Name: Act 1 (w/"Up with Hal Gurnee") on Letterman, July 24, 1986 (full, stereo)
Uploaded: 2018-09-08T17:39:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Act 1 (w/"Up with Hal Gurnee") on Letterman, July 24, 1986 (full, stereo)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Act 1 (w/"Up with Hal Gurnee") on Letterman, July 24, 1986 (full, stereo)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-08. Transcript available.

From New York, where even if GE does take over, they couldn't fire a guy with a
voice as resonant as mine.
It's Late Night with David Letterman. Tonight, Robert Klein, singer George
Clinton, and a visit from Chris Elliott, also viewer mail. And now, a gifted
young resident surgeon battling disease and the medical establishment, David
Letterman!
We'll be right back.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the program. It's Thursday night, isn't it, Paul?
Yes, it is, Dave.
Let's start out with something a little extra special, because it is the end of
our work week, and we want to treat the North American viewing audience to an
extra kind of neat thing to do. So, go ahead and do something special and
exciting.
How about a little Dylan?
Well, you did that last night. I mean, not that it wasn't great, but we've done
that. You think about it, and I'll get back to you.
Come up with something special and exciting for tonight.
That's right, because it is. It's a big night for us. Thursday is a very
exciting night for us here on the program, and we have wonderful folks from all
over the country, and people tuning in from all across North America.
And then, geez, just listen to me ramble, will you?
So, you think about this, Paul, because I want something, just that little
extra shot to make this a special evening.
We don't even need it. Not that we even need it. It's so special.
No, no, no. Automatically, it would be almost too special anyway.
I know. Almost too special. I'm very excited about tonight's show.
Yeah, okay.
Great, great.
So, while you're thinking of something special to do, I'll get on with it.
You do this. I'll get back to me a little later on.
I've eaten up three and a half minutes.
Folks, you know, this is cute. It's summer, it's hot, and this weekend, it was
cute.
Down the block from my home, I see a couple of neighbor kids, and they've got a
little card table out there, and it's, you know, it's a little lemonade stand.
So, I pulled over, and I went over, and I bought some lemonade, and I'm talking
to the kids.
Turns out, it's a division of Beatrice.
Then this morning, I'm on my way to work on the subway. I saw something really,
really pitiful, really sad, really pathetic.
A woman, obviously a tourist, is wandering from car to car, saying, where is
the powder room?
Oh, how you doing?
I got a little something special.
What is it going to be?
I got a little something any time you want.
Well, how do I introduce it? Just...
Just here's something incredibly special.
I'm glad. For those of you who just tuned in, we have something really special.
Paul?
Hey.
Fuck.
David Ruppa, the mother. David Ruppa.
Psycho. David Ruppa, Psycho.
Yeah!
How was that?
That's the kind of night we're talking.
Yeah, that was special. Yeah, yeah.
I'm not having a great day.
I'll tell you, give you an idea of the kind of day I'm having today.
We have this yearly drawing in the office, an office pool.
And we try and pick out of a hat who we think will be named N-C-Double-A, N-Double-A-C-P.
Could have been a whole different joke there.
Who will be named the N-Double-A-C-P Man of the Year?
And, uh, darn the luck, I pulled Reagan out.
So, that's kind of a...
President Reagan announced yesterday that he is not in favor of economic
sanctions against South Africa.
But today, but today, this was good news.
He said he is considering the removal of the lawn jockeys from the front of the
White House.
So, I thought that...
Look at this show.
This show may be too good for American television.
Don't...
Let's save it, Kevin.
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello now to our good friend Paul Schaefer in the
Heartbreakers.
Thank you very much.
Well, the mothership has landed, David.
The mothership has landed.
Dr. Funkenstein is on the premises.
Why don't you go ahead and introduce him.
George Clinton is with us tonight.
George, nice to have you here.
No, George isn't out here yet, but in his honor, we have sitting in with us a
guy who we like to refer to as Starchild.
He sometimes performs in a diaper with the Parliament Funkadelic thing.
Gary Duop Scheider is with us tonight, supplying a little bit of...
A little bit of funk and...
Preparing for...
Performs in a diaper.
Yeah, he does, yeah.
Preparing for Dr. Funkenstein's arrival.
Big show.
Yeah.
Powerful show.
Power-packed, exciting, entertaining program.
What do we do first?
Huh?
Do we do this here or not?
Top ten list or not?
All right, here we go.
Tonight's category, as always, compiled at the home office in Milwaukee.
Top ten Meryl Streep movie roles or flu symptoms.
Here we go.
Number ten.
Divorcee in Kramer vs. Kramer.
Number nine.
Swollen glands in throat.
Number eight.
Whistleblower in Silkwood.
Number seven.
Ex-girlfriend in Deer Hunter.
Number six.
Number six.
Dull throbbing in temples.
Number five.
Tortured expatriate in Sophie's Choice.
Number four.
Congestion in nasal passages.
Oh, I don't think there's any point in finishing this one.
Thank you, boys.
Thank you, boys.
You know, Paul, I'll be honest.
I'm a little depressed tonight.
You know what the problem is?
What does it matter?
I don't hear enough Phil Collins on the radio.
How many groups is that guy in, anyway?
He's in every group.
He's on every record.
Yeah, relax, Phil.
Take some time off.
Here we go.
It's viewer mail.
Get ready for nothing, boys and girls.
Actual letters from actual viewers if they weren't.
Ha-ha!
Would I be able to do this?
Not a chance in hell.
Here we go.
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, do you and Jerry Hall have anything in common?
Sincerely, Laurie Martin Schneider, Denver, Colorado.
Good question, and the answer is, yeah, we do have something in common.
Mick won't marry either one of us.
Yes, sir, that's comedy, isn't it?
Oh, God, now we're rolling.
Ta-da.
Okay.
I like that.
That was peppy, wasn't it?
Yeah, nice opener.
And you say that's not George Clinton.
Gotta get name tags.
That's not.
Here we go.
Letter number two.
I'm sorry?
I'm enjoying the show over here.
Who is?
I am.
Oh, well, good.
Come on.
Huh?
Come on, get into the show.
Well, you keep making that noise.
I'm enjoying it.
I'm just chuckling to myself.
All right.
Well, don't chuckle to yourself.
Open it up.
Oh, okay.
I really want to hear one.
Number two.
Dear Dave, it's one minute before airtime and you just don't feel like being
funny.
What on earth do you do?
Concerned and curious, Bob Hillman, Chicago, Illinois.
You know, Bob, this is a good point.
There are nights when I really don't feel like being funny.
But we have a member of our staff, and this guy never fails to cheer me up.
In fact, I'm going to bring him out here now.
You know him as Flunky, the late-night viewer mail clown.
Flunky, come on out here.
This guy is terrific.
Yeah.
I'm going to make your feet better.
Yeah.
Hi.
How are you going to see?
Have a seat.
Oh.
Okay.
Thanks for being here, Flunky.
How are you doing?
Well, my prostate's acting up a little bit.
Look, Flunky, I need some cheering up, so what I want you to do is tell me one
of those wild,
wacky circus anecdotes that always, you know, bends me over stitches laughing
so hard.
Okay, let's see, I was in a show about a month ago.
The big circus?
No, it was one of those parking lot carnivals, you know.
And I was doing this routine where we imitate the tightrope walk, you know,
only we do it on a wire that's a foot off the ground.
That sounds really funny.
No, it's really pretty lame, you know.
But anyway, I'd had a couple that day, so when it came, I turned to run across
the wire.
I got tangled in the big shoes, and I fell and broke my collarbone.
Oh, gee.
Gee, that's too bad.
That's a shame.
Well, the health commissioner closed the show anyway, you know, because folks
were having trouble keeping down the corn dogs.
Yeah.
But, you know, the trouble is I might have to go to jail if I miss another alimony
payment.
Oh, you know, that's great, because compared to you now, Flunky, I feel
terrific.
This story has really, really cheered me up.
I appreciate it.
Okay.
Good luck to you.
And by the way, have a good weekend.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
From now on, tell me when the musical guest is in the studio.
Just tell me when he's in the studio.
It was an honest mistake to make.
Letter number three.
Letter number three.
Thanks, Ed.
You people can hear us all right, can't you?
Here we go.
Here we go.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, if a flapping motion is only capable of being done with actual
letters from viewers, I would be interested in seeing what happens when fake
letters are used in attempting this.
What a guy.
Rusty Southwick, Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah.
Well, he's referring to just exactly what I did earlier like that.
You know, I don't know.
We've never tried it with phony letters.
I guess we could try flapping some.
Oh, over here.
We have a stack of...
Now, these are phony letters from phony viewers.
We've never done this before.
I'll give it a try right now.
I'm just going to flap them, Paul.
Here we go.
And we'll see if there is a difference there.
We're flapping them.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Hi, Dave.
How's it going?
Elvis, is that you?
Yes, it's me, the king.
By flapping those cards, you somehow bridge the gap between our two worlds.
Oh, my God.
And, Elvis, can we do this any time?
That's right.
Whenever you need my guidance, you can summon me with those cards.
Until then, keep taking care of business.
Well, did you see who's here, Paul?
Can't believe it.
It's Elvis.
Elvis is here.
Yeah.
Well, Elvis, you know George Clinton over there, don't you, with the band?
We've met a couple of times.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, thank you, Elvis.
Honest mistake.
It was an honest mistake.
We sure will, Elvis.
By the way, Dave, I'm honored to be featured in letter number five,
traditionally the funniest letter in viewer mail.
Great.
Elvis, I'm sorry, but this is actually letter number three.
Oh, screw you.
Can't believe it.
Feel like I's hypnotized.
Howard.
Thank you.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, please tell Paul to stop doing so many songs with that cheesy-sounding
Hammond organ.
He's got $20,000 worth of state-of-the-art synthesizers under his left elbow,
so get him to update his sound.
Sincerely, Jim Colburn, Rockville, Maryland.
Paul?
Yeah.
Well, uh, just, uh, tell that guy, uh, Jim Colburn, that, uh, that I love the
classic rock sound of my Hammond organ,
and I'll play it as often as, uh, as I like.
Yeah!
As I like.
And, and Paul, what, what model is that Hammond organ?
It's the, uh, Cheesemaster 2000.
Oh.
Thank you.
It's like a party, isn't it?
You can't, you can't stand it, can you?
It's like a party.
Thanks, Dave, for the wonderful party.
How come he's not out here?
Where is he if he's not out here?
Well, he's getting, he's preparing the fun.
You are George Clinton, aren't you?
No.
This is Gary Duop-Shider.
We had this argument with Larry Bud Millman once already on this show, you know,
about who was who in the parliaments.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
There's George Clinton, Dr. Funkenstein.
But George is here somewhere.
He's here, he's here, but he's, you know.
Well, he's missing all the fun.
Well, the, the mothership hasn't landed yet.
All right.
Meantime, Star Child, Gary Duop-Shider, he's here.
I don't, I don't feel too white.
Yeah.
Big, dumb, white guy, that's all.
The big, dumb, white guy, thank you.
How do you think we feel over here?
Here we go.
Letter number five.
Oh, I read it first, don't I?
Dear Dave, what's up with Hal Gurney?
Sincerely, Greg Jenna.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
The Iron City.
Good question, Greg.
Hal, Hal, what, what, what is up with Hal Gurney?
Up with Hal Gurney, Dave, it's my new singing group.
Hit it, gang.
Up, up with Hal Gurney.
You love him wherever you go.
Oh, up, up with Hal Gurney.
The best kind of folks we know.
Wow, that was great.
Congratulations.
Listen, Hal, where can we see this group perform?
Take four.
Well, Dave, we've had a few problems.
The district attorney is shutting down our operations back at the hotel.
What kind of a nasty incident took place there?
Oh, oh.
Yeah, take a tip.
Why, Dave, you're on.
Speaking of nasty incidents, well, I guess Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis, Elvis.
What?
We have more.
Oh, you have more.
I don't think it's going to help.
Up, up with Hal Gurney, he is our kind of guy.
Take two, take two.
Take two.
Yeah, it's not quite like a party out here anymore, is it?
A lot of people think I write all the special musical material on the show.
I don't, though.
Didn't you write that?
No, I didn't have anything to do with that.
All right.
But it's a nice tune, though.
It's a lovely tune.
Listen to this lineup of guests, folks.
We have Robert Clinton, a George, uh, I'm sorry.
Well, you got anything for this?
Have a little?
That's a nut.
Now, that is a very funky black kind of thing to be able to do.
We have Robert Klein here tonight.
George Clinton.
And listen to this.
We have a guy with mannequins.
We'll be right back.

Act 1 (w/"Up with Hal Gurnee") on Letterman, July 24, 1986 (full, stereo)

From New York, where even if GE does take over, they couldn't fire a guy with a
voice as resonant as mine.
It's Late Night with David Letterman. Tonight, Robert Klein, singer George
Clinton, and a visit from Chris Elliott, also viewer mail. And now, a gifted
young resident surgeon battling disease and the medical establishment, David
Letterman!
We'll be right back.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the program. It's Thursday night, isn't it, Paul?
Yes, it is, Dave.
Let's start out with something a little extra special, because it is the end of
our work week, and we want to treat the North American viewing audience to an
extra kind of neat thing to do. So, go ahead and do something special and
exciting.
How about a little Dylan?
Well, you did that last night. I mean, not that it wasn't great, but we've done
that. You think about it, and I'll get back to you.
Come up with something special and exciting for tonight.
That's right, because it is. It's a big night for us. Thursday is a very
exciting night for us here on the program, and we have wonderful folks from all
over the country, and people tuning in from all across North America.
And then, geez, just listen to me ramble, will you?
So, you think about this, Paul, because I want something, just that little
extra shot to make this a special evening.
We don't even need it. Not that we even need it. It's so special.
No, no, no. Automatically, it would be almost too special anyway.
I know. Almost too special. I'm very excited about tonight's show.
Yeah, okay.
Great, great.
So, while you're thinking of something special to do, I'll get on with it.
You do this. I'll get back to me a little later on.
I've eaten up three and a half minutes.
Folks, you know, this is cute. It's summer, it's hot, and this weekend, it was
cute.
Down the block from my home, I see a couple of neighbor kids, and they've got a
little card table out there, and it's, you know, it's a little lemonade stand.
So, I pulled over, and I went over, and I bought some lemonade, and I'm talking
to the kids.
Turns out, it's a division of Beatrice.
Then this morning, I'm on my way to work on the subway. I saw something really,
really pitiful, really sad, really pathetic.
A woman, obviously a tourist, is wandering from car to car, saying, where is
the powder room?
Oh, how you doing?
I got a little something special.
What is it going to be?
I got a little something any time you want.
Well, how do I introduce it? Just...
Just here's something incredibly special.
I'm glad. For those of you who just tuned in, we have something really special.
Paul?
Hey.
Fuck.
David Ruppa, the mother. David Ruppa.
Psycho. David Ruppa, Psycho.
Yeah!
How was that?
That's the kind of night we're talking.
Yeah, that was special. Yeah, yeah.
I'm not having a great day.
I'll tell you, give you an idea of the kind of day I'm having today.
We have this yearly drawing in the office, an office pool.
And we try and pick out of a hat who we think will be named N-C-Double-A, N-Double-A-C-P.
Could have been a whole different joke there.
Who will be named the N-Double-A-C-P Man of the Year?
And, uh, darn the luck, I pulled Reagan out.
So, that's kind of a...
President Reagan announced yesterday that he is not in favor of economic
sanctions against South Africa.
But today, but today, this was good news.
He said he is considering the removal of the lawn jockeys from the front of the
White House.
So, I thought that...
Look at this show.
This show may be too good for American television.
Don't...
Let's save it, Kevin.
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello now to our good friend Paul Schaefer in the
Heartbreakers.
Thank you very much.
Well, the mothership has landed, David.
The mothership has landed.
Dr. Funkenstein is on the premises.
Why don't you go ahead and introduce him.
George Clinton is with us tonight.
George, nice to have you here.
No, George isn't out here yet, but in his honor, we have sitting in with us a
guy who we like to refer to as Starchild.
He sometimes performs in a diaper with the Parliament Funkadelic thing.
Gary Duop Scheider is with us tonight, supplying a little bit of...
A little bit of funk and...
Preparing for...
Performs in a diaper.
Yeah, he does, yeah.
Preparing for Dr. Funkenstein's arrival.
Big show.
Yeah.
Powerful show.
Power-packed, exciting, entertaining program.
What do we do first?
Huh?
Do we do this here or not?
Top ten list or not?
All right, here we go.
Tonight's category, as always, compiled at the home office in Milwaukee.
Top ten Meryl Streep movie roles or flu symptoms.
Here we go.
Number ten.
Divorcee in Kramer vs. Kramer.
Number nine.
Swollen glands in throat.
Number eight.
Whistleblower in Silkwood.
Number seven.
Ex-girlfriend in Deer Hunter.
Number six.
Number six.
Dull throbbing in temples.
Number five.
Tortured expatriate in Sophie's Choice.
Number four.
Congestion in nasal passages.
Oh, I don't think there's any point in finishing this one.
Thank you, boys.
Thank you, boys.
You know, Paul, I'll be honest.
I'm a little depressed tonight.
You know what the problem is?
What does it matter?
I don't hear enough Phil Collins on the radio.
How many groups is that guy in, anyway?
He's in every group.
He's on every record.
Yeah, relax, Phil.
Take some time off.
Here we go.
It's viewer mail.
Get ready for nothing, boys and girls.
Actual letters from actual viewers if they weren't.
Ha-ha!
Would I be able to do this?
Not a chance in hell.
Here we go.
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, do you and Jerry Hall have anything in common?
Sincerely, Laurie Martin Schneider, Denver, Colorado.
Good question, and the answer is, yeah, we do have something in common.
Mick won't marry either one of us.
Yes, sir, that's comedy, isn't it?
Oh, God, now we're rolling.
Ta-da.
Okay.
I like that.
That was peppy, wasn't it?
Yeah, nice opener.
And you say that's not George Clinton.
Gotta get name tags.
That's not.
Here we go.
Letter number two.
I'm sorry?
I'm enjoying the show over here.
Who is?
I am.
Oh, well, good.
Come on.
Huh?
Come on, get into the show.
Well, you keep making that noise.
I'm enjoying it.
I'm just chuckling to myself.
All right.
Well, don't chuckle to yourself.
Open it up.
Oh, okay.
I really want to hear one.
Number two.
Dear Dave, it's one minute before airtime and you just don't feel like being
funny.
What on earth do you do?
Concerned and curious, Bob Hillman, Chicago, Illinois.
You know, Bob, this is a good point.
There are nights when I really don't feel like being funny.
But we have a member of our staff, and this guy never fails to cheer me up.
In fact, I'm going to bring him out here now.
You know him as Flunky, the late-night viewer mail clown.
Flunky, come on out here.
This guy is terrific.
Yeah.
I'm going to make your feet better.
Yeah.
Hi.
How are you going to see?
Have a seat.
Oh.
Okay.
Thanks for being here, Flunky.
How are you doing?
Well, my prostate's acting up a little bit.
Look, Flunky, I need some cheering up, so what I want you to do is tell me one
of those wild,
wacky circus anecdotes that always, you know, bends me over stitches laughing
so hard.
Okay, let's see, I was in a show about a month ago.
The big circus?
No, it was one of those parking lot carnivals, you know.
And I was doing this routine where we imitate the tightrope walk, you know,
only we do it on a wire that's a foot off the ground.
That sounds really funny.
No, it's really pretty lame, you know.
But anyway, I'd had a couple that day, so when it came, I turned to run across
the wire.
I got tangled in the big shoes, and I fell and broke my collarbone.
Oh, gee.
Gee, that's too bad.
That's a shame.
Well, the health commissioner closed the show anyway, you know, because folks
were having trouble keeping down the corn dogs.
Yeah.
But, you know, the trouble is I might have to go to jail if I miss another alimony
payment.
Oh, you know, that's great, because compared to you now, Flunky, I feel
terrific.
This story has really, really cheered me up.
I appreciate it.
Okay.
Good luck to you.
And by the way, have a good weekend.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
From now on, tell me when the musical guest is in the studio.
Just tell me when he's in the studio.
It was an honest mistake to make.
Letter number three.
Letter number three.
Thanks, Ed.
You people can hear us all right, can't you?
Here we go.
Here we go.
Letter number three.
Dear Dave, if a flapping motion is only capable of being done with actual
letters from viewers, I would be interested in seeing what happens when fake
letters are used in attempting this.
What a guy.
Rusty Southwick, Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah.
Well, he's referring to just exactly what I did earlier like that.
You know, I don't know.
We've never tried it with phony letters.
I guess we could try flapping some.
Oh, over here.
We have a stack of...
Now, these are phony letters from phony viewers.
We've never done this before.
I'll give it a try right now.
I'm just going to flap them, Paul.
Here we go.
And we'll see if there is a difference there.
We're flapping them.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Hi, Dave.
How's it going?
Elvis, is that you?
Yes, it's me, the king.
By flapping those cards, you somehow bridge the gap between our two worlds.
Oh, my God.
And, Elvis, can we do this any time?
That's right.
Whenever you need my guidance, you can summon me with those cards.
Until then, keep taking care of business.
Well, did you see who's here, Paul?
Can't believe it.
It's Elvis.
Elvis is here.
Yeah.
Well, Elvis, you know George Clinton over there, don't you, with the band?
We've met a couple of times.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, thank you, Elvis.
Honest mistake.
It was an honest mistake.
We sure will, Elvis.
By the way, Dave, I'm honored to be featured in letter number five,
traditionally the funniest letter in viewer mail.
Great.
Elvis, I'm sorry, but this is actually letter number three.
Oh, screw you.
Can't believe it.
Feel like I's hypnotized.
Howard.
Thank you.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, please tell Paul to stop doing so many songs with that cheesy-sounding
Hammond organ.
He's got $20,000 worth of state-of-the-art synthesizers under his left elbow,
so get him to update his sound.
Sincerely, Jim Colburn, Rockville, Maryland.
Paul?
Yeah.
Well, uh, just, uh, tell that guy, uh, Jim Colburn, that, uh, that I love the
classic rock sound of my Hammond organ,
and I'll play it as often as, uh, as I like.
Yeah!
As I like.
And, and Paul, what, what model is that Hammond organ?
It's the, uh, Cheesemaster 2000.
Oh.
Thank you.
It's like a party, isn't it?
You can't, you can't stand it, can you?
It's like a party.
Thanks, Dave, for the wonderful party.
How come he's not out here?
Where is he if he's not out here?
Well, he's getting, he's preparing the fun.
You are George Clinton, aren't you?
No.
This is Gary Duop-Shider.
We had this argument with Larry Bud Millman once already on this show, you know,
about who was who in the parliaments.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
There's George Clinton, Dr. Funkenstein.
But George is here somewhere.
He's here, he's here, but he's, you know.
Well, he's missing all the fun.
Well, the, the mothership hasn't landed yet.
All right.
Meantime, Star Child, Gary Duop-Shider, he's here.
I don't, I don't feel too white.
Yeah.
Big, dumb, white guy, that's all.
The big, dumb, white guy, thank you.
How do you think we feel over here?
Here we go.
Letter number five.
Oh, I read it first, don't I?
Dear Dave, what's up with Hal Gurney?
Sincerely, Greg Jenna.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
The Iron City.
Good question, Greg.
Hal, Hal, what, what, what is up with Hal Gurney?
Up with Hal Gurney, Dave, it's my new singing group.
Hit it, gang.
Up, up with Hal Gurney.
You love him wherever you go.
Oh, up, up with Hal Gurney.
The best kind of folks we know.
Wow, that was great.
Congratulations.
Listen, Hal, where can we see this group perform?
Take four.
Well, Dave, we've had a few problems.
The district attorney is shutting down our operations back at the hotel.
What kin