Name: Richard Lewis's First Appearance on Letterman, February 25, 1982 (fixed)
Uploaded: 2018-10-05T00:27:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Richard Lewis's First Appearance on Letterman, February 25, 1982 (fixed)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Richard Lewis's First Appearance on Letterman, February 25, 1982 (fixed)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-05. Transcript available.

Thank you, Paul.
Music makes me want to hit on a waitress.
I don't know why.
Very nice.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next guest, certainly you may applaud Mr. Schaefer.
How about the band?
Seriously.
How about that band?
Seriously.
I have no idea what you said.
What did you say?
We'll talk later.
My next guest, Richard Lewis.
I've known this gentleman for years and years.
He's a very talented actor.
He's a writer and a fine stand-up comedian.
He's been working at clubs throughout the country.
And he is here in New York City with us this evening.
Please welcome Mr. Richard Lewis.
Richard Lewis, if you ever get a chance.
There's a worm right back.
The condo in my sneaker.
I left for three seconds.
You're nice to see you here.
You're now living in Los Angeles.
And of course, I guess, originally from New York.
Is that true?
It's absolutely true.
And this is a rare trip back to the home territory, huh?
Oh, this is a treat and a half to come back.
You know, there's a lot of responsibilities when you're here for like an hour
and a half.
You know, it's like...
I'm trying to fit in.
I mean, I feel like, you know, not to sound arrogant or anything, but I've
lived here all my life.
I come back to the show.
And I'm going to go back.
And I, you know, I got a call today.
I mean, a guy called me up at the hotel because, you know, you publicize where
we're staying, which is great.
And this guy was angry at me for...
There used to be a game, Prisoner Ball, in second grade.
He used to just try to...
It was really a sadistic game.
He used to try to...
Prisoner Ball?
He just kills many people on the other side.
That's pretty much it.
And he was angry at me.
You know, people harbor these little incidents in their lives.
I have thousands of them.
And this guy, I'm sure he's in therapy about it now, but he chose to call me.
Good luck on The Letterman Show.
And then he says, I hated you.
I hated you for that.
So that's the kind of mood I'm in.
And just that call happened about an hour ago.
But I'm seeing everyone, you know, friends.
You see a lot of relatives, I guess, still back here, huh?
Yeah, my mom, she's...
I'm sure she's...
I don't know what time it is now.
She's probably cooking now, getting ready for the...
It's about 1.11 here in New York.
Tomorrow morning.
That's the only time I have for dinner.
It's going to be like an 8 a.m. dinner tomorrow because I have to leave.
And I'm just getting prepared.
You know, I'm really...
You know, you don't have the...
I'm sure you don't have the kind of...
Well, I know you don't.
But the kind of family that I'm going to be in touch with tomorrow, personally.
I mean, I love them.
You never met them.
I mean, they come out occasionally to L.A.
But my grandfather would be there.
And it'd be like aunt and uncle's mother and all that.
And Yikva, this guy's name, Yikva, he's about 80 years old.
And it's a Yiddish name.
This is his first name?
Well, you see, this is what I don't know about him.
It's a Yiddish name.
It's a Yiddish name.
His name is Phil, which I feel is a sensational name.
Phil.
Phil.
You like Phil?
Phil is not bad.
Yikva.
It means killed by an avalanche in Yiddish.
So he chose that.
It's like an albatross he wanted to wear, you know.
So he's there.
And he pinches us.
Ever since I was a little kid, it's like a habit.
I think it's not just a Jewish thing.
I mean, everybody.
But he used to go for us, you know, pinch our behind.
Yikva.
Yikva, yes.
And so I'm a little uptight about that because it's 8 o'clock tomorrow.
I'm going to have to, you know, always run around the table.
Like practice my D around the table, you know, kind of thing.
And my mother would be cooking.
And I saw half of the relatives today came into the hotel because she publicized
where we stay.
Did we mention the room number also?
No, there's a poster out front.
So they're going to be there.
You know, I was talking to my cousins today.
And, you know, you get to know where your roots are and all that.
You know, because I'm a little, well, everybody's a little crazy.
You know, I know I am and a little neurotic.
And I was looking at my cousins relate to each other.
And it's like, the thing is, they knew the same aunts and uncles I did, which
is not so profound.
But it was just something that interested me when I thought it would only
follow.
Right?
Yeah.
So, I was telling the advice I used to get from my old man.
It used to be crazy.
First of all, Yikva, I used to ask the advice because he's the old guy, the old
Chinese sage.
I used to think that would be so great to have that kind of Chinese mentality
in my house.
And he was about 80 when I was, like, in third grade.
So he wasn't, like, coming to Little League games at that point, you know.
But I said, Yikva, I broke up with someone.
I can't go to the prom or whatever I was saying, you know.
And he would say, literally, he would say, like, you're me, right?
And he'd go, hey, yeah, hey, man, hey, man.
Yikva, I love you.
I know that means something in another lifetime.
I don't know, right?
Then I'd go to my father, and he would, like, well, no, because Yikva was my
father's father, right?
So, once again, I'm trying to make it clear for myself, not for you.
I know you understand.
Name tags might help tomorrow when you get to the house.
Name tags, very important.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's funny.
I'm the cousin of it.
Well, so the advice my old man used to give backfired on all of us.
Like, Yikva, I couldn't understand his advice, but my old man would say stuff
like,
because I was afraid of dogs as a kid, because we had the dog,
but my mother was so into cleanliness, she made the dog flip out and had, like,
a little breakdown.
It used to literally wipe its paws off before it walked into the house on the
side door.
I felt bad for this dog.
The dog developed a nervous, like, a little tickle.
And it's so, before he, you know, he barked, he used to go,
That's what he used to do before.
So, so my father knew I was petrified.
Look, the dog went out and bought a handgun.
He hated us, you know, so I hated the dog, and yet he ran away.
So, finally, I said, Dad, I'm petrified at dogs.
He said, never show a dog you're afraid.
Pop, whatever you say, all right?
So, I used to go to school every morning, and this Nazi doleman picture with a
helmet on used to go step down to chase me.
And I used to get, like, ripped to shreds every morning.
So, I turned around one morning.
I said, the dog is right here.
You be the dog.
You're being very good.
I'm doing pretty well.
Your dog, the young Yikva.
I'm the dog and Yikva.
So, the dog just looked at me, and I went, you mutt.
You're a mutt.
I am not afraid of you.
You hear me?
You're a mutt.
He jumped.
A bullseye.
It was a perfect bullseye.
It was right at the throat.
And he actually spoke an English sentence.
The dog said, look, I wouldn't have bit you.
You were too cocky.
You were too cocky about it, you know?
So, then I go to school, and I'm bloody.
And swimming.
I asked Yikva how to swim.
He doesn't know how to swim.
I didn't understand him.
So, I said, Pop, how do you swim?
Ask Yikva how to swim.
Well, he didn't know how to swim.
He didn't know how to swim.
That was it.
So, I go to a hotel pool with my old man.
And I was petrified.
I was eight years old.
I had all these lifesavers on, whatever they're called.
And he got me.
Can I stand up for a second?
Please do.
Frightening.
It was a frightening experience.
Or I could stand for you.
Only if I did drugs would that work.
Okay, okay.
So, I'm standing up.
And here's the pool, right?
And I'm here.
And my old man's behind me.
And he gets behind me, right?
And he says, find Atlantis.
And that was it, you know?
So, that's advice.
But, look, I love that.
These are the folks you'll be with tomorrow there.
Yeah.
I've got to do that in the past.
You seem like you're a troubled sort.
I guess nervous coming from L.A. and so forth.
Was it much of an adjustment when you started living there, actually, from New
York City?
Well, you know, because when we're out there, I'm a little frenetic.
And in L.A., it's, you know, it is.
It's slower.
And I used to go to this bank.
It's like Hebrew night for me up here.
But there's a bank.
And there was, you know, there was like these Talmudic scholars used to go to
the same bank with me.
And there's an expression, I'm sure, I mean, you're hip.
You've got to know.
Oy vey.
You know that expression, oy vey.
I've heard it.
Yeah.
These guys, they'd walk around very slowly.
If I could get behind one of these cats, forget it, I would be there for a
season.
Because they would, you know, they would do prayers before.
It was unbelievable.
It would take hours to get my three dollars out, you know.
So anyway, they would go, oy, and go, we don't need vey.
They wouldn't even get to vey out there.
They were like, a couple of weeks later, they'd still be on land.
And they'd be veying.
You know, they would vey there, you know.
But I live now alone, and when you were out there last, I had a girlfriend, and
I just broke up.
And it's a nightmare living out there alone, because, at least in New York here,
I love New York City.
And the one thing that I'm in touch with now is at least get into a cab and
boom.
You can boom somewhere in a couple of seconds, you know.
You can just boom somewhere if you're lonely.
Sure.
In L.A., you call a cab, you know, it's like, you know, what, a month.
You can reserve it and all that.
So I was living with someone.
I broke up.
That's a whole other thing.
But I tried to get a roommate.
And in fact, I never told you this.
I tried to go to a roommate place.
I tried.
I went.
I felt like an idiot going 55 hours to get your perfect match.
I never thought it would be Mr. Momo to do this kind of thing, you know.
And I'm sitting there like, can you just play a part again?
I'll be happy to.
What is it now?
Well, it's like, you could just be the person.
Let me just, before we get to the roommate part, we are desperately short here
on time.
So just kind of an indication there.
Just a hint.
Oh, okay.
Finish it up and let's get on with it.
I don't mean, I certainly don't mean that to frighten you or anything.
Wipes out the operetta.
I was going to.
No, no, no.
It's one of my job requirements.
I have to keep this moving along.
I don't even want to talk about the roommate thing, quite frankly.
Oh, you'd rather not talk about it?
No, I'd just rather talk about, because that was, that's like, that's had my
past already.
I mean, it backfired on me.
What's important is why I'm living alone.
I mean, that's how I feel.
Dan, I love this woman.
I loved her, and I'm going out now with friends, you know, they're taking me
around, you know,
and they're taking me to places, and I'm meeting the women, and I'm always
thinking of my ex.
I went out with a terrific woman.
What's that?
Terrific woman, and, uh...
I'm going to tell you what.
I think it's interesting to leave here.
Richard met a terrific woman.
Thank you, Richard Lloyd.
Thank you, Richard Lloyd.
Thank you.