Name: Joe List on Late Show, June 5, 2014
Uploaded: 2018-06-05T20:46:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe List on Late Show, June 5, 2014' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe List on Late Show, June 5, 2014' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-05. Transcript available.

From the heart of Broadway, across the nation and around the world, it's The
Late Show with Dave A. Letterman!
Tonight, Hugh Jackman, comedian show list, and music from Elvis Costello!
Plus, Paul Schaefer and the CBS Orchestra, I'm Alan Coulter!
And now, the board of Avon, Dave A. Letterman!
And now, the board of Avon, Dave A. Letterman!
And now, the board of Avon, Dave A. Letterman!
And now, the board of Avon, Dave A. Letterman!
And now, the board of Avon, Dave A. Letterman!
And now, the board of Avon, Dave A. Letterman!
And now, the board of Avon, Dave A. Letterman!
And now, the board of Avon, Dave A. Letterman!
Thank you so much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna knock it off. That's it! Hey! That's all.
Thank you so much.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad you're all in a great mood.
Our next guest, Kid is a talented young comedian, and he's making his network
television debut with us here tonight.
So, that'll be very exciting for everybody.
And thanks to him for doing so.
You can see him performing at the Comedy Cellar right here in New York City.
Do me a favor, how about a nice welcome for Joe List.
Joe?
Thanks, everybody.
This is exciting.
I'm very nervous.
I get nervous on stage, mostly because I'm self-conscious about my looks,
particularly my teeth.
I was talking to my buddy the other day.
I was confiding in him.
I was like, "Man, I'm really self-conscious about my teeth."
Then he looked at him.
He goes, "Dude, all you need is some crest whitening strips."
I was like, "Thanks, man.
I'm actually self-conscious that they're crooked."
What the hell?
Let's throw yellow in there.
That's like somebody going, "Hey, do I look fat in this?"
I'm like, "Well, you've gotten uglier, so it's hard to say."
I got a buddy.
He was feeling fat the other day.
We went to the gym together.
We worked out.
Then afterwards, we weighed ourselves.
Not together.
We took turns.
That'd be weird if I was like, "Hey, jump on.
We'll do the math later."
No?
We weighed ourselves.
He left his shoes on while he was weighing himself.
You're not really supposed to do that.
He gets off the scale.
He goes, "It says I weigh 210, but left my shoes on.
It's probably more like 204."
I was like, "Hey, it seems like your shoes have a bit of a weight problem as
well.
Are those the new Nike Denials that you're working out in?"
Thank you.
Don't forget those tube socks.
Those got to weigh a pound and a half each.
They look awfully thick.
Sometimes you feel fat.
I'm thin, but I have a horrible diet.
I was reading an article the other day.
It said, "10 worst foods that you should never eat."
I had the remnants of four of the foods on my pants while I was reading the
article.
Well, I screwed this up.
I think I have a bad diet because everything I learned about food as a kid was
completely incorrect.
When I was a kid, my dad told me to eat steak.
He said that it would put hair on my chest.
Then recently I became an adult.
I found out that steak does not put hair on your chest.
Steak puts plaque in your arteries.
It's actually quite dangerous.
I was like, "Hey Dad, I'm having chest pains."
Is that the hair finally coming in?
Sometimes you feel fat.
Sometimes you feel dumb.
You ever try to read a book and the opening quote before the book even starts
is too much for you to understand?
I have horrible anxiety.
My friend told me I should meditate.
So I went to the bookstore.
I picked up the meditation book.
Page one, it said, "Only that day dawns to which you are awake."
I was like, "Well, this book is for somebody else."
I'm having a panic attack trying to break down the first sentence in this book.
I am too dumb to meditate.
I don't really understand meditation.
My friend goes, "You have anxiety?
You should meditate."
Oh, I should sit alone in a room with nothing but my thoughts?
What's your cure for my ADD?
Sudoku?
I don't really...
My friend goes, "Meditation's easy.
You just lay still with your eyes closed for like an hour."
I was like, "Yeah, isn't that a nap?"
That seems awfully similar to a nap.
He goes, "No, it's different.
You let your mind wander wherever it goes."
Yeah, that's a dream.
That's a nap featuring a dream that you're referring to.
I've been doing that since I was a fetus.
It doesn't help anxiety.
You're not really supposed to nap as an adult.
That's why you come up with all these adult terms to make napping seem better
than it actually is.
Power nap is my favorite.
Power nap makes it seem like you're working out a little bit, doesn't it?
I've never felt powerful after a nap my entire life.
I feel sad and discombobulated after I nap.
Thank you.
I nap every day.
My girlfriend gets mad.
She's like, "Well, I wish I could just nap every day."
I'm like, "Yeah, I bet you do.
It's the best."
It's the best.
You could nap every day, but you might make $16,000 a year telling jokes for a
living.
Oh.
You have health insurance.
I get to sleep during the day.
We've made our decisions.
Just let me rest in peace.
I use rest in peace in reference to sleep.
It makes more sense for sleep than it does death.
You should try it.
Before you go to bed tonight, turn to your wife or girlfriend and just be like,
"Rest in peace."
She's like, "What?"
I'm like, "I'm just saying.
Sleep well.
Rest in peace."
It's not at the change mode, though.
You can't go to a funeral and be like, "Sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs bite."
That's right.
Okay.
Thank you, Dan.
See ya.
Joe List, ladies and gentlemen.
How about that?
Great job, Joe.
Thank you very much.
Good to have you with us.
Thank you for being here.
We'll be right back with Elvis Costello, everybody.
Thank you.
Very funny.
Thank you very much.