Name: Larry "Bud" Melman Guest-Hosts LNwDL, July 26, 1982 (full)
Uploaded: 2018-10-10T01:05:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Larry "Bud" Melman Guest-Hosts LNwDL, July 26, 1982 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Larry "Bud" Melman Guest-Hosts LNwDL, July 26, 1982 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-10. Transcript available.

Larry "Bud" Melman Guest-Hosts LNwDL, July 26, 1982 (full)

Oh, hi. I'm David Letterman, and as you can see, I'm not in the studio now. I'm
still vacationing
out here at my country home. But don't worry, NBC has got a great new late
night for you tonight,
and for the first time, there'll be a guest host in my place. Now, I'm not sure
who it is, but
NBC has such a vast pool of talent to draw upon. I'm sure it'll be someone that
you'll really
enjoy. In fact, this should be such a good show tonight. I'm awfully sorry I
can't be there myself,
but, of course, that would be impossible since I'm all the way out here a good
30 minutes
from the city. So, I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the show, just like you, and,
well, we'll see
you folks tomorrow.
From New York, a city where a bus mogul can grow up to host his own talk show,
it's Late
Night with David Letterman. David's guest host tonight is Larry Bud
Bud Melman. Bud's guests are physical fitness experts, Jack and
Elaine Lillane, $20 lottery winner, Tony Creeny, and the producer of Gizmo,
Howard Smith. Also,
a look at new gift items and international symbols. And now, a man who's using
the money from tonight's
show to fix the air conditioning on Melman bus number two, Larry Bud Melman!
Melman!
Melman!
Melman!
No, no, no! Thank you!
What a fine bunch of humans we've assembled here tonight.
Welcome to another time-filled extravaganza.
I can promise you a show tonight that's jam-packed with seconds and minutes.
By the end of the program, you're going to feel you've had something like a
full hour of television watching by anybody's clock.
And now about this suit.
Sears, back to school collection.
Well, I've got a cheap joke here. What do you think? Should I do it?
Have you heard about the controversial new toy being introduced this week?
Anatomically correct Gumby doll.
I knew that wasn't going anywhere.
Well, don't let what's transpired here throw you.
This is actually a comedy show.
And what an extravaganza it is, ladies and gentlemen.
Wake the kids, phone the neighbors.
This shows the reason television was invented.
Our guests tonight are physical fitness experts, Jack and Elaine LaLanne.
A man who won the New York State lottery for $20, Tony Creeny.
And the producer of the film Gizmo, Howard Smith.
And if that's not enough, and by gosh, don't you think it should have been?
We also have a look at new gift ideas.
First, say hello to Paul Schaefer and the world's most dangerous band.
Hello, Paul.
Yeah, well, thank you.
Listen, you are just a little bit of terrific.
I have always loved this whole Melman thing.
I have thought it was hysterical right from the beginning.
Because you are nuts.
You are a wild man.
I love your buses.
I love your whole...
You are just...
You are the mighty, mighty...
Thank you.
The mighty, mighty Bud Melman.
Thank you.
Hey, Hiram's not wearing any shoes.
Yes, I am.
Yes, he is.
Can we get a shot of those bad feet?
He's wearing shoes.
He just showed them.
Oh.
Well, let's get on with the show.
But first, I have a lot of Paul and the band.
Each day as I walk to work here at Rockefeller Center,
I notice new items being sold by the city's sidewalk vendors.
Peddlers of Foley Hawk pretzels and T-shirts
are finding they now must offer something extraordinary
to attract jaded New Yorkers.
We've assembled here just a few of these offbeat gifts,
which are actually being sold on Manhattan streets.
To first item.
This lovely embroidered scarf does double duty.
In winter, it keeps you toasty warm.
And in summer, it reminds you what foods spoil without refrigeration.
Tuna salad, deviled ham, flan.
They're all here.
Gosh, we're having fun now.
Here's a perky gift for that depressed pal who's at the end of his rope.
This cute ceramic mug expresses a daydream.
I'd rather be dead.
What a wacky item.
For big fun at your next party, you'll want the hangman's swizzle stick.
Black Bart may be a low-down horse thief, but it'll be plum-happy to mix your
drink.
Realistic death throes, amazing disgust, party boozes.
Push the button.
Oh.
All righty.
There you go.
Finally, they're here.
Lifelike replicas of internal organs.
Perfect for recovery room pranks.
Leave one of these in a patient's bed, and they'll think the surgeon forgot to
put something down.
Ladies and gentlemen, my son, Troy, pulled this joke on me last spring when I
had a stomach operation.
I was in stitches.
Get it?
Stitches.
Now things are getting silly.
Oh.
Oh, there you go.
Ah.
Hmm.
I'm going to work this now.
Ah, we'll have this going in a minute, I think.
Oh, wait.
Oh, yes, silly.
Oh.
Glasses.
They're not working.
Oh.
Nope.
Sorry, this item is...
Just separate it on your head.
Like this?
Oh, okay.
Oh, here we go.
What a breakthrough.
Lifetime glasses.
These remarkable glasses let you update length prescriptions yourself as your
vision changes.
Never go to the eye doctor again.
Say, I should get a pair of these.
No, seriously, I should.
Here's something festive to brighten any kitchen.
The sardine kitchen tapestry depicts the steps involved in eviscerating sardines
from ocean
to can.
There's no nicer anniversary gift.
Here we see stunning, beheading, gutting, lining them up, oiling, and cramming
them into
your little pants.
Isn't this fun?
Okay, now here we go.
Here's a great gag to play on that state trooper who pulls you over for
speeding.
It's the squirting star registration.
He'll be so surprised he may even go for his gun.
But don't worry, he'll be laughing so hard he won't be able to shoot straight.
Oh, there's only one more.
Oh, there's only one more.
That's too bad.
I like playing with these.
In Mexico, it's El Nob Grande.
Here in the U.S., we call it the giant phony doorknob.
And it's a panic.
The oversized jumbo knob is much larger than it ought to be.
It's just plain big.
In fact, it's way out of proportion.
Just yell, come on in and wait for the fireworks.
Talk about a massive doorknob.
It's much more sizable than it need be.
So big, in fact, you could call it a joke.
We'll be right back with Jack and Elaine Lillane.
We'll be right back with Jack and Elaine Lillane.
My first guests tonight are a couple whose last name has become a synonym for
physical fitness.
They now have their own syndicated TV show,
and they're in New York right now for the General Foods Up America program.
Welcome, please, Jack and Elaine Lillane.
Hey, what a great group.
Thank you very much.
We appreciate that.
Do you resent all the recent fitness experts like Richard Simmons?
Do I do what?
Do you resent all the recent fitness experts like Richard Simmons?
How could I resent anyone or anything that's doing good for people?
If anyone that can get people to exercise and get to eat properly, I'm with
them 100%.
We need more Richard Simmons, more Jane Fondas, more people to educate the
people and motivate them and stimulate them.
I'm all with it 100%.
Oh, and do you do any pumping arms?
I lift weights an hour and a half every day of my life, and after that, I swim
two miles.
I work out from 4 to 6.30, seven days a week.
Doesn't give you much time for anything else, does it?
Are you still getting up real early every day, Jack?
Yes, every morning, 4 o'clock.
He rolls out and I roll over.
How many hours sleep do you get?
Maybe average about four or five.
See, the better shape you're in, the less sleep you need.
Oh, I see.
Elaine, do you also get up at four in the morning?
No, I just told you, I get up.
Oh, right.
He rolls out and I roll over, I tell you.
I get up at six.
Well, don't you ever get bored exercising?
No, not really.
It's the results that count.
In other words, we like to get out there and do it and get it over with and on
with the day.
When you were growing up, did your family exercise a lot?
My family?
My family was born, I was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and there we didn't,
yay!
No, we didn't do too much exercising in those days.
Were you always involved in fitness, Jack, even as a kid?
Well, I started, I was a sick boy up till 15, and 15 years of real, I dropped
out of school for six months
because I was so weak and skinny, and it was during this time that I attended a
health lecture.
And that's when I started.
When I was 15, I've been at it ever since.
Oh.
In the early days, weren't people embarrassed to be seen going to your gym?
But the connotation, the word that Jack LaLanne had in the San Francisco Bay
Area when I started my first health spa in 1936,
well, you know, people weren't into physical fitness, and they thought I was
some kind of a nut,
some kind of a crackpot, you know, trying to get people to exercise and take
vitamins,
so it was kind of frowned upon, but then as years went by, people became more
into physical fitness.
Now it's a big status thing.
Very interesting.
Thank God.
And then you had the first TV exercise show.
Right.
I've been on television now 30 years.
I started in about 1951, and I've been on television ever since.
Oh, congratulations.
Five weeks a week.
And you have a TV series again.
Oh, yes.
It's called Jack LaLanne and You.
It's a whole new format, a whole new theme.
Everything about is different.
We do aerobics.
We have people on the show working out with us, and it's, uh, to give nutrition
tips,
but it's a fast-moving, no-nonsense exercise show out of Los Angeles.
Are you healthier than the average person?
Do you get colds very often?
You know what?
I'll tell you one thing.
When I get out of shape, I'm going on radio.
Yeah, but nobody will see you then.
But they'll hear me.
Oh.
Uh, tell us some of the incredible feats you performed to celebrate your
birthday.
Well, it started way back on my 40th birthday, I guess it was.
I, uh, swam from Alcatraz Prison to San Francisco handcuffed.
Then on my 60th birthday, I pulled a 1,000-pound boat.
I was handcuffed and shackled from Alcatraz to San Francisco.
Then on my 65th birthday, I towed 65 boats a mile and a half handcuffed and
shackled in Tokyo.
Well, 6,500 pounds.
Yeah.
Then on another one of my birthdays, I, uh, I broke the world's record in push-ups.
I did 1,033 push-ups.
Then on another birthday, I did 1,000 chins and 1,000 push-ups in an hour and
22 minutes.
Oh.
Well, we'll be right back with more of Jack and Elaine Lallain.
Thank you.
How old are you, Jack?
I'm one day younger than I was yesterday.
No, I'm 67.
What is age?
Irrevelent.
Just a number, a number.
Exactly.
Right here in the conditioning of your body.
You know, I'd hate to be dead.
You know, life is exciting and thrilling.
Sure.
If you're in shape.
Yes, exactly.
Don't you feel that way?
Look at all these people out there.
Like, man alive, you're half dead.
How would you like to wake up and find yourself dead?
Well, I'd wreck my image.
Do you exercise at all?
Very little.
Would you like to do a...
As you can see.
Okay, I'll tell you.
You have a little bit too much on here, right?
I would say, yes.
How would you like to depot yourself?
We'll show you right now.
All right.
Okay, I want you to lie down on your back.
Can I get my glasses off?
Just lie down on your back.
Leave your glasses on.
We won't reduce your glasses.
Oh, okay.
You just lie down on your back.
Okay.
Okay.
Right here.
Put your feet up on the chair.
Oh, my God.
Feet up here.
Is he here?
No.
Oh, no.
Now, for you folks at home and you in the audience,
this is one of the great exercises to get rid of your pot.
Now, give me your hand. You get on the other side of your hand.
Now, just sit. Now, touch or take. Oh, look.
Up. Down. Come on. Up.
Now, that's enough. Come on. Up. That's enough.
-Go, go, go, go. -Uh-huh.
-Hey! -Oh!
You see? I don't want Bud to over-train.
-Find. -All right.
Now, I want to show you. This is the exercise that helped Elaine
to re-firm her body, you know, re-proportion her body.
She took three inches off her waistline about,
put three inches on her chest, and she gained about 15 pounds
when I first met her. She completely re-proportioned herself.
And I'm going to show you the exercise that really helped
to firm her hips and her waist.
And if you out there have a problem with the waist or your hips,
I 