Name: "News to Us" with Merrill Markoe & Richard Rosen, September 1990
Uploaded: 2018-09-05T22:53:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"News to Us" with Merrill Markoe & Richard Rosen, September 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"News to Us" with Merrill Markoe & Richard Rosen, September 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-05. Transcript available.

"News to Us" with Merrill Markoe & Richard Rosen, September 1990

I'm Errol Marko, and I'm Richard Rosen, and what you're about to see may not be
your idea of current events, but it's news to us.
Relax your arms.
*Sings* News 2, I'm welcome to the news, welcome to the news tonight. I'm
welcome to the news, welcome to the news tonight. I'm welcome to the news
tonight. I'm welcome to the news tonight. I'm welcome to the news tonight. You
can go around.
Welcome to News 2 Us. Where we guarantee you news that you just won't get
anywhere else. And with good reason. Because we answer questions that really no
one else would even bother to ask. That's right, we don't just report the news,
because the news reports to us. And we know that what the news knows makes the
difference between you and your world.
You go along with that? Sure. You were really close to saying something. Thank
you.
First up in headlines to us tonight, Fuddruckers. Merrill, I don't know about
you, but as I've watched the growth of the Fuddruckers chain of restaurants
around this country, I've been plagued by a single question.
When they chose the name Fuddruckers for this chain of restaurants, what name
do you think came in second?
A dirty name. A dirty name.
When you come over for a name like Fuddruckers, what else name can you use?
Well, they didn't know the answer, so we came looking for it here at Fuddruckers
corporate headquarters just outside of Boston, where we spoke to the president,
Mr. Bill Baumauer.
I've been trying to get the answer to this question for some time now. When
they were coming up with the name Fuddruckers, what name came in second?
I could have some, I have ideas, but I don't think I should put it on the air.
Do you think the second choice rhymed with ucker?
It's, it's very, it's very hard to answer, uh.
I mean, do you imagine that the second choice contained the syllables ucker in
it, somewhere?
It's certainly possible.
I think you left that guy off the hook.
I had a plane to catch.
Oh, well that explains it.
Well, my top story tonight, those spikes at the entrances to parking lots and
rental car lots, do they really cause severe tire damage?
What do you think, what kind of damage do we have?
Severe tire damage.
You heard it yourself, it's severe tire damage.
Merrill, let's see that actual puncturing of the tires again in slow-mo.
Mmm, that's not.
Well, finally in Headlines Test, there was kind of an ugly incident at my house
last night.
I was standing by the sink in my kitchen, reading, and I spilled grape juice on
my blouse.
I tried to wash it out right away, but it was no use.
The blouse was totally ruined.
Merrill, I gotta tell you, I think your garment-soiling coverage continues to
be the best in the business.
It is very good.
I mean it, it's a good report.
Thank you.
But that after didn't look very much like you.
Well, you never saw me at home without my makeup on.
Is that it?
Yeah, I'm a vixen.
Now, Merrill, you know, there's an environmental threat that affects me deeply,
and yet it goes virtually unreported.
How could anything that matters to you deeply be unreported?
That was my question.
Anyway, tonight my special me-team report focuses on this environmental threat,
and it's one of horrifying proportions.
Unlike many of the more publicized threats to our environment, this one affects
us daily and visibly, and yet no one seems to want to do anything about it.
I'm speaking, of course, about stray hares.
In the past year and this century, Americans routinely accepted a certain
amount of free-floating hair in their lives, but America's population has
doubled in the last 70 years, and with it the amount of hair that detaches
itself from its original source and migrates to other objects.
And I always tell them to keep away from the soap.
What's the most unpleasant place that you find hair?
I'd rather not say.
What's the second most unpleasant place that you find hair?
This is the regional office of the Environmental Protection Agency in Boston.
Shockingly, none of the agency's current brochures makes any mention at all of
the stray hair crisis, even though this brochure itself has someone's hair on
it.
But then government efforts to address this crisis are hampered by a single, unanswered
question: whose hair is it?
Some people think that you're largely responsible for the stray hair crisis.
No, no, I've got stray hairs. I don't know what that means.
All right, thanks for your time.
Some are pointing fingers at barbershops like this one for the possible illegal
dumping of hair.
What do you do with all the hair you cut here?
I put them away.
Where do you put it?
So the gap should fail.
You know, to take it all, the sun addition, man.
You expect me to believe that?
It's not privacy, because you should believe it.
This map clearly shows that by the year 2000, there'll be stray hairs on almost
everything in America,
with the Northeast and the Great Lakes region expected to be hit hardest.
Now, is there anything the government can do about this that they're not doing?
No, I don't think the government should be involved, and I think they'll screw
up the whole situation.
Resulting in more hair everywhere.
Probably. Probably.
National legislation mandating the wearing of hairnets like this one outside
the home is urgently needed.
Failing that, more drastic measures may become necessary before the end of the
decade.
How drastic?
How about electrolysis on a scale never before imagined?
For Newstoss, I'm Richard Rosen.
Thanks for a great report, Richard.
You know, you're one of the few newsmen who can wear a hairnet and not look
stupid.
Maybe you have the height to pull it off is what it is.
Well, that's nice to know. I was worried about the light blue.
Oh, no. Very good. Matches your eyes.
We'll be right back.
I love my little girl.
She's my first.
And you know, when you've got this much love to share, well, you're going to
want to buy a wide assortment of products.
Isn't that right?
Products. They're for you because they're all about love.
You know, this show has given me an opportunity to interview a man who really
helped shape our culture.
At least the version of our culture I grew up in.
Archie Bell and the Drill?
No, I speak of an American legend, Mr. Arnold Freed.
My name is Arnold Freed and my occupation over the last 27, 28 years has been
as an inventor of novelty items, joke items.
In this unassuming apartment complex lives a man who has contributed so much to
life as we know it.
Now, what was the first item you thought of?
The first one was the wink-a-drink liquor pour.
Uh-huh. And you have one of those here?
I have one right over here.
And as I pour the drink, the eye opens up and it says, have an eye opener.
Uh-huh.
After that, that sold very well.
So I wanted to come right all the way back with something else pertaining to
drinking.
And I came with the on-the-rocks glass.
Uh-huh.
As a glass with real rocks cemented in.
It becomes a gimmick on the bar.
You came to me, Marilyn, and you said, uh, how would you like your drink?
I would say on the rocks.
And you bring the glass and it says on the glass.
You said on the rocks with real rocks.
Uh-huh.
Many other classic novelty hits followed in succession.
The crooked deck was a favorite of mine.
That was a very big sell.
And before you knew it, I invented what I called the nervous coffee cup.
Would you mind lifting that, Meryl?
Just take a drink.
Yeah.
So you designed this yourself?
I, with the help of a design engineer.
Uh-huh.
Very amusing.
The whiskey sandwich there, that was a very big seller.
Start your own Laugh Riot packed in a paper bag that is hand stamped whiskey
sandwich.
Have you ever seen a Laugh Riot?
Oh, I've started them all the time.
You have now?
What item starts a Laugh Riot?
The barstool safety belt.
Uh-huh.
That starts a Laugh Riot?
Oh, absolutely.
When somebody gets up on a barstool and they connect up those straps so they
don't fall off,
it's a pretty funny thing.
Starts an actual Laugh Riot.
Oh, sure.
Absolutely.
Now, if Alexander Graham Bell had the telephone and, uh, Ben Franklin had, uh,
what did he have?
He had the...
Ben Franklin had a stove and a few other things.
A stove, right.
And for you, what do we have here?
This is...
Oh, we have here the Wee Wee Fireman.
Right.
Now, this is a little fire boy here with a fire heart.
Right.
And he's holding his little thing there.
Uh-huh.
And when I put this...
And by his little thing, you mean?
His little, little penis.
Uh-huh.
And when I take the cigarette and I put it into the channel over here,
and that little boy will just do what you saw there and put out the cigarette.
Uh-huh.
So, what sort of a team of, uh, people work together to pull, pull off the, the,
what was this called again?
The Wee Wee Farm.
Right.
Oh, it's a lot of work.
And so, we salute another American legend, Arnold Freed, a man who has given us
so much.
Arnold, do you remember where you were when you thought of, what's the name of
this invention again?
Oh, God.
The Wee Wee Fireman.
I remember where I was when Kennedy died.
I remember where I was when Roosevelt died.
But where I was when I thought of the Wee Wee Fireman, who the hell knows?
You know, I say something like that.
It almost makes me wish that I were a smoker.
Makes me wish I were a fireman.
Makes me wish you were a fireman, too.
You know, your graphic is here.
Oh, shit.
Weren't you with the Moscow Ballet for a time?
Six months.
Now, it's time for my special report on sauces.
Wait, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to do a special report on
sauces.
But we've talked about this before, and I said that we weren't.
I'd like to air it.
No one cares about sauces.
Meryl, apparently you're unaware of the special news dust poll I conducted
recently.
Apparently I am, yeah.
Apparently.
What issue or area of interest would you like most to hear more about on the
television news?
I'd like to hear more about sauces on the television news.
Sauces.
Of all the industrialized nations, America seems to know the least about sauces.
Anything we can learn about them will help make us more competitive.
Meryl, as you can see, you're the only person in America who already knows
enough about sauces.
Uh-huh, yeah.
May I go ahead, then?
Do I have a choice?
No.
Sauces.
A special report.
A poet once said that a good sauce is clothing for food.
Sauce.
Hot or cold.
Sweet or pungent.
There's nothing like sauce to dress up a meal.
Tasty, lip-smacking sauce with a special close-up on sauces.
I'm Richard Rosen.
Meryl?
That was it?
Well, how much more do you need to know about sauces?
Honestly, Meryl, you know, you're getting very hard to please.
In that case, good piece.
Nice job.
Nicely done.
Thank you.
You know what?
Summer is almost over, and we didn't have a chance to do a beach piece yet, so
I took our
news-to-us cameras out to Malibu, California to get the real story.
I wish you hadn't.
I'm here at the beach in Malibu, California, and you know, from where I stand,
summer still
looks like fun in the sun to these beach goers.
The beach.
There's nothing like it.
There's nothing like the beach to help you beat the heat.
Get out and tan your troubles away, because no matter what your pleasure, the
beach still
offers something new under the sun.
Are you having a good time?
Yeah!
What do you like best about the beach?
Volleyball, guys, sun, guys.
If you go to the beach, you have to go in the water.
Water and the sun?
Well, there's no getting around it.
Summer fun is still a day at the beach.
Meryl, that was really an irritating piece of fluff.
I guess that means a lot coming from you, Mr. Sauces.
Well, I had a feeling you weren't going to be able to handle it, so I went
ahead and did my own piece
on summer.
You mean you went to the beach?
Summer, it presents a variety of hazards that can make traditional fun
activities
a calculated risk.
And what's the most terrifying place of all?
The beach.
There's nothing like it.
Water pollution, disease-carrying insects, beach erosion, and the depletion of
the ozone layer all make
su