over to the new Fox network, are you?
I haven't heard about the Fox network.
They're starting a whole new network.
A fourth network, yeah.
Were they calling for me?
Well, they might.
They might.
They might want you to be over there.
Don't go.
Do me.
Fox is starting like 20th Century Fox.
Where have you been, Paul?
On Mars, Dave.
No.
Did you hear about this yesterday?
Did you hear about this yesterday?
An enormous amount of information about Kurt Waldheim?
About Kurt Waldheim.
About Kurt Waldheim.
Paul, is it Waldheim or Waldheim?
Waldheim, Dave.
Now, you're not going over to the new Fox network, are you?
I haven't heard about the Fox network.
They're starting a whole new network.
A fourth network, yeah.
Were they calling for me?
Well, they might.
They might want you to be over there.
Don't go.
Paul.
On Mars, Dave.
No.
Did you hear about this yesterday?
An enormous, a fourth like we really want another TV network.
Oh, do we?
We want another TV network?
Much more, much more quality programming.
Anyway, Paul, this Kurt Waldheim, Waldheim.
Waldheim, Dave.
Now, he admits that he did join the Nazi party years and years ago,
but he made a point of always paying his dues late.
No, there's no point in that one either, Kevin.
Here he is, folks, our good friend, Paul Schaefer.
Say hello.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
Yeah.
Ray Charles.
All right.
Ray Charles.
You're doing Tony Bennett, aren't you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Saying Ray Charles.
Tony Bennett was here last night, and he sang with Paul and the band,
and at the end of the song, he looked at you and he said,
Ray Charles.
Yelled out Ray Charles.
Again, nobody knows why.
Yeah.
Ray Charles.
Okay.
So that's my new thing.
I'm just going to be yelling out Ray Charles at any point for absolutely no
reason at all.
Oh, please.
Please don't.
Please don't do that.
Tony did.
You know what we have back here under this bedspread, bedsheet here?
We have the world's largest cut gem, boys and girls.
It's the Brazilian princess.
Paul?
Thank you.
Ray.
Here it is right here.
It's a topaz weighing more than 21,000 carats.
It weighs nine and a half pounds.
It's nearly flawless and a light blue gem.
It is part of a 75-pound topaz crystal discovered in the mountains of eastern
Brazil some 30 years ago.
And some lucky studio audience member is taking this baby home tonight.
You know, topaz is a compound.
All right, Paul.
Topaz is a compound.
Richa!
It's a compound of aluminum, silica and fluorine or fluorine or something.
And we have a gentleman who is a security guard.
He was here last night.
And this is no joke.
You have to be here, don't you, to guard this gem?
Yes.
This is Arthur Polizzi.
Polizzi, am I pronouncing it properly?
Right.
Polizzi?
Polizzi.
And nice to see you.
What time did you get here today?
4:30.
4:30.
You'll stay through the rest of the show?
Yes, I will.
And then it goes into the NBC vault, doesn't it?
Right, it is.
Are you enjoying your stay so far?
What bothers you more in the summer, the heat or the humidity?
Either one.
Boy, the humidity is just my hair is going nuts here.
Looks a little stupid, doesn't it?
No, it looks good.
Looks all right?
All right.
Don't let anybody close to that thing, all right?
Or it's coming out of your pocket.
Exactly.
Now what are we doing?
Let's just get on with it, shall we?
Oh, we got way too much stuff.
We got a great show.
And it's so good, you probably think you're watching another station.
Huh?
Five minutes.
Okay.
Here we have a little comedy.
Let's start the program with a little comedy.
Tonight we do dumb ads.
These are actual advertisements found in periodicals all across the United
States.
Paul, music for dumb ads?
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, be-do-be-dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb ads.
Stop it.
Hold it.
No, no.
Uh, Phoenix Yellow Pages.
Maternity insurance.
Health insurance.
Optional maternity.
Call before conception.
Oh, gee.
Oh, my gosh.
Hold it right there, honey.
I gotta make a call.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it right there, honey.
I gotta make a call.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Here's an ad for something called the New Improved Yuva Sun.
Still the only tanning system exempt from FDA restrictions.
Yes, no meddling bureaucrats standing between you and severe third-degree burns.
Fire off a couple of rounds a little later, will you?
I got extra tonight.
You got some extra ammo?
Good.
Here's an advertisement for an establishment.
I think members of our staff have worked in this place.
It's called Dreams Cabaret and Bar.
Adult entertainment.
All nude dancers on the safe east side.
See that?
It says that over there on the safe east side.
Thank God, finally, a reason to wear my top hat.
East side.
Safe east side.
Daniel Callen, attorney at law.
Drunk driving, auto accident, drug defense, personal injury, lewd conduct.
Ooh, boy, I would really love to be in this guy's waiting room, wouldn't you?
Paul, get in here and help us out.
Are you in a bad mood tonight?
No, I'm fine.
You're over there with that dour expression on your face.
I'm just looking at the list and saying, what are we going to play for the
first song?
Well, get into it.
It's kind of a party atmosphere here.
Okay, no, I'm partying.
Me and Arthur are having a good time.
I can see that.
Why are we giving away famous nationally advertised Wallace Super Pro baseball
gloves for only $10?
Go ahead.
Flex it, thump it, punch it, smell it.
You know, oddly enough, this is the same offer you get with spam.
Ray Charles!
If he does that again.
A warning shot.
Okay, this one is.
Must liquidate.
Over two million Ten Commandment clocks must be sold immediately.
I think they're marked down because of a misprint.
The Tenth Commandment is employees must wash hands.
Ray Charles.
Oh, here's something.
Oh, yeah.
An advertisement, which reads plainly, as you can see, I love my coupons.
And like everything else I love, I cut them out with scissors.
It's a pretty good gig, isn't it?
Terrific.
Yeah.
What was the last thing you guarded?
About a million dollars.
Oh, is that right?
Where was that?
On the armored trucks.
Oh, you work on armored trucks?
That's dangerous work.
You don't know what you're doing, yeah?
I don't know what I'm doing?
I see.
You're mouthing off about the job I'm doing here tonight.
No, I know.
You don't know what you're getting into, do you?
No, you don't know what you're doing.
You're going to get in a lot of trouble.
Yeah.
You know, a lot of these fellas, they get off the trucks like they're...
What?
Like they're, you know, old John, you know, from Hollywood.
John Wayne.
That's right.
And the ventilation in those things is not too good either, is it?
Long, hot summer day.
Here's an ad for a theater called Great Performances.
Some of the upcoming attractions, as you can see, Evita, the Irish Rovers, big
band salute to the Dorseys.
But for April, 1987, they have Tennessee Ernie Ford or Debbie Reynolds.
Either way, you're going to enjoy a great play.
It's Elephant Man.
So, go see that.
How are we doing on time?
We all right?
We're out of it?
We should maybe go.
I'll find one to end on and then we'll get right to it.
We have Sybil Shepard here tonight.
Yeah.
Okay.
Here's an ad.
This will be our final one.
Get ready, Paul.
Yeah.
It says here, scrubbing the toilet is a lousy job.
In fact, that's how I lost my thumb.
There you go.
We have a wonderful program.
We'll be right back to Sybil Shepard.
Michael Brady is here and also Bernie Molson.
Thank you very much.
We have a lot of things that we didn't get to.
We have a top ten list.
We'll try to get to that later.
We have our Connie Chung, Gerald Ford countdown for their new show, American Almanac,
1986.
We didn't get to that.
We have much, much more.
We have this lovely item from the American Museum of Natural History being
guarded tonight
by Arthur Polizzi doing a fine job.
Thank you, Arthur, for your help.
All right, let's bring out our first guest.
She certainly is a star of a terrifically popular television program on another
network called Moonlighting.
It's always a pleasure to welcome her to this show.
Please say hello now to Sybil Shepard.
Sybil Shepard.
Well, well, well, well.
What, uh, what exactly do we have here?
What's it look like?
Well, it looks, it looks like, uh, you in a towel.
Yes.
And the guy with a gun.
Uh, now, now, uh, why exactly, uh, did you choose to come out here like that?
Not that we don't love it and appreciate it, but...
Well, my clothes are hanging over there.
Yeah.
That's right.
Now, I don't know if, uh, for some reason, about two weeks ago, somebody who
works with
you in your huge entourage, do you have a lot of people that you work with?
No.
Well, somebody sent these to us and they said, these are Sybil Shepard's, uh,
clothing.
This is her, I don't know, like a pants.
My outfit.
Your outfit, your outfit.
And, uh, they sent it to us and we hung it up there and it's been here all week.
Yes, and I, when I heard that you had had it there all week, it's sort of, I
sort of didn't
want to wear it anymore.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Uh...
I didn't know what you'd done with it while it was hanging there.
Yeah.
Well, you know, I, I must say that we, we thought it was a little strange that
they sent it out,
so we just hung it up there and never, I don't even know if we even referred to
it during the,
the last couple of weeks, but I'm glad your clothing is here and I'm glad you're
here, certainly.
Yes.
Are you comfortable in that?
This is a first for me.
Yeah.
Never appeared on a television program in a towel.
Yes.
Network television in a towel.
Yeah.
I could