Name: Fred Willard Collection on Letterman, 1982-2007
Uploaded: 2018-11-01T16:17:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fred Willard Collection on Letterman, 1982-2007' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fred Willard Collection on Letterman, 1982-2007' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-01. Transcript available.

Fred Willard Collection on Letterman, 1982-2007

I'll see you next time.
One of the hosts of NBC's Real People, please welcome Fred Willard.
Am I crazy or am I in New York? This is terrific.
That's quite a shirt you have there.
Oh, this, uh, I've...
That's purple.
Yeah, yeah, just threw it on at the last minute.
You know, almost forgot I was on the show, you know how it is.
Hey, you're on. Oh, my gosh. I'm doing a TV show. Grab a shirt. You don't think.
Yeah. Um, I bet you I don't have one single piece of clothing that's purple.
Well, hey, this is yours.
If it goes well, I want very much to come across well in this.
Yeah, no, you're doing quite nicely.
And the shoes, too, computer.
Okay. What kind of shoes do you have?
They're kind of an off-purple.
Those are oxblood, kind of cordovan.
Yeah, those are nice.
Um, let me ask you about Jerry Hubbard.
We mentioned him in the introduction.
Now, was that...
That, of course, was kind of the absent-minded announcer sidekick to Martin
Ball.
Was that anybody you know, or was that a lot of you, or...?
It was. For some reason, they said I was perfect for the part.
They needed someone who was a complete fool.
I mean, why they thought I could kill that bill.
But what, you see, I don't know, it came from people in my family.
I hate to say this, because I love them all, but they would say things a little
off.
My grandmother once went to buy coffee for a drip grind and says,
I need some coffee for a drip, and things like this.
And, uh, but, um, but those things come natural.
Like, I almost said, when I came out and sat down, I was going to say,
Where else but America could you be in Los Angeles one day and New York City
the next?
These things, uh...
I think I kind of shut off.
You have a little trap that, uh, that says,
Wait, I shouldn't say this, I'll sound foolish.
And when I did that show, I just left the door open, and my natural thoughts
came out.
It was, uh, it was terrific.
Excuse me, I haven't hung up there on my thing.
Yeah, I know, a lot of...
I have hang-ups, too, but, uh...
Can I have time for just a little story about New York?
Because New York gets a bum rap.
I was here last year.
Someone stole my billfold, and you know how you feel.
It's not the money, but I had a picture of my wife and my child and a...
A topless dancer, and they're...
And you don't, you know, you can duplicate pictures of your family, but the
dancer, I didn't know her name.
Yeah, yeah.
And I thought I'd never see it, because what they do, they throw it in a
garbage can, and they're gone.
In most cities, I was home in two weeks, my billfold came in the mail.
Some guy, whoever had stolen it, had taken the trouble to go over and put it in
a mailbox, and make sure it got back to me.
You know, the money was gone, of course.
But I just thought, what a nice guy to go...
He didn't have to do that.
He went out of his way to make sure I got the billfold.
That's great.
And I think the people who knock New York and New Yorkers are...
You should think about those stories.
Yeah, yeah.
I didn't mean to get on a soapbox.
Yeah.
It really warms your heart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sandra Caron, tell us about this woman.
You've worked with her before?
Sandra, I met in Second City in Chicago, and you know, it's very unusual to
meet a lady who can improvise and who can do sketches and act.
We don't usually work together as a team, but we get back together every once
in a while and do a few things.
We're going to introduce her right now.
Let's get on.
The woman we've been talking about.
I thought she was with me.
No, she's not here yet, Fred.
Here's now, Sandra Caron.
You know, I think the first time I ever saw you and Fred work together was in
Los Angeles.
Oh, yes.
But you actually have an extensive film career in...
In England, yes.
Movies carry-on camping, carry-on nurse.
Carry-on nurse, carry-on doctor, just a lot of carry-ons.
And how did you and Fred begin working together?
Well, we worked in Second City, as Fred said, a few moons ago.
And, uh...
We learned to improvise there, which most people are afraid of and don't know
what improvisation...
Let's do a little improvisation for David here in the audience.
No, I'd rather not.
I would like to tell David about my Shakespeare.
But, no, but I think people who don't know improvisation might...
Excuse me.
Anyway, I played Lady Macbeth.
Don't be obstinate.
It's a second.
It'll be two seconds.
What's the difference?
I played Lady Macbeth.
What the heck is the difference if we do an improvisation or not?
Excuse me, please.
See, that's how it goes.
That's an improv.
Yeah.
So, it's just the same...
It was her idea, but I didn't think it would work.
Yeah, it was your idea, though.
I did.
It was very nice.
To get back to me.
Yeah.
Now, and then you came to America.
Now, we're going to do something now or we're going to do something later?
Right now, we're going to do something.
Right now, we're going to do something.
That'd be nice, because you've only got a few minutes on the show.
We'd hate to be on that, you know, sermonette in the background of doing our
sketch.
Yeah, okay.
So, now, do you need to go anywhere?
Are you going to do it right here?
You need to go somewhere.
Yes.
Let me introduce it.
You know, to set it up, a lot of people who don't have the right social
guidance end up,
when they grow up with sexual frustrations, they're awkward with members of the
other
sex, they become almost obnoxious, much like I am.
No, what I mean is in this little sketch we're going to do, which takes place
in a convention
town someplace.
It's a cocktail lounge.
About 10 o'clock at night, it becomes a singles bar, but right now, it's about
4 o'clock
in the afternoon.
Tony, I'll be ordering in a second, okay?
You mind if I sit down here?
This place is really packed.
The whole place is empty.
Now it's empty, yeah, but about 11 o'clock at night, it takes a crowbar to get
in here.
Can I buy you a drink?
Tony, a drink for the lady here, I'm treating.
No, no, no.
I don't take no for an answer, do I, Tony?
No, it'll make me nauseous.
Oh, come on.
Hey, no strings attached, I promise.
No, I really...
Just a drink, come on.
Name your poison, what is it?
All right, a golden dream.
Golden dream.
Where do you women come up with these concoctions, huh?
Golden dream for the little lady, and I'll have a pink squirrel, please.
And let me have one with a little paper umbrella in it.
Yeah, I broke the one from last night, I'd like to have a souvenir, huh?
So, um, does cigarette smoke bother you?
Yes.
Oh.
It'll make me nauseous, please.
Oh, that must be very annoying.
I'll try to blow it over that way.
So what brings you in here?
I just came from my ballet class.
It's a great exercise.
Yeah, you live here in town?
Yes.
Yeah.
I'm an out-of-towner myself.
I'm in here on a convention.
Came in with the fertilizer people.
Uh, almost didn't get away, things were piling up back home.
I'd had it up to here, you know, and I told my boss.
I said, I need some free time.
I raised quite a stink, and he let me go.
I'm glad I did, because it's a beautiful city you got here, you know?
Beautiful state, too.
It's my first time here.
In fact, it's a beautiful country we live in, isn't it?
What do you think about the way the country is going lately?
What do you think about the way Ronald Reagan is handling our internal affairs?
Let me ask you this.
What do you think about the way Reagan is handling this whole El Salvador
situation, huh?
Well, let me ask you.
What do you think about the way he's handling the Mideast situation, huh?
Let me ask you this.
What do you think about anything?
Look, I kind of enjoy talking politics with you.
You know, most women are airheads.
I can't get two consecutive sentences out of them.
Um, what do you say we go upstairs to my room?
What?
My hotel room.
It's right upstairs.
What for?
Well, to talk politics, you know, and maybe have a few drinks,
and we'll put on the record player and dance.
You're a dancer, aren't you?
Look, my feet are swollen, I have lower back pains, and I have morning sickness.
Does that tell you anything?
Could be the flu.
I don't know.
You should not be in a bar like this.
You should be someplace quiet, and your feet elevated higher than your head.
I would like that, yes.
Oh, a damp rag over your eyes.
Yes, I would like that.
How about my hotel room right upstairs?
Come on, you know?
You're a filthy pig, you know that?
You make me sick.
What do you think makes you sick?
The cigarette, the drink, the meat?
I bet you've got a little stomach flu here, you know?
You're an animal, you know that?
You're a lowly animal.
Your kind should be locked up, you know that?
Can I tell you something?
That's a first impression, and first impressions aren't always true.
Why don't you get to know me?
Let me show you what kind of a guy I am.
This man is bothering me, please.
All the more reason.
These idiots are coming in and out.
This cigarette smoke is not doing you any good.
And come on up to my room.
You'll be in and out in an hour.
An hour.
An hour.
And oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
What if I give you a couple of bucks?
Oh, 10 bucks for your aggravations.
Just for your time.
I don't believe it.
20 bucks for half an hour?
30 dollars.
30 dollars.
That's a dollar a minute.
No.
Look.
You see this ring.
Look.
That's a wedding ring.
Yes, I'm a married woman.
Yes.
I don't sit here and talk with married women, huh?
Oh, good.
And this is not good for your...
I'm going to split, huh?
Good, good, good.
That's great.
Give me about three or four minutes
and follow me out to the elevator.
We'll go up to the front door.
Look, I'm pregnant.
I'm going to have a baby any minute.
Hey.
Oh, the contractions have started.
Hey, you ought to get to a hospital.
I've got a car out front.
I'll give you a drive, yeah?
Pretty nice.
You've got plenty of time.
Oh, I have on...
Maybe we can stop along the way
and have a bite to eat.
No, I don't want a bite to eat.
You're crazy.
You're a pig.
You're an animal.
Hi, welcome back to the show.
We've got to go here.
I want to thank Sugar Ray Leonard.
Of course, our thanks to Owen Thomas.
Fred Willard and Sandra Karen.
Delightful.
Very funny.
Thank you, folks, for being here.
Now, originally, we had scheduled
George Miller to be with us.
He will not be here tonight.
Check your local listings.
He'll be back in the future.
Tomorrow night, Charles Grodin,
performer Chaz Chase.
This guy eats stuff.
Small town news and stupid pet tricks.
Good night, folks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Good night, Charles Grodin.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, Paul.
Welcome to the show.
We have a keen program for you here.
Let me remind you once again, Gallagher, Fred Willard, and the gentleman who
has written
Blue Highways, a fascinating, best-selling book.
William Least Heatmoon will be joining us now.
Tonight, we are pleased to welcome affiliated station, that's the NBC-affiliated
station in
Houston, Texas, KPRC, to our late-night family.
And to honor that city, we're proud now to give you our own multimedia salute
to Houston,
Texas.
Relax, sit back, and enjoy it, if you will.
Won't you?
I know I will.
Houston, Texas, our salute, our multimedia salute to ... here it is ... there
it is, and maybe
even some music would be nice to ... there ... obviously, some kind of a mix-up
on the salute to Houston,
Texas, but we'll ... we'll try and work the bugs out of that salute to Houston,
Texas, and
our friends down there at KP ... is it KPRC?
KPRC in Houston, a little bit later ... okay ...
Sometimes, 