Name: Dave's Voice on Late Show, April 29, 2009
Uploaded: 2018-09-21T00:55:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Voice on Late Show, April 29, 2009' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dave's Voice on Late Show, April 29, 2009' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-21. Transcript available.

From New York to the greatest city in the world, it's the Late Show with Dave
and Letterman.
Tonight Jennifer Garner, the CEO of Tesla Motors Elon Musk and musical group
Manchester Orchestra.
Plus Paul Schaefer and the CBS Orchestra.
And now, D-list star with an A-list bond, Dave.
Dave the Letterman.
And now, D-list star with an A-list star.
D-list star with an A-list star with an A-list star with an A-list star.
D-list star with an A-list star with an A-list star with an A-list star.
-Thank you.
-Seriously, thank you very much.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Late Show.
It's the Pontiac of comedy.
There's nothing wrong with me. There's something wrong with your set.
A beautiful day here in New York City, wasn't it?
Cold. Cold this morning. So cold I was wearing two swine flu masks.
You got that swine flu? New Yorkers are being very careful.
You got to be careful with the swine flu.
I'm walking through Central Park today, and I saw --
Honest to God, this is a true story.
I saw a squirrel...
...putting Purell on his nuts.
Here are the symptoms now. You got to be very cautious.
Nausea. Lethargy. Disinterest.
Oh, my God. Everybody in last night's audience had this.
Remember that? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
And, you know, they're saying non-essential air travel.
Forget about non-essential air travel.
That's what the government is saying.
And here's an example of non-essential air travel.
It would be, you know, flying Air Force One really low over New York City.
Thank you. Thank you.
Non-essential.
Hey, how about this? Baseball fans?
Oh, God. This is --
Yankees have slashed their ticket prices.
It's great news, because that means now that a family of four
can go to Yankee Stadium and watch the Yankees lose for $5,000.
It's an incredible deal.
An incredible deal.
But that's not all.
If you can hit 230 or higher, you can sit in the dugout.
It's a tremendous deal.
How many do we have left, Tony?
Six.
Six?
Hey, you like celebrity birthdays?
Yeah!
Uh, Bernie Madoff turned 71 years old today.
Happy birthday.
That's his first birthday in prison.
149 to go.
Five?
Yes.
I thought this was nice.
All the guys got together and tapped happy birthday on the pipes.
Then --
Then Bernie had a romantic dinner with his new wife, Walt.
Five?
You said -- You said five before.
He, he, he, he.
Kind of wrong.
Yeah.
Okay.
When -- when we get to four, it's -- it's your turn.
All right?
President Obama is celebrating his first 100 days in office.
How about that?
First thing it is.
I mean, I don't -- I don't care whether you're a Democrat or a Republican.
This guy has really had quite a lot to deal with.
I mean, let's take a look at the list.
Recession.
Uh, two wars.
Uh, swine flu.
Uh, runaway Air Force One.
Please.
You should -- you should have taken over then.
I'll just hold them up when you read these.
Because this is making everybody --
Because this is making everybody --
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right, go ahead.
Anytime you're ready.
President Obama's approval rating is 68%.
Well, that was before he decided to attack New York.
Obama's celebrating a hundred days in office.
Productive a hundred days for Obama.
He already got Arlen Specter and Lizzie Lohan to switch parties.
Experts give Obama B-plus for his first 100 days in office.
And they give President Bush an A-plus for his first 100 days of retirement.
Okay. Hold on to your pants.
Hold on to your pants.
Hold on to your pants!
Hold on to your pants!
You always say that.
Hold on to your pants!
Hold on to your pants!
Hold on to your pants!
That's the last one.
The last one.
Sad news.
General Motors shutting down production of Pontiacs.
No more Pontiacs.
I love the beautiful interiors.
Mm-hmm.
Padded panels.
Mm-hmm.
Balanced ride.
Five-passenger seating.
Rear suspension.
No, wait.
That's Pamela Anderson.
What else do we have?
Let's read that one.
Hey, you know, the Air Force One flew over New York City and scared everybody.
The White House has an apology.
Hang on to your pants.
Hang on to your pants.
The White House apologizes for alarming New York City with Monday's Air Force
One fly-by.
To make it up to the Big Apple, the White House is sending Air Force One back
to give all New York
Yorkers one of these.
Free steak knives.
The White House is sending Air Force One back to give all New Yorkers one of
these.
Free steak knives.
The White House is sending Air Force One back to give all New Yorkers one of
these.
Free steak knives.
The White House.
When you're here, you're family.
Okay.
Now.
Now.
Now.
Now.
Now.
Now.
Now.
Now.
The White House apologizes for alarming New York City with Monday's Air Force
One flyby.
To make it up to the Big Apple, the White House is sending Air Force One back
to give all New Yorkers one of these.
Free steak knives.
The White House. When you're here, you're family.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know, because of the economy, even the Bronx Zoo is laying off animals.
You get that? Okay.
But we're doing our part.
Yeah, watch this.
Hold on to your pants.
Was that yours?
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to our good friend, Paul Schaefer.
Hold on to your pants.
On the program tonight, Jennifer Garner. We'll be right back, everybody.
Coming up, Top Ten Reasons, Ireland Specter, Switched Parties, and Jennifer Garner.
Did you know Jennifer Garner played Detective Jim Rockford on the Rockford Files?
We'll be right back.
The category tonight, Top Ten Reasons, Ireland Specter, I'm trying.
The category tonight, Top Ten Reasons, Ireland Specter. I'm trying.
Yeah, no, and it works.
I'm looking for a gear that works here.
It is, down in the lower area.
Top Ten Reasons, Ireland Specter, Switched Parties.
Lower, lower.
He's scaring me. He's scaring me.
Well, it is.
I'm telling you, lower.
It's a big story in the world of politics.
Yeah, yes.
Ireland Specter, a Republican, now wants to be a Democrat.
Top Ten Reasons, he wants to do that.
Here we go, number ten.
Heard the Democratic Lounges vending machine had nutrageous bars.
Why don't you do this?
Really?
Seriously, come over.
Do you have a microphone?
Do you have a microphone?
Number nine.
Number nine.
Number nine.
I'll be glad to do it.
As soon as a microphone gets, somewhere in my vicinity.
Number nine.
Number nine.
Number nine.
When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning.
Yeah.
Number eight.
Number eight.
Just read them all.
Go through with them all.
GOP wouldn't give them the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding.
Number seven.
Number seven.
Wanted free video iPod from Obama.
Number six.
Same reason 10 million other Republican switched parties last November.
But number five.
Bring that down here.
How about that?
Yeah.
Do you have something?
No, it's just a prop.
Number five.
Pirates.
Number four.
No number four.
Writer frightened by Air Force One flyby.
Number three.
Was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers.
I didn't know what to say.
Number two.
Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys.
This is the number one reason all inspectors switch parties.
Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
I'm sorry, I know you think all I'm doing is whining tonight, but that number
one didn't make any sense.
It would make sense if he was going to the Republican Party, but he's going to
the Democratic Party.
So it's ambiguous.
At best.
Yeah.
I'm going to ask for a new number one.
Is that possible?
Oh, that's.
Yeah.
So stand by.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm here.
We'll be right back.
We'll be right back again.
We'll be right back again, everybody.
Our first guest stars in a new romantic comedy entitled Ghosts of Girlfriends
Past.
Is that right, Froggy?
Yes, that's right.
It opens on Friday.
Please welcome the lovely, the delightful Jennifer Garner, everyone.
We've got a guy coming on.
This is going to be exciting because here's a guy who is doing something to try
and make
things a little better for the eight billion humans who inhabit this planet.
He has been called the Henry Ford of his generation.
This is ridiculous.
We might as well have an orangutan out here.
He is the CEO.
He is the CEO and chairman.
And product architect for Tesla Motors.
A star is born.
That's the voice.
That's the voice we've been looking for.
That's the voice of the evening.
A star is born.
I am an enormous tool.
Let me tell you something.
You may be going out there, orangutan, but you're coming back.
A star.
Well, we don't have time for this guy.
Oh, no, no, no.
He is the CEO and a chairman and product architect for Tesla Motors, currently
producing the only
highway-capable electric vehicle available in North America.
Please say hello to Elon Musk.
Thank you very much.
Nice to see you.
Thank you very much.
That's a beauty.
That is gorgeous.
And this thing is available in two years.
How much will this cost?
This will have a starting price of $49,900.
Well, there's one very important point worth making about this car.
I'll take you later if you want to.
There's a very important point.
Oh, God, turn it off!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Oh, I'm being electrocuted!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Thank you.
Thank you so very much for being here.
We'll be right back with the Manchester Orchestra, ladies and gentlemen.
And they've invited me to sing with them tonight.
The new album is entitled, Mean Everything to Nothing.
Please welcome back to the program, Manchester Orchestra.
Boy, you guys are good.
That's great.
You guys are excellent.
Good to see you again.
Thank you very much.
I enjoyed that.
Nice going.
Thank you very much.
Great job.
There it is.
Mean Everything to Nothing, Manchester Orchestra.
Thanks for watching.
If you did, Craig Ferguson is next.
Good night, everybody.
Worldwide Leader in Pants.