Name: Elayne Boosler Collection on Letterman, Part 2: 1986-2002
Uploaded: 2018-10-13T07:18:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Elayne Boosler Collection on Letterman, Part 2: 1986-2002' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Elayne Boosler Collection on Letterman, Part 2: 1986-2002' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-13. Transcript available.

Elayne Boosler Collection on Letterman, Part 2: 1986-2002

All right, our next guest is a terribly funny woman
who has her own special premiering on Showtime,
a cable operation.
Tomorrow evening it's called Party of One.
Folks, please say hello once again to comedian Elaine Bussler.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks.
Is this the windiest day you've ever seen in New York City?
Unbelievable.
You step into the street, it hits you from the side.
The whole city's walking around looking like Ann Landers out there.
This is a hard day to wear contact lenses.
Very painful.
I just switched from hard to soft lenses.
I actually like hard lenses better.
I think hard contact lenses make you the calmest person in the world
because when the first thing you do in the morning
is wake up and put a piece of glass in your eye,
what's going to bother you for the rest of the day?
Hey, you're half burned down.
I got glass in my eye, man.
Now I have these soft lenses.
Eh, they cost me a hundred bucks.
Spend about $1,500 a month on saline solution now.
I think the ocean has gone down an inch
since I got these lenses for.
I had a birthday since I was here last.
I'm still in my 20s.
I'm a 2014 now.
Hurts less when you think of it that way.
When do you stop being and a half?
That one dies young, doesn't it?
Can't walk around saying,
oh yeah, I work for IBM.
I'm 33 and a half.
Going to be this many soon.
I like to read statistics about my age.
Now, Newsweek magazine said
a woman over 30 with two years of college
has very little chance of getting married.
And People magazine put it into better perspective.
They said a woman over 30 with two years of college
has a better chance of being killed by terrorists
than she does at getting married.
I thought, well, some of them guys are cute.
Going to pull that pin before we have dinner, handsome?
I don't think so.
Still no kids.
I don't think I'll ever have them.
The longer I wait,
the more ways they come up with to have kids, though.
All these natural childbirth meds now,
Lamaze and Le Boy A,
they all have one thing in common.
They're all still long and painful.
It doesn't seem to be better.
If I was going to have a kid,
I'd want it to be quick.
I'd have Heimlich.
Oh, honey, I think it's time.
Boom.
All right, let's finish that chicken now.
Did you see on 60 Minutes,
people are giving birth underwater now?
Yeah, they say it's less traumatic for the baby
because it's in water
than it comes out into water.
I guess it probably would be less traumatic for the baby,
but certainly more traumatic
for the other people in the pool.
Ew, I don't think they're using enough chlorine in this place.
I'm real happy I have this Showtime special tomorrow night.
I waited years to get a cable special.
Every guy I started out with has nine specials on,
and I didn't have a show,
and I went to someone in TV.
I said, how come I can't have a special?
And he said, oh, you know,
you do that Playboy material and you touch your breast,
and we don't think that's appropriate for television.
I felt awful.
Went home, and I watched Robin Williams' cable special
and Eddie Murphy's cable special.
I said, ooh, no wonder I can't get a show.
I've been holding the wrong thing.
So the show's called Party of One
in honor of 10 years on the road
eating out in restaurants alone.
Hostesses are loud, aren't they?
Just one? No, 50.
They're parking. I'll go check.
They can't say one without the just in front of it.
It has to be just one, like you failed already.
Just one tonight?
Oh, no, I've been a loser all of my life.
Just one for dinner?
No, there was one for lunch
and one for breakfast, too, today.
Party of One is the silliest thing to say.
Party of One?
Think I should have sent those invites out
a little sooner, do you?
You have a table facing a mirror,
so I don't have to eat alone here?
Next time they say Party of One,
live up to it.
Party of One?
Yeah, you should have seen me.
New Year's!
You sit down, you think you're safe.
It's not over.
The busboy starts the whole thing all over again.
One?
Uh-huh.
Man takes everything off the table.
Knives, forks, spoons.
Hey, get a bus saw.
Cut this table in half.
I insist.
You have the chef bake up a couple of tumbleweeds
and blow them across every five minutes?
I mean, the humiliation never ends.
Who's having the veal?
I guess it's me.
If I ever got money,
I'd open a restaurant for single people,
and I'd make them comfortable.
You walk in,
nice, long row of sinks.
No tables and chairs.
Everybody eats standing over the sink.
All the food comes in the package
so you can read the back while you're eating.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So your big cable show is on tomorrow night.
You don't even know what time.
You don't know what time, do you?
I'm sure.
You know what time.
No, I really don't.
It's about time.
Well, it is about time.
I know.
Thanks for being on it.
Well, it was fun to be on.
Pleading glimpses.
And when people tune it in,
what are they going to see?
Is you doing much of your stand-up act?
It's exactly that five minutes
over and over and over again
until an hour passes.
I, you know,
I mean, when I say you're on it,
I don't want people to think
that you're on it.
The billing is fleeting glimpses of it.
And we're so generous,
I mean,
with your time to do that.
Well, now you completely ruined the surprise
what there was to it anyway.
No, I was going to kind of tell him
what you did,
which was so funny to me.
Well, no, no, no.
That's at the end of the show.
Anyway,
it'll be on tomorrow night.
She's not certain what time,
but it'll be on tomorrow night.
That time tomorrow.
Elaine, nice to see you.
Thanks for being here.
Are you going on the road somewhere soon?
Not if the show does well, I hope.
Is everything all right in the control room?
Is everybody all right?
Hal,
is your nerve medicine in there?
Good.
My thanks to Ava Gabor,
John Cleese,
Elaine Boosler,
and everybody else.
Tomorrow,
Janet Brennan,
and former singer with the Rascals,
Felix Cavaliera,
and from Saturday Night Live,
Dennis Miller.
Okay, Hal,
go nuts with those buttons now.
Thank you.
Our next guest is a very funny woman
who can be currently seen
on a Cinemax comedy experiment,
which she also wrote and directed.
It's entitled Comedy From Here.
Folks,
please welcome Elaine Boosler.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks.
Happy holidays.
I'm Jewish.
We're not allowed to have a Christmas tree,
but we are allowed to dress up like one.
I think the Christian religion's very nice.
You know,
you have Christmas and church and everything.
All we have is Pac-Man.
Oh, really?
I think Pac-Man is the history of the Jewish people
being chased while eating.
It's great eating with your folks, isn't it?
My mother would say wonderful things.
Eat this.
I'm just going to throw it out.
Oh, good.
Do you have any more garbage for dessert later
when we're done?
I think this is a nice time of year
to look back and see what kind of year it was.
I think New York had a great year in sports.
Whoa.
The Mets played amazing.
The only thing I really didn't like about this series
were the commentators.
I thought they were really rude to the New York players,
you know, especially Dykstra.
Every time this guy came up to bat,
he's in front of the whole world like this,
and he can't hear them going,
here's that little weasel again.
What is he, 4'11"?
If that, good thing he beat his drinking problem.
Let the guy hit for crying out loud.
I thought Boston played great.
There was a wonderful interview.
Yeah, well, it's true.
Jim Rice had a great interview.
They were talking to him.
They said,
What's your philosophy of baseball?
He said,
I see the ball.
I hit it.
And then he had in my favorite line,
he said,
When you have reflexes,
you don't need philosophy.
I thought,
Whoa, does this mean Plato couldn't bunt?
I don't like football.
I've tried to get into it.
I don't know what the hell's going on.
I've had it explained to me.
I went to do a movie,
How Women See Football.
Put 20 football players in a circle,
yell go,
they all run to each other,
knock on their heads,
fall down,
and say the end.
That's it, you know?
Oh.
Well,
that's how I see it.
And I guess I'm the only one.
Oh, I don't want your pity.
Keep it.
It was a good year
for the diet industry in this country.
People spent $10 billion a year
on diet aids in America.
And the biggest breakthrough
was the gastric bubble.
Did you see this thing on 60 Minutes?
They blow up a balloon,
they put it in your stomach,
you eat a little bit,
you get full,
you stop eating,
you lose weight.
I think they should have
the brain bubble
for people who don't like to study.
Just put it in a college student's head,
read two pages,
Whoa, I can't absorb anymore.
tonight, oh.
People are still concerned
about food losing weight.
I feel that there is no truth
in advertising
where food is concerned
in this country.
You ever read
The Side of a Pint of Haagen-Dazs?
Know what it says?
Serves for.
They have nutritional information
on candy now.
I know when I'm shoveling down
M&M's at 4 a.m.,
I want to know that zinc's
getting in there too, boy.
I think one of the most
disappointing things in the world
is when you're eating
something wonderful
and you think there's one more
and there isn't, you know?
M&M's is the hardest one
to deal with.
It's like,
anyway, so I was telling him,
what, that's it?
Oh, I would've sucked that one.
It's been an interesting year for me.
My car insurance went up this year.
I was kind of surprised
because I'm over 30,
never had an accident
or a ticket,
thought it would go down.
Called the insurance company.
I said,
why'd my insurance go up?
They said,
because you're single
and over 30.
I said, single?
You think I have nothing
to live for?
There's a cliff.
What the hell?
I'm a higher risk
because I'm single.
Like, if I see a bachelor
in a residential neighborhood,
I'm going to floor it.
Out of the way, lady!
He looks good!
I think the biggest blunder
of the year
will probably turn out
to be Reagan's Iranian arms deal.
Whoa!
Think like he woke up
in the middle of the night,
wanted to go shopping,
nothing was open.
Think Iran's 12 hours ahead,
their store's open there.
You want to buy some stuff here?
I think we need
younger people in office.
I really think
when a man's first priority
is no longer sex,
he just becomes too dangerous.
You know?
It's true because
sex is very hopeful
and life-affirming
and going towards the future,
you know?
You get these feelings
these guys are sitting
in Washington going,
hey, I'm not getting any.
I think I'll blow up
the whole damn planet.
I think this should be
like a young guy
with a Corvette
and a good haircutting office,
you know?
Because nobody's going to
drop a bomb on Wednesday
if there's even a little chance
of having sex on Friday.
Thanks a lot.
Happy New Year.
Welcome back.
Elaine is with us.
Nice job, Elaine.
Oh, thanks.
I'd really like to do that
football joke again
and head my career.
Oh, it was very nice.
How's your dog?
Oh, my dog.
He's fine.
I had him here the last name.
Yeah, a cute little...
Petey.
Petey.
Petey.
Little boxer, is he?
He's a big boxer now.
He ate a hassock the other night.
It's amazing.
When I named him Petey,
I did it because the little
rascals had Petey.
That was the dog with the...
Yeah, the circle.
And I just thought
the way they said Petey
was so cute.
They go,
Petey, Petey.
I thought,
it's so cute.
So, I name him Petey
and you have to say it like that.
And the dog kind of responds.
You know, you go,
Petey.
Dog goes,
like that.
I'll be walking him
down the street.
There's normal looking people
in nice clothes.
What's his name?
Petey.
People go,
Petey.
Dog goes,
got like 10 years of this.
I'll put a bullet in my head.
But I couldn't get out of it.
I'd always go,
Petey.
And he'd make me say it sometimes.
He'd come up and go,
all right,
Petey.
So, I'm walking on the beach
in Santa Monica
and Carl Weathers
is coming up the other way.
The guy who played
Apollo Creed in Rocky.
Very,
what a gorgeous guy.
Walking up the street
and he sees the dog
and he said,
that's a handsome dog.
I said,
thank you.
He said