Name: Anton Fig Expiration Date Guess Collection on Letterman, Aug.-Sept. 1990
Uploaded: 2018-09-18T04:49:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Anton Fig Expiration Date Guess Collection on Letterman, Aug.-Sept. 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Anton Fig Expiration Date Guess Collection on Letterman, Aug.-Sept. 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-18. Transcript available.

Anton Fig Expiration Date Guess Collection on Letterman, Aug.-Sept. 1990

Thank you David, did you see Maria Shriver's new show last night?
No, was it on last night?
Yeah, it debuted last night.
She's got the cutest way of saying the title of her own show.
What is the name of the show?
Cutting Edge.
Cutting Edge?
Not Cutting Edge.
What does it say?
Cutting, Cutting Edge.
Can you spell that for me?
C-U-T-T.
Uh-huh.
E-E-N.
Oh, Cutting Edge.
She says it over and over again.
It's just the cutest thing.
How's the show?
Cutting Edge.
Is that the bonehead husband of hers on that program?
No, it's her own show, and if I may say...
I wish that guy were here right now.
I'd teach him a thing or two.
You'll take him right down.
Yeah.
I know.
It's absolutely Cutting Edge.
Cutting Edge, and you enjoyed it?
I enjoyed it very much, especially the way she kept saying the title of the
show.
Which is, again, Cutting Edge.
Cutting Edge, yeah.
Do you own one of them videotape machines, a VCR?
I have a VCR, yes.
I got a question for you.
I got one Christmas, I guess.
I got one for Christmas.
I didn't have one, and then I got one.
And so you know what you can do is you can go into these stores.
They have these video stores, and you can go in and you can rent movies.
And you can bring them home, and you can watch them right there in the comfort
of your own home.
And you don't have to worry about waiting in line to get a ticket to go in to
see the movie.
And the floor is not sticky in your own home, or not supposed to be sticky.
Speak for yourself.
So, Cutting Edge.
Yes.
Cutting Edge.
And it is, really.
Cutting Edge.
So, I have a question.
I've been renting these things for the last couple of months.
And before every movie, a little thing, a little warning comes up.
It's an FBI warning.
Right.
It says it's a federal offense to videotape the movie.
Now, the question I have, is it okay just to videotape that warning?
The warning.
Is that a federal offense, too?
That's a tough question.
I can't answer that question.
What's the matter?
What's going on?
What's wrong?
Did you hear something?
Something going on over in New Jersey?
Something in New Jersey.
Hang on.
Oh, man.
Looks like a...
What did that look like to you, Paul?
Wow, it's like a big tornado.
It looked like a twister, didn't it?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, you couldn't have picked a better night to tune in
because this evening
we are starting a brand new feature right here on the program.
It's called Anton Figg's Expiration Date Guest.
There's our drummer right there, Anton Figg.
Now, we'll...
Yeah, sure.
Here's how this works.
Anton, put on the blindfold.
All right, Anton slips on the blindfold.
Now, may I have tonight's perishable item, please?
There it is, right there.
Anton, I can tell you only that tonight's perishable item is homogenized milk.
Anton Figg's Expiration Date Guest.
Here we go.
All right, Anton.
May I have your guess, please?
I'm going to say it expires on August 19th.
August 19th.
May we see the actual date of expiration, please?
And it is August 22nd.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Anton.
You were very, very close.
A nice try.
Thank you very much.
How'd you like to guess the expiration date on the dress?
There you go.
Think about that.
There.
Yeah.
Summer of love right here.
Here's your summer of love.
Well, let's see.
Now, we're going to do that every night, Anton.
And you'll try and guess the expiration date.
Okay.
Are you excited?
Very.
Are you eager?
Absolutely.
Do you feel challenged?
Yes, I do.
Do you feel fulfilled?
Here we go.
Cutting edge.
That's right.
Mr. Letterman.
How are you doing?
I'm doing marvelously, sir.
How are you, sir?
I'm pretty good.
Are you having a good day?
I'm having a good...
So far, so good, yes.
Yeah, good, good.
And you, sir?
I'm having a great day.
Fabulous.
I'm very happy because I believe that we have nearly broken the back of summer
here in New York City.
Yeah, it's almost over.
Yesterday was nice, and today is a little less nice.
Yeah, a little muggy.
But I think that long eight-week period of relentless, insufferable, nasty, hot
humidity
and haze is about to go.
See, I love that kind of weather.
Oh, really?
That's my favorite kind of weather.
You see, guys on the street, it's so hot, their tattoos are running.
That's what I love.
See, up north in Canada, we don't get any kind of...
If we get two days of 75 degrees...
Well, that's fine.
...they're saying, boy, we're having a great summer.
Oh, man, hot.
Now, like yesterday when I left the building, the air was very soft, the sky
was a deep
blue, and it was very nice.
It was lovely, yeah.
It was like 60, 65, 66 degrees in the evening.
It was very nice.
I don't mind that.
If we'd have that all year round, is this the dullest conversation you've ever
listened
to?
What are we doing here?
What's going on on the big show?
Oh, oh, I almost forgot.
Last night, this...
Damn.
Last night, we started a brand new segment on the program, and frankly, the
phones have
not stopped ringing off the hook.
We're going to do it again tonight.
What is it?
Huh?
What?
What'd you say?
Huh?
You say something to me?
No, no.
You said something, though.
What'd you say?
What'd you say?
You said something.
I can't wait for this part of the show.
There you go.
That's what he said.
He said he can't wait for this part of the show.
Anyway, it's called Anton Figg.
Anton Figg is our drummer, and it's called Anton Figg's Expiration Date Guess.
Here we go.
Okay, now, Anton, is your blindfold in place?
All right.
May we have tonight's perishable item, please?
All right, Anton, I can only tell you that tonight's perishable item is a New
York State
Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese.
He's tasting it now.
He's considering the expiration date.
I'm going to go with September the 15th.
September 15th.
All right.
Thank you, Anton.
Excellent guess.
May we see the actual expiration date of the cheese, please?
And it is September 24th.
Very, very close, Anton.
I'm terribly sorry.
Nice try, though.
Man.
I love this segment.
Me, too.
Now, what are we doing?
Oh, oh, this would be good, too.
Paul, a little dialing music.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
And may I share, may I share the generous applause with the winners of the
Grand Prix of Horn Agility.
Greg Adams, Lee Thornburg, Dr. Stephen Kupka, Tom Timko, Emilio Castillo, the
Tower of Power, Porn.
Ladies and gentlemen.
They're here.
We got it.
Let me guess.
Let me guess.
This is only a guess.
The uniforms still have not arrived?
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, earlier this week, we began a brand-new segment on this
program.
And I don't think you understand how exhilarating it is for us.
We've been on the air a long time.
And when we come up with something that's as successful and exciting for us
here in the studio as well as you home viewers,
there is nothing to compare with that sense of exhilaration.
Am I right, Paul?
It's a rush, we used to say.
So tonight, installment number three of something we like to call Anton Figg's
expiration date guest.
There's Anton Figg.
All right.
Okay, here's how we play this.
And Anton, is the blindfold in place?
Yes, it is.
All right, the blindfold is in place.
May we have tonight's perishable item, please?
There's the perishable item lady.
All right.
Anton, I can only tell you that the perishable item that you'll be guessing
about tonight is strawberry yogurt.
There you go.
Anton Figg.
Expiration date guest sampling the strawberry yogurt.
I'm going to say September 10th.
September 10th.
May we see the actual date of expiration on the strawberry yogurt.
And that date is 9, 10, 90, September 10th.
Right on the...
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
All right, all right.
How's it going?
Yeah.
Good for you.
You know, Paul, the toughest part about that, he has to give himself his own
drum roll there in the middle of it.
I know.
Well, dexterous.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he guesses the proper information.
You know, to me, I think the perishable item lady looks familiar.
Do you recognize her from somewhere?
No.
Never seen her before.
Like maybe dinner last night?
Never seen her before.
Never seen her before.
Uh, it's the strangest sensation.
I feel I've seen the perishable item lady somewhere before.
What do you mean?
Like you feel you might know what she's got underneath?
Yeah, dinner or something.
What she's wearing underneath the dress or something?
The, uh, the presentation of tonight's...
Oh, did I tell you tonight's viewer mail night?
Now, this is serious.
This is actual viewer mail, and we answer them from actual viewers, and here we
go.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you so much.
Paul, nice to see you.
It's nice to see you.
It's nice to be back.
Before we begin our little discussion here, let me ask you one personal
question.
Sir.
Does it look to you like I might have been in the Dave Clark Five at one time
in my life?
Uh, we do have that sort of styling, yes.
Yeah, a little bit.
How was your vacation?
I had a nice time.
Did you do anything special?
Nothing much.
Uh, I traveled a little bit, watched some TV, got married, and, uh...
What?
Nothing too much.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Paul.
What?
You did what?
Oh, I traveled around.
I got married, and, uh, just...
Uh, just did a, uh, a few things.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
No, actually, if I may make the official...
Sure.
I married, uh, I married the lovely Kathy Vasipoli.
Kathy Vasipoli, who worked on this program for a few years?
She's worked on and off on this program.
She's a fabulous talent coordinator kind of chick.
And, uh...
And what kind of talent is she coordinating for you?
Well, uh, never mind that.
Hey, stop it.
Hey, hey.
It, uh, I feel very grown up.
I'm proud of myself.
I got a great gal, and, uh...
Are you enjoying it?
Do you feel differently being married?
Of course not.
You've known her for a long time, haven't you?
No, we dated her for quite some time, yes.
And what did you do on your vacation?
I'm sorry, your honeymoon.
This wasn't a vacation for you, Paul.
This was your...
That's right.
It was a vacation for me.
It was a honeymoon.
Yeah.
We went to Paris and certain points in the south of France.
We had a lovely, uh, romantic time.
I found out the difference, though, the main difference between Paris and New
York.
Uh-huh.
The film, the fabulous Baker Boys was playing over there.
Uh-huh.
But over there, it's called Suzy, A.L. Baker Boys.
Absolutely true.
The French know where the money is.
Suzy and the Baker Boys.
I see, yeah, yeah.
Baker Boys in small print.
Well, that's great.
And congratulations to you.
Now, the band, I guess, is not in on this at all, are they?
Well, I didn't marry the band.
No, of course not.
What do you mean by that?
I don't know.
I was just, uh, looking for some kind of cheap joke there.
No.
And me, ask me, what did I do on my...
What did you do on your vacation?
Ask me again, what did I do on my vacation?
What did you do on your vacation?
150 on the Autobahn.
Get real!
Thank you.
I couldn't do that.
Thank you.
You were, uh...
You were in Deutschland then?
Yeah, for a little bit.
And they have no...
No, the Autobahn over there is just like I-95.
No speed limits over there.
No speed limits.
And it's just like I-95, except 130 will get you booted out of the fast lane.
Right.
So you were in your glory over there.
This was, this was nuts.
I got a car now.
I got a car that'll go 180 miles an hour.
Here in, in the country?
No, no.
Over there in Germany.
Oh, you have a car you...
I mean, I rented it.
It's not like I'm...
Yes, I'm keeping a car over there.
Keep a car over there?
So you had a car that would go 180.
180, maybe 190.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Depending on the kind of luggage you bring along.
But depending on, depending on what you have in the glove box.
Yeah.
And they let you just open it up wide out there?
Yeah.
So, so now I'm blowing along in the Autobahn.
I'm going like 130.
I think this is plenty fast.
I think to myself, ha!
This is plenty fast.
I would say.
I got tickets for going like 60.
Well, we know that.
Over there, I'm doing 130, and I think this is fine.
Now, a guy comes up behind me in a Mercedes.
Not any k