Name: Giant Alaskan Vegetables on Letterman, September 13, 1990
Uploaded: 2018-09-16T21:25:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Giant Alaskan Vegetables on Letterman, September 13, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Giant Alaskan Vegetables on Letterman, September 13, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-16. Transcript available.

Well, we have stuff, we have residue, we have some goo left over from the
animals.
I'll need some kind of pre-moistened towelette, please.
Coming up in this half hour, Bruce Hornsby and Sean Colvin is joining you for
the song, is that correct?
That's right, Dave.
Okay, good.
Uh, and, uh, oh, tomorrow on the program, another good show, we have, uh, Liam
Neeson, is that right?
Am I saying that properly? Liam Neeson? You know who that is, Paul?
Uh...
Dark Man.
No.
Yeah, that's what I've been told.
No, no, that's not true.
He's not Dark Man? It is Dark Man, yeah. Liam Neeson, Dark Man.
Plays Dark Man.
He's Dark Man.
Really?
Yeah.
He is?
You know, in real life? The guy who used to shoot darts into ladies?
Oh, no.
Paul, come up to the office for your hearing test.
Uh, also, uh, Jimmy J.J. Kidd, Dino-Mite Walker.
Oh, he's the greatest.
Now, there, there's your Dark Man right there.
That I can hear.
Yeah.
Uh, also, uh, Bob Costas.
He's back.
Oh, man, it's so...
What happened to the Giant Alaskan Vegetables?
Oh, they'll be on Thursday.
Huh?
Oh, I see on my card here, Giant Alaskan Vegetables, they've been crossed off.
Wow.
Yeah, but they'll be back, right?
Back Thursday.
Yeah.
Okay.
Because, uh, Giant Alaskan Vegetables and Dark Man on the same show would be
too much entertainment.
Too much for humans.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I want to tell you something.
We're going to do a commercial.
We'll be gone no more than a couple of minutes.
We're coming right back, and guess what we'll have?
That's right, Giant Alaskan Vegetables.
We'll be right back, and we'll be right back, and we'll be right back.
Thank you.
We'll be right back, and we'll be right back.
We'll be right back, and we'll be right back, and we'll be right back, and we'll
be right back.
We'll be right back, and we'll be right back, and we'll be right back, and we'll
be right back, and we'll be right back.
We'll be right back, and we'll be right back, and we'll be right back, and we'll
be right back, and we'll be right back, and we'll be right back.
Oh, we'll be right back.
Oh, we'll be right back.
Oh, we'll be right back.
Oh, we'll be right back.
Oh, we'll be right back.
You know, Paul, as an aside, this morning, I get a call from a car dealer.
I swear to gosh, you could actually smell his cologne over the phone.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, geez, look at the size of this cabbage.
Was I lying?
Isn't that amazing?
How did they get it to be so damn big?
That's a regular-sized cabbage.
Oh, I know.
I'm just trying to do what I can.
Our first guests were all participants in the recent Alaska State Fair, where,
in the biggest state in the country,
they've grown the country's biggest vegetables.
Let's meet our first giant vegetable person.
Hey, now, that would be something, wouldn't it?
Is there a Chris Koppi with us?
Mr. Koppi, are you here?
Oh, boy.
Koppi, am I saying your name properly?
Koppi.
Chris Koppi.
And, Chris, where do you live in Alaska?
In Wasilla.
In where?
Wasilla.
Wasilla, Alaska.
In what part of the state is that?
The part of the state it's in.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
And how old are you, Chris?
Eleven.
Eleven years old.
Have you been growing vegetables for quite a while?
Three years.
Three years?
All right.
Explain to us now what you've done here.
This, I'm guessing, is the size of a regular zucchini, eh?
This is junk.
It's that Alaska attitude you hear so much about.
That's not considered anything good for you, huh?
This isn't even a zucchini.
Okay.
All right.
How did you get this one to be so big?
Let it grow.
Did you have special fertilizers?
Chicken manure.
Chicken manure.
And a special seed, special strain, special hybrid, any kind of that?
Does this have anything to do with the oil spill?
All right.
It's the giant zucchini, ladies and gentlemen.
Our first.
Thank you, Chris.
Nice meeting you.
Did you win something for that?
You know, to be growing zucchini that big, you must really have a taste for
zucchini.
I hate zucchini.
What the hell do you care?
Is Ferris MacGyver with us?
Mr. Ferris MacGyver.
Ferris, nice to see you.
Is it MacGyver?
Yes.
Pleasure to know you.
And where are you from in Alaska?
I'm from Watchtale, also.
Also, so do you know this young man here?
Well, since we came to the show, but I knew of him before.
Had not met before.
Yeah.
Did you swap secrets on the plane?
No.
I haven't yet.
We have to on the way back.
Oh, yeah.
That'll be a trip you'll want to take over and over again.
You know, I don't know what's the matter with me tonight.
Okay, why don't you, man, this is celery, isn't it?
You need to eat more vegetables.
Oh, of course.
Vegetables are very, very good.
They're nutrient-rich, aren't they?
They are.
All right.
And how did you grow yours so large?
I did the same thing Chris did.
Chicken manure and just let it grow.
Put it in the ground and turned it loose.
See, that's a mistake a lot of people make.
When it gets to be this size, they don't let it grow anymore.
All right.
Now, is this, does it taste any different?
No.
Now, you could actually build in here, couldn't you?
Yeah.
Put a bow in that and give it to Mom for Easter.
All right.
And what do we have over here?
This is a...
That's a rutabaga.
That's a rutabaga.
A 20-pound rutabaga.
A 20-pound rutabaga.
And is that the biggest one ever grown?
No.
No.
How big would that one be?
Well, it's over 50 pounds, and I don't honestly know how old.
So this isn't even half a size as the largest rutabaga ever.
That's true.
Ooh, I wish I was flying back with you guys.
I wish I was.
Do you like rutabaga?
Oh, of course.
I love rutabaga.
Well, congratulations.
Did you win anything?
Yes.
I won a few ribbons.
Okay, good.
Nice to have you with us.
Now, let's...
Cynthia...
Cynthia Oxford, ladies and gentlemen.
Please say hello to Cynthia Oxford.
Okay, now, here, let's get this straight.
Here's the ordinary head of broccoli.
Here's the giant Alaskan broccoli.
Now, what part of the state are you from?
Wasilla.
Same area.
Yeah, but that's all I saw backwards.
That's what?
That's all I saw backwards.
Oh, it's spelled backwards.
It's...
No, it's wasilla, but if you spell it backwards, it's all I saw.
Okay, that'll be another show if you can come back.
All right, now, Cynthia, have you grown vegetables before?
Yeah.
And have they come out this large?
Not any broccolis this large, but other vegetables.
Were you surprised when it got this big?
No.
And why do you think it is that big?
Because I let it grow.
No, no, no.
That's not why.
Yeah?
Because I took good care of it.
I watered it, you know.
You watered it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Watered it, fertilized it, grilled chicken manure.
We're really getting some valuable insights here tonight.
All right, Cynthia, congratulations.
Thank you for being here with us now.
Is there another one?
There is another one.
Who's coming out?
Ray.
Ray Bacharach.
Ray Bacharach.
Ray Bacharach.
Hi, Ray.
Hi.
Ray Bacharach.
Good to know you.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
Did you get a look at this kid?
Huh?
And this is a cabbage.
This is like a wonderland of cabbage.
And you're all from the same area, I guess.
No, I'm from Palmer.
Oh, of course you're from Palmer.
And what is that spelled backwards?
I wouldn't know.
Yeah.
Oh.
All right, now, have you been growing cabbage for quite some time?
Oh, yes.
Yeah, how long?
Oh, 50 years.
50 years.
Now, when you planted the seeds for this cabbage, did you say to yourself, I'm
going to make sure
it gets to be extra big?
Did you know you were getting a big cabbage here?
I do that every year.
You try and grow as big as you can get.
Yes.
Is this the biggest one you've grown?
No.
Yeah.
How many pounds is that?
That's about 70 pounds.
And what's the biggest one you've grown?
87 pounds.
87 pound cabbage.
Now, what will you do with that one?
Well, if somebody wants it, this one here, this one for sure, I'm going to give
to you.
Oh, man.
You know, I have my eye on it.
Did you enjoy your trip here to New York City?
Oh, yes.
Have you ever been here before?
No.
Are you enjoying what you see?
Yes.
How are things in Alaska?
Everything all right now?
Oh, yes.
Okay.
Well, thank you for bringing your cabbage.
Nice meeting you.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you.
Well, thank you, Cynthia.
Nice to see you.
Thank you.
Nice to see you as well.
Thank you.
All right.
Here they are, these giant Alaskan vegetables.
We'll be right back, folks.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back.
the show i knew the giant alaskan vegetables would be good i didn't know they'd
be that good that good
it's amazing and apparently they didn't know that they were going to grow them
that large they just
planted them and boom there they were unbelievable yeah what a way to kick off
a show exactly my
thoughts exactly paul that's exactly what i was thinking what are you what are
you a mind reader
that's exactly what i was thinking