Name: Chris Elliott as Jack Hanna Collection on Letterman, 1986 (st.)
Uploaded: 2018-06-07T00:32:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Elliott as Jack Hanna Collection on Letterman, 1986 (st.)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Elliott as Jack Hanna Collection on Letterman, 1986 (st.)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-07. Transcript available.

Thanks, Paul.
We have plenty more show for you folks tonight.
Danny Sullivan will be out in a couple of minutes,
and also Emo Phillips, a very funny gentleman.
Tomorrow on this program, David Brenner will be here with his Talking Birds,
and also Fred Willard.
That'll be tomorrow.
Sounds like quite a show, doesn't it?
And Thursday on this program, Cher will be here.
Be here all by herself.
Cher will be here.
Anybody else for Thursday?
Not yet.
Just...
But Cher will be here.
That's a good, promising start.
Yeah, we wanted to have Cher on the program for a long, long time,
and now she's on, so we're happy.
We got her, babe. Is that what you...
That's right.
My next guest has been with us many times before,
and it's always a pleasure,
and always entertaining as well as educational to have him here.
This man is the founder and director of the Columbus Zoo in Columbus, Ohio.
He makes regular appearances on Good Morning America,
and he's brought some pretty amazing animals for us to take a look at.
Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to Chris Elliott.
Chris?
Chris, how are you, Dave?
Good to see you.
Thank you very much.
What do you have there?
Well, this is just a little gift from the Columbus Zoo.
We sell these in the gift shop, and I thought you'd like it.
This is a tortoise shell.
Oh, that's beautiful.
There you go.
Why don't you take a look at that right over there.
That comes from about a 50-year-old tortoise or so.
Oh, that's a little picture.
It's got my picture in it.
I thought you could use it for nuts or dip or whatever.
Yeah, chips maybe.
Now, how did the tortoise die?
You said he was 50 years old.
How did the poor thing die?
Die?
He's not dead.
We just yanked off his shell.
The rest of it's crawling around somewhere.
Well, now, Chris, there at the zoo, I know you've had some really wonderful
personal experiences
with the animals, haven't you?
Well, I don't know about that.
I'm not a big animal lover, to be honest with you.
Have you ever had any real dangerous encounters with the wildlife?
Oh, hell yes, but you've got to hold your ground with the bastards.
Here, let me show you something.
Take a look at this.
I've got some right in here.
Can you see that?
Oh, my gosh.
Look at that.
Oh, how did that happen?
Appendicitis.
Bad business.
No, no.
Seriously, I had a scrape with a mean alligator once.
I have it down here.
Let me show it to you.
No, Chris, that's all right.
We'll take your word for it.
That's all right.
Now, see it yourself.
Oh, okay.
Now, Chris, as always, you brought some interesting animals with you.
Yes, I've got something very unusual.
Where the hell is it?
It's back here.
Here it is.
I don't know where exactly to do this.
Let me do it right over here.
Hold it right up there to camera one.
Okay, take a look at it right over here.
Camera one, I guess.
There you go.
That's a panda.
Panda.
And it says it's a long-tailed Himalayan carnivore, and it resembles closely
the American raccoon.
Yeah.
Isn't that something?
That's a panda.
That's good.
That's good.
Do you want to bring it out?
Can we bring out the panda?
Do you want to bring it on out here?
Well, Dave, we don't have any pandas.
Those things cost money.
Oh.
We're going to try to breed our own, though.
We've got a bear and a raccoon, and we're going to try to get them together.
You know what I mean?
I think that may be impossible, you know, because of the chromosomes, different
chromosomes.
Oh, really, Dr. Doolittle?
Of course we're going to get the raccoon drunk.
Oh, you're going to get it drunk.
That's right.
We're not inhumane.
Now, Chris, what else do you have for us?
I've got something very rare.
Where the hell's Tanya?
Tanya, come on out here.
I want to see what...
Hey!
Woo!
Woo!
Okay.
Thanks very much.
Okay, what do we have here, Tanya?
Nice to see you, Tanya.
Let me get this over here.
Oh, God.
All right, let me just bring this right over here.
You are going to like this.
Chris, what was her name again?
Who?
The young lady who helped you bring out the cage.
Tanya, did you see Beastmaster?
No, no.
She was in that, then she came over and started working for us at the zoo.
Okay.
Why do you ask?
I'm just curious.
Oh, yeah, right.
You're just curious, sure.
I know you are.
Now, this is what I wanted to show you.
Take a look at this.
Isn't that something?
Wow.
Is that getting closer?
Wow, that's...
What is that?
That's a Madagascar jalapeno.
A Madagascar jalapeno.
Jalapeno?
Jalapeno like the pepper?
Jalapeno like the pepper?
Like the pepper?
Dr. Pepper?
No.
What the hell are you talking about?
I said, like the pepper.
I think Tanya may have gone to your head there.
No, no, no.
Listen, do you have any other animals for us?
Yes, I have a whole bunch back there.
I want to bring out something called a schnauzer.
And I have it back there.
Chris, I think we've all seen schnauzers.
Dogs.
We've even seen schnauzers.
Yeah, we've seen schnauzers.
Yeah, well, we've all seen talk shows too, pal.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's always a pleasure.
That's it, I'm done.
It's Chris Elliott.
Chris, thanks for dropping us.
Thank you.
Let's go.
I'm sorry.
This guy just doesn't appreciate animals.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Come on.
Let's go.
We've got to get it out of here.
Okay.
Get it in there.
Okay.
Yes, sir.
We'll be right back with Danny Sullivan.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Coming up in a couple of minutes, Jan Harold Brunvand, a gentleman who writes
interesting
books about urban legends, will be here.
And tomorrow on this program, John Candy and Eugene Levy will be here.
Also, Steve Wynwood and Frank Mundus, one of the guys who helped catch this
huge shark
off the coast of Long Island or whatever it was.
Huh?
Montauk?
I'm sorry.
And...
Is there something going...
It sounds like there's a bottling plant backstage.
No, nothing.
And you and Steve Wynwood, you and the guys are going to do...
Yeah, we're going to do a couple of tunes tomorrow.
What are you going to do tomorrow?
Do his new record, Higher Love.
Yeah.
And do one of his classics.
Which will be...
I don't want to give it away.
Okay.
We're all so excited.
All right.
But it's called Give Me Some Lovin'.
Oh, great.
It's always...
I'm going to have to speak up because of the noise backstage.
It's always an educational treat whenever my next guest joins the proceedings.
He is the founder and director of the Columbus Zoo in Columbus, Ohio.
And as always, he's trucked some pretty amazing animals up here for us to take
a look at.
Please welcome Chris Elliott.
Hi, Steve.
I guess that noise I heard back there, I understand you and the animals just
now arrived.
Yes, we did.
We had one of those drivers that just wanted to go straight through, no stops.
Yeah.
Well, and the animals, I guess, probably went crazy on the bus, didn't they?
Well, the bus would have been fine.
We were in one of those compacts, small cars.
Dave, I've got something special for you.
I brought this from the zoo.
It's something we have down there.
We sell down there at the zoo.
It's monkey shampoo.
Wow.
I don't know where to point this to.
But I wanted you to have some of that.
Oh, great.
Thank you.
Monkey shampoo.
That's great.
And so you probably just pour it on, lather up your monkey, and then rinse it
off?
What do you do with that?
Dave, it's not for monkeys.
Well, then why do you call it monkey shampoo?
It's made out of monkeys.
I have a conditioner coming out, too, as soon as we get another giraffe.
Oh.
So you're really starting your own little business out there in Ohio, and how
do you have time
for that with all of your activities at the zoo, Chris?
Well, to be honest with you, I'm trying to get out of that hellhole.
Things just aren't working out down there.
I want to start my own business.
I'm not that good with animals.
I'm not crazy about them.
And they smell, too.
I stink.
Smell me.
No, go ahead.
Smell me.
No, you can't.
I stink.
It's terrible.
And so what have you brought for us tonight?
Oh, I've got some great animals.
Butch!
Butch!
Where the hell's Butch?
Butch, bring him out here.
Come on.
Let's bring him out here.
Oh, okay.
Let's put him down.
Hey, hey, hold it, hold it.
Come on, watch it, watch it.
Jeez, you almost hit me.
Oh, damn it.
Okay, boy.
All right.
That's, uh...
That's...
You almost hit me there, Butch.
Yeah, yeah.
That's Butch.
He works down at the zoo.
How are you doing?
Nice to see you.
Butch is a little slow, but the animals love him.
They think he's one of them.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah.
What do you feed Butch?
Butch eats mostly straw and loaves of bread, that sort of thing.
He has a real slow metabolism.
I see.
Right.
Butch, where the hell's a leopard?
Oh, a leopard.
This ought to be good.
A leopard.
Wow.
Now, you've got to be real careful with this thing.
Sure, I love to see a leopard.
This is a leopard, and you've got to be very careful, because this thing will
take your
head off.
Here, use this.
If it comes close to you, just whack it.
Okay, I'll just...
All right.
Take a look at this.
Ooh, look at that, right there.
Can you get in close on that?
Oh, my God.
It looks like somebody has skinned your leopard there.
Yeah, they're shedding their skin.
They do that every now and then.
That's a Rastafarian...
It's a Rastafarian snow leopard.
Yeah.
And take a...
Hey, watch it.
Watch it.
That thing, it could break out of there any time.
Now, you know...
It's...
You know, that looks just pretty much like a rabbit with, I don't know,
swimming trunks.
Just a regular common rabbit.
You know, we could use your expertise down there at the zoo, Dave.
You'd really come in handy.
Uh-huh.
Shuffling the crap.
Yeah.
Now, Chris, as always, I understand you've brought some film clips from the
strange, the
unusual...
Yes, the wild and the wacky in the world of animals.
Oh, great.
With the help of my ace producer, Dave Katz, and my assistant, Butch, we've put
together
a pretty nice bunch, so let's just roll them and take a look at them.
Great, so we'll watch the monitors here for some of the...
Oh, there we go.
We start out with the world of dolphins, and take a look at these dolphins.
Aren't they beautiful?
Flipper never had it so good.
Here they come.
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
One more time, and...
Oh, yes!
From there we go to the world of the jungle.
I think we've got something special for you.
Elephants!
Yes, and they're pushing a log.
Wow, elephants.
From there we go to the world of the sea.
Uh-huh.
Look what we have.
Penguins!
Look at all those penguins.
They look like they're wearing tuxedos.
Yes!
From the world of the sea, we go back to the world of the sea.
And fish!
Yes, our own little stupid pet tricks, jumping through the hoops.
That's amazing.
And finally, we end on the world of the feline.
If you take a look at this cat, look at this cat bat the ball!
Look at that.
What a pussy!
Take a look at that.
That is beautiful.
It's amazing. Thank you, Chris.
Fortunately, Columbus Zoo, Chris Elliott. Nice to have you here.