Name: David Letterman Hands Out $$ to Audience, 1983 & 1994
Uploaded: 2018-10-05T22:56:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman Hands Out $$ to Audience, 1983 & 1994' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman Hands Out $$ to Audience, 1983 & 1994' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-05. Transcript available.

Are you like me? Do you get upset when you hear about wastes of taxpayer
dollars?
I sense that about this group.
There is a man now, a professor in communications at Ohio State University in
Columbus, Ohio,
who has gotten from the government a grant of $400,000 to find out, to study
now,
if there is any other industrial country in the world which has a game show
host named Wink.
So is it any wonder I'm steamed? Of course not, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, we've got a great show, don't we, Paul? We have a good show today, don't
we?
Yes, yes.
Do they celebrate Labor Day in Canada?
Yes, they do.
What do they call it?
They call it Telethon Day up there.
No, they don't.
He doesn't know what he's talking about. Don't pay any attention to him.
We'll visit with Paul a little bit later.
Tonight on this program, I don't know if this woman's been on any other network
television show that I can think of.
A very interesting woman.
She is the mother of not only Frank, but also Sylvester Stallone.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jacqueline Stallone.
A gentleman who's written a book about unsolved crimes.
Mr. J. Robert Nash will be joining us.
And a fine young comedian who has been with us before, and she's back here
tonight.
What more introduction, introduction, oh, never mind.
Rita Rudner.
And if this isn't enough of a television program, and by gosh, don't you think
it ought to be,
we have a late-night after-school special entitled They Took My Show Away.
That will be on this program tonight.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's awfully nice, but you don't need to do that.
This jacket, I can't get my hands in my pockets.
Is that all right?
You're not really supposed to have them in there anyway, are you?
See, that looks a little...
Does it look stupid?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, well.
Yeah, this is much more comfortable, just like this.
Uh, you know, what the hell am I going to do with these?
As I guess you know by now, I'm a fan of all kinds of music,
but there's really one type of music that really gets to me.
I hear it in the lonesome wail of a faraway locomotive.
I hear it in the sizzling of bacon in the pan.
But, you know, I can't seem to find any recordings of locomotive wails or bacon
sizzling,
so I really enjoy country and western music,
and tonight we're lucky enough to have an entire museum exhibition devoted to
the Nashville sound,
so join me as we take a look at America's own music in the Museum of Country
Music.
Walk this way, won't you?
Oh, boys, nice to see you, gentlemen.
Yes.
Well, here we are in the Museum of Country Music,
and as with most of our museums, it's like a shrine in here.
Let's go to the first exhibit, shall we?
This is our first exhibit.
One of the eternal riddles of country and western music,
what is it that Willie Nelson is hiding under his bandana?
The surprising answer,
a tattoo depicting a popular rock group of the 70s.
Willie had the tattooing done on a dare and has bitterly regretted it ever
since.
That's why he wears the bandana.
You know, country music has produced some very big hits,
from artists like Hank Williams right on down to artists like Hank Williams Jr.,
but here's an interesting display.
This is the list of the least successful country songs ever recorded.
This is country's all-time bottom ten.
Let's take a look at a couple of them.
One, life has treated me rough, but that's no reason to resort to alcohol.
Two, I saw Charlie Daniels in his birthday suit.
Three, the Amazon is actually longer than the Mississippi.
Four, truckers all are sissies.
Five, mama and papa were selfish, narrow-minded, and mean-spirited.
Six, I had it easy as a kid.
Seven, a girl named Sue, and it just goes on and on,
and I think you can see why those songs weren't so darn successful.
Now, this is a fascinating exhibit here.
In 1967, publisher Hugh Hefner announced
that his then-girlfriend, playmate Barbie Benton,
was going to record an album of country and Western songs,
and here's a rare group photograph of Barbie with her voice coaches.
Kind of a landmark exhibit, and gosh, we're lucky to have it here.
You know, if you can't put your hands in your pockets,
put them on someone's head.
This bust commemorates a real hero of country and Western,
Nash- bless you.
Nashville owes a great deal to this man.
This is the musical pioneer Jimmy T. Lafarge,
who in 1925 discovered that ramble rhymes with gamble.
What a big day that was.
Now, our next exhibit here evokes sad memories
for many country and Western fans.
Marlon Conrack was a promising new talent.
He was on his way to the stage to accept a Grammy Award
for Best Country Album back in 1971 when tragedy struck.
Conrack stumbled and fell to the floor, landing on his belt buckle.
He received the award posthumously.
Looks like a party at Wendell's house, doesn't it?
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, normally when we have a museum exhibit on this program,
we have eight, nine, or ten displays,
and if you've been counting along at home with us tonight,
you know that we've had five displays.
I guess I could make up all kinds of excuses
about how the holiday threw our production schedule completely out of whack,
and, well, frankly, we've had some folks on our staff
who have been under the weather
who normally would be in the office giving 100%.
But the truth of it is,
we just couldn't come up with any more items
to be placed in the Country Western Museum.
I know there's nothing I can do to make this up to the folks
who tune in all across North America,
but there is a way that I can make it up to our fine studio audience.
Tommy, will you bring the money out, please?
Thank you very much, Tommy.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have here, oh, $300 worth of cash.
I'm going to give everyone in our studio audience tonight a dollar.
God bless you, Dave.
Thank you very much, Tommy.
There's just nothing we can do about this.
All right.
One, just pass them on down, if you will.
Two, three, four, five, six.
I'm sorry, I'm just sick about it.
Oh, sure, there's 10.
All right, one.
Wait a minute, there's two.
Actually, there's four.
There's one, two, three, four.
Come on, pass them on, pass them on.
Five, six.
All right, there you go.
And again, I'm very sorry.
If you come back in a couple of weeks,
we'll have some more jokes to go with that.
There's one, two.
You enjoyed what you saw, though, didn't you?
Yeah, I thought it was going pretty well.
Three, four, five, six.
There you go.
Yeah, get yourself something nice.
There's one, two, three, four, five, six.
These people are very polite about this, aren't they?
Bill, can you ask a couple of the pages to help me distribute the cash here?
We'll do that.
Okay, I'll tell you what, here, you just, you take this side of the aisle and
let them work
on that side and we'll, all right.
Where did I leave off?
Okay.
Once again, please accept my apologies.
If you come back, we'll have something much funnier next week.
Three, four, five, six.
Okay.
We got to go away?
All right.
We got a great show, folks.
Sylvester and Frank Sloan's mother, Jacqueline, is here.
She'll be with us as soon as we get done passing out the dough.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
There you go.
Now, did you guys, okay, can you finish this up for me?
Okay.
These people are very honest.
I said, did you get your money yet?
And they said, yes, we did, which, very, very honest of you and unusual.
And I think you'll realize later a mistake.
Thanks, Bill, for opening me pass out the cash.
Paul, how are you?
Dave, I'm great.
I had kind of a rough night.
I spent most of the night watching the telethon, but I dragged myself away from
the TV.
How was the telethon going when you were?
They were doing very well, figures-wise.
And I got to say that New York really is coming through for Mr. Tony Orlando,
who's our New York host.
They really are.
As he said, he said, what is it?
Bite by bite, apple to the core.
They're coming out for him.
Tony Orlando.
That's good.
That's good.
It'll be over as we're doing our show.
Just as we, even now, as Jerry would say, even now, as we are taping our show
here, they are wrapping up there.
I have a couple of questions for you.
This occurred to me over the weekend.
Do you know anything about science?
It always blinded me.
Now, go ahead.
All right.
If you take room temperature is what?
Room temperature is about 68 degrees, right?
Well, 72.
Or I guess that's the energy thing, 68.
All right, 68.
Yeah.
All right.
Now, see?
You take one cup of liquid, whatever it is, water, whatever, and you heat it 20
degrees to 88 degrees.
All right?
Then you take the same liquid in another cup, same cup, and you cool it to 48
degrees.
So you've increased the one liquid by 20 and decreased one by 20.
Will the cold stay colder longer than the hot will stay hot?
Gee, Mr. Science, I don't know.
Do you want me to guess?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
You were just thinking about it at home?
Yes.
I was watching the telethon, and this is what you were doing.
It shows how different we are.
Yeah.
But both of us have our hands full.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, now stop that.
No, no.
Really degenerated.
I had another question for you.
Shoot.
Shoot, babe.
You know the show, you know the show PM Magazine?
Yeah.
I've seen this show in Denver.
It's different all over the United States, or different hosts all over the
United States.
New York, San Francisco, Indianapolis, Thunder Bay, they all have different
hosts and hostesses.
Yeah.
Why do the host and hostesses always walk when they talk?
Oh, well, now, I know that.
Now you're talking show business question.
I can answer that.
I can answer that.
Because it's syndicated.
Isn't that the answer?
Yeah.
All right.
Let's...
Well, I think, no, I think that the format, you know, maybe you could say the
format is syndicated,
and so it's certain of the tricks...
But they're always walking.
Some of the looks.
Well, that's part of the deal.
You know, you get to know that your host should walk.
Yeah, but it's always...
Bob has a fascinating story about horses.
Walked right by.
Well, you are a network.
That's why it didn't exactly work for you.
I can do it.
I can do it.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, thank heavens.
We cleared that up.
Thank you, Paul.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at a very happy, very proud man.
Earlier today, I was notified that I have won this year's Nobel Prize for hairpieces.
Thank you very much.
Hey, here's something stupid that happened.
Here's a little joke, a little story I like to tell on myself, give you an
indication what a dork I can be sometimes.
Listen to this.
I'm coming to work this morning, and I'm walking right up the street, and I see
here in New York City, what you have a lot of are these street performers.
You know, musicians and dancers and acrobats, and it all adds to the rich tapestry
of life that is New York City.
And so I'm coming up the street, and I see a crowd gathering around one of
these street performers, and to me it looks like it's a mime.
I think it might be a mime, and he's doing a hilarious routine, and the semicircle
of folks is around him now, and it's very energetic, and he's doing a lot.
And so now, people are trying to guess, you know, what it is that this mime is
doing, and I screamed out, windmill!
You're doing a windmill!
And somebody else screams out, you're a tap dancer, because there, you know,
there was a lot of, a lot of that.
And, and, and somebody else screamed out, helicopter, and it was, you know,
went on for like 10 or 15 minutes, and it turned out the guy was choking on a
piece of pretzel.
Boy, I want to tell you something.
I don't like to talk about other members of the broadcasting fraternity, but
Phil Donahue, whoo, man, I think that show's in trouble.
The, the topic today on Phil Donahue's show was other guys named Phil.
Well, news from the O.J. Simpson trial, O.J.'s socks came back from the lab, I
guess yesterday, and it doesn't look good.
They apparently tested positive for static cling.
Oh, there it is again!
Oh, God!
Jeez!
Whoa!
Oh, my God!
People at home say to themselves, look, they've got some kind of giant gorilla
wearing a suit!
So, let's see, the generals that were ruling Haiti, let me get this straight,
let me see if I have this straight now.
They've been given 79 million dollars, and are being forced to live in a better
country.
Boy, that'll show them want it!
There you go, take, hey, take that!
You know, what I...
Joe, are you still out there?
Come here!
Come here!
All right!
All right, all right, all right, all right over here!
It's Joe!
Hey, Joe, what?
Leave, leave that chair, you can hold the hand.
Come on, Joe.
Joe!
It's Joe!
Hey, come over here.
Ed, come on.
Sit down.
Here, let's throw that through the window, all right?
Here, let's throw that through the window, all right?
There it is.
Okay, come on.
Attaboy.
It's Joe, ladies and gentlemen!
Joe!
Right here!
Enjoy that?
Very nice, Joe.
Thank you very much.
Careful.
Be careful.
No, no.
You can keep the hand.
Have a seat.
Thank you, Joe.
No, you don't get the hammer.
No, hey, hey!
You see, before the show, Joe...
Joe says to me,
Dave, is it okay if I sit behind your desk?
And I said,
Of course not, you bonehead!
And then, the first time we hit a little tough spot here on the show, boom, we
hit Joe, put him right in the seat.
Yes, we're going to the Hall of Fame!
Attaboy!
That it is, gentlemen, I want to tell you something.
We have, I'm not kidding, I'm not lying, we have a wonderful program for you
tonight.
We're going to begin here with a little something we like to call stupid pet
tricks.
Then, then, it just gets better.
Charles Grodin will be here.
I'm not dancing.
I was adjusting my jacket.
You thought that was...
That's what you were doing.
No, I was adjusting my damn jacket, and suddenly you got me dancing.
Yes.
All right.
All right, God.
Hell, I'll give you a million dollars if you never show that tape again, all
right?
And a very funny, very nice young man.
What is he?
He's a comedian.
We just booked a guy because he's funny and nice.
What the...
Hey, you don't need to be anything else in this world, do you?
Mario Joyner is on the program tonight, kids.
Very nice show.
Dave, how are you?
Got a big weekend plan?
Very cool.
All right, good to see you.
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
I was only adjusting my jacket.
That time?
What is wrong with you?
Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor now.
Say hello to a good friend.
He's right over there with the other musicians, Mr. Paul Shaver.
Paul Shaver, ladies and gentlemen.
And here's the CBS Orchestra.
Hey, how you doing, Paul?
Good, how you doing?
Hey, I'm okay.
What did you think of that Joe sitting here behind my desk?
Yeah, well, came through.
He seemed like a nice man from New Jersey, Del Mar or something like that.
So?
How you doing?
I'm doing good.
What's going on?
Got a weekend coming up?
Got plans?
Yeah, big weekend.
Give my love to the wife and the baby.
Thank you, I will.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, I won't lie to you.
And nobody is more disappointed by this development than yours truly.
It's Friday night.
We like to have a big blockbuster show on Friday night.
We've been on the air for over a year now, and it was going to happen sooner or
later.
I'm just sad that it had to happen here tonight.
Oh, no.
We're out of ideas.
We're flat busted.
We got no...
Look at that.
No ideas.
Busted.
In the idea department, we're de sphincto.
I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you folks.
Wait a minute.
How many folks do we have in the audience?
There's about 400 and some.
400 and...
I need the exact count.
460...
461.
Oh, I got it.
I can do something for you folks.
Paul, cover me.
I'll be right back.
How'd you like your answer, Bob?
How'd you do it?
How'd you do it?
Excuse me.
I gotta go.
O...
P...
P...
R...
A...
H...
H...
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
Oh, great.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
How much for the fake Rolex?
Ten.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
That's a good one.
Thank you.
How much for the fake Rolex?
Ten.
There you go.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Paul Schaefer, your CBS Orchestra.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're just joining us, every member of our studio
audience tonight has received a crisp new $10 bill.
Ow.
I don't want you folks blowing that on candy and gum, all right?
And I'm told that a few folks, when they got their $10 bill, were doing this
out there in the audience.
They're looking at it and going, hmm.
You know, like they've heard CBS is in trouble, so they're worried about the...
And as I round the corner from the bank machine, I dropped all the money.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
But the good news is, you know, this is the great thing about America.
The studio audience now has $10 damn dollars they didn't have when they came
out.
God bless America.
All right, knock it out.
That's enough.
Thank you.

David Letterman Hands Out $$ to Audience, 1983 & 1994

Are you like me? Do you get upset when you hear about wastes of taxpayer
dollars?
I sense that about this group.
There is a man now, a professor in communications at Ohio State University in
Columbus, Ohio,
who has gotten from the government a grant of $400,000 to find out, to study
now,
if there is any other industrial country in the world which has a game show
host named Wink.
So is it any wonder I'm steamed? Of course not, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, we've got a great show, don't we, Paul? We have a good show today, don't
we?
Yes, yes.
Do they celebrate Labor Day in Canada?
Yes, they do.
What do they call it?
They call it Telethon Day up there.
No, they don't.
He doesn't know what he's talking about. Don't pay any attention to him.
We'll visit with Paul a little bit later.
Tonight on this program, I don't know if this woman's been on any other network
television show that I can think of.
A very interesting woman.
She is the mother of not only Frank, but also Sylvester Stallone.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jacqueline Stallone.
A gentleman who's written a book about unsolved crimes.
Mr. J. Robert Nash will be joining us.
And a fine young comedian who has been with us before, and she's back here
tonight.
What more introduction, introduction, oh, never mind.
Rita Rudner.
And if this isn't enough of a television program, and by gosh, don't you think
it ought to be,
we have a late-night after-school special entitled They Took My Show Away.
That will be on this program tonight.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's awfully nice, but you don't need to do that.
This jacket, I can't get my hands in my pockets.
Is that all right?
You're not really supposed to have them in there anyway, are you?
See, that looks a little...
Does it look stupid?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, well.
Yeah, this is much more comfortable, just like this.
Uh, you know, what the hell am I going to do with these?
As I guess you know by now, I'm a fan of all kinds of music,
but there's really one type of music that really gets to me.
I hear it in the lonesome wail of a faraway locomotive.
I hear it in the sizzling of bacon in the pan.
But, you know, I can't seem to find any recordings of locomotive wails or bacon
sizzling,
so I really enjoy country and western music,
and tonight we're lucky enough to have an entire museum exhibition devoted to
the Nashville sound,
so join me as we take a look at America's own music in the Museum of Country
Music.
Walk this way, won't you?
Oh, boys, nice to see you, gentlemen.
Yes.
Well, here we are in the Museum of Country Music,
and as with most of our museums, it's like a shrine in here.
Let's go to the first exhibit, shall we?
This is our first exhibit.
One of the eternal riddles of country and western music,
what is it that Willie Nelson is hiding under his bandana?
The surprising answer,
a tattoo depicting a popular rock group of the 70s.
Willie had the tattooing done on a dare and has bitterly regretted it ever
since.
That's why he wears the bandana.
You know, country music has produced some very big hits,
from artists like Hank Williams right on down to artists like Hank Williams Jr.,
but here's an interesting display.
This is the list of the least successful country songs ever recorded.
This is country's all-time bottom ten.
Let's take a look at a couple of them.
One, life has treated me rough, but that's no reason to resort to alcohol.
Two, I saw Charlie Daniels in his birthday suit.
Three, the Amazon is actually longer than the Mississippi.
Four, truckers all are sissies.
Five, mama and papa were selfish, narrow-minded, and mean-spirited.
Six, I had it easy as a kid.
Seven, a girl named Sue, and it just goes on and on,
and I think you can see why those songs weren't so darn successful.
Now, this is a fascinating exhibit here.
In 1967, publisher Hugh Hefner announced
that his then-girlfriend, playmate Barbie Benton,
was going to record an album of country and Western songs,
and here's a rare group photograph of Barbie with her voice coaches.
Kind of a landmark exhibit, and gosh, we're lucky to have it here.
You know, if you can't put your hands in your pockets,
put them on someone's head.
This bust commemorates a real hero of country and Western,
Nash- bless you.
Nashville owes a great deal to this man.
This is the musical pioneer Jimmy T. Lafarge,
who in 1925 discovered that ramble rhymes with gamble.
What a big day that was.
Now, our next exhibit here evokes sad memories
for many country and Western fans.
Marlon Conrack was a promising new talent.
He was on his way to the stage to accept a Grammy Award
for Best Country Album back in 1971 when tragedy struck.
Conrack stumbled and fell to the floor, landing on his belt buckle.
He received the award posthumously.
Looks like a party at Wendell's house, doesn't it?
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, normally when we have a museum exhibit on this program,
we have eight, nine, or ten displays,
and if you've been counting along at home with us tonight,
you know that we've had five displays.
I guess I could make up all kinds of excuses
about how the holiday threw our production schedule completely out of whack,
and, well, frankly, we've had some folks on our staff
who have been under the weather
who normally would be in the office giving 100%.
But the truth of it is,
we just couldn't come up with any more items
to be placed in the Country Western Museum.
I know there's nothing I can do to make this up to the folks
who tune in all across North America,
but there is a way that I can make it up to our fine studio audience.
Tommy, will you bring the money out, please?
Thank you very much, Tommy.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have here, oh, $300 worth of cash.
I'm going to give everyone in our studio audience tonight a dollar.
God bless you, Dave.
Thank you very much, Tommy.
There's just nothing we can do about this.
All right.
One, just pass them on down, if you will.
Two, three, four, five, six.
I'm sorry, I'm just sick about it.
Oh, sure, there's 10.
All right, one.
Wait a minute, there's two.
Actually, there's four.
There's one, two, three, four.
Come on, pass them on, pass them on.
Five, six.
All right, there you go.
And again, I'm very sorry.
If you come back in a couple of weeks,
we'll have some more jokes to go with that.
There's one, two.
You enjoyed what you saw, though, didn't you?
Yeah, I thought it was going pretty well.
Three, four, five, six.
There you go.
Yeah, get yourself something nice.
There's one, two, three, four, five, six.
These people are very polite about this, aren't they?
Bill, can you ask a couple of the pages to help me distribute the cash here?
We'll do that.
Okay, I'll tell you what, here, you just, you take this side of the aisle and
let them work
on that side and we'll, all right.
Where did I leave off?
Okay.
Once again, please accept my apologies.
If you come back, we'll have something much funnier next week.
Three, four, five, six.
Okay.
We got to go away?
All right.
We got a great show, folks.
Sylvester and Frank Sloan's mother, Jacqueline, is here.
She'll be with us as soon as we get done passing out the dough.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
There you go.
Now, did you guys, okay, can you finish this up for me?
Okay.
These people are very honest.
I said, did you get your money yet?
And they said, yes, we did, which, very, very honest of you and unusual.
And I think you'll realize later a mistake.
Thanks, Bill, for opening me pass out the cash.
Paul, how are you?
Dave, I'm great.
I had kind of a rough night.
I spent most of the night watching the telethon, but I dragged myself away from
the TV.
How was the telethon going when you were?
They were doing very well, figures-wise.
And I got to say that New York really is coming through for Mr. Tony Orlando,
who's our New York host.
They really are.
As he said, he said, what is it?
Bite by bite, apple to the core.
They're coming out for him.
Tony Orlando.
That's good.
That's good.
It'll be over as we're doing our show.
Just as we, even now, as Jerry would say, even now, as we are taping our show
here, they are wrapping up there.
I have a couple of questions for you.
This occurred to me over the weekend.
Do you know anything about science?
It always blinded me.
Now, go ahead.
All right.
If you take room temperature is what?
Room temperature is about 68 degrees, right?
Well, 72.
Or I guess that's the energy thing, 68.
All right, 68.
Yeah.
All right.
Now, see?
You take one cup of liquid, whatever it is, water, whatever, and you heat it 20
degrees to 88 degrees.
All right?
Then you take the same liquid in another cup, same cup, and you cool it to 48
degrees.
So you've increased the one liquid by 20 and decreased one by 20.
Will the cold stay colder longer than the hot will stay hot?
Gee, Mr. Science, I don't know.
Do you want me to guess?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
You were just thinking about it at home?
Yes.
I was watching the telethon, and this is what you were doing.
It shows how different we are.
Yeah.
But both of us have our hands full.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, now stop that.
No, no.
Really degenerated.
I had another question for you.
Shoot.
Shoot, babe.
You know the show, you know the show PM Magazine?
Yeah.
I've seen this show in Denver.
It's different all over the United States, or different hosts all over the
United States.
New York, San Francisco, Indianapolis, Thunder Bay, they all have different
hosts and hostesses.
Yeah.
Why do the host and hostesses always walk when they talk?
Oh, well, now, I know that.
Now you're talking show business question.
I can answer that.
I can answer that.
Because it's syndicated.
Isn't that the answer?
Yeah.
All right.
Let's...
Well, I think, no, I think that the format, you know, maybe you could say the
format is syndicated,
and so it's certain of the tricks...
But they're always walking.
Some of the looks.
Well, that's part of the deal.
You know, you get to know that your host should walk.
Yeah, but it's always...
Bob has a fascinating story about horses.
Walked right by.
Well, you are a network.
That's why it didn't exactly work for you.
I can do it.
I can do it.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, thank heavens.
We cleared that up.
Thank you, Paul.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at a very happy, very proud man.
Earlier today, I was notified that I have won this year's Nobel Prize for hairpieces.
Thank you very much.
Hey, here's something stupid that happened.
Here's a little joke, a little story I like to tell on myself, give you an
indication what a dork I can be sometimes.
Listen to this.
I'm coming to work this morning, and I'm walking right up the street, and I see
here in New York City, what you have a lot of are these street performers.
You know, musicians and dancers and acrobats, and it all adds to the rich tapestry
of life that is New York City.
And so I'm coming up the street, and I see a crowd gathering around one of
these street performers, and to me it looks like it's a mime.
I think it might be a mime, and he's doing a hilarious routine, and the semicircle
of folks is around him now, and it's very energetic, and he's doing a lot.
And so now, people are trying to guess, you know, what it is that this mime is
doing, and I screamed out, windmill!
You're doing a windmill!
And somebody else screams out, you're a tap dancer, because there, you know,
there was a lot of, a lot of that.
And, and, and somebody else screamed out, helicopter, and it was, you know,
went on for like 10 or 15 minutes, and it turned out the guy was choking on a
piece of pretzel.
Boy, I want to tell you something.
I don't like to talk about other members of the broadcasting fraternity, but
Phil Donahue, whoo, man, I think that show's in trouble.
The, the topic today on Phil Donahue's show was other guys named Phil.
Well, news from the O.J. Simpson trial, O.J.'s socks came back from the lab, I
guess yesterday, and it doesn't look good.
They apparently tested positive for static cling.
Oh, there it is again!
Oh, God!
Jeez!
Whoa!
Oh, my God!
People at home say to themse