Name: Bob Goldthwait Collection on Letterman, 1983-87
Uploaded: 2018-07-04T01:09:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bob Goldthwait Collection on Letterman, 1983-87' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bob Goldthwait Collection on Letterman, 1983-87' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-04. Transcript available.

My next guest is one of the strangest comedians that we have seen in a long
while.
He works regularly at the Comedy Connection in Boston, Massachusetts.
Also at the Comic Strip right here in New York City.
Making his network television debut this evening, please welcome Mr. Bob Goldthwait.
Thank you very much, thank you very much, it feels real good.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, it feels real good.
Thank you very much, it feels real good to be here tonight.
Thank you very much, I swear, I swear, hey, hey, Ronald, Ronald, Ronald, Ronald
Reagan is so old.
Ronald, this is a joke.
Ronald Reagan is so old when he's, he's so old, he's got, he's got jelly beans
in his face.
I don't get it.
No, thank you very much, thank you very much.
My mama had a baby on its head popped off.
No, hey, hey, but seriously, I'm only 19 years old and I would like to meet
Jacqueline Bessette.
Hey, I'm not standing here right.
It feels real good, it feels real good to be here tonight.
What's my hair doing?
My hair's got a mind of its own.
Sometimes I let it dry.
I saw Gandhi.
Gandhi was a really good film.
I thought it would have been, I thought it would have been, I thought it would
have been, I thought,
I've never been in my life.
I want him to think that the vertical hole's messed up.
Remember making, remember making shampoo once?
I got a new manager, Ruben Kincaid.
People have been so nice to me and new, people have been, do you know what that
is?
Do you know what that is?
Do you know what that is?
I don't know.
But it kept me out of the army.
My wife is so, my wife is, I had a bad week.
I don't, I don't, I don't want to be here.
I lost my job.
I lost my job.
No, wait, wait, I didn't, wait, I didn't really lose my job.
I mean, I know, I know where it is still.
Just when I go there, there's this new guy doing it.
This is kind of, this is kind of, this is kind of, this is kind of, ah!
This is kind of a funny story.
Because I was cashing a check the other night.
And they gave me more money than I wanted.
People in New York have been so friendly because, because people I don't even
know.
I've just been walking down the street here in New York and people have been so
friendly.
I didn't, I didn't, I, because I had a bad day and I was very depressed.
And this man I didn't even know came up to me and he said,
Hey, buddy, you got a problem?
And he made me feel good because he was concerned about my day.
My father's, right now my father's rolling over in the grave.
That's because he wasn't quite dead when we buried him.
Hey, look, look, look, MTV, and I ran, I ran for a while, hey.
Flock of Nimrods.
My wife is so, my wife is so, my wife is so fat.
Wait.
She's real fat.
I don't know.
I don't, I don't, I don't got, I don't got a joke for everything.
She's so, she's so fat.
When she puts makeup on, she looks like a subway train.
I'm on a roll.
That's like chicken, I know that.
That's like chicken.
That's like chicken, I know that.
That ain't a joke.
You don't even know what I'm talking about.
Have you ever been over to someone's house and they go,
and they go, and they want you to eat some sort of meat
that you've never eaten before in your life.
And they go, here, try this.
And I go, no.
They go, try weasel.
I go, no.
They go, take, take, take, take, take, take, take, take.
And I go, give me some chicken.
Hey, look, I'm the Pope.
Don't make babies.
Big holiday went by, Groundhog's Day.
Let's give chipmunks their own holiday.
Why not weasel day?
I'm looking for roommates.
If I didn't make you laugh,
I hope at least you talk about me at work tomorrow.
Tonight.
How are you?
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Thank you for having me on the show very much.
Thank you for being here.
Do you have trouble relaxing or unwinding after?
No.
You want to go out?
You want to go?
You and me, we can go bowling?
You and me?
Yeah.
Yeah, we'll do that.
We'll go bowling.
Will we?
I'm going bowling with David Letterman.
My mother's going to be really happy.
You and me are allowed to like, we can party.
Yeah, that'll be fun.
I like, I like, I paint, I paint.
This is some, this is some paintings I did.
Can you see this?
Can you see this?
Is that you?
Hold him up right over there.
This one here?
Yeah.
This is my house.
Thank you very much.
And this is my cat.
This is my cat.
This is my cat, Al.
Thank you very much.
This is my cat, Al.
After, this is, this is after my father hit him with a lawnmower.
And, and, and I made one for you.
You made one for me?
All right, let's see that quickly, Bob.
Okay, real quick.
This is like, this is for tonight.
See, can you see?
This is, this is Barry and Dave pals.
Very nice, Bob.
Well, we'll be right back with Barry White.
My next guest is making a return appearance on our program.
He will be working this weekend and also New Year's Eve at Tony T's in San Leandro,
California.
So you might want to rent that outfit now and get those tickets.
He's a very talented comedian.
Please welcome back, Mr. Bob Goldthwaite.
Thank you very, thank you very, thank you very, thank you very, thank you very
much and welcome to the show.
Hey, hey, hey, it feels, it feels, it feels, it feels, it feels real.
It feels real, got to be, I, I, I saw it, this is kind of a funny story.
I saw, I saw that, I saw that, I saw that.
I saw that, I saw that, I saw that, I saw that, I saw that, I saw that, I saw
that, I saw that.
Thank you very, thank you very much.
Hey, it's so, it was so, it was a, it was a, it was a pretty nice, it was
really, it's really nice to be back here in New York.
It was, it was, it was, we had a, we had a pretty, we had a pretty hot day.
Animals are our friends.
But they won't lend you money.
My dog goes on the floor, and I have to clean it up.
My dog goes on the floor, I have to clean it up.
Yes, man, oh God.
It was so hot.
How hot was it?
It's real hot.
I don't have a joke for everything, you know.
Why do you mind your own business?
It was so, it was so hot today.
I saw a wino melt.
I don't get it.
I do not get it.
I am not trying to say that making French toast is not a God-given ability.
But this was a long time ago before we had Pop-Tarts as such.
I thought the song, the music, I'm not pro-Nazi, but I thought the song, the
music, would have been a much better motion picture if, if they, if they gave
the Nazis a few songs.
A few upbeat titties.
How do you kill a family like the Von Trapps?
I have a violin.
I may be nuts, but I'm on TV.
It's so, Twinkies have a shelf life of 20 years.
That was true.
I saw it on the news.
It said, Twinkies have a shelf life of 20 years.
I was wondering if you ate a Twinkie that was 20 years and one day old, would
you go?
Does this taste funny to you?
I'd like to do a quick impression for you at home.
You can do my act at home.
Hi, don't take drugs.
That wasn't really Elvis, that was me.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Nice to see you, Bob.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
It's nice.
Thank you for it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can, uh, can I get you a mint?
I would like that very much.
Okay, we'll, uh, we'll see if we can't find, Bob, a mint here in a moment.
Is my breath bothering you?
No, no, I just, I just thought, I thought maybe...
I'm sorry.
That's all right, that's all right.
How you doing?
Good.
How's it, how's it going for you?
Okie dokie.
Yeah, that's good.
Do you go skiing, Bob?
Do you, do you go skiing, Bob?
No, I like, I just, I like to relax.
I, I, I'm a sniper.
You're a sniper.
Bob tells us he's a sniper.
Yeah, do you ever go sniping?
No, no, I, uh...
You wanna go?
No, no, maybe.
You and me, we have a lot of fun.
Okay, fine.
We'll, uh, we'll, uh, look into that.
Um, so you're gonna be at, uh, Tony T's?
No, Tommy T's.
Tommy T's.
Yeah, everyone's gonna go to Tony T's.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna walk out there, I'm gonna say,
Hey, hey, where's the audience?
Oh, Dave Letterman said Tony's.
Where'd you like to see him, my guy?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I didn't, I didn't mean to screw up the gig for you.
That's okay.
Okay.
If you wanna come down here, they ain't doing gas science.
Okay, fine.
Uh, we'll be right back, folks.
Bob's good place.
We're out of time, folks.
I wanna thank everybody who's here.
Bob, nice to see you again.
Bob will be at Tommy T's New Year's Eve.
Also, my thanks to Fee Waybill and Toril Forland
for the ski lesson.
Also, Bill Wendell, Paul Schaefer.
We'll see you folks tomorrow night.
Thank you very much.
Have a good evening.
We'll see you next time.
We'll see you next time.
We'll see you next time.
And that will be Monday, ladies and gentlemen.
My next guest has been with us before
and is quite a unique performer.
He is from San Francisco
and will be appearing in that city
at the other cafe on November 30th
through December 2nd.
Please welcome and hang on to something
comedian Bob Goldthwaite.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And it's very nice.
It's very nice.
Thank you very much.
And it's very nice to feel here.
It's very nice to feel here be.
It feels very good to be here.
If you're from out of town
and you saw it over the week,
because Thanksgiving was yesterday
and if you heard like a big giant noise,
that was because they were still
letting the air out of the balloons.
I don't get it.
That's not even my joke.
I just read it off the teleprompter.
I am a shaker and a mover.
I am the coffee generation.
When I started in the movie,
I started in the movie Terminator.
I started Terminator with Marvin Hamlis.
No, not Marvin Hamlis.
Who did the man in the movie?
I always get those two confused.
Scott Bale is the Antichrist.
Do you remember?
Do you remember when you were a kid
and your mother used to take you out to buy shoes?
Your mama would take you out to buy shoes.
Your mother would go,
I tried a new pair of shoes,
but my mother would go,
walk around.
Where are your toes?
Where are your toes?
Walk around.
Let me feel.
Where are your toes?
My toes are stuck in my damn feet, mother.
Where's your mind, mother?
You're leaving home in a cardboard box.
I'm pretty much every parent's dream.
Hi, is your daughter home?
I was on a television show.
No, wait.
I still have all of my baby teeth.
I was on a television show the other day.
No, no, wait.
Wait, it wasn't a real television show.
I mean, I mean, I...
I went into this convenience store
and this camera followed me around.
So I did my act.
I got arrested.
I went...
I stopped Purple Rain.
Now, I...
I couldn't stand to be corrected.
But if those women in Purple Rain
don't win an Oscar,
there is no God.
I have not...
I have not seen female actresses
of that caliber
since Yeehaw went off the air.
I went...
I went...
I went...
I went to a job interview.
And the man at the job interview goes...
It says here
that you were in a mental institution
in 1979.
I went...
Yeah, that.
I had a feeling
you were gonna bring that up.
So why were you there?
I said...
Because I was insane.
But I feel much better now.
He said...
They just don't put people away
for no good reason at all.
Why'd you have to go back in 1982?
I'm not gonna lie.
That was a reunion.
He said...
He said...
Why were you in a mental institution?
Why were you in a mental institution?
I said...
I don't even want your job.
And if you really want to know
why I was there,
I killed a man
during a job interview.
He goes...
He goes...
I think we can use you.
I had a...
I had a dream that
I'd see I was born
was on Sesame Street.
And he bit Big Bird's head off.
I went to...
Really smart.
I went...
I went...
I went to...
I went...
I saw...
Did you guys see that guy
who tried to shoot and kill the Pope?
I don't know.
I don't think that's funny
that he tried to shoot and kill the Pope.
But I mean,
I've done a lot of stupid things in my life.
And imagine if you tried to shoot and kill the Pope
and then he didn't kill him.
And then the Pope comes to visit you
on your cell block?
What would you say to the man?
Hi.
How are you doing?
You're still not mad, are you?
I thought...
I thought...
I thought you were a dear.
I also...
I also started...
I also started the paper
and there's a book out.
Did you guys hear this book?
The author claims
that when Jesus Christ grew up,
Jesus had a brother and a sister.
I said,
My God, no.
I mean,
it was hard enough
growing up in my family
with my brother
who was the captain
of the football team.
Could you imagine
growing up having Jesus
in your family?
It'd be like,
Why can't you be more
like your brother?
Because he's the Messiah.
When your brother's home,
we always have wine.
I've got to go.
Thank you very much.
How are you doing?
You know, Bob,
you know, Bob,
whenever you're on this show,
I say to myself,
I just hope and pray
that somewhere,
someone is working on a serum.
I'll tell you very much.
I think working on a serum
is a very good work.
So, how you been?
Oh, yeah.
I always check for my face,
you know,
like when I wet my face off
after that holy shroud of Taranty,
you know.
Yeah.
Now, do you find people
recognize you
when you go out?
You've been doing some TV
here and there?
I'm doing this.
Oh, yeah?
People go up to me
and they go,
Oh, what's Dave Letterman
really like?
I go,
Oh, yeah,
I'm the guy
Letterman pals around with.
He's a really nice guy
because I got in here
the other day
and he said,
Hey, Bob,
I hope you didn't make
any plans
for the next couple of days
because I want to get
to know you
a little better.
All right.
Good luck, Bob.
Yeah, we're all out of time.
And, gee,
have a good weekend.
Thanks, you too.
All right.
We're not going to hang out anymore.
No, no, we're done, Bob.
We'll be back
with Dan Hartman.
We didn't get to your stuff.
I'm sorry.
When you're in this field,
you do a lot of business
over lunch or dinner.
A few years ago,
our next guest
made his television debut
right here,
right here on this very program.
He has since then
gone on to become...
Oh, my God.
He has since then
gone on to become
a motion picture star
and he's starring
in his own television special
and is currently
on a concert tour
appearing August 5th
right here in New York
at the Westbury Music Fair.
As strange as ever, folks,
please welcome
Bob Goldthwaite.
Hi, um, thank you very much.
Um, it feels good,
it feels good to be here tonight.
Um, um, actually, um, um,
actually, I feel kind of nervous
because the last time
I was here, um,
I mean, I really,
I sucked really bad.
I sucked that night
and, um,
let me start again
because that won't be in.
Hi, how are you doing tonight?
Um, it's been a very,
it's been a very rough week for me
because recently I found out
that my toaster
was possessed by the devil.
Ew.
It's, you know,
it's a big pain
but it makes excellent toast.
A little burnt now and then.
It feels good to be back on the show.
I haven't been here a long time.
You know,
it was very nice
because, like,
lots of times
when I'm, like,
in a nightclub
and I'm waiting to go out
and the emcee will go,
maybe you saw this next guy
in police academy.
And then I walk out
and people go,
I thought it was going to be
the black guy
who makes the funny noises.
You know,
it's like,
have you been following this?
All these airplane crashes
and everyone's so confused.
Everyone's going,
gosh,
how come there's so many
airplane crashes?
Well, um,
I got a theory here.
Like,
do you remember that ground?
What was it about?
About four years ago,
the air traffic controllers,
they went on strike
and then, um,
Ronald Reagan fired them,
which, um,
you know,
totally illegal
and sounds vaguely familiar.
And, um,
no.
So they just hired anyone
who was hanging out
at the time, right?
And everyone's going,
geez,
how come there's so many
airplane crashes?
How come there's so many
airplane crashes?
I don't know,
maybe Walt the janitor
is not qualified
to land a Boeing 707.
You know,
I really, you know,
I really shouldn't blame Reagan,
you know,
because blaming Ronald Reagan
for the way things are today,
it's kind of like blaming
Ronald McDonald
when you get a bad cheeseburger.
Neither of them
run the company, folks.
Yeah.
I'm not a real big fan
of the NRA,
you know,
are you following this in L.A.?
They're shooting people in cars.
Right,
I'm getting sentimental going,
geez,
remember the good old days
when you could just stay home
and get shot at?
We need more guns
in this country.
It's so stupid.
In England,
guns are outlawed.
Every year,
13 to 14 people die
from gun wounds
because guns are outlawed.
Here,
like in New York City,
it's like a quarter
of a million people die
every year
because of guns.
Now that means
either gun loss work
or the people in England
really couldn't hit
the broadside of a barn.
It's like,
freeze.
Woo!
I think if I was
going to commit suicide,
I think about suicide
now and then.
Mostly when I'm doing
a monologue
on national television.
No,
I don't know.
I'm not going to kill myself
because if I died now,
like you could all go,
oh,
I saw one of his last shows,
man.
He had to die.
He was an artist,
man.
I'm going to age
like Jerry Lewis.
I'll be 60 years old
going,
ah!
If I was going to
commit suicide,
what I'd do is
I'd go over
to one of these guys,
these NRA guys' house
in the middle of the night.
I would break in,
I would take his gun
and then I'd wake him up
and I'd go,
um,
explain this.
Boom!
See the beauty of that?
I mean,
I would be dead
in his living room
and the cops would come over
and he'd go,
um,
he just came in here
and he blew his own head off.
I think,
I think he'd have a lot
of explaining to do.
I gotta get going,
but real quick,
like,
um,
you know,
speaking of,
okay,
nuts,
um,
Bernard Getz,
here's a guy
I will never understand,
subway vigilante.
Like,
people are going,
oh,
he's a hero.
He shot four kids
because they were
robbing him
with a screwdriver.
You know,
one of the best
planned crimes
of the century,
you know.
I mean,
I've done a lot
of the stupid things
in my life,
but,
I mean,
like,
I've never tried
to rob anyone
with a screwdriver.
I mean,
like,
what are these kids
singing?
He's like,
um,
um,
um,
um,
give me all your,
give me all your money.
Um,
give me all your money
or I'm gonna make
your glasses
really,
really wobbly.
Good night.
Nice job.
Nice to see you again.
Well,
um,
thank you very much.
You're gonna be up
in New Hampshire soon?
Yeah,
New Hampshire Club Casino.
I'm doing,
like,
all these tent gigs,
you know.
It's like me and tractor pulls.
It's kind of a big dream
coming to me.
I'm sure they'll be happy
to have you up there.
Well,
nice job.
Thank you very much.
Come back again,
Bob.
I'm glad things are
going so good for you.
What are we doing?
Oh,
tomorrow.
It's Jack Hanna
and Harvey Peacar,
so take a nap.
According to the law now,
owners must,
by law,
are required now.
They're required to clean up
after their pit bulls,
so I think...
say hello to our good friend,
Mr. Paul Schaefer,
ladies and gentlemen.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ooh, hi, Dave.
Hi, Dave.
Do you like my new character?
Oh, stop.
I'm trying to get in a movie deal,
and I thought if I talk like this,
I can get into the movies.
Just behave.
What do you think?
Just behave yourself, Paul.
Just...
Well, it seems to work
for a lot of people these days.
There's a lot of guys
on comedy who scream.
Who scream out
and do crazy, crazy voices.
Antics.
Madcap, wacky antics.
But you're saying
it doesn't look good on me, then?
No, no.
We like you the way you are.
Oh.
I should not go changing, then?
Is that what you're saying?

Bob Goldthwait Collection on Letterman, 1983-87

My next guest is one of the strangest comedians that we have seen in a long
while.
He works regularly at the Comedy Connection in Boston, Massachusetts.
Also at the Comic Strip right here in New York City.
Making his network television debut this evening, please welcome Mr. Bob Goldthwait.
Thank you very much, thank you very much, it feels real good.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, it feels real good.
Thank you very much, it feels real good to be here tonight.
Thank you very much, I swear, I swear, hey, hey, Ronald, Ronald, Ronald, Ronald
Reagan is so old.
Ronald, this is a joke.
Ronald Reagan is so old when he's, he's so old, he's got, he's got jelly beans
in his face.
I don't get it.
No, thank you very much, thank you very much.
My mama had a baby on its head popped off.
No, hey, hey, but seriously, I'm only 19 years old and I would like to meet
Jacqueline Bessette.
Hey, I'm not standing here right.
It feels real good, it feels real good to be here tonight.
What's my hair doing?
My hair's got a mind of its own.
Sometimes I let it dry.
I saw Gandhi.
Gandhi was a really good film.
I thought it would have been, I thought it would have been, I thought it would
have been, I thought,
I've never been in my life.
I want him to think that the vertical hole's messed up.
Remember making, remember making shampoo once?
I got a new manager, Ruben Kincaid.
People have been so nice to me and new, people have been, do you know what that
is?
Do you know what that is?
Do you know what that is?
I don't know.
But it kept me out of the army.
My wife is so, my wife is, I had a bad week.
I don't, I don't, I don't want to be here.
I lost my job.
I lost my job.
No, wait, wait, I didn't, wait, I didn't really lose my job.
I mean, I know, I know where it is still.
Just when I go there, there's this new guy doing it.
This is kind of, this is kind of, this is kind of, this is kind of, ah!
This is kind of a funny story.
Because I was cashing a check the other night.
And they gave me more money than I wanted.
People in New York have been so friendly because, because people I don't even
know.
I've just been walking down the street here in New York and people have been so
friendly.
I didn't, I didn't, I, because I had a bad day and I was very depressed.
And this man I didn't even know came up to me and he said,
Hey, buddy, you got a problem?
And he made me feel good because he was concerned about my day.
My father's, right now my father's rolling over in the grave.
That's because he wasn't quite dead when we buried him.
Hey, look, look, look, MTV, and I ran, I ran for a while, hey.
Flock of Nimrods.
My wife is so, my wife is so, my wife is so fat.
Wait.
She's real fat.
I don't know.
I don't, I don't, I don't got, I don't got a joke for everything.
She's so, she's so fat.
When she puts makeup on, she looks like a subway train.
I'm on a roll.
That's like chicken, I know that.
That's like chicken.
That's like chicken, I know that.
That ain't a joke.
You don't even know what I'm talking about.
Have you ever been over to someone's house and they go,
and they go, and they want you to eat some sort of meat
that you've never eaten before in your life.
And they go, here, try this.
And I go, no.
They go, try weasel.
I go, no.
They go, take, take, take, take, take, take, take, take.
And I go, give me some chicken.
Hey, look, I'm the Pope.
Don't make babies.
Big holiday went by, Groundhog's Day.
Let's give chipmunks their own holiday.
Why not weasel day?
I'm looking for roommates.
If I didn't make you laugh,
I hope at least you talk about me at work tomorrow.
Tonight.
How are you?
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Thank you for having me on the show very much.
Thank you for being here.
Do you have trouble relaxing or unwinding after?
No.
You want to go out?
You want to go?
You and me, we can go bowling?
You and me?
Yeah.
Yeah, we'll do that.
We'll go bowling.
Will we?
I'm going bowling with David Letterman.
My mother's going to be really happy.
You and me are allowed to like, we can party.
Yeah, that'll be fun.
I like, I like, I paint, I paint.
This is some, this is some paintings I did.
Can you see this?
Can you see this?
Is that you?
Hold him up right over there.
This one here?
Yeah.
This is my house.
Thank you very much.
And this is my cat.
This is my cat.
This is my cat, Al.
Thank you very much.
This is my cat, Al.
After, this is, this is after my father hit him with a lawnmower.
And, and, and I made one for you.
You made one for me?
All right, let's see that quickly, Bob.
Okay, real quick.
This is like, this is for tonight.
See, can you see?
This is, this is Barry and Dave pals.
Very nice, Bob.
Well, we'll be right back with Barry White.
My next guest is making a return appearance on our program.
He will be working this weekend and also New Year's Eve at Tony T's in San Leandro,
California.
So you might want to rent that outfit now and get those tickets.
He's a very talented comedian.
Please welcome back, Mr. Bob Goldthwaite.
Thank you very, thank you very, thank you very, thank you very, thank you very
much and welcome to the show.
Hey, hey, hey, it feels, it feels, it feels, it feels, it feels real.
It feels real, got to be, I, I, I saw it, this is kind of a funny story.
I saw, I saw that, I saw that, I saw that.
I saw that, I saw that, I saw that, I saw that, I saw that, I saw that, I saw
that, I saw that.
Thank you very, thank you very much.
Hey, it's so, it was so, it was a, it was a, it was a pretty nice, it was
really, it's really nice to be back here in New York.
It was, it was, it was, we had a, we had a pretty, we had a pretty hot day.
Animals are our friends.
But they won't lend you money.
My dog goes on the floor, and I have to clean it up.
My dog goes on the floor, I have to clean it up.
Yes, man, oh God.
It was so hot.
How hot was it?
It's real hot.
I don't have a joke for everything, you know.
Why do you mind your own business?
It was so, it was so hot today.
I saw a wino melt.
I don't get it.
I do not get it.
I am not trying to say that making French toast is not a God-given ability.
But this was a long time ago before we had Pop-Tarts as such.
I thought the song, the music, I'm not pro-Nazi, but I thought the song, the
music, would have been a much better motion picture if, if they, if they gave
the Nazis a few songs.
A few upbeat titties.
How do you kill a family like the Von Trapps?
I have a violin.
I may be nuts, but I'm on TV.
It's so, Twinkies have a shelf life of 20 years.
That was true.
I saw it on the news.
It said, Twinkies have a shelf life of 20 years.
I was wondering if you ate a Twinkie that was 20 years and one day old, would
you go?
Does this taste funny to you?
I'd like to do a quick impression for you at home.
You can do my act at home.
Hi, don't take drugs.
That wasn't really Elvis, that was me.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Nice to see you, Bob.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
It's nice.
Thank you for it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can, uh, can I get you a mint?
I would like that very much.
Okay, we'll, uh, we'll see if we can't find, Bob, a mint here in a moment.
Is my breath bothering you?
No, no, I just, I just thought, I thought maybe...
I'm sorry.
That's all right, that's all right.
How you doing?
Good.
How's it, how's it going for you?
Okie dokie.
Yeah, that's good.
Do you go skiing, Bob?
Do you, do you go skiing, Bob?
No, I like, I just, I like to relax.
I, I, I'm a sniper.
You're a sniper.
Bob tells us he's a sniper.
Yeah, do you ever go sniping?
No, no, I, uh...
You wanna go?
No, no, maybe.
You and me, we have a lot of fun.
Okay, fine.
We'll, uh, we'll, uh, look into that.
Um, so you're gonna be at, uh, Tony T's?
No, Tommy T's.
Tommy T's.
Yeah, everyone's gonna go to Tony T's.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna walk out there, I'm gonna say,
Hey, hey, where's the audience?
Oh, Dave Letterman said Tony's.
Where'd you like to see him, my guy?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I didn't, I didn't mean to screw up the gig for you.
That's okay.
Okay.
If you wanna come down here, they ain't doing gas science.
Okay, fine.
Uh, we'll be right back, folks.
Bob's good place.
We're out of time, folks.
I wanna thank everybody who's here.
Bob, nice to see you again.
Bob will be at Tommy T's New Year's Eve.
Also, my thanks to Fee Waybill and Toril Forland
for the ski lesson.
Also, Bill Wendell, Paul Schaefer.
We'll see you folks tomorrow night.
Thank you very much.
Have a good evening.
We'll see you next time.
We'll see you next time.
We'll see you next time.
And that will be Monday, ladies and gentlemen.
My next guest has been with us before
and is quite a unique performer.
He is from San Francisco
and will be appearing in that city
at the other cafe on November 30th
through December 2nd.
Please welcome and hang on to something
comedian Bob Goldthwaite.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And it's very nice.
It's very nice.
Thank you very much.
And it's very nice to feel here.
It's very nice to feel here be.
It feels very good to be here.
If you're from out of town
and you saw it over the week,
because Thanksgiving was yesterday
and if you heard like a big giant noise,
that was because they were still
letting the air out of the balloons.
I don't get it.
That's not even my joke.
I just read it off the teleprompter.
I am a shaker and a mover.
I am the coffee generation.
When I started in the movie,
I started in the movie Terminator.
I started Terminator with Marvin Hamlis.
No, not Marvin Hamlis.
Who did the man in the movie?
I always get those two confused.
Scott Bale is the Antichrist.
Do you remember?
Do you remember when you were a kid
and your mother used to take you out to buy shoes?
Your mama would take you out to buy shoes.
Your mother would go,
I tried a new pair of shoes,
but my mother would go,
walk around.
Where are your toes?
Where are your toes?
Walk around.
Let me feel.
Where are your toes?
My toes are stuck in my damn feet, mother.
Where's your mind, mother?
You're leaving home in a cardboard box.
I'm pretty much every parent's dream.
Hi, is your daughter home?
I was on a television show.
No, wait.
I still have all of my baby teeth.
I was on a television show the other day.
No, no, wait.
Wait, it wasn't a real television show.
I mean, I mean, I...
I went into this convenience store
and this camera followed me around.
So I did my act.
I got arrested.
I went...
I stopped Purple Rain.
Now, I...
I couldn't stand to be corrected.
But if those women in Purple Rain
don't win an Oscar,
there is no God.
I have not...
I have not seen female actresses
of that caliber
since Yeehaw went off the air.
I went...
I went...
I went...
I went to a job interview.
And the man at the job interview goes...
It says here
that you were in a mental institution
in 1979.
I went...
Yeah, that.
I had a feeling
you were gonna bring that up.
So why were you there?
I said...
Because I was insane.
But I feel much better now.
He said...
They just don't put people away
for no good reason at all.
Why'd you have to go back in 1982?
I'm not gonna lie.
That was a reunion.
He said...
He said...
Why were you in a mental institution?
Why were you in a mental institution?
I said...
I don't even want your job.
And if you really want to know
why I was there,
I killed a man
during a job interview.
He goes...
He goes...
I think we can use you.
I had a...
I had a dream that
I'd see I was born
was on Sesame Street.
And he bit Big Bird's head off.
I went to...
Really smart.
I went...
I went...
I went to...
I went...
I saw...
Did you guys see that guy
who tried to shoot and kill the Pope?
I don't know.
I don't think that's funny
that he tried to shoot and kill the Pope.
But I mean,
I've done a lot of stupid things in my life.
And imagine if you tried to shoot and kill the Pope
and then he didn't kill him.
And then the Pope comes to visit you
on your cell block?
What would you say to the man?
Hi.
How are you doing?
You're still not mad, are you?
I thought...
I thought...
I thought you were a dear.
I also...
I also started...
I also started the pape