Name: The Chris Elliott, Jr. Show Collection on Letterman, 1988
Uploaded: 2018-06-20T23:25:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Chris Elliott, Jr. Show Collection on Letterman, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Chris Elliott, Jr. Show Collection on Letterman, 1988' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-20. Transcript available.

*Piano music*
Good evening gang, I tell you what, we've got a special treat for you tonight,
not only are we going to take a hard look at the whole subject of private clubs,
and if they discriminate against bro, I mean women, but we have a show business
legend with us tonight, Mr. Henny Youngman.
Let me tell you, Henny and some friends will try to drum some sense into all
those feminist and ACLU types who seem to think hanging out with a bunch of
guys smoking smelly cigars is an issue worth taking to the Supreme Court.
Well they did, and they won. Henny, you gotta help me out tonight. Let's go
gang!
Let's go gang!
*Piano music*
You gotta tell ya, you gotta tell ya, this is, this is Cecile Weich, uh, return
week. Cecile, how are ya?
I'm fine, how are you, Morty?
Cecile, of course, is one of the leading feminist attorneys in the United
States of America.
No, no, no, no, no. She also happens to be a very nice lady, very nice lady,
who probably wants to be a man, but that's...
*Piano music*
Coming soon to late night, a controversial new running character.
Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!
Chris!
The Chris Elliott Jr. Show!
He's a bracing, yet charismatic, The Washington Post.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I have had these pablon pukers up to here! Get 'em
out of the USA! Get 'em back to Russia! The Ruskies where they belong!
Nobody tackles today's issues quite like Chris Elliott Jr., says the Chicago
Sun-Times.
Okay, Schaefer, so you call that music, huh, baby? Well, let me tell you
something, pal. I call it puke!
He's a guy who stands up for what he believes in, says syndicated columnist Kay
Gardella.
That was the stupidest trick I've ever seen, baby! Take your dog and get back
to Russia! Get the hell back to Russia! Get out!
Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
Oh, well, sure, I'm taking a lot of chances with this new running character,
but let me tell you something.
I'm not gonna take any bunk from anybody, and I'll tell you something else.
I'm not gonna be afraid to bite the hand that feeds me. Right, baby? Hey, Mommy,
watch it.
Am I bugging you? Well, why don't you fire me? Go ahead and fire me!
Okay, Chris, you're fired.
Well, no, that's not what I meant.
But that's the kind of thing I'm talking about right here under our noses in
America.
The Chris Elliott Jr. Show.
What's on your mind, huh?
You're so tough, why don't you take a swing at me?
Okay, baby, pucker up!
Coming soon to late night.
I don't got time for that. I don't got time for that. Hey!
All right. All right. Thanks for joining us, folks.
Welcome to the show. Look at this. Listen to this right here. One tenth of our
nation's
engineers, our carpenters, our construction laborers. These are the sweetie
boys you see
up on the scaffoldings building our skyscrapers. Our women. They're up there
polishing their
nails, combing their hair. They're trying on their clothes. And I got to tell
you something,
buddy. I don't want to be on the 25th floor when it comes crashing down because
mommy wasn't
pounding in the two by four. She was pattering her nose. Women on construction
next on the
Elliott Jr. show.
All right. We've got quite a topic for you tonight, folks. This one's hot.
Joining me at home base is the Vice President of the Northeast Regional Chapter
of the Coalition
Coalition for Equal Opportunities for Women. This is a nonprofit. Oh, I love
that. A nonprofit
organization, folks. We know how nonprofit that is. Right out of my pocket,
nonprofit organization
right here in Secaucus, New Jersey. Say hello to David Letterman, folks. All
right. Give him a chance.
Give him a chance. Give him a chance. Give him a chance. All right. Let's hear
it, David Letterman. What's your side?
Women in construction. Let's hear it. Well, first of all, Chris, I have never
heard of this organization
before. Secondly, we're not in Secaucus. And thirdly, have you had a dermatologist
look
at those things on your face? Wait a second, buddy. They want to have a biopsy.
Are you
saying I don't know how to make love to my wife? No, that's not what I'm saying.
And it seems like
you may be a little defensive on this. All right. I'll be defensive just for
the sake of argument.
Here's my defense. Why don't we take all the Alan Alders and the Phil Donahues
and every other pretty
boy who wants to dress up in mommy's clothes and send them back to Russia, back
where they belong,
back to the Roosties. I think we may be getting off the track here just a
little bit, Chris. All
right. Your opinion is worth just about as much as I paid for it, fella.
Nothing. Okay. Let's go over
here to our loud mouth and see what the youth of America have to say. Go ahead,
pal. Women in
construction. Yeah. Chris, I was wondering if you could ask Dave when he's
going to do supermarket
finds again. I always get a big kick out of that. He wants to know when you're
going to do supermarket
finds. Oh, yes. Thank you very much. It is kind of a popular segment on the
show and we probably in
about two weeks. Thank you. It should be in the newsletter. Check that. All
right. Thank you.
All right. Well, that's a good point. I'm happy to hear an opposing point every
now and then. Go ahead,
pal. What do you have to say? I was just wondering, Chris, that Marlon Brando
character you did
pretty much, you ran that right into the ground. Do you plan on doing that with
this new character?
You stinking college bump. Get your puking butt out of here. Get him out. Get
your puking butt out.
We'll be right back. No, I'm sorry, Chris. We're out of time. We're not coming
back. This is it.
All right. Then let me summarize right now. Women in construction. What should
we do with them?
I've got an idea. Let's put them on a barge. Give them all the nail polish,
all the hair brushes and all the girly feminist magazines they can read.
Send them out into the ocean and let them build the tallest damn skyscraper
they can.
At least us men won't have to stand underneath them. Good night!
Okay. We'll be right back, folks, with Tina Brocious.
A little beauty fan.
All right, buddy. There we go. Hey! Hey! There we go. All right. There we go.
Okay.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming. Thanks for joining us. You
know, years ago, you used to go to your convenience store, get yourself a loaf
of bread, maybe a quart of milk for Mommy, pick up a pack of Lucky's for the
old man. If you had something left over, you'd get yourself a Slim Jim for the
walk home. Nowadays, it ain't so, though. You go in there, you say, hey, give
me some melted cheese from my nachos, pop one of those prefab Sloppy Joes into
the microwave, and give me five bucks for Super Unleaded on pup number four. It
ain't the old days anymore, folks. Convenience stores. Are they still
convenient, or are they not?
Nothing more than high-tech whorehouses, next on the Chris Elliott Jr. Show.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, we got a hot one here tonight.
Joining me at home base over here is the senior vice president of the Southland
Corporation. These are the sweetie pies that own 7-Eleven. Say hello to David
Letterman over here, folks. Thank you very much.
I got to tell you, it doesn't sound like you're going to win any popularity
contest here tonight, pal. All right, let's hear your side of it.
You know, Chris, looking at you is kind of like looking at a map of the
constellations.
Okay, pal, whatever you want to say, go ahead.
I think if you're going to do this running character week after week, you
should get some real guests in here, instead of pretending I'm somebody else.
Well, let me tell you something, pal. The only thing I got to do is die and pay
taxes and give the wife one of these, ba-boom, every now and then.
Well, I'm sure she looks forward to that.
All right, well, here's the question. How come there aren't any women working
at 7-Elevens, huh?
Well, you know, Chris, I don't work at 7-Elevens, but I'm guessing there are
plenty of women who work at 7-Elevens.
Well, you know, maybe it's one of those funny stores, huh?
No, well, I don't know.
Huh? You checking me out?
No, I'm not checking you out.
Huh?
Yeah?
You like what you see?
No, I don't like what I see.
Huh?
You break it. You bought it, honey. All purchases final.
Chris, is there a gas leak in your neighborhood or something?
All right, well, we got a lot of callers out there. Let's go to the phones.
Let's go to the phones. You're on the Chris Elliott Jr. show. Hello?
Yeah, is this Chris Elliott Jr.?
Yes, it is, pal.
Uh, yeah, I'm one of the pages here at NBC, and we're watching the show down
here in the page lounge.
Uh-huh.
Uh, can I say something?
Sure, go ahead, pal.
You suck! I hate you! Put Dave on!
Okay, cut him off, cut him off.
Boy, the wackos are out tonight, huh, folks?
All right, let's get another call. You're on the air. Hello.
Hello.
Hello?
Yeah, Chris, this is Hal.
Yeah, Hal, where are you calling from?
From the control room.
Control room? What is that, a restaurant here in town?
No, that's where we control things, the control room.
What can I do for you, Hal?
Yeah, you're out of time, buddy.
All right, good point. Well, let me sum up.
Convenience stores. Here's my plan.
One store per state.
Government regulation for every store.
No microwaves, no Pac-Mans, no big golf slurping nacho machines.
Just milk, butter, and eggs.
And let the pavlin-puking Lettermans go to the supermarkets,
just like the rest of us.
Good night!
Mwah!
How's that?
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
There we go!
All right!
Come on!
There we go!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks for joining us tonight.
We've got a good one for you tonight.
You know what it used to be?
I'll give you a local Tasty Freeze for an ice cream cone.
No Man Wilson.
He'll give you three choices.
You can have vanilla, chocolate, or get the hell out of here, you little
bastard.
I've got work to do.
I'm not complaining.
That's the way it should be.
That was the good old days.
Nowadays, you go into a ten-story Baskin-Robbins.
They've got so many flavors in there.
By the time you leave, you don't know whether you're a man or a woman.
They've got your Tootsie Fruitsie, your bubblegum sundaes, your peanut butter
coffee parfaits.
I've got to tell you, where the hell are all these flavors coming from?
Maybe we should get out our sickles and hammers and find out.
Ice cream!
There's too many damn flavors!
We'll talk about it next on the Chris Hilly Jr. Show.
All right, folks.
Thanks a lot.
Joining me at home base.
This is a hot one tonight.
Ice cream cone flavors.
Joining me at home base tonight.
Oh, you're going to love this guy.
Right over here, we've got the vice president of the East Coast Chapter for
People for Pornography.
Right over here.
He's also the publisher of Screw Magazine.
Say hello to David Latimer.
I've got to tell you, it doesn't sound like a fan club showed up, pal.
You know, Chris, I've got to tell you, I'm not affiliated with any of those
organizations that you mentioned.
And even if I was, what would that have to do with ice cream?
Don't try to sidestep me.
Let me tell you what you are, pal.
You're a pimp.
P-I-N-P.
Pimp.
One big P, a big I, a big M, and throw in another P for good measure.
Well, I'm pretty sure there's only two Ps in that word.
And by the way, you know, they're doing some wonderful things now with laser
surgery.
It's like on an outpatient deal.
You go in in the morning.
Whatever you want to say.
It's your filthy world.
I just have to live in it.
But I'll tell you something.
If Walt Disney, God bless his innocent soul, could see the crap that's going on
today,
he'd be puking in his grave!
Well, I'm sure Walt Disney and his family certainly appreciate that sentiment.
Your lips aren't clean enough to mention the man's name.
Stick to your filthy friends!
Okay, fine.
Leave my God-fearing Americans alone.
Okay.
What the hell?
What is that, Chris?
What do you got there?
What is that?
I got to tell you, I think this one's bubble gum.
I don't know.
Who's going to put that there?
I don't know how the hell that got there.
All right, let's go to our loud mouth and see what the youth of America have to
say.
Go ahead, pal.
Yeah, Chris.
I work at a Baskin-Robbins here in Secaucus.
And I could probably lose my job for saying this.
Go ahead, pal.
But I just want to say that I agree with you.
There are too many flavors.
And I can't even memorize them.
Right.
And I just think we should do something about it, like call the president.
All right.
The youth of America, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it, pal.
Very good.
Very well said.
Very well said, pal.
We applaud your courage.
You got anything you want to say to that?
Can you respond to that without using the F word?
Well, I was just wondering, maybe at home, perhaps your microwave oven is
leaking.
I don't know.
Is that...
All right, I got to tell you.
I've had it with this guest.
You're out of here, pal.
out of here pal because Chris actually we have to bring Isaiah Thomas out so
why don't you just
finish up here okay fine I've kicked off my own show there's a twist so ice
cream flavors we got
too many of them let's sum up here's my plan let's take Mr. Haagen-Dazs Mr. Fruisinglaja
and that
wolf and sheep's clothing Tom Garville put them on a big bus and send them
somewhere where their
ice cream won't melt Siberia and let's make sure there's plenty of room for Mr.
Filth back here
on that bus too good night
always a pleasure
you know folks it used to be back when fall rolled around you need a new set of
clothes you'd pop down
to your local JC pennies pick up maybe a snappy button-down Oxford shirt maybe
a nice pair of
chinos let the tailor put the cuffs in later and if you're like me five pairs
of red knee-high gold
toe socks 50-50 blend they breathe better that way I'm not complaining that's
the way it should be
those were the good old days nowadays you go into your 10-story fruit salad
designer boutique and Jacques
swishes over and says let me pour you in a pair of sky blue leather joppers
they've got the strapless
sequin gowns the lace midriff tops with the hot pants and the platform shoes
and let me tell you
something folks we're still in the men's department fashion in the 80s where
the hell is it going
let me tell you right to hell we'll talk about it next on the Chris Elliott jr.
show come on back
all right folks we got a hot one here for you tonight coming to you live by the
way in harlem
from the uh apollo theater which is uh located on 125th street and uh uh adam
clayton powell boulevard
right here and this is in the heart of harlem joining me at home base right
over here oh you're
gonna love this this is the person uh time magazine calls the fashion plate of
the 80s
this is their opinion not mine say hello to madonna
you know you know Chris i'm i'm not madonna this is this is not the apollo
theater and and you
wouldn't last a nanosecond in harlem
all right lady just one question you're so damn pretty why do you have to cover
it up with the
makeup and the hair and the peasant dresses i mean papa don't want to preach
but i got to tell you
don't turn me on yeah well thank god for small favors all right whatever you
want to say look
you're a legend in your own mind as far as i'm concerned
chris have you ever thought about maybe just just soaking your face in like a
dish of compound w or
something
all right let's go to our audience let's see what they got to say you know i
always say
our audience knows what's going on let's go to them what's up lady i'm sorry i
just wanted to know
where the ladies room is you know i have had it up to here with the women's
movement and the women
liberts hey zip it zip it down the hall and to your right gloria steinam yeah
all right let's go to
the phones we got a call who's on the air hello hello yeah hi chris yeah you're
on the air pal yeah
i'm watching your show on fashion and i really like what you're saying you know
what always bothers me
is when oh i'm sorry that's my call waiting just hold on for a second
chris chris can you hold on for just a minute it's my brother all right pal go
ahead
um how was your labor day nice had a nice labor day thank you sorry
did you have a nice holiday i'm sorry holiday yeah you labor day yeah yeah i
had a great labor
day thank you very much dave hypothetically how long could i wait for him to
come back 15 20 minutes
maybe actually let's just move on now okay hi chris yeah pal we're here we're
you're coming in loud and
clear listen i'm really sorry i'm gonna have to call you back all right fine
look everybody's got a
right to their own opinion right yeah yeah uh chris you know when i said we
were out of uh move on i
meant move out we're out of time let's just wrap it up here all right well i'll
buy that that's a good
point well here let me sum up fashion in the 80s you know we've heard from both
sides tonight
well here's what i think let's take the minis and the itsy bitsies and the
pastel colored halter
tops and the stirrup pants put them in big green garbage bags load them into f-14
supply planes
and drop them over general noriega's headquarters and let the pablin puking
material girls wear
bikini undershorts in red square good night
so thank you for the time to see you guys thank you guys thank you guys thank
you guys thank you guys

The Chris Elliott, Jr. Show Collection on Letterman, 1988

*Piano music*
Good evening gang, I tell you what, we've got a special treat for you tonight,
not only are we going to take a hard look at the whole subject of private clubs,
and if they discriminate against bro, I mean women, but we have a show business
legend with us tonight, Mr. Henny Youngman.
Let me tell you, Henny and some friends will try to drum some sense into all
those feminist and ACLU types who seem to think hanging out with a bunch of
guys smoking smelly cigars is an issue worth taking to the Supreme Court.
Well they did, and they won. Henny, you gotta help me out tonight. Let's go
gang!
Let's go gang!
*Piano music*
You gotta tell ya, you gotta tell ya, this is, this is Cecile Weich, uh, return
week. Cecile, how are ya?
I'm fine, how are you, Morty?
Cecile, of course, is one of the leading feminist attorneys in the United
States of America.
No, no, no, no, no. She also happens to be a very nice lady, very nice lady,
who probably wants to be a man, but that's...
*Piano music*
Coming soon to late night, a controversial new running character.
Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris!
Chris!
The Chris Elliott Jr. Show!
He's a bracing, yet charismatic, The Washington Post.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I have had these pablon pukers up to here! Get 'em
out of the USA! Get 'em back to Russia! The Ruskies where they belong!
Nobody tackles today's issues quite like Chris Elliott Jr., says the Chicago
Sun-Times.
Okay, Schaefer, so you call that music, huh, baby? Well, let me tell you
something, pal. I call it puke!
He's a guy who stands up for what he believes in, says syndicated columnist Kay
Gardella.
That was the stupidest trick I've ever seen, baby! Take your dog and get back
to Russia! Get the hell back to Russia! Get out!
Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
Oh, well, sure, I'm taking a lot of chances with this new running character,
but let me tell you something.
I'm not gonna take any bunk from anybody, and I'll tell you something else.
I'm not gonna be afraid to bite the hand that feeds me. Right, baby? Hey, Mommy,
watch it.
Am I bugging you? Well, why don't you fire me? Go ahead and fire me!
Okay, Chris, you're fired.
Well, no, that's not what I meant.
But that's the kind of thing I'm talking about right here under our noses in
America.
The Chris Elliott Jr. Show.
What's on your mind, huh?
You're so tough, why don't you take a swing at me?
Okay, baby, pucker up!
Coming soon to late night.
I don't got time for that. I don't got time for that. Hey!
All right. All right. Thanks for joining us, folks.
Welcome to the show. Look at this. Listen to this right here. One tenth of our
nation's
engineers, our carpenters, our construction laborers. These are the sweetie
boys you see
up on the scaffoldings building our skyscrapers. Our women. They're up there
polishing their
nails, combing their hair. They're trying on their clothes. And I got to tell
you something,
buddy. I don't want to be on the 25th floor when it comes crashing down because
mommy wasn't
pounding in the two by four. She was pattering her nose. Women on construction
next on the
Elliott Jr. show.
All right. We've got quite a topic for you tonight, folks. This one's hot.
Joining me at home base is the Vice President of the Northeast Regional Chapter
of the Coalition
Coalition for Equal Opportunities for Women. This is a nonprofit. Oh, I love
that. A nonprofit
organization, folks. We know how nonprofit that is. Right out of my pocket,
nonprofit organization
right here in Secaucus, New Jersey. Say hello to David Letterman, folks. All
right. Give him a chance.
Give him a chance. Give him a chance. Give him a chance. All right. Let's hear
it, David Letterman. What's your side?
Women in construction. Let's hear it. Well, first of all, Chris, I have never
heard of this organization
before. Secondly, we're not in Secaucus. And thirdly, have you had a dermatologist
look
at those things on your face? Wait a second, buddy. They want to have a biopsy.
Are you
saying I don't know how to make love to my wife? No, that's not what I'm saying.
And it seems like
you may be a little defensive on this. All right. I'll be defensive just for
the sake of argument.
Here's my defense. Why don't we take all the Alan Alders and the Phil Donahues
and every other pretty
boy who wants to dress up in mommy's clothes and send them back to Russia, back
where they belong,
back to the Roosties. I think we may be getting off the track here just a
little bit, Chris. All
right. Your opinion is worth just about as much as I paid for it, fella.
Nothing. Okay. Let's go over
here to our loud mouth and see what the youth of America have to say. Go ahead,
pal. Women in
construction. Yeah. Chris, I was wondering if you could ask Dave when he's
going to do supermarket
finds again. I always get a big kick out of that. He wants to know when you're
going to do supermarket
finds. Oh, yes. Thank you very much. It is kind of a popular segment on the
show and we probably in
about two weeks. Thank you. It should be in the newsletter. Check that. All
right. Thank you.
All right. Well, that's a good point. I'm happy to hear an opposing point every
now and then. Go ahead,
pal. What do you have to say? I was just wondering, Chris, that Marlon Brando
character you did
pretty much, you ran that right into the ground. Do you plan on doing that with
this new character?
You stinking college bump. Get your puking butt out of here. Get him out. Get
your puking butt out.
We'll be right back. No, I'm sorry, Chris. We're out of time. We're not coming
back. This is it.
All right. Then let me summarize right now. Women in construction. What should
we do with them?
I've got an idea. Let's put them on a barge. Give them all the nail polish,
all the hair brushes and all the girly feminist magazines they can read.
Send them out into the ocean and let them build the tallest damn skyscraper
they can.
At least us men won't have to stand underneath them. Good night!
Okay. We'll be right back, folks, with Tina Brocious.
A little beauty fan.
All right, buddy. There we go. Hey! Hey! There we go. All right. There we go.
Okay.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming. Thanks for joining us. You
know, years ago, you used to go to your convenience store, get yourself a loaf
of bread, maybe a quart of milk for Mommy, pick up a pack of Lucky's for the
old man. If you had something left over, you'd get yourself a Slim Jim for the
walk home. Nowadays, it ain't so, though. You go in there, you say, hey, give
me some melted cheese from my nachos, pop one of those prefab Sloppy Joes into
the microwave, and give me five bucks for Super Unleaded on pup number four. It
ain't the old days anymore, folks. Convenience stores. Are they still
convenient, or are they not?
Nothing more than high-tech whorehouses, next on the Chris Elliott Jr. Show.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, we got a hot one here tonight.
Joining me at home base over here is the senior vice president of the Southland
Corporation. These are the sweetie pies that own 7-Eleven. Say hello to David
Letterman over here, folks. Thank you very much.
I got to tell you, it doesn't sound like you're going to win any popularity
contest here tonight, pal. All right, let's hear your side of it.
You know, Chris, looking at you is kind of like looking at a map of the
constellations.
Okay, pal, whatever you want to say, go ahead.
I think if you're going to do this running character week after week, you
should get some real guests in here, instead of pretending I'm somebody else.
Well, let me tell you something, pal. The only thing I got to do is die and pay
taxes and give the wife one of these, ba-boom, every now and then.
Well, I'm sure she looks forward to that.
All right, well, here's the question. How come there aren't any women working
at 7-Elevens, huh?
Well, you know, Chris, I don't work at 7-Elevens, but I'm guessing there are
plenty of women who work at 7-Elevens.
Well, you know, maybe it's one of those funny stores, huh?
No, well, I don't know.
Huh? You checking me out?
No, I'm not checking you out.
Huh?
Yeah?
You like what you see?
No, I don't like what I see.
Huh?
You break it. You bought it, honey. All purchases final.
Chris, is there a gas leak in your neighborhood or something?
All right, well, we got a lot of callers out there. Let's go to the phones.
Let's go to the phones. You're on the Chris Elliott Jr. show. Hello?
Yeah, is this Chris Elliott Jr.?
Yes, it is, pal.
Uh, yeah, I'm one of the pages here at NBC, and we're watching the show down
here in the page lounge.
Uh-huh.
Uh, can I say something?
Sure, go ahead, pal.
You suck! I hate you! Put Dave on!
Okay, cut him off, cut him off.
Boy, the wackos are out tonight, huh, folks?
All right, let's get another call. You're on the air. Hello.
Hello.
Hello?
Yeah, Chris, this is Hal.
Yeah, Hal, where are you calling from?
From the control room.
Control room? What is that, a restaurant here in town?
No, that's where we control things, the control room.
What can I do for you, Hal?
Yeah, you're out of time, buddy.
All right, good point. Well, let me sum up.
Convenience stores. Here's my plan.
One store per state.
Government regulation for every store.
No microwaves, no Pac-Mans, no big golf slurping nacho machines.
Just milk, butter, and eggs.
And let the pavlin-puking Lettermans go to the supermarkets,
just like the rest of us.
Good night!
Mwah!
How's that?
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
There we go!
All right!
Come on!
There we go!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks for joining us tonight.
We've got a good one for you tonight.
You know what it used to be?
I'll give you a local Tasty Freeze for an ice cream cone.
No Man Wilson.
He'll give you three choices.
You can have vanilla, chocolate, or get the hell out of here, you little
bastard.
I've got work to do.
I'm not complaining.
That's the way it should be.
That was the good old days.
Nowadays, you go into a ten-story Baskin-Robbins.
They've got so many flavors in there.
By the time you leave, you don't know whether you're a man or a woman.
They've got your Tootsie Fruitsie, your bubblegum sundaes, your peanut butter
coffee parfaits.
I've got to tell you, where the hell are all these flavors coming from?
Maybe we should get out our sickles and hammers and find out.
Ice cream!
There's too many damn flavors!
We'll talk about it next on the Chris Hilly Jr. Show.
All right, folks.
Thanks a lot.
Joining me at home base.
This is a hot one tonight.
Ice cream cone flavors.
Joining me at home base tonight.
Oh, you're going to love this guy.
Right over here, we've got the vice president of the East Coast Chapter for
People for Pornography.
Right over here.
He's also the publisher of Screw Magazine.
Say hello to David Latimer.
I've got to tell you, it doesn't sound like a fan club showed up, pal.
You know, Chris, I've got to tell you, I'm not affiliated with any of those
organizations that you mentioned.
And even if I was, what would that have to do with ice cream?
Don't try to sidestep me.
Let me tell you what you are, pal.
You're a pimp.
P-I-N-P.
Pimp.
One big P, a big I, a big M, and throw in another P for good measure.
Well, I'm pretty sure there's only two Ps in that word.
And by the way, you know, they're doing some wonderful things now with laser
surgery.
It's like on an outpatient deal.
You go in in the morning.
Whatever you want to say.
It's your filthy world.
I just have to live in it.
But I'll tell you something.
If Walt Disney, God bless his innocent soul, could see the crap that's going on
today,
he'd be puking in his grave!
Well, I'm sure Walt Disney and his family certainly appreciate that sentiment.
Your lips aren't clean enough to mention the man's name.
Stick to your filthy friends!
Okay, fine.
Leave my God-fearing Americans alone.
Okay.
What the hell?
What is that, Chris?
What do you got there?
What is that?
I got to tell you, I think this one's bubble gum.
I don't know.