Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, May 1, 1986
Uploaded: 2018-06-01T01:02:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, May 1, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, May 1, 1986' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-01. Transcript available.

I'm scared silly. We got this jumbo horse in here, don't we?
How much does this horse weigh?
1,200 pounds. So nearly a ton.
800 pounds short of a ton of meat.
And of course, being the host of this little nickel and dime show here,
I will, I guess, have to get up on him and ride it.
Because...
I like, you know, I really, I like, I like animals, I like horses,
but horses, you know, they bite. They just bite you silly.
People are going like this all over.
Like I'm just lunging at people and biting them.
And, well, this one dances and flies and all kind of stuff, doesn't it?
So if I seem a little preoccupied, it's because in a few minutes,
I think it was Mike Douglas who started this pointless tradition, didn't he?
Years and years ago, Mike Douglas would do just anything, you know?
And so now, as a result of that,
everybody has to ride the damn horse when it comes up.
Thanks a lot, Mike.
Um, I'll get crushed.
He'll throw me off.
Boom, that's my spine snapping right there.
And then he'll step on my head. Thank you.
And then he'll bite me right in...
Oh, you know, all because of Mike Douglas.
I don't want to ride the damn horse, but it'll be fun.
It'll be fun, won't it?
2,000-pound horse. Thank you very much.
It's a Lipizzan stallion.
What's the difference between a stallion and a gelding?
Well, the stallion is still.
Huh?
The stallion is still, yeah.
The stallion dates.
And I guess the gelding could as well,
but it'd probably be a shorter evening.
But, um...
Got to get on the damn horse a little bit later.
What else do we have there, Kevin?
Oh, and the other reason I'm a little preoccupied tonight,
our friend Paul Schaefer,
normally our musical director on the show is away.
He's off on the western coast of Canada
paying a visit to Princess Di and her husband, Captain Bob.
And Will, you're directing the group tonight.
I've got the thing.
You have the thing.
This is Will Lee, our fine bass player.
Will, introduce the gentleman who's sitting in for Paul tonight.
I'd love to, babe, man.
This is my long, lifelong friend, Rob Mounsey, over here.
We had a band together.
Rob, nice to have you.
He's producing my solo album.
Thank you very much for being here.
I'm producing him.
Rob Mounsey.
Nice to have you here.
And we'll just proceed.
Now, see, another thing.
The acoustics are completely screwed up in here tonight.
Guess why?
The damn horse.
Look, we've carpeted the studio for the damn horse.
So now it's sort of like a funeral home in here.
Everything hushed, muted tones.
It's because we have a horse on the show.
There's fine programming, huh?
Get a horse.
Get a horse out there.
Get on him.
I'll do one more joke,
then we'll start the program officially.
So if you're waiting to turn on your VCRs,
give me a minute here and then go.
Ronald Reagan is on the fourth or fifth leg
of his Far East journey.
He's on his way to Japan.
He left Bali.
And now he and Nancy are splitting up on the trip.
Nancy is going to Malaysia and also to Thailand.
Now, this will be Nancy Reagan's first solo visit
to third world countries.
And obviously, they are doubling security.
This is, of course, to keep her at a safe distance
from people who may be wearing synthetic fabrics.
I don't even care because in a few minutes,
a horse will come out and kill me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the guy sitting in for Paul Schaefer.
Rob Mouncey.
Thank you.
Sure.
How you doing?
Rob Mouncey.
Nice to have you here, Rob.
Thank you very much for helping us out.
And I guess we have Paul here on the line from Vancouver, don't we?
Oh, yeah.
Make Rob feel bad.
Thank you very much.
Vancouver.
Okay.
This is Paul here.
Hello.
Hi.
Paul, how are you?
I'm fine.
Room service just arrived.
What are you having there?
I've got a lovely Canadian roast beef sandwich here.
Let me just sign it here.
And put a huge gratuity on here for the lovely chap.
Paul.
Paul.
Garland came up here, delivered my sandwich.
That's very nice of him.
How's the weather there in Vancouver?
It's a little overcast today.
All right.
Now tell the people what you're going to be doing in a few short hours.
I'm going to, I'm very, very honored, Dave,
to be attending a dinner this evening in honor of the prince and princess of
Wales.
Prince Charles, for your information.
I know who it is, Paul.
Ah.
Yeah.
Ah.
Very excited to be here.
I just got off a plane a little while ago.
Got a lot of calls already from the press.
Uh-huh.
It seems people think we're coming here to do the show.
No, no, we're not.
Was there anything about us coming to Vancouver to do the show?
No, no, we're not.
We're not coming to Vancouver to do the show, although we'd love to come to
Vancouver.
Now, listen, Paul, how soon are you going down there to meet these people?
Within a couple of hours.
Okay, look, have you got a second?
Can you stay with us through a viewer mail?
Yeah, I'd love to.
I think it's going to be rocky.
How is Will doing over there?
Will's doing just fine.
We got a horse on tonight, Paul.
Yeah, I heard it.
Are you going to ride the horse?
Yeah.
Yes.
Okay, Paul, here we go.
I'll tell you what, why don't you count off the letters for us?
Okay.
Like we sometimes do.
All the way from Vancouver.
A transcontinental viewer mail.
Get ready, Paul.
Go ahead, any time.
Letter number one.
Thank you very much, Paul.
All the way from Vancouver.
A beautiful city, by the way, isn't it, Paul?
Huh?
Gorgeous up here.
Did you go to the park, like I mentioned?
I've got a view of Stanley Park right from my window.
Letter number one.
Dear Mr. Letterman, on May 9th, 1986.
This, by the way, is actual letters.
These are actual letters from actual viewers, and we answer them once a week
here on Thursday.
Go ahead.
Do it again, Paul.
Yeah, letter number one.
Dear Mr. Letterman, on May 9th, 1986, Boy Scout Troop 6 will be honoring our
scout, Gregory W. Janicki.
He will be receiving scouting's highest award, that of Eagle Scout.
This scout's goal in life is to enter the field of journalism and the
television media.
He is a tremendous fan of yours.
Well, that's very thoughtful.
And I know he would enjoy receiving a letter of congratulations from you for
his outstanding work in scouting.
Yours in scouting, Robert Burns, Chicago, Illinois.
Well, Paul, oh, by the way, Paul, don't play along on this one.
Oh.
Okay.
Paul, what do you think of this?
A scout wants to go into broadcasting.
Tonight, the part of Paul Schaefer will be played by stagehand Jimmy Fitzgerald.
Dave, that's the nuttiest thing I've ever heard.
There's no place for out of it, nowhere, scouts in a marvelous industry like
showbiz.
Well, Paul, I have to disagree with you here.
I think scouting does have a place in show business.
For instance, the night that the microphones here in the studio went dead and
the audience couldn't hear a word I said.
You know, I remember that as if it were yesterday.
You got to go to the dentist's office and she told the dentist as she sat into
the chair there.
That's great.
Okay.
Okay.
So, so, Paul, did you learn a little something from this?
Absolutely, Dave.
Hold it, Paul.
We got a guy standing in for you.
Jimmy sounded marvelous.
This is me, though.
We're not done yet.
Hang on.
We'll get back to you.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Paul, so did you learn a little something from this?
I sure did, Dave.
I learned that scouting is a gas.
Yeah, good for you.
Okay, Jimmy.
Okay, Paul, any time.
That is marvelous.
Is it time for the next letter?
Okay, Paul, go right ahead.
Okay, here we go.
Letter number two.
Okay.
By the way, we're doing better than expected.
Great.
Yeah.
What are you wearing right now, Paul?
I just got on, you know, I'm just slipping into my tux right now, as a matter
of fact.
Are you really?
I didn't bring the right socks, though.
You're going to get it wrinkled if you get it on this early, aren't you?
I know.
Well, I want to check it out and make sure everything's okay.
I don't have the silk socks.
I've got to go buy the socks as soon as I hang up.
Oh, boy.
Because you've got to have the right accessories.
Here's a man living on the edge.
He's in Vancouver.
He's got to go shopping for socks.
You've got to have the right socks.
You've got to have black silk socks with a tux.
Okay.
All right.
Do it again, Paul.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, I have been watching your show now for a number of years.
I have seen it on both black and white TVs as well as color televisions, but
each has a different look to it.
I was wondering if you taped two different shows, one to be shown on black and
white, the other on color TV.
Sincerely, yours, Wade Wilcox, UW.
Is that University of Wisconsin?
Platteville?
Well, we're not sure.
It's an interesting question, though, Wade.
And no, we don't tape two different versions of the show for black and for
white and for color TVs,
but we do tape a special version of the show for those of you who have those
little tiny miniature televisions like the Sony Watchman.
Hal, show them what that special version looks like.
Here it is on the screen, and you'll see right after this show we tape a...
There it is, right there.
Okay.
Let's leave it that way for a while.
See if we can really irritate people tonight.
Now, there's nothing wrong with your sets.
We're just screwing around with you, all right?
Okay, Paul, here we go, buddy.
Next letter?
Yeah.
Letter number three.
Okay.
Hi.
Dear Dave, do you really hate ABC and CBS?
I would be willing to bet that you watch some shows on those networks, just as
we all do.
I bet you even like some of them.
Do you honestly think that they are as bad as they say they are?
Respectfully, yours, Laura J. Finn, Smith College, Northampton, Massachusetts.
Well, Laura, your idealistic letter brought me up short, I must say, and I have
been critical
of other networks, but I got to thinking about it.
And, you know, I think if we could meet face-to-face and discuss our
difficulties openly, maybe
we'd find that we have a lot in common.
So, we have some representatives here tonight from other networks.
Please make them feel welcome from ABC, Mr. Charles Dixon, and from CBS, Mr.
Vernon Wallace.
Charles, nice to see you.
How are you doing?
How are you doing?
Nice to see you.
How are you?
So, gentlemen, we're very honored to have you here.
Let me know if there's anything that I can help you with to make your stay a
little more pleasant.
Well, you could fix me up with some of the broads around here.
Yeah.
Where can a guy get a drink in this dump?
Well, I'll tell you, we'll get to that later, Mr. Wallace.
Tell me, what are some of the projects you're working on over at CBS?
Well, we're trying to get clearance to put cigarette ads on Saturday morning
cartoons.
Oh.
Great idea.
We've got one.
We've got one that makes the evening news a lot easier.
What is that?
We just make it up.
Yeah.
But, you know, we're different networks, different approaches.
But, basically, wouldn't you agree we all share a commitment to quality
programming?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, come on.
Those idiots out there, they'll watch anything you put on.
Oh, hi, Tommy.
Dave, maybe I'm out of line, but I can't sit still and listen to this.
Well.
It's bad enough to sell cigarettes to kids, but they just insulted the best
damn audience in the world.
If you'll excuse me, I'll be back after they take out that garbage.
Thank you, Tommy.
Nice to have been.
Thank you.
Nice to have been.
Thank you very much.
Hey.
What's the old tamer so bent out of shape for?
We're just expressing our opinion.
That's right, gentlemen.
You're just expressing your opinion, and now I'm going to express mine.
Get the hell out of my studio.
Oh, boy.
I wish I could go looking for socks with you, Paul.
Boy, Dave, you really showed those network guys.
You know how silly it feels.
This is what Arnie Barnes feels like.
He's got to sit here with a phone listening to the show.
He can't even see it.
All right.
We're almost finished here, Paul.
Let's go back to the regular format, Hal, so people don't start whatever they
do when they have...
There it is.
Oh, no.
Let's go back.
Okay, Paul, we're down to the, I think it's the last letter here, buddy.
Great.
And then we'll let you get on to your gala evening.
Now, don't embarrass yourself and mention my name.
Okay, take it away.
I sure will.
Here we go.
Letter number four.
Thank you, Paul.
Dear Mr. Letterman, my name is Eva Sullivan.
I live in northern Idaho.
I'm writing you this letter in hopes that you might be willing to give my 14-year-old
son a little excitement for his birthday.
His birthday is on Monday, May 5th, and he will be 15 years old.
My family and I would really appreciate it if you could just squeeze in a happy
birthday to him on that night.
Sincerely yours, Eva J. Sullivan, northern Idaho.
Of course, that's the part of the state where they have no cities.
Eva, you know, I would just love to wish your son a happy birthday,
but I'm afraid that would violate my contract with the fine videocassette
company
that pays me to make these Dave Letterman happy birthday party tapes.
Here, let me show you what they look like.
Put them up there where you can get a good look at them.
See, they come all different names.
You can get them both VHS and in the beta format.
I tell you what, Hal, can you play just a couple of these,
and we'll show Ava what these look like.
Happy birthday, Frank.
Happy birthday, Francine.
Happy birthday, Frederick.
Happy birthday, Gabe.
All right.
That's it.
That's our viewer mail.
Listen, Paul, nice job.
Have a good trip, and we'll look forward to seeing you Monday.
And see if you can't work my name into the conversation somehow.
I will.
I'll give you a role of regards.
Okay, take care of yourself.
Thanks a lot.
Bye-bye, Paul.
All right.
Okay, there goes Paul.
All right.
We're, oh, we got a great show.
Oh, the horse.
Yeah, the horse will be out here in just a minute.
We have to pause for a commercial.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.

Viewer Mail on Letterman, May 1, 1986

I'm scared silly. We got this jumbo horse in here, don't we?
How much does this horse weigh?
1,200 pounds. So nearly a ton.
800 pounds short of a ton of meat.
And of course, being the host of this little nickel and dime show here,
I will, I guess, have to get up on him and ride it.
Because...
I like, you know, I really, I like, I like animals, I like horses,
but horses, you know, they bite. They just bite you silly.
People are going like this all over.
Like I'm just lunging at people and biting them.
And, well, this one dances and flies and all kind of stuff, doesn't it?
So if I seem a little preoccupied, it's because in a few minutes,
I think it was Mike Douglas who started this pointless tradition, didn't he?
Years and years ago, Mike Douglas would do just anything, you know?
And so now, as a result of that,
everybody has to ride the damn horse when it comes up.
Thanks a lot, Mike.
Um, I'll get crushed.
He'll throw me off.
Boom, that's my spine snapping right there.
And then he'll step on my head. Thank you.
And then he'll bite me right in...
Oh, you know, all because of Mike Douglas.
I don't want to ride the damn horse, but it'll be fun.
It'll be fun, won't it?
2,000-pound horse. Thank you very much.
It's a Lipizzan stallion.
What's the difference between a stallion and a gelding?
Well, the stallion is still.
Huh?
The stallion is still, yeah.
The stallion dates.
And I guess the gelding could as well,
but it'd probably be a shorter evening.
But, um...
Got to get on the damn horse a little bit later.
What else do we have there, Kevin?
Oh, and the other reason I'm a little preoccupied tonight,
our friend Paul Schaefer,
normally our musical director on the show is away.
He's off on the western coast of Canada
paying a visit to Princess Di and her husband, Captain Bob.
And Will, you're directing the group tonight.
I've got the thing.
You have the thing.
This is Will Lee, our fine bass player.
Will, introduce the gentleman who's sitting in for Paul tonight.
I'd love to, babe, man.
This is my long, lifelong friend, Rob Mounsey, over here.
We had a band together.
Rob, nice to have you.
He's producing my solo album.
Thank you very much for being here.
I'm producing him.
Rob Mounsey.
Nice to have you here.
And we'll just proceed.
Now, see, another thing.
The acoustics are completely screwed up in here tonight.
Guess why?
The damn horse.
Look, we've carpeted the studio for the damn horse.
So now it's sort of like a funeral home in here.
Everything hushed, muted tones.
It's because we have a horse on the show.
There's fine programming, huh?
Get a horse.
Get a horse out there.
Get on him.
I'll do one more joke,
then we'll start the program officially.
So if you're waiting to turn on your VCRs,
give me a minute here and then go.
Ronald Reagan is on the fourth or fifth leg
of his Far East journey.
He's on his way to Japan.
He left Bali.
And now he and Nancy are splitting up on the trip.
Nancy is going to Malaysia and also to Thailand.
Now, this will be Nancy Reagan's first solo visit
to third world countries.
And obviously, they are doubling security.
This is, of course, to keep her at a safe distance
from people who may be wearing synthetic fabrics.
I don't even care because in a few minutes,
a horse will come out and kill me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the guy sitting in for Paul Schaefer.
Rob Mouncey.
Thank you.
Sure.
How you doing?
Rob Mouncey.
Nice to have you here, Rob.
Thank you very much for helping us out.
And I guess we have Paul here on the line from Vancouver, don't we?
Oh, yeah.
Make Rob feel bad.
Thank you very much.
Vancouver.
Okay.
This is Paul here.
Hello.
Hi.
Paul, how are you?
I'm fine.
Room service just arrived.
What are you having there?
I've got a lovely Canadian roast beef sandwich here.
Let me just sign it here.
And put a huge gratuity on here for the lovely chap.
Paul.
Paul.
Garland came up here, delivered my sandwich.
That's very nice of him.
How's the weather there in Vancouver?
It's a little overcast today.
All right.
Now tell the people what you're going to be doing in a few short hours.
I'm going to, I'm very, very honored, Dave,
to be attending a dinner this evening in honor of the prince and princess of
Wales.
Prince Charles, for your information.
I know who it is, Paul.
Ah.
Yeah.
Ah.
Very excited to be here.
I just got off a plane a little while ago.
Got a lot of calls already from the press.
Uh-huh.
It seems people think we're coming here to do the show.
No, no, we're not.
Was there anything about us coming to Vancouver to do the show?
No, no, we're not.
We're not coming to Vancouver to do the show, although we'd love to come to
Vancouver.
Now, listen, Paul, how soon are you going down there to meet these people?
Within a couple of hours.
Okay, look, have you got a second?
Can you stay with us through a viewer mail?
Yeah, I'd love to.
I think it's going to be rocky.
How is Will doing over there?
Will's doing just fine.
We got a horse on tonight, Paul.
Yeah, I heard it.
Are you going to ride the horse?
Yeah.
Yes.
Okay, Paul, here we go.
I'll tell you what, why don't you count off the letters for us?
Okay.
Like we sometimes do.
All the way from Vancouver.
A transcontinental viewer mail.
Get ready, Paul.
Go ahead, any time.
Letter number one.
Thank you very much, Paul.
All the way from Vancouver.
A beautiful city, by the way, isn't it, Paul?
Huh?
Gorgeous up here.
Did you go to the park, like I mentioned?
I've got a view of Stanley Park right from my window.
Letter number one.
Dear Mr. Letterman, on May 9th, 1986.
This, by the way, is actual letters.
These are actual letters from actual viewers, and we answer them once a week
here on Thursday.
Go ahead.
Do it again, Paul.
Yeah, letter number one.
Dear Mr. Letterman, on May 9th, 1986, Boy Scout Troop 6 will be honoring our
scout, Gregory W. Janicki.
He will be receiving scouting's highest award, that of Eagle Scout.
This scout's goal in life is to enter the field of journalism and the
television media.
He is a tremendous fan of yours.
Well, that's very thoughtful.
And I know he would enjoy receiving a letter of congratulations from you for
his outstanding work in scouting.
Yours in scouting, Robert Burns, Chicago, Illinois.
Well, Paul, oh, by the way, Paul, don't play along on this one.
Oh.
Okay.
Paul, what do you think of this?
A scout wants to go into broadcasting.
Tonight, the part of Paul Schaefer will be played by stagehand Jimmy Fitzgerald.
Dave, that's the nuttiest thing I've ever heard.
There's no place for out of it, nowhere, scouts in a marvelous industry like
showbiz.
Well, Paul, I have to disagree with you here.
I think scouting does have a place in show business.
For instance, the night that the microphones here in the studio went dead and
the audience couldn't hear a word I said.
You know, I remember that as if it were yesterday.
You got to go to the dentist's office and she told the dentist as she sat into
the chair there.
That's great.
Okay.
Okay.
So, so, Paul, did you learn a little something from this?
Absolutely, Dave.
Hold it, Paul.
We got a guy standing in for you.
Jimmy sounded marvelous.
This is me, though.
We're not done yet.
Hang on.
We'll get back to you.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Paul, so did you learn a little something from this?
I sure did, Dave.
I learned that scouting is a gas.
Yeah, good for you.
Okay, Jimmy.
Okay, Paul, any time.
That is marvelous.
Is it time for the next letter?
Okay, Paul, go right ahead.
Okay, here we go.
Letter number two.
Okay.
By the way, we're doing better than expected.
Great.
Yeah.
What are you wearing right now, Paul?
I just got on, you know, I'm just slipping into my tux right now, as a matter
of fact.
Are you really?
I didn't bring the right socks, though.
You're going to get it wrinkled if you get it on this early, aren't you?
I know.
Well, I want to check it out and make sure everything's okay.
I don't have the silk socks.
I've got to go buy the socks as soon as I hang up.
Oh, boy.
Because you've got to have the right accessories.
Here's a man living on the edge.
He's in Vancouver.
He's got to go shopping for socks.
You've got to have the right socks.
You've got to have black silk socks with a tux.
Okay.
All right.
Do it again, Paul.
Letter number two.
Dear Dave, I have been watching your show now for a number of years.
I have seen it on both black and white TVs as well as color televisions, but
each has a different look to it.
I was wondering if you taped two different shows, one to be shown on black and
white, the other on color TV.
Sincerely, yours, Wade Wilcox, UW.
Is that University of Wisconsin?
Platteville?
Well, we're not sure.
It's an interesting question, though, Wade.
And no, we don't tape two different versions of the show for black and for
white and for color TVs,
but we do tape a special version of the show for those of you who have those
little tiny miniature televisions like the Sony Watchman.
Hal, show them what that special version looks like.
Here it is on the screen, and you'll see right after this show we tape a...
There it is, right there.
Okay.
Let's leave it that way for a while.
See if we can really irritate people tonight.
Now, there's nothing wrong with your sets.
We're just screwing around with you, all right?
Okay, Paul, here we go, buddy.
Next letter?
Yeah.
Letter number three.
Okay.
Hi.
Dear Dave, do you really hate ABC and CBS?
I would be willing to bet that you watch some shows on those networks, just as
we all do.
I bet you even like some of them.
Do you honestly think that they are as bad as they say they are?
Respectfully, yours, Laura J. Finn, Smith College, Northampton, Massachusetts.
Well, Laura, your idealistic letter brought me up short, I must say, and I have
been critical
of other networks, but I got to thinking about it.
And, you know, I think if we could meet face-to-face and discuss our
difficulties openly, maybe
we'd find that we have a lot in common.
So, we have some representatives here tonight from other networks.
Please make them feel welcome from ABC, Mr. Charles Dixon, and from CBS, Mr.
Vernon Wallace.
Charles, nice to see you.
How are you doing?
How are you doing?
Nice to see you.
How are you?
So, gentlemen, we're very honored to have you here.
Let me know if there's anything that I can help you with to make your stay a
little more pleasant.
Well, you could fix me up with some of the broads around here.
Yeah.
Where can a guy get a drink in this dump?
Well, I'll tell you, we'll get to that later, Mr. Wallace.
Tell me, what are some of the projects you're working on over at CBS?
Well, we're trying to get clearance to put cigarette ads on Saturday morning
cartoons.
Oh.
Great idea.
We've got one.
We've got one that makes the evening news a lot easier.
What is that?
We just make it up.
Yeah.
But, you know, we're different networks, different approaches.
But, basically, wouldn't you agree we all share a commitment to quality
programming?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, come on.
Those idiots out there, they'll watch anything you put on.
Oh, hi, Tommy.
Dave, maybe I'm out of line, but I can't sit still and listen to this.
Well.
It's bad enough to sell cigarettes to kids, but they just insulted the best
damn audience in the world.
If you'll excuse me, I'll be back after they take out that garbage.
Thank you, Tommy.
Nice to have been.
Thank you.
Nice to have been.
Thank you very much.
Hey.
What's the old tamer so bent out of shape for?
We're just expressing our opinion.
That's right, gentlemen.
You're just expressing your opinion, and now I'm going to express mine.
Get the hell out of my studio.
Oh, boy.
I wish I could go looking for socks with you, Paul.
Boy, Dave, you really showed those network guys.
You know how silly it feels.
This is what Arnie Barnes feels like.
He's got to sit here with a phone listening to the show.
He can't even see it.
All right.
We're almost finished here, Paul.
Let's go back to the regular format, Hal, so people don't start whatever they
do when they have...
There it is.
Oh, no.
Let's go bac