Name: Viewer Mail & Dalmatians! on Letterman, January 8, 1993
Uploaded: 2018-10-04T02:51:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail & Dalmatians! on Letterman, January 8, 1993' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail & Dalmatians! on Letterman, January 8, 1993' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-04. Transcript available.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Dave, I'm the host of the
program, welcome to the show, thanks for dialing us up here tonight.
Today, are you aware of this, today is Elvis Presley's 58th birthday. Elvis
Presley's 58th birthday, yeah, that's right.
58th birthday, Elvis Presley. Elvis celebrated quietly at home with friends.
It's interesting, now that the Bush administration is winding down, various
cabinet members are talking about the accomplishments of the administration.
Lawrence Eagleburger, Secretary of State, this afternoon was talking about all
of the foreign policy and domestic advancements under the Bush administration.
Coincidentally, it was during the Bush years that the White House commissary
started serving Eagle Burgers.
Did you know this?
Maybe not.
I'm a little nervous tonight, my fiancé is in the audience.
Thank you.
We're going to the Poconos.
Hey, meteorologically speaking, have you heard about the big storms in Los
Angeles, California?
Southern California, deluged with big seasonal storms out there.
Here's what happens.
They get these low-pressure disturbances over the Pacific, and they kind of
stall there around Southern California, and they just pound that community with
a lot of rain.
And they're having trouble with slides, mudslides.
In fact, it's really gotten so bad, officials have advised Cher to keep her
face inside.
So Dan Quayle apparently trying to sneak one last little deal in here before he
leaves office.
Apparently, over the Christmas holidays, he was skiing in Colorado.
So he and some buddies decide what they'll do is they'll get an Air Force jet
to fly them when they're done skiing in Colorado to play golf in Arizona.
Ah.
Yeah, yeah.
I see.
Maybe this guy is presidential material after all.
Did I mention my fiancé is in the audience?
I've never been more deeply in love.
I'm an idiot.
I'm thrilled for you.
I'm 45 years old.
I got a suit on.
I stand here in front of the camera, and I scream things like that.
Absolutely.
More power to you.
On the program this evening, ladies and gentlemen, Michael McKean, a fine actor
and one of the members of Spinal Tap, is joining us.
First, that's my future brother-in-law right there in the sweatshirt right
there.
Hey, Dave, hey, hey, come on, Dave.
Not really all that amused, is he?
Nice to have you in the family, Dave.
Also on the program this evening, she's been with us before, eh?
Oh, one of our favorites, Chaka Khan, is here tonight.
Is there any trouble at the reception?
I'll handle it.
Okay, Dave?
My brother-in-law.
Yeah, well, be nice to him.
You want to ingratiate yourself with the family.
Yeah, you betcha.
Also on the program this evening, from the MTV and the Today Show, Tabitha Soren.
What a lovely show.
Hey, let's say hello to our friend, Paul Schaefer.
He's right over here.
Thanks, everybody.
Thank you.
David, will you do me one favor?
Yeah, what is it, buddy?
Can I be first to kiss the bride?
Yeah.
Oh, sure.
Well, it's up to the lovely Marie.
Whatever.
What is it?
Maria.
Maria.
Maria.
Of course, I just call her Marie sometimes.
That shows you how much in love we are.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Friday night.
We have a delightful program for you, and we're going to begin it tonight, as
we always
do on Friday, by answering our viewer mail.
This is actual letters, and they've been sent in from actual viewers, and I
believe it's
this show and 60 Minutes are the only two shows in existence now that actually
answers
their viewer mail.
There may be a couple in Europe, but I don't really know.
A little coffee here to kick things off.
Cartoons.
Hanna-Barbera.
You can't beat it.
You can't beat those sounds.
Letter number one.
Letter number one.
Dear Dave, the other day I was in the mall, and all of a sudden I thought I was
a fish
hook.
Has this ever happened to you or Paul?
Rod Harris, Hoover, Alabama.
Well, that's an interesting letter.
Oh, okay.
The brown acid is bad.
Stay away from the brown acid.
It's no good.
And now, Country Joe and the fish.
Thank you.
Do you, Dave, take Maria?
Larry, get away from the punch.
You should be parking cars, pal.
Could I be just a little more annoying?
Hey, huh?
Huh?
What do you mean, no?
Dear Dave, letter number two begins, why, when you were going to sit after the
monologue,
oh, this is a question about the operational procedure of the show.
Or the procedural operation of the show.
After the monologue, you go, the camera takes a shot of Paul instead of just
following you.
What do you do in those few seconds that the television viewing public cannot
see you?
My cousin and I have been mystified with it for the longest time.
This comes from Richard Diaz and Lillian Salazar.
It took two people to write this letter.
I know what they're talking about.
When I introduce Paul, like I just did here, let me recreate this and I'll show
you.
Okay, now this is a rare behind-the-scenes glimpse into big-time show business,
or as big-time as we get here at NBC.
Hey, Dave, you need another eight-pack?
No, we're okay, Larry, don't worry, everything's fine.
I introduce Paul right here.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, the camera.
All right, normally the camera takes that shot of Paul.
Now, while that camera is on, I walk over here to the bookshelf, I pick up this
copy of TV's Alice, Linda Lavin,
and I give her a gentle kiss.
Oh, thank you very much.
That's the procedural operation behind that.
Letter number three.
Hey, Dave, we all know your goofy face from watching it on TV,
but if the NBC nurse removed your brain and put it in a jar,
could we tell the difference from, say, Paul's brain?
Excellent question.
Scientifically, Kevin Gillen, University of Chicago.
You know, oddly enough, this afternoon when the letter came in, we tried this.
We had a little brain experiment up in the NBC medical laboratory,
and we were going to see if there were any differences between Paul's brain and
mine.
Roll the videotape, and I think you'll see a surprisingly noticeable difference
here.
Roll it, Hal.
Watch this.
Okay.
test 31, cashews.
You sure do love your cashews.
Oh, man, I love, nobody loves cashews more than I do.
Paul, since they put your brain back in your head, have you felt anything?
You feel funny?
I feel a little funny.
What about you?
Yeah, I feel like I'm always going to sneeze.
Just about to sneeze.
Yeah.
That's it.
Letter number four.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, hang on to yourselves.
Get ready for real TV entertainment.
Letter number four.
What time is it?
Dave Nelson, Sacramento, California.
Dave, the question, what time is it?
What time is it?
It's time for Dalmatians.
Turn them loose, boys.
Here they come.
Oh, man.
All right, we're going to do a commercial.
We'll be right back with Michael McKeon.
Thanks for joining us, folks.
All right, we'll be right back with Michael McKeon.
Ladies and gentlemen, every member of tonight's studio audience receives their
very own Dalmatian.
If everybody will please come back into the ballroom, the bride and groom are
going to cut the cake, okay?
That's me doing an impression of my future brother-in-law at the wedding with
his bullhorn.
I'm Country Joe and the Fish or the band?
Okay, out to the parking lot.
They're leaving for their honeymoon now.
Why did we book Country Joe and the Fish at my wedding?
Have you seen your brother-in-law?
Hey, whoa.
No, that was...
Didn't mean nothing.
Oh, you meant nothing by it.
And let's do our top ten list, ladies and gentlemen.
The category tonight, top ten signs, the guy who has pulled you over is not a
real cop.
The man that has pulled you over on the streets and highways of this country is
not a real police officer.
Happens with increasing frequency.
It'd be hard to tell.
Yeah, top ten signs.
Well, that's why we have the little list here for you.
Top ten signs, he's not a cop.
Number ten, he's driving a Mr. Softie truck.
Number nine, nightstick looks suspiciously like one of those really long Slim
Jims.
Number eight, can't fit you in the back of his car because of all of the
chickens.
Or I guess Dalmatians would work there, too.
Number seven, rather than protect and serve, his motto is lift and separate.
Number six, he keeps calling you mommy.
Well, see now there, a guy dressed like a cop calling you mommy has got more
than a couple of problems.
Number five, you're blinded by the glare of his silver cape.
Number four, instead of handcuffs, two onion rings and a rubber band.
Number three, he jumps in the back seat, holds a gun to your head and says,
drive me to Cincinnati.
That's not a cop.
Number two, every other word out of his mouth is Martians.
And the number one sign, the guy who's pulled you over, isn't a real cop, hates
donuts.
There you go.
Hey, how are you?
All right, let's bring out our first guest.
Very nice man, very smart.
You've known this guy for a long time.
Oh, sure, old friend.
Nice, nice man, very funny man, very smart man and a great actor.
Let's just bring him out and see what he can do.
Bring him out here and turn him loose.
Our first guest spent last summer touring the country as David St. Nubbins, the
lead singer, huh?
What?
Oh, I'm sorry, Hubbins, forgive me.
Would a little whiteout kill you?
Really, at this point?
At this point in our careers?
The cash bar is now closed.
Chaka Khan will be out here in a couple of minutes doing a song from her new
Grammy-nominated album.
Is that right?
It's a terrific song, too.
She sounds great.
She'll be out a bit from now.
Also from the MTV.
You folks get the MTV on the cable?
And also, good morning, I'm sorry, the Today Show.
Would a little whiteout kill you?
Tabitha Soren will be here.
Also now, on Monday, ladies and gentlemen, actress Mary Stewart Masterson is
here.
And, uh, well, by all means, ma'am, come back Monday.
John Chancellor is here on Monday, and comedian Paula Poundstone, very funny
woman.
And, uh, and now what?
Now what?
Now what?
Hey, more Dalmatians!
Here we go!
Well, we'll be right back.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.