Name: Bill Hicks Collection on Letterman, Late Show, 1984-93
Uploaded: 2018-11-02T22:44:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Hicks Collection on Letterman, Late Show, 1984-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Hicks Collection on Letterman, Late Show, 1984-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-02. Transcript available.

Bill Hicks Collection on Letterman, Late Show, 1984-93

so this hamburger meat is seven years old good lord now that's not right uh we
have to go folks
i'm awfully sorry we ran out of time bill hicks the comedian will be with us as
soon as we can
reschedule him have a good weekend folks thank you very much
thank you very much paul my next guest up is a uh stand-up comedian who is
making his uh
in fact before we introduce him let me just say that i was just kidding about
the height of doug
flutie i think he's a fine ball player i don't i don't want to upset folks in boston
he's a
fine ball player he's been to the house a lovely human being and and for my
money he's plenty
tall for anything he wants to do my next guest is a stand-up comedian he is
making his network
television debut on this program tonight he is working this weekend at the
comedy workshop in
houston texas please give a warm welcome to bill hicks
good evening good evening my name is bill hicks thank you full name is william
melvin hicks thanks dad
there's a name with certain connotations huh hi my name is melvin hicks this is
my wife and my sister
okay
all right yeah i got a good look with it too you like my face it's a classic
trust me got the kind of face people walk up to me out of the blue and go what's
wrong
nothing well you know it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile
yeah you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me
alone
scariest thing i look just like my dad this is frightening aspect of my life
afraid i'm gonna wake up one day start acting like my dad
i love him you know but he's a goober
he means well he just doesn't pull it off you know made a vow i'd never act
like that the day i go
outside wait for the paper boy my underwear blow me away baby right there that's
it
you're wasting precious breath at that point
i've seen my dad in a bermuda jumpsuit looks like a psychedelic farmer walk
into mcdonald's and ask if
they served hamburgers and dad could you wait in the car please luckily the guy
behind the counter
was acting like his dad wait a minute i'll check you know yeah meanwhile they
just don't pull it off we
got christmas coming up remember i was younger go-karts were the thing we
wanted go-karts all my friends
christmas rolled around my friends got go-karts i'm 12 years old i got a
college dictionary
mom goes bill it's a thought that counts oh mom but what were you thinking
seriously
my dad feebly tried to make up for it well look son go-karts in it
yeah dad so is tightwatt
yeah college dictionary came in handy all four weeks i was in college
could not as hard as i tried wake up for that eight o'clock class man you know
that feeling at all
yeah i was going to night school too
look upon that as a hint i think i majored in philosophy
open and open up my own little belief one day
it's great taking philosophy in the summer time all you have in your class are
jocks trying to make
up credit didn't seem to fit in i had an eastern philosophy class first day
instructor walked out
goes god is consciousness and we are all god trying to realize our full
potential
whoa heavy duty guy in the back row goes yeah we're gonna need to know that
is that going to be on the quills
i'm taking notes
one of our textbooks was the new living bible you heard of this the bible with
the updated language
in it they update the language of the bible i don't know about you but when i
read and jesus
walked on water and peter said awesome
i'm into that for some reason i had a job for a while worked in an occult
bookstore
got to meet some fascinating people here man excuse me where's your devil
worship section
it's right behind your man thank you
i don't want to wait on this guy gonna spit soup on me i got a date tonight
psychos out there worked for a while in a movie theater that played exclusively
horror movies
got to watch the people that go to these things scarier than the movies you can
hear stuff in horror
movie audiences now like i remember when i cut off a head
am i in your way
i will crouch for that guy can't work i always end up working for what are they
called uh bosses
these guys that care about the job put a crimp in the work day oh always bugging
me hicks hicks
how come you're not working there's nothing to do man well pretend like you're
working
why don't you pretend that i'm working
pretend i'm mopping knock yourself out i'll pretend they're buying stuff let's
close up
you're all been great thank you very much
that was very nice very funny though please come back nice to see you sir
thanks again uh also my
thanks to charles mclaren and his sleeping box marv albert and uh terry ann
sachs tomorrow night
uh musician herbie man will be here and marissa berenson plus viewer mail have
a nice evening
thank you
all right a few months ago my next guest made his television debut on this
program and things have
been going great for him ever since so great in fact that he'll be working this
weekend at chip
flatos san antonio comedy club a very funny man please welcome comedian bill hicks
thank you thank you very much how many of y'all feel this is probably the peak
of the party right here
me too i am a comedian i like my job it's a good job i like the hour and uh it's
a tough job and i'm
here to do it i feel good about it i can't do anything else i have what's
called a bad attitude
got any bad attitudes out there i'm also not a team player
so my principal told me bill i'm sorry son but you're just not a team player oh
there's a couple of
sleepless nights i spent what am i gonna do all these jerseys i bought you know
i mean
i was born alone not with an infield all right so yeah i got a hostile attitude
a guy from a hostile
family it's pretty rough kids would come up to me when i was younger going my
dad can beat up your dad
i go when take the man out you know he's cutting the lawn saturday pick him off
then why don't you
well he's got on that bermuda jumpsuit he found somewhere in oklahoma i think i
don't know where
he sends away for that yeah i just got back from oklahoma i'm on my way to san
antonio my career
continues to wobble unevenly yeah oklahoma that's a great place impression of
oklahoma you like oklahoma
here's an impression for those who've never been before that was inside the
club i was playing
people in oklahoma think the marlboro man is effeminate okay and the women make
him look that
way so i was glad to get out of that place strange see signs by the road in oklahoma
signs saying dirt for
sale well i'd like to get inside that guy's mind and look around for an hour
this guy sees opportunity
at every glance man i don't know why he didn't open up an air dealership while
he was there as long as
you're selling the elements here thinking of starting your own planet come on
down to bo jams land land
i checked him out he had a great rap came up to me and goes i don't want to
pressure you now but
we got a family of worms looking at this they were here first yeah i like oklahoma
they got a southern
evangelist down there too i like southern evangelist real powerful dudes see
stuff on the tv guide on
sunday like brother dave heals the deaf show closed captioned how powerful is
brother dave here so we
got out of there quick even though warnings beside the road saying speed limit
is enforced by unmarked
vehicles we figured we were speeding in an unmarked vehicle how are they going
to know it's us
it's been pretty good been dating the same girl now for seven years i think i'm
finally ready to pop
the question why are we still seeing each other
it's gotten kind of ugly she freaked out on me she really freaked out calls me
up in the middle
of the night going i don't know who i am how did you know to call me
some pretty heavy odds there
tells me she's thinking about jumping in front of a bus and i'm not being very
helpful
so i sent her a bus schedule yeah look honey there's one every hour why do you
tease me i'm too old to
pull your hair all right i'm glad i don't want to be that wrapped up in anyone
look what it does to
other guys it's reading about vincent van gogh whoa guy cut off his ear and
sent it to this girl man
it makes a dozen roses look like a booger jack
wow and hear his friends going are you sure you love revenge he's going what
i think vence likes this chick man so i don't know i'm glad to be here i would
be a rock star
what a great job i am a rock star i'm just waiting to get my band together and
learn how to play an
instrument i'm on the road i'm watching entertainment tonight they came out and
announced paul mccartney
makes 10 million dollars a month that kind of puts our lives in perspective
there i'm watching that
going 10 million a month this guy next to me goes yeah but taxes eat that up
yeah paul's out there scrambling for rent right now
every time i think i'm partying too hard i just keep in mind that keith richards
is still alive
breathe a sigh of relief
makes that pack of marlboro a day look pretty mediocre compared to this guy's
lifestyle man
but he outlived jim fixx the runner and health nut so i'm stating facts make
your own connections
there uh i picture a nuclear war two things are gonna live keith and bugs
where did everybody go
i saw a bright light i thought we were on
hey folks thank you have a spiffy
okay we're almost out of time thank you very much bill you're very funny come
back
thanks a lot nice to see you again also my thanks to chris elliott diane brill
and seth miranda from ohio uh monday billy crystal paul young and paul riser
have a good weekend folks thank you very much
thanks paul arnie how about that last guy whoo
my next guest was all was always told he had an attitude problem but now it
gets him plenty of
steady work he can be seen on february 18th through the 23rd in dallas at the
comedy corner
please say hello to a very funny young man bill hicks bill come on out here
i'm all shook up thank you very much it's great to be back here since i was
here last my career has
been skyrocketing i uh been working a lot between la and new york now mostly in
oklahoma but i'm in
the country and that's important yeah oklahoma the only state arkansas i can
make fun of
it's arkansas state motto isn't it hey at least we're not oklahoma come on
so what if we're 48th in education we got scenery here
yeah last time i did a show in oklahoma it's real weird after the show guy came
up to me said
you're real funny i'd like you to meet my wife and sister and there's one girl
standing there
yeah we're talking hillbilly hill here uh clamp it's party of four
well my name is bill gives you a good idea where my creativity comes from my
parents
i know they sat up all night tossing that one around should we name him bill or
john honey what's
more common bill it is what a weird name every year teachers ask you the same
thing do you want to be
called bill or william they're two different names call me chuck if i got a
choice
chuck or charles
just had my high school reunion five-year high school reunion a month ago i
didn't go to it
i figured i didn't go to high school why should i show up five years later and
see these guys again
only way they'd remember me is if i put my name tag on my back and leaned over
a desk like this
hey look there's hicks let's wake him up and tell him we graduated what do you
think
yeah that was what they called an underachiever gross underachiever one time in
shop class teacher
gave us all a three by six told us to make something out of it i made a two by
four
guy gave me a d perfect two by four very disillusioned no luck one time in
first grade our
teacher left the room for like a minute we started playing keep away from this
girl with her pencil
everyone's laughing you know y'all quit it give me a yeah it's great pencil
came to me i threw it
went in this guy's eye blinds him for life everyone in class is going geez hicks
it's a game
what are you crazy or something
suddenly i'm henry lee hicks here because this guy can't catch a number two
pencil like a normal
yeah i got a chainsaw on my lunch box loo