Name: Charlie Hill on Letterman, December 9, 1985
Uploaded: 2018-06-05T04:56:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charlie Hill on Letterman, December 9, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Charlie Hill on Letterman, December 9, 1985' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-05. Transcript available.

My next guest is a comedian who will be appearing on December 21st at the State
Penitentiary in Stillwater, Minnesota.
There may still be a few seats available. Please welcome Charlie Hill.
Charlie!
Thank you. I'd like to start off with some Indian humor.
One little, two little, three little whiteys, four little, five little, six.
Well, the liberals liked it. The rest of you look like them wooden white people
in my front yard.
My name is Charlie Hill. I'm an Onati Indian.
Originally from here in New York, now I'm from Wisconsin.
Had a little real estate problem.
It's nice to be back here. You know, I was watching boxing last night.
And I was wondering, why do Europeans come to America to box?
You know they're dead meat as soon as they're introduced.
In this corner, from London, England, the champion of Europe, record 47-0,
having never yet fought a black man.
I remember watching Holmes, Marvis Frazier. That was a mismatch. It would last
about 60 seconds.
I'll never forget it because I'm sitting in my apartment, sitting in my wife,
look, honey, I'll tell you what.
If you let me watch 15 rounds of boxing, I'll do all the vacuuming, I'll clean
out the house, okay?
You know, turn on the TV, Holmes goes...
And husbands always talk back to their wife while they're doing housework.
Well, Jim Thorpe never did housework. Why should I do this?
Now I'm trying to support my family by being an actor.
Remember my first audition, I walked into the studio, a guy says to me,
You know, Charlie, baby, you look like you're right for the part.
You're an Indian, you're kind of smart.
What I want you to do, babe, is take off your shirt and let's see where you can
grunt and craw for me.
You know, a little screen test and I said, look, I don't craw for anybody.
Give you $5,000 a week.
Well, they might grunt a little bit.
I got the job the next day I'm going,
Mazzola, corn goodness, Mazzola.
I was thrilled, I called my mom.
Hey, mom, I'm working.
Yeah, I'm in the Mazzola spot.
Yeah, I'm the second Indian behind the Italian.
Yeah, that's me.
Mazzola, you know, it's a wonderful song.
We're singing at all of our ceremonials.
I mean, the song's got everything in it, but people going like this.
You know, I've never seen an Indian person ever do this, you know.
I've seen drunken white people do that a lot.
Hey, where's the bingo hall, chief?
You know, people don't know better.
You know, it's a carryover from your childhood and the Boy Scouts.
Like, they got Indian clubs in them, but no Indians.
It doesn't matter.
They got the expert with the Billy Jack T-shirt.
All right, kids, we're going to do authentic Plains Indian dances today,
like I learned in Boston College, you know.
And like all Plains Indians, they'd whip out the piano in the middle of the gymnasium
and got out their cardboard headdresses.
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four.
You know, people don't realize that some of these dances are religious
expressions for Native people.
Like, what if I got my kids together and said,
Hey, let's play Catholic!
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two,
three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three,
four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one,
two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three,
four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one,
two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three,
four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one,
two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one,
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, four, one, two, three,
four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one,
two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three,
four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one,
two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three,
four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one,
two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three,
four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three
Darth Vader comes into the classroom.
No talking.
Today I want to teach you about love.
Thank you, sister.
I was doing a rope-and-up long before Ali came along.
I was against that blackboard.
Come on, sister, you ain't got nothing.
Come on, sister.
Sister Roberto Duran would come out of her corner.
I was about 11 years old before I realized nuns had legs, too.
I thought they had little wheels the way they got around themselves.
The thing I didn't like about school was the history books.
You know, I always thought they were one-sided, you know.
Because the white men wrote the history books.
Oh, the hell with you, Injun. We got the typewriters.
Once upon a time, there were three...
You know, history books call us vanishing Americans.
But we're still around.
When's the last time you've seen a pilgrim?
You never see the little guys with the hats and the guns anymore, you know.
Pilgrims came to America 400 years ago.
They were illegal aliens.
This is true.
The Indians used to call them whitebacks, you know.
First 20 minutes they were here, they were building houses.
And we asked, excuse us, fellas.
You gonna stay overnight, huh?
Don't you just hate it when you have company over for dinner and they never
leave?
Oh, we leave after Thanksgiving, chief.
What's Thanksgiving?
Well, it's a holiday.
We don't have holidays here.
Oh, that's okay.
We brought our own.
Hey.
Another thing about history books, I couldn't understand.
I always give people credit.
Like in California history books, I always tell you, you know, in 1507, Balboa
discovered
the Pacific Ocean.
He discovered the ocean.
You know, like the native people lived there for centuries.
I guess they had no idea there was an ocean out there.
Balboa said, hey, there's the Pacific Ocean.
He went, jeez, we had no idea what that was.
Thank you, white brother.
Now we can dance.
Mazola.
Hey, thank you very much.
We'll be right back, folks, with Charlie Hill.
Nice to see you, Charlie.
How you doing?
Okay, Charlie, tell me about this.
It's the December 21st at the State Penitentiary in Stillwater.
What is that like, working in a prison?
Well, the obvious line is it's a captive audience.
But you sit there and you look at them all, and they're looking at you like
this.
You know, these are the guys who are laughing.
I did a benefit last New Year's for Charles Manson.
And, yeah, they're going to let him out next week.
He said he was sorry.
It's a joke, as you say.
My thanks to Charlie and Bruce Willis and Letitia Boulders.
We'll see you tomorrow night, folks.
Have a nice night.