Name: Fish Cleaning Night on Letterman, April 29, 1983 (full)
Uploaded: 2018-06-25T22:51:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fish Cleaning Night on Letterman, April 29, 1983 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fish Cleaning Night on Letterman, April 29, 1983 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-25. Transcript available.

Fish Cleaning Night on Letterman, April 29, 1983 (full)

From New York, where I predict David Letterman will be wearing a tie, it's late
night with
David Letterman.
Tonight, actress Jane Curtin, comedian from SCTV, Martin Short, sportscaster
Marv Albin,
and dances from the Rocksteady Crew, also another visit to the Museum of the
Hard-to-Believe,
Stupid Petrax, and it's Fish Cleaning Day, and now a man who is wearing a tie,
like I told
you, I knew he would, I'm never wrong about these things, it's David Letterman!
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
That's very nice of you.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to the show.
My name is David Letterman.
We're not normally on on Friday nights.
Tonight we are on.
Let me just say a couple of things about myself.
I'm not proud of this.
People say to me, "Dave, what kind of a guy are you?"
For those of you who normally don't see us, because we're not on on Fridays,
let me just
explain by saying, "I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."
Tonight is a special.
Now, let me define the word special.
You ever go to have lunch at the Kmart luncheon counter, and a grilled cheese
sandwich will
be the special?
That's the kind of special we have for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Nice weather outside, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We, at last, we got a decent -- the problem with springtime in New York City,
when you
switch to the lighter clothing, it makes it tough to conceal weapons.
That's the only -- you folks, can you feel the electricity here tonight?
Yeah.
We got a good show.
Let me just show you what kind of show.
Let me have that, Kevin.
Normally, how many -- how many do we have on here, usually?
Three, four at the tops?
Take a look at this show, ladies.
Woo!
That's a show.
I'll just do this officially now for you.
Actress Jane Curtin is here tonight.
A very funny gentleman.
I understand he's a friend of yours.
Is this correct, Paul?
Indeed he is.
Mr. Martin Short from MTV is here.
And NBC sportscaster, Marv Albert is here tonight.
And these guys are unbelievable.
The dancers from the Rocksteady crew are going to perform for you on our floor
tonight.
Also, stupid pet tricks tonight.
But the real reason you're here.
And the real reason there's an unbelievable traffic tie-up downstairs in midtown
Manhattan tonight.
At home, you know about it from reading and TV guide for weeks and weeks and
weeks.
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
And it's really a source of pride for me to be able to be a part of this.
Tonight, on our program, audience fish cleaning night.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Ah, boy.
You're not going to believe it, ladies and gentlemen.
This is why television was invented.
Vladimir's work and developed the iconoscope tube for this very reason.
Please, now, say hello to Mr. Paul Schaefer, if you will.
David, if you know me, you know something about me.
You know that if I have a point, I make it.
I make no bones about what I think.
I say what I think.
When I think it, I say it.
You know that about me.
Yeah, I do.
We all know that about you, Paul.
Okay.
Just, I don't have anything to say.
Just to make sure.
Oh, okay.
If I did, you would know that I would make it.
Thank you very much.
Steve is touring in Japan, isn't he?
He's a great guy.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
I'm going to be a part of this.
We all know that about you, Paul.
Okay.
I don't have anything to say.
Oh, okay.
If I did, you would know that I would make it.
Thank you very much.
Steve is touring in Japan, isn't he?
He's gone back to Japan for something.
All right.
So reintroduce our old friend, Charlie.
I'm thrilled to have him back.
Mr. Charlie Drayton will be with us for the next couple of weeks on drums.
All right.
Charlie, welcome back to the show.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, man has always been fascinated by the unusual
and the bizarre.
Who can explain his mysterious attraction to the outlandish and the peculiar?
He is strangely drawn to the unnatural and the weird.
What is it about the fantastic and the unfamiliar that arouses his curiosity?
The miraculous and the grotesque just seem to appeal to him, whatever the
reason.
Tonight, we present another visit to that famous storehouse of the astonishing,
yes,
the museum of the hard to believe.
Walk this way, won't you?
This is not the museum.
No, no, the museum.
Thank you very much, Will.
Well, here we are in the museum of the hard to believe.
This is an interesting exhibit.
The maku anu bird of western Tanzania is also known as the camera bird.
Now, there's a good reason for this odd name, for the nest that it builds is
shaped remarkably like a photo mat.
Remarkably like a photo mat.
This is the nest right there.
This exhibit, the remarkable Mr. Lamar, Rommel J. Lamar of Cornwall, England,
had a name spelled the same backwards and forwards.
Hard to believe, isn't it?
Now, this is the, wait a minute, where are we now?
The wonder man at the wheel.
That would be, oh, this guy right here.
There's quite a story connected with this display.
This is Bill McTesler.
This man had to carry a load.
So, he went to a nearby agency and rented a truck.
Incredibly, owning neither a TV or a radio has never heard the car and truck
rental song.
Hard to believe, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
Now, here we have the paperweight that tricked destiny.
This little beauty right here.
By a bizarre twist of fate, a paperweight in Eugene, Oregon was mistaken for an
ashtray
and used for that purpose for over 12 years.
Uh, okay.
I guess we're over here now.
Now, here's an even more astounding individual.
This is Sarah Blustein.
She actually laughed at the joke about the guy who rented the truck.
Hard to believe, isn't it?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
Now, here is an example of precision craftsmanship that's one of a kind.
It's the entire Old Testament inscribed on an ordinary ice cube.
Just take a...
Oh, no.
Oh, it's...
Sal!
Sal!
Yeah, what's the problem?
Who turned off the refrigeration unit to the Old Testament inscribed on the ice
cube?
Dave, I needed the outlet for something else.
I mean, I think it would hurt.
Uh-huh.
Oh, see.
You didn't think it would hurt.
Fine.
Now, how are we going to replace this priceless exhibit?
Look, I got a Bible at home.
You want me to bring it in?
No, no, no.
Just take the display off.
Mop up the exhibit.
Awfully sorry you had to see this, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, here we are.
Mike Calmosti, a 16-year-old boy who is not embarrassed to be seen with his
parents.
He actually asks them to school dances and doesn't mind if they drive him on
dates.
Hard to believe, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
Uh-huh.
Now, here's an exhibit that is designed to educate as well as startle.
This is the longest word in the English language.
It first appeared in action comics when a troop of jungle warriors were pitched
over a cliff
into a nest of giant bull scorpion below.
Here, then, the longest word in history.
It's the longest word in history.
Oh, now, you laughed at that one, too.
That's even more hard to believe.
And finally, in one of nature's most remarkable examples of protective
camouflage,
the Midwestern lawn rattler has evolved a brightly colored tailbone
that makes it inconspicuous in close-cropped grass,
earning it the nickname of the sprinkler snake.
A little music, maybe, Paul, would have helped us.
Nicknaming it the sprinkler snake.
Truly hard to believe.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to go away for a minute.
We'll be right back.
Remember, wake the young and phone the neighbors.
It's fish cleaning night.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
We're going to go away for a minute.
That's right.
Now, a lot of you are probably asking yourselves about this time.
What is Audience Fish Cleaning Night?
Ladies and gentlemen, it's an annual event held here at NBC.
And it's just our way of saying thanks for 365 days of loyal viewership for the
network.
How does this work?
Well, people in our audience tonight have received these special BYOF
invitation tickets.
The tickets were mailed out a couple of weeks ago, and there are certain rules
on the back.
Let's quickly read the rules on the back.
No more than 12 fish per audience member will be cleaned here tonight.
All fish must be freshly caught and free of genetic abnormalities.
So-called trash fish such as carp, chub, and gar will not be accepted.
No betting is permitted at any time.
We had a lot of trouble with this last year.
And finally, all fish and trolls become the property of the National Broadcasting
Company and will not be returned.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me remind you once again, we are only cleaning fish
here tonight.
There will be time for no boning or filleting, all right?
Also, when these special invitation tickets went out, there was enclosed a memo
which indicated we will not be able to clean catfish or sturgeon.
These are very difficult fish to clean.
I have been informed by the ushers that some of you tonight in our audience did
bring some catfish and sturgeon.
I'm going to have to ask you at this time to give them to the ushers as they go
through the audience with the pails and just relinquish the fish.
If we can -- there they are, just pass over -- okay.
I'm sorry, we sent out the memos nearly three weeks ago.
Once again, this is all fish that has been brought by our studio audience that
we'll be cleaning tonight.
All right, if they've collected the unacceptable fish, we'll give them back to
you at the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen.
The magic moment is just about here.
Get a good grip on your fish, ladies and gentlemen, because now it's time to
begin audience fish cleaning night.
Okay, if you're ready to come down here one at a time and have your fish
cleaned, let's meet the woman who will be conducting the ceremony for us.
Do you have everything you need here?
Yes.
Okay, do you want to work this end or that end?
Right in the middle.
Right in the middle.
Okay, so I'll just go over here.
And your name is?
Mariel Hemingway.
Mariel Hemingway.
And what do you --
And what do