Name: LNwDL, August 14, 1984, w/Graham Nash, Martin Short, Ken Stricker (full)
Uploaded: 2018-07-05T16:50:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LNwDL, August 14, 1984, w/Graham Nash, Martin Short, Ken Stricker (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LNwDL, August 14, 1984, w/Graham Nash, Martin Short, Ken Stricker (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-05. Transcript available.

LNwDL, August 14, 1984, w/Graham Nash, Martin Short, Ken Stricker (full)

From New York, the breadbasket to a hungry nation, it's Late Night with David
Letterman.
Tonight, comedian Martin Short, singer Graham Nash, and Stupid Pet Tricks.
Also, Dave picks a co-host from the standby ticket line.
And now, a man who can remember when, if you wanted chrome, you had to make
your own, David Letterman!
Thank you, fellas.
Thank you, fellas.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Boy, that's generous of you folks.
Welcome to the program.
We come to you, we telecast this great program of ours to all over.
We go all over North America, don't we?
Yes.
All over North America, and it comes to you every night from midtown Manhattan,
where you think things are okay.
Well, the truth of the matter is, things are not okay, and I believe the core
of all of this is the breakup of AT&T.
Frankly, I'm just sick about it.
I have not adjusted well to the notion, but listen to this now.
Because of this, there's a revenue problem, and the New York telephone company
announced earlier today that they do not have enough money to put next year's
phone book in alphabetical order.
Well, let's see.
You want to go for two or not?
What do you think, Kevin?
Go for two.
Well, I saw in the paper earlier today where...
This is my joke caddy, Kevin Kay.
He tells me when it's okay to take another shot.
Looks like the Republicans are taking a hint from the Democrats, and Ronald
Reagan's advisors have told him not to kiss his vice presidential candidate in
public either.
No, that was two.
That was two.
Oh, for two?
We've got a great show for you folks tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Graham Nash is on this program tonight, also.
I feel strange.
Do you feel all right, Bill?
I'm a little woozy, Dave.
You're a little woozy.
Now, what would be the origin of your wooziness?
I believe it was from being hit in the head several times.
Was this a domestic trouble, Bill, or...?
Well, it started outside the home, Dave.
Outside the home.
At a construction site, perhaps, and then continued on in.
Yes.
Paul, how about you?
You feel all right?
Feeling marvelous.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
Also on tonight's program, Mr. Martin Short, who, uh...
He'll be here.
Another installment.
I don't know if you understand this or not, but in the last two and a half
years, we've done
stupid pet tricks once every six weeks or so.
It's won six Peabody Awards.
And we'll have another installment of Stupid Pet Tricks tonight, plus a, uh, a
valuable
safety, if I can get my hand out of my pocket, a valuable quiz on summer safety.
Now, say hello to our good friend, Mr. Paul, please.
Hello, David.
Thank you so very much.
Thank you very much.
You know, you know, let me just say this.
Everywhere I go, everywhere I go in this, this nutty kind of land of ours,
people ask me,
what is David Letterman really like?
And I, and this is what I tell him.
What do you tell him, Paul?
As a performer, now, not, not a performer, as a performer.
Performer.
One of a kind.
As a man, one of the kindest.
David Letterman.
And I think we all feel all right.
And I think the audience agrees.
Thank you very much, Paul.
And we need to show you up.
The same goes for me.
We got a, uh, we got a good show tonight.
I told you who's on the show.
I'm, I'm steamed, and I don't know why.
What is the matter?
I don't know why.
There's no reason for me to be steamed.
Everything's going fine, and, uh, and there's no point in that either.
But everything's, we got a, uh, you know, we have, how many people do we have
in our
audience every night?
I've never known that.
Three hundred, three hundred, almost three hundred.
Really?
Now, are you aware of the fact that for every three hundred people who get in
here, there
is a large group of people who do not get in here?
Mostly my friends.
None of them can get in.
Can't get any of them.
Uh, your friends don't get in anywhere.
Uh, but, so, tonight we thought it would be nice to do something special for
the poor
folks who don't get in.
So, uh, we're gonna select somebody from that standby group of people.
They're actually, right up until the time the show begins, they're treated like
regular,
uh, uh, uh, audience members.
And then, afterwards, they're treated like second-class citizens.
So, tonight, we're going to select one of them to come down here and, uh, help
out for the, uh,
rest of the show.
Now, we've written up some guidelines here for, for what a co-host, uh, must
have.
Uh, we feel, uh, must have a neat and hygienic appearance.
Must have a warm and hearty laugh.
Must have a firm handshake.
Must be confident enough to subordinate his personal goals to the success of
the show.
Uh, must not be taking any prescription medication that might make him drowsy
or quick to anger.
I like that.
Okay, let's, I tell you what, is, uh, uh, uh, Carl up there so we can, let's go
out and see the,
now, they can't hear me yet, can they, Hal?
Okay, this is, thank you very much.
This is the, uh, the holding pen where they're, there they are.
Some federal law requires a little bit of light out there for them.
There they are.
Those are the folks that, uh, they came very, very close to getting in.
Carl, can we, can we just go on down the line and take a look at them?
Okay.
Some other, uh, guidelines here.
We would like the person selected to be a self-starter.
Must be able to drive a stick shift without grinding the gears.
Must keep a cool head in a crisis.
All right.
So, so one of, one of these people will, uh, be selected to come down here and,
uh, help us with the show.
Paul, will you help me make a choice on this?
I'd be thrilled to, David.
I'm really, really thrilled.
Okay, uh, let's go ahead and, uh, turn on the, uh, whatever it is they're
listening to me on.
Can they hear me now, Paul?
He's on now.
Thank you.
How do you do, sir?
What is your name, please?
The man in the, uh, no, the one next to you.
Well, I think we can eliminate that guy right off the bat.
Okay.
It's a little too pushy.
He's already organized the group.
Yes, sir.
No, no, the other man.
We'll, we'll get to you in a second.
Yes, sir, what is your name?
Kent.
I'm sorry?
Kent French.
Kent, where are you from?
Independence, Missouri.
And how long have you been in line there, sir?
Um, what?
All day.
We were here all day.
All day.
Uh, Kent, can I, can I speak to your attorney, please?
I'm his attorney.
Uh, what is your name, sir?
Yes.
My name is James Burris.
James, and, uh, where are you from, sir?
I live in New York.
Uh-huh.
And how long have, how long have you been in line, sir?
Um, well, I was with Kent most of the day.
All day.
I stopped with coffee.
It's too late, Kent.
Give it up.
Uh, was your name James?
Yes.
James, and what do you do for a living, sir?
I go to school.
I'm a student.
What are you studying?
English.
Yeah.
Uh, how did you feel, how did you feel when you realized that, uh, everybody
else was getting
in to see the show but you and Kent there?
A little aggravated.
Um, you know, been here all day.
I haven't shaved, as you can see.
Uh-huh.
I, you know, missed breakfast, lunch, and it looks like you're crowding my
dinner time,
so.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You don't want to keep the little fella from getting something to eat, do we?
All right.
Okay, let's, uh, go on down the line and we'll meet some of the other folks.
Nice talking with you.
Okay.
How do you do, sir?
What is your name?
Wayne Garrett.
Wayne, where are you from?
Effort of Pennsylvania.
What?
Where in Pennsylvania?
What's that, David?
I say, where in Pennsylvania?
Effort of Lancaster County, an hour west of Philadelphia.
And, uh, you took, uh, you took advantage of the wait in line to memorize the
road atlas.
That's, uh, what, what do you do for a living, sir?
I'm an insurance salesman.
All right.
And, uh, uh, how have you been while away, uh, whiling away the hours in line
there?
Oh, we've been playing Scrabble and just having a great old time.
Uh, and, uh, have you ever been on television before, Wayne?
No, sir.
Would you like to be on TV?
Oh, it's terrific.
Okay.
Thank you very much, Wayne.
We'll get back to you, sir.
Uh, let's see.
Let's try the young lady there.
I don't mean to, uh, yes, ma'am.
What is your name, please?
Bonnie Allen from Effort of Pennsylvania.
Kind of a bus deal here?
What do you, what do you do for a living, Bonnie?
I'm a mother of four children.
Of four children?
Yes.
Congratulations.
Has, has anybody in line there been causing trouble this afternoon?
No.
No.
Not even James and Kent?
Well, they're a little problem, but...
All right.
What do you, uh, have you ever been on television yourself?
Yes.
In what capacity?
Uh, church service.
I'm going to go to the bed.
They, they, they televise your church service.
No, this was a long time ago.
That was a long time ago.
All right, Bonnie, we're going to pencil you in here.
All right, Paul, now we have four there.
What do you think?
Is there anybody there?
Do we have time to, uh, keep looking, or...
Okay, let's go on down the line one.
Have you seen anybody you like so far, Paul?
No, not so far, no.
Let's keep, let's keep going.
Keep on going.
Okay, let's, uh, let's go on down a notch or two.
Yes, this, uh, lady right there.
Ma'am?
No, ma'am, you.
What, what is your name, ma'am?
Leah Garrett.
Leah?
Leah Garrett.
Nice to see you, Leah.
And, uh, where are you from?
Africa, Pennsylvania.
Yeah.
Are you married to Wayne?
Yes, I am, unfortunately.
Okay, I'm sure we're going to have to disqualify you then, Leah.
Um, what, what is this man's name?
You, sir, how do you do?
What is your name, please?
Ken Stricker.
Kent, and what do you do for a living?
I'm a computer programmer.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, where do you live, sir?
Orlando, Florida.
How have things been in line for you today?
Not bad.
Yeah?
Not bad.
Have you ever wanted to be on television?
Yeah, I do a little bit of acting back in Orlando in community theater.
Yeah, what was the last production you were in?
I was in Sound of Music.
And what part did you play?
Rolf.
Rolf?
Rolf?
The young German.
Never heard of Rolf.
The one who sings 16 Going on 17.
His what?
He sings 16 Going on 17.
Oh, he, he sings that?
Yes.
Would, could you favor us with a few bars of that?
Uh, not without accompaniment.
Well, Paul, you probably know that, don't you?
Which one?
18 Going on 17 or whatever?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, all right.
Uh, we have it here, if you're ready to go.
All right.
Okay.
I, I can't hear the...
That's all right.
You are 16 Going on 17.
Fellows will fall in line.
Very nice.
Weaver, young lads and roues and pads will offer you food and wine.
Totally unprepared, are you?
Are you ready to face over the bed?
Timid and fly and scared, are you?
For things beyond your care?
Yeah.
You.
Okay, well...
You know who that was?
You know what his name was?
Tim Stricker.
That was Ken, also?
Okay.
Thank you very much, Ken.
And, uh, the Von Trapps were able to get out of Australia.
Uh, all right.
Now, uh, we have...
How many do we have?
One, two, three, four, five, six.
We have Kent, James, Wayne, Bonnie, Leah, and Ken.
Now, we disqualified Leah because she's married to...
Can they hear me up there, Hal?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Turn it off.
Uh, we had to disqualify Leah because she's married to that, uh, thug Wayne,
but, uh...
No, it's just a joke.
It's only a joke.
What do you think, Paul?
Uh, Kent?
James?
Wayne?
I think we have to go with Ken, the man who sang.
Who sang?
I don't think...
I think if we didn't, we would be sorely amiss.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You don't like, uh...
You don't like Ken?
Who else would you like?
James.
James?
No, no.
No, no.
No, no.
It's going to be Ken.
I think we're going to have to get...
Okay.
How can they, uh...
Let me, uh...
Can they hear me now, Hal?
Okay, open it up.
First of all, I want to...
I just want to thank Kent.
I want to thank James.
I want to thank Wayne and his lovely wife, Leah.
I would like to thank Bonnie and everybody for being so patient up there in our,
uh, stand-by ticket line.
Uh, we were, uh, talking to you folks to select a co-host for tonight's telecas