Name: Top Ten List Intros on Late Show in L.A., May 9-13, 1994
Uploaded: 2018-09-28T03:55:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Top Ten List Intros on Late Show in L.A., May 9-13, 1994' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Top Ten List Intros on Late Show in L.A., May 9-13, 1994' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-28. Transcript available.

Welcome back to the program, kids.
And if you're just joining us tonight and all week, we're coming to you from
Television
City here in lovely Los Angeles, California.
You know, that's good.
I'd like to see it.
This is a very bright audience, many of them recognizing their own hometown.
Yes, indeed.
Good to see that.
Perfect.
You know, I'm still steamed about that Carson thing.
What do you mean?
Well, like it would have killed him to at least call AAA or something.
Drove right by.
I know.
Never heard of it.
On the big broadcast this evening, Billy Crystal and Ray Charles.
Let me try one thing.
Have you seen our lovely pool, ladies and gentlemen?
Isn't that beautiful?
In fact, I believe it was 1984 when the Summer Olympics were held here.
This was an Olympic venue.
Right there.
Let me just try one thing here.
We're not sure if this is going to work or if it'll work well or not at all.
Let me just try one thing.
It's the damn neighbor's dog again, Paul.
Here, get the pencil.
He's looking for it.
Get the...
Wait a minute.
Here.
Here.
Here, girl.
Here.
Wait a second.
Where is it?
Here it is.
Here.
Here.
Right here.
Here.
Oh, no.
Oh, what are you going to do now?
You know what?
Oh, what?
Well, I didn't wait an hour after lunch.
No, I know.
You're supposed to.
Perhaps.
Man, I'm telling you, that's one bright dog, ain't it?
Well, this is going to be wildly unpleasant for the next hour.
Oh, you got electrocuted that way.
Oh, man.
Yeah, you seem pretty concerned, Paul.
Of course I am.
Thanks for throwing yourself in front of me.
Well, a man does what he has to do.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, oh, oh, oh, this is another exciting surprise.
Here with tonight's top ten list, the mayor of Los Angeles, California, the
honorable Richard
Reardon.
Mayor, come on in.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor, thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Something in that burrito wasn't right.
Sweet Lord, I'm going down.
Good night, suckers.
We should have had him get the pencil and the dog bringing the list.
Ladies and gentlemen, from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, here is tonight's
top ten list.
That's the category.
Yes, sir.
Hi, how are you, ladies and gentlemen?
Nice to see you.
Welcome back to the big program coming to you each and every night from a
lovely television
city here in Los Angeles, California.
Paul, I hope this is not going to be a problem all night, but I couldn't help
but notice that
Slash, our new friend, during that commercial, well, now he's smoking.
Please, talk to the band, Paul.
This is a non-smoking flight, Slash.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
There's nobody smoking in here.
Why don't you guys play a little something?
Go ahead.
And also, Paul, he was standing on the equipment.
Oh, yeah, well, Lance, we love that.
We love that stuff.
On the big broadcast tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Keaton is here,
Angela Lansbury, and
Slash, over there with Guns N' Roses.
Okay, this is exciting for us.
Here with tonight's top ten list, six-time NBA Most Valuable Player and all-time
NBA Scoring
champion and Los Angeles Lakers legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Kareem.
Watch it, light a minute, I'll slam your...
Watch it, light a minute, I'll slam your...
Was you having some trouble there, Kareem?
Yes, yes, I am.
Let's try one more.
Here, let me see.
Let me see.
Maybe the cards aren't big enough.
I don't know.
Watch it, light a minute, or I'll slam your goat.
You're going to have to stop printing so tiny.
Yes.
Let's say it together now.
Let's...
Everybody say it.
Watch it, light a minute, or I'll slam, dunk your goofy ass.
Thank you very much.
That's all right.
That's all right.
I got it.
Have a nice time.
Bye-bye.
He, he, he, he, he, he.
We should never have told him what time the flight from New York was.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of headaches.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of headaches.
The category from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, of tonight's top ten
list, ladies and gentlemen.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
Welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
James Caan is here, David Copperfield, with an amazing illusion.
Oh, boy.
I don't want you folks to think you're going to see some card trick here.
No.
It's not just a card trick.
It's not like, hey, guess the card.
It's not like that.
He's not pulling a rabbit out of nothing, either.
No.
This is an illusion.
It's an amazing illusion.
I saw it in rehearsal, and I'm still dumb.
Oh, I love it.
It knocked several IQ points out of my head when I saw it.
It did.
I just...
Hey.
Good job.
Let me serve as a warning for you here.
This is no card trick, kids.
No.
This is a damn illusion.
Also on the program tonight, Julia Louis-Dreyfus from the...
And, and, and, and, and, did I mention live via the giant CBS satellite all the
way
from Indianapolis, Indiana, my mom.
Got to find out what mom's been doing since she was in Norway.
Oh, that'll be nice.
You know, mom was over there for two weeks covering the Olympics for us.
Mom's back tonight.
Let's see what she's up to.
Yeah.
Yeah, when you really need the heat, call in mom.
Ladies and gentlemen, here now with tonight's top ten list, please welcome
Academy Award winning
director of Unforgiven, Hollywood acting legend, Clint Eastwood. Clint.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Clint.
Well...
Nice to see you.
You too.
Thank you.
Well, if it ain't the good, the bad, and the darky.
Oh.
Ah, ha, ha, ha.
Hasta la vista, suckers.
I didn't realize he was so short.
No, I didn't.
I didn't know that.
Ah, ha, ha.
The category tonight of the top ten list from the home office in Sioux City,
Iowa.
Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
Okay, everybody take your pants off.
It just doesn't make any difference anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have here on my left hand a copy of tonight's Tom Temney.
Let's go.
Man, I can't believe you can say things like that on television these days.
Can you really say them?
Because as you know, when I began in television years and years ago,
you couldn't even say biscuit.
No.
You never want to.
I never understood that, but you couldn't.
You just, for years, couldn't go near the word biscuit.
Yeah.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
I want to tell you something.
Tonight's show is so good.
This program we have planned for you here tonight, that it makes it so easy.
Let me give you an idea how easy tonight's show is because it's so good.
It's so easy, I can host it.
Easy.
On the program, Bette Midler and Traffic reuniting for us right here at CBS
Television City.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here with tonight's top ten list, the host of
The Tonight Show for 30 years, Johnny Carson.
Johnny.
You're worth every penny, pinhead.
You're worth every penny, pinhead.
Good night, suckers.
Well, right up to that point, it was so easy I could host it.
All right, tonight's top ten list from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa.
Oh, this is not the list.
Johnny, can I have the top ten list?
Oh, this is not the list.
Oh, this is not the list.
It's not the list.
Oh, this is not the list.
Oh, this is not the list.
Oh, this is not the list.
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I thought for a second there he was going to pull out the car neck turban.
Almost, yeah.
And we'd be off and running.
I was ready.
Man, that was great.
Yeah.
That was great.
Man, it's still a little warm.
I wish a little of that would rub off on me.
Yeah.
Wow.
Well, of course, our thanks to Johnny Carson.
That was pretty cool, wasn't it, Paul?
Great guy.
Great guy.
Great guy to come by.
What has he been doing, by the way?
I, uh, should have asked him.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, uh, we just have to keep going here.
From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, hand-delivered by Johnny Carson,
here is tonight's top message.

Top Ten List Intros on Late Show in L.A., May 9-13, 1994

Welcome back to the program, kids.
And if you're just joining us tonight and all week, we're coming to you from
Television
City here in lovely Los Angeles, California.
You know, that's good.
I'd like to see it.
This is a very bright audience, many of them recognizing their own hometown.
Yes, indeed.
Good to see that.
Perfect.
You know, I'm still steamed about that Carson thing.
What do you mean?
Well, like it would have killed him to at least call AAA or something.
Drove right by.
I know.
Never heard of it.
On the big broadcast this evening, Billy Crystal and Ray Charles.
Let me try one thing.
Have you seen our lovely pool, ladies and gentlemen?
Isn't that beautiful?
In fact, I believe it was 1984 when the Summer Olympics were held here.
This was an Olympic venue.
Right there.
Let me just try one thing here.
We're not sure if this is going to work or if it'll work well or not at all.
Let me just try one thing.
It's the damn neighbor's dog again, Paul.
Here, get the pencil.
He's looking for it.
Get the...
Wait a minute.
Here.
Here.
Here, girl.
Here.
Wait a second.
Where is it?
Here it is.
Here.
Here.
Right here.
Here.
Oh, no.
Oh, what are you going to do now?
You know what?
Oh, what?
Well, I didn't wait an hour after lunch.
No, I know.
You're supposed to.
Perhaps.
Man, I'm telling you, that's one bright dog, ain't it?
Well, this is going to be wildly unpleasant for the next hour.
Oh, you got electrocuted that way.
Oh, man.
Yeah, you seem pretty concerned, Paul.
Of course I am.
Thanks for throwing yourself in front of me.
Well, a man does what he has to do.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, oh, oh, oh, this is another exciting surprise.
Here with tonight's top ten list, the mayor of Los Angeles, California, the
honorable Richard
Reardon.
Mayor, come on in.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor, thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Something in that burrito wasn't right.
Sweet Lord, I'm going down.
Good night, suckers.
We should have had him get the pencil and the dog bringing the list.
Ladies and gentlemen, from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, here is tonight's
top ten list.
That's the category.
Yes, sir.
Hi, how are you, ladies and gentlemen?
Nice to see you.
Welcome back to the big program coming to you each and every night from a
lovely television
city here in Los Angeles, California.
Paul, I hope this is not going to be a problem all night, but I couldn't help
but notice that
Slash, our new friend, during that commercial, well, now he's smoking.
Please, talk to the band, Paul.
This is a non-smoking flight, Slash.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
There's nobody smoking in here.
Why don't you guys play a little something?
Go ahead.
And also, Paul, he was standing on the equipment.
Oh, yeah, well, Lance, we love that.
We love that stuff.
On the big broadcast tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Keaton is here,
Angela Lansbury, and
Slash, over there with Guns N' Roses.
Okay, this is exciting for us.
Here with tonight's top ten list, six-time NBA Most Valuable Player and all-time
NBA Scoring
champion and Los Angeles Lakers legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Kareem.
Watch it, light a minute, I'll slam your...
Watch it, light a minute, I'll slam your...
Was you having some trouble there, Kareem?
Yes, yes, I am.
Let's try one more.
Here, let me see.
Let me see.
Maybe the cards aren't big enough.
I don't know.
Watch it, light a minute, or I'll slam your goat.
You're going to have to stop printing so tiny.
Yes.
Let's say it together now.
Let's...
Everybody say it.
Watch it, light a minute, or I'll slam, dunk your goofy ass.
Thank you very much.
That's all right.
That's all right.
I got it.
Have a nice time.
Bye-bye.
He, he, he, he, he, he.
We should never have told him what time the flight from New York was.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of headaches.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of headaches.
The category from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, of tonight's top ten
list, ladies and gentlemen.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
We could have saved ourselves a lot of applause.
Welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
James Caan is here, David Copperfield, with an amazing illusion.
Oh, boy.
I don't want you folks to think you're going to see some card trick here.
No.
It's not just a card trick.
It's not like, hey, guess the card.
It's not like that.
He's not pulling a rabbit out of nothing, either.
No.
This is an illusion.
It's an amazing illusion.
I saw it in rehearsal, and I'm still dumb.
Oh, I love it.
It knocked several IQ points out of my head when I saw it.
It did.
I just...
Hey.
Good job.
Let me serve as a warning for you here.
This is no card trick, kids.
No.
This is a damn illusion.
Also on the program tonight, Julia Louis-Dreyfus from the...
And, and, and, and, and, did I mention live via the giant CBS satellite all the
way
from Indianapolis, Indiana, my mom.
Got to find out what mom's been doing since she was in Norway.
Oh, that'll be nice.
You know, mom was over there for two weeks covering the Olympics for us.
Mom's back tonight.
Let's see what she's up to.
Yeah.
Yeah, when you really need the heat, call in mom.
Ladies and gentlemen, here now with tonight's top ten list, please welcome
Academy Award winning
director of Unforgiven, Hollywood acting legend, Clint Eastwood. Clint.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Clint.
Well...
Nice to see you.
You too.
Thank you.
Well, if it ain't the good, the bad, and the darky.
Oh.
Ah, ha, ha, ha.
Hasta la vista, suckers.
I didn't realize he was so short.
No, I didn't.
I didn't know that.
Ah, ha, ha.
The category tonight of the top ten list from the home office in Sioux City,
Iowa.
Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
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Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
Oh, it's a good one.
Okay, everybody take your pants off.
It just doesn't make any difference anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have here on my left hand a copy of tonight's Tom Temney.
Let's go.
Man, I can't believe you can say things like that on television these days.
Can you really say them?
Because as you know, when I began in television years and years ago,
you couldn't even say biscuit.
No.
You never want to.
I never understood that, but you couldn't.
You just, for years, couldn't go near the word biscuit.
Yeah.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
I want to tell you something.
Tonight's show is so good.
This program we have planned for you here tonight, that it makes it so easy.
Let me give you an idea how easy tonight's show is because it's so good.
It's so easy, I can host it.
Easy.
On the program, Bette Midler and Traffic reuniting for us right here at CBS
Television City.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here with tonight's top ten list, the host of
The Tonight Show for 30 years, Johnny Carson.
Johnny.
You're worth every penny, pinhead.
You're worth every penny, pinhead.
Good night, suckers.
Well, right up to that point, it was so easy I could host it.
All right, tonight's top ten list from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa.
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Johnny, can I have the top ten list?
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