Name: David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, Part 2: 2010-2012
Uploaded: 2018-08-28T19:17:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, Part 2: 2010-2012' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, Part 2: 2010-2012' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-28. Transcript available.

David Letterman and Conan O'Brien, Part 2: 2010-2012

Well, ladies and gentlemen, once again, I did not get the Tonight Show.
Again.
Passed over again.
Oh.
I can't believe it.
That's not all.
Listen to this.
Today, NBC announced that they are bringing back Johnny Carson.
And they're putting him on at 10 p.m.
The problem is, my mother is now confused.
She called me over the weekend, and she said, David?
And she wants to know now when she's supposed to watch Jay.
I said, Mom!
But it's very confusing over there.
Very crowded now at 1130.
Once you get through the local news, things start to bunch up a little bit.
And I'm a little worried about Conan.
I'm not worried about Jay.
He'll, you know, he'll land on his chin.
He always does.
No problems there.
I don't know.
Do I still have a show?
All of this conversation about everybody moving from here to there and this and
that.
And I was thinking to myself, boy, it'd be nice if I had a show.
And then I realized, I do have a show.
Well, I can see that coming from my house.
Now, uh...
We interrupt this program so that we may bring you a message from NBC News.
NBC has decided to move David Letterman back to 1230.
This has been a message from NBC News.
Wait a minute.
Can they...
Hey, can they do that?
How can they interrupt?
Leave me alone.
So, now, here's what happens.
Paul and I did the show over at NBC.
And then Paul got fired and we came over here.
Yeah.
And then Jay Leno wanted to do his show at 10 p.m.
So, he moves his show to 10 p.m.
And then Conan, who used to do our show, he says,
I have a little buddy named Jimmy Fallon.
I'm going to give him my show.
So, he left him that show.
And then he did Jay's old show at 1130.
And then over the weekend, it's all scrambled.
All of a sudden, nothing's going on.
It's haywire.
There's so much confusion at our old network.
And I worry about those folks over there because we got a lot of old friends
over there.
And they're in trouble.
As a matter of fact, here, I'll show you how much trouble they're in at NBC.
This, we have a feed, a special feed.
This is what is on the air right now.
Right now, because of all of this chaos, this is what's on the air right now at
NBC.
Take a look.
Nighttime with Chuck and Don will return in a moment.
Is that a show?
Don King.
And Chuck Grodin.
Wow.
Wow.
This thing at NBC, gosh, now here's the problem.
The same kind of thing happened when I was over there.
And Paul and I did the show from, it was Tom Snyder used to do the show.
And it was called The Tomorrow Show.
And it came on after the Johnny Carson show.
Yes.
And then Tom left that show.
And then we came on.
And we did that show from 1230 we came on, right?
We came on at 1230.
1230.
Exactly, yeah.
1230, yeah.
And then it was announced that Johnny Carson was leaving.
Yes.
And we just thought that they would just move us right in.
Should have happened.
Well, no, I'm not saying it should have happened.
Well, I'm saying that I believe it should have happened.
Well, it didn't happen.
Yes.
That's all right.
Audience agrees.
They wouldn't be having this kind of nutty problem.
But anyway, go ahead.
So, and now there's this big stink and where will I go and what will happen and
what will
they do.
And CBS, God bless them, they said, they called up and said, Dave, you know,
why don't you come
over here, bring your little monkey circus over here, your little nickel and
dime pony show,
and we'll put you in bidness.
And I said, really, should I do business with a guy who says bidness?
But I did.
You did.
And, you know, we've done all right for ourselves.
And then they give the show to Jay Bigjaw Leno.
Yeah.
And he very successful.
Very successful.
He was, yeah.
Yeah.
And then he says, you know what, I'm having trouble staying up this late.
Is that how it happened?
That's exactly what it happened.
I see.
He said, it's ruining my home life.
Yeah, ruining my home life.
So I can't.
Right.
He said, is there any chance you could put me on a little earlier?
So they put him on at 10 p.m. with a fantastic variety show.
Yes.
It was a wonderful program.
And now they take our old friend, Conan O'Brien, who took over our show and did
our show.
Yeah.
They gave him the old Tonight Show.
So now everybody's got a show.
And then they bring in a likable young newcomer, Jimmy Fallon.
Yeah.
He's on the program.
And then now also out there in the ionosphere is Carson Daly, who I've never
seen in my life.
You mean you've never seen him personally, the guy or the show?
I have no idea who that is.
Either.
Either way.
Never seen him in my life.
And he's got a show.
He's like the Pluto of talk shows.
It's like, is it really a show?
Is it a planet?
Is it not a planet?
Is it a show?
A show, yeah.
We don't understand.
All right.
And so there's a big stink about that when it happened.
And now here we are almost 20 years later.
And, well, Conan now wants to go on the Tonight Show when Jay does the thing.
And so now all of a sudden the NBC says, you know what, this is not what we
want.
We're going to take Jay out of the 10 p.m. show and put him on at 11.30 back on
his old show.
And he'll go on for like a half an hour.
A half an hour show.
Yeah.
And then Conan.
But that's what they used to do on the old Dumont Network.
Isn't really just like a 20-minute show.
That's right.
That's the kind of thing.
How much do you have?
Well, I've got about 18 minutes.
Fine.
You've got a show.
You've got an 18-minute show.
So now that moves everybody down.
So poor Jimmy Fallon gets bumped.
He's now running.
He'll be on at 1.00.
He used to come on at 12.30.
1.05, I think.
1.05, right.
1.05.
And then what about Carson Daly?
He's really screwed.
But, you know, nobody seems to care about that.
So here's what they should do.
And I'm just passing this on, a word of advice to try and smooth things over.
Because, once again, it's happened.
It's bit him in the, you know, they had a thing.
I know where it's bit him.
Yeah, exactly.
Like, when you tune in the Today Show over there at NBC, you have Matt Lauer.
Yeah.
And you also have Meredith Vieira.
Yeah.
They should run The Tonight Show at 11.30.
And I don't know why I'm telling them how to fix their problems.
Nobody's telling me how to fix my problems.
Well, let me hear.
What do you got?
But this is free genius TV advice.
Conan wants to be on The Tonight Show.
And all Jay wants to do, we know two things about Jay.
He likes to tell jokes at 11.30.
Tell jokes at 11.30.
Yeah.
And he works on, he has an old truck he works on.
He's got an old truck.
He loves getting in there to tinker.
Hey, Mavis, bring me some, bring me some motor oil.
Mavis, bring me some motor oil.
Bring me some Quaker State, Mavis.
Mavis, bring me some Quaker State.
Mavis, bring me some Quaker State.
That's right.
That's what he likes.
That's what he likes to do.
He likes being under there.
He's a man of the people.
He's a blue-collar guy.
He likes getting his hands greased.
He's working on it.
Yeah.
Hey, Mavis, we got any of those fan belts?
Yeah.
Can you run down the Napa for me, Mavis?
So here's what you do.
You have Kona.
They come out together.
They're co-hosting the night show.
They're co-hosting the night show.
That's what I agree.
Yes.
Conan comes out and he says,
good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the night show.
And now here's Jay to tell his little jokes.
And then Jay comes out and tells his little jokes.
And then the show begins.
And then Jay will do a segment.
And then Conan will do a segment.
And Jay will do a segment.
And Conan.
Now that's how you fix the tonight show.
I don't know what to tell you to do about Carson Daly.
I got no solutions there.
I'm sorry.
But there you go.
You can have that for free.
I would like to see that.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's top ten list.
What a coincidence.
This is exactly what I was talking about.
Top ten signs there's trouble at NBC.
That's the category tonight.
Oh, there's signs.
Yeah, after four months, the 10 p.m. NBC program, The Jay Leno Show, has been
canceled.
That's it.
Yeah.
NBC hopes to keep Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jimmy Fallon.
Ah, nothing here about Carson Daly.
Carson Daly was last seen hitchhiking on the 405.
Apparently, yeah, apparently.
Yeah, I need some air filters.
When you get out of...
Can you get me some air filters, Mavis?
I'll be under the car all day.
So, top ten signs there is trouble now at NBC.
Here we go, number ten.
Lineup has more holes than the Green Bay Packers defense.
Uh-oh.
Number nine.
Winner on Deal or No Deal gets to run the network for a week.
Number eight.
NBC Peacock crashed his car and beat him with a golf club.
Number seven.
NBC Christmas Party is a week from Thursday.
Number six.
Tina Fey is having a hard time making fictional network executives dumber than
the real ones.
Number five.
Replacing Biggest Loser with a show about people whose weight fluctuates but is
still within an acceptable range.
Number four.
NBC President is seen wandering halls shouting,
Is Night Court still on?
Number three.
Promise they'll have this figured out by the 2014 Olympics.
Number two.
Just gave 10 p.m. show to Snooki.
And the number one sign there is trouble at NBC.
It's so bad, they'd even considered me.
We'll be right back with the lovely Jennifer Connelly, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks for getting interesting in late night television.
You know what's going on, ladies and gentlemen, in late night television?
Chaos and craziness and mayhem.
Wow.
Wow.
A couple of minutes ago, Conan O'Brien, who was the host of The Tonight Show
over there at NBC,
announced that he would not follow Jay Leno at 1205.
Yeah.
So, you know what this means.
That's right.
I knocked off another competitor.
Thank you.
Conan said he made the decision not to follow Leno at 1205 after he talked to
Johnny Carson.
That's what I thought.
I would want.
But listen to this.
If Conan does leave The Tonight Show, President Obama then has to appoint a
replacement.
Did you know that?
That's how the transfer of power goes.
And then I got a call just before I came out here from NBC, and they said,
Look, look, look, we still don't want you back.
Oh, can't we?
Really?
Thank God.
What?
I said...
And now, so Jay Leno apparently is moving back to 1130, and it's been hard on
my mom.
It's been tough on my mom.
Really?
Because for the last six months, she's been forced to watch me.
Ah, poor thing.
And now, according to the New York Times, al-Qaeda is claiming responsibility
for the wreckage at NBC.
Crazy.
They're claiming responsibility.
How about this?
Other big announcement.
Mark McGuire, home run Mark McGuire, claimed that he was using steroids when he
hit all those home runs.
Whoa.
Yeah, well, sure, he admits it now that the 10 p.m. slot is open.
Right.
Now he will.
Well, now, see, Jay Bigjaw Leno was moved at 10 p.m.
And he was going to be on five nights a week at NBC at 10 p.m., and that way
they didn't have to spend a lot of money on valuable primetime shows.
So now that he's moving back to 11 o'clock, 1130, NBC has got to scramble now
and find shows to fill that 10 p.m. slot.
You know what I'm talking about?
Because they used to have all those, like, Law and Order and the ER show and
the dramas.
The 10 o'clock dramas that would leave you staring at your TV for days.
So now NBC is really, really up against it, trying to come up with new shows to
replace all the other ones that are gone now.
And look, look what they've come up with so far.
I think you're going to like this one.
In the television industry, there are two types of talk show hosts, Jay Leno
and those who have been victimized by Jay Leno.
These are those stories.
I want to take a second here to kind of organize, try and coalesce, kind of
focus my thoughts about this NBC television debacle.
And I don't know if it's interesting to the rank-and-file American viewers, but
it's interesting to myself and to Paul.
It is.
Because Paul and I used to work at NBC.
We were over there.
We started the late night show back in 1983.
Was it 83?
Was it 83?
82.
1982.
That's right.
A