Name: Richard Belzer Collection on Letterman, 1982-2008, Recut
Uploaded: 2018-11-06T01:19:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Richard Belzer Collection on Letterman, 1982-2008, Recut' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Richard Belzer Collection on Letterman, 1982-2008, Recut' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-06. Transcript available.

Richard Belzer Collection on Letterman, 1982-2008, Recut

Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
Richard Belzer was the host of a top-rated radio program right here in New York
City.
Most recently, he has been working in Motion Pictures, completing Author,
Author with Al Pacino.
He is also one of the most inventive stand-up comics in the business today,
and it's a pleasure to welcome Mr. Richard Belzer.
Oh! Hi! Hi!
Hi! Hi! How are you? Hi!
Great. You just answer me every time I talk to you, okay? Are you in a good
mood?
Yes!
Okay, that's the end of the audience participation.
Now, I'm in a good mood, so I was a little depressed when I got this morning,
because last night I had a dry dream, but I'm over that depression.
Actually, I'm still depressed because I didn't win an Oscar.
I wasn't nominated, but I still didn't win.
And I'm glad that Chariots of Fire won.
It's a great film and a great song in that film, right?
Yeah, it's a fire.
I'm running on the beach now.
They didn't have Adidas then.
It's the 1920s.
There's no black people running, so an English guy can win.
If I hear that song once more, I'm going to smack an Englishman in the mouth.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm a little tired of that song.
But I'm also glad that Katharine Hepburn won an Oscar for trying to keep her
head still for two hours.
That was quite...
Wait, now, wait.
First, like, moan at...
First you laugh, then you moan.
Like, moan at me, like I made that up.
Like, she doesn't shake her head, right?
I'm the guy that stands in the back of her head and does this, right?
So, boo me, right?
Great, no.
You've got to take Dramamine to watch that chick work.
But, you know, she's a great gal, and we all love her, but no.
It's a good thing the president didn't get it shot,
because now the Oscars are on time now.
But when Reagan got shot last year, it was really heavy and serious.
You know, no matter what you think of the man, you don't want him to get shot.
And you realize how many people want his job.
Like, as soon as Reagan got shot, the vice president was in Texas.
Bush heard that Reagan got shot, and he bought a new suit
because he thought he had a job.
That's how sensitive he was.
And Haig heard the president got shot,
and he called a press conference for no apparent reason.
He comes out, he says, I'm in charge here.
He's sweating, his tie's crooked, his hair's messed up,
he wet his pants, he's in charge here.
I'd rather live on the Falken Islands than have him in charge here.
That was pretty scary.
And now they're trying to, like, get everybody to join the Army
and the Navy and the Marines.
And I was down south last week working as a waiter.
No, I was down south.
And they had a commercial on Southern TV for the Air Force.
Like, they want to get people to join the Air Force.
Now, I think the Air Force probably has enough people that are ready,
but they run this commercial to discourage people from joining
because they had this guy on a colonel in the Air Force.
He had really short hair.
His hair was so short, it looked like little barbers crawled up his nose
and cut it from the inside.
And he was obviously reading cue cards.
He was sitting behind a desk.
He looked in the cue card and he said,
Howdy-do.
My name is Lieutenant Gray Sun.
Before I joined the Air Force, I could barely read.
You two can join an organization that's been in existence since World War I.
So I joined the Air Force the next day.
My last night on American television.
But also, you see Jack Nicholson at the Oscars with the real dark glasses on.
Jack's my idol.
He is one of my idols.
I have a lot of idols.
He's one of them.
And we went out to eat after.
I wasn't at the Oscars, but he called me up and went to Burger King.
He eats at Burger King all the time.
Pull up in the limo, go to Burger King.
And he orders.
He goes up to the guy at Burger King and says,
I want an omelet.
No potatoes.
Tomatoes instead.
And you can hold that big whopper between your knees, sweetheart.
Thanks a lot.
Richard, you danced out here, you danced off here.
I'm a dancing fool.
You'd really rather be a rock and roll guy, wouldn't you?
Well, I tried that.
You mentioned I was on the radio before.
I made a little money when you're on the radio.
They pay more than a hundred clear a week.
And I invested all my money in a band and a studio.
And that's why I'm here to ask you for a loan.
Now, what came of that?
Did you have...
I have some tapes that you can hear any time you come over to my house.
Right?
It would be the same deal as Slim Whitman's Company.
Get in on that and...
Not quite that successful.
Mail those suckers out here.
I changed my name to Dick Whitman, but it didn't work.
It didn't work?
It was ridiculous.
You're living in Los Angeles presently?
I live out in the Hollywood place.
Yeah.
It's a crazy place.
You don't look like a guy...
It's nutty out there.
They're fabulous people and they're nuts.
You don't look like a guy who'd live in California.
You look like a New Yorker.
I look like a limo driver, right?
No, you said that to me once before and I couldn't forget it.
It was such a fabulous line.
No.
Just because you look like David Hartman doesn't mean I can look like a limo
driver.
Which is also your line.
It was.
I just do your lines to play it safe so I'll get asked back.
Most of this stuff...
Now, but the Catherine Hepburn stuff wasn't my line, was it?
No, no, no.
You want to clear that up in case she wants to do the show.
Just have a headrest for her.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to know she was a guy.
Hey, we're just kidding around here.
Oh, it's Catherine.
Plus, it's late.
It's like quarter after one.
What the hell?
We can...
Where?
For Catherine, it's quarter after one.
Everywhere it's quarter after one.
Ooh.
Now, how...
Tell me about your movies.
You're a big motion picture, a driving force in the American cinema.
Well, I did do my own stunt driving in a film that I did.
Now, one thing I'm very excited about is I'm doing a movie with Robert Downey,
the guy that did Putney Swope and Greaser's Palace.
That's one of the reasons I'm in town.
And I just finished a movie with Al.
Are you really...
Something wrong here?
There's something really, really wrong here?
No, you're out of water.
Your car is out of water.
He does that in every movie for no reason.
Regardless.
Don't make any difference.
No, it was really good to work with him
because it's like a master class in acting,
watching him work.
He was a great actor.
Well, things are going great for you.
Well, since I was on this show last...
Let me ask you one thing.
Let me ask you one thing.
Is it true here that you roughed up Henry Winkler?
Is that a possibility?
Well, there was a scene in the movie.
I play a pimp and a killer.
Can you say pimp on TV?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
There was a scene in the movie.
See, he cuts in on the heavy in the movies,
we say, not literally.
It's a figurative term for it.
Villain.
Mm-hmm.
People in crevice, Alabama.
And that means villain.
Now, I was the villain in the movie.
And there's one scene where I get to smack Henry around,
so the Bells beats up the Fonz.
Unbelievable.
You know.
We'll look for that.
Well, he's a good guy.
I don't mean...
I don't want to be derisive of Henry because he was...
I hope you come back and see us
if you're ever in New York, New York again.
Anytime you want me.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Richard Bell is here.
We'll be right back with Edmund Newman.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
My first guest tonight, Mr. Richard Belzer,
has been here several times before.
He is currently featured in two motion pictures,
Author, Author, and also Night Shift.
A very talented actor and comedian.
Please welcome Richard Belzer.
Hi.
Hi.
How you doing?
Prove it.
One at a time.
One at a time.
Come down here and prove it.
Come on.
We have an hour.
Let's, you know...
Can you turn this light up a little more?
Because I want to be Tron's niece in about an hour.
Okay, babe?
I'm a little irritable.
I have to admit,
because I didn't get much sleep last night.
I was asleep in my bed,
which is a great coincidence
to be asleep in your bed.
This is a good place to be.
And it was about 2.30 in the morning
and I sensed a presence of someone else in the room
and it actually woke me up.
And I looked
and there was the Queen of England
sitting at the foot of my bed.
She just wanted to talk.
And then she wanted a cigarette and...
I said,
Babe,
Your Majesty,
you know,
how did you get in this building?
I have great security here.
So I finally got rid of her,
but that's why I'm a little tired today.
She was on her way to Hawaii.
She's going to Hawaii to meet her son
and her daughter-in-law.
Is that for the law you're clapping, babe?
Or are you just glad to see me?
Hard to believe.
Hey.
Hard to believe.
All right,
don't,
don't,
like,
make a hero out of the guy.
He said one thing that was funny,
you know.
Let him come up here and do five,
then clap.
Okay, babe?
I'll go up there
and go home with this date
and then clap for me.
All right?
All right.
Anyway.
Now cut that out.
No,
I'm going to Hawaii, too.
I was hoping I'd bump into the Queen again
so I could break into her room,
but,
you know,
people have these things about New York,
the energy of the city,
and then they say L.A. is laid back,
and everyone has,
you know,
all these stories about it,
but Hawaii is even further away
than L.A.
so geographically,
they're more laid back
than you can imagine,
and I figured out why.
It's because
the marijuana there
is reputed to be,
I don't know,
you know,
from experience,
but from people that I know,
you know,
musicians and stuff like that.
The marijuana there
is supposed to be so strong
that it's the strongest in the world,
and it makes you wonder
how these people can communicate
because they smoke
and they try to talk.
And the Hawaiian alphabet
only has 17 letters in it,
so, you know,
they got high and they quit.
They couldn't go to 27.
And every street in Hawaii
has 11 Ks in it.
So if you're a mainlander
or a haole,
as they say,
and you want directions,
they say,
go down to Makahene,
Makaluka,
I mean,
can't you number the streets, babe?
Come on,
give me a break.
I don't pray to volcanoes.
Just tell me how to get home, okay?
My hand is caught in my hair, okay?
I'm okay.
I go down a lot,
and I'm all right.
You know,
my hair has a mind of its own.
Last night,
I went bowling by itself,
so my pants are going down.
Anyway,
I put my hands in my pockets,
I think because of you.
You just,
I usually work like this,
but I see David
and my watch falls off
and my hands go in my pockets.
He's an influence on all of us
and we're proud of it,
really,
in this industry of Oz.
Before I go,
I'd like to stay.
No.
I was reading backstage
that Bob Dylan now
is releasing his bar mitzvah tapes.
He's Jewish again.
First he's Christian,
then he's Jewish.
He's like the certs of religion.
Stop.
You're both right.
You know,
it's...
But can you imagine
what Bob Dylan's bar mitzvah
must have sounded like?
Baruch atadunah el-him.
Millie kolun.
Zoom, golly, golly, golly, zoom.
Then his voice changes, right?
Lay, lay, lay.
Where did he get that voice?
I think he got hit in the head
and he watched Popeye for an hour.
Lay, lady, lay.
Da-da-da-da-da.
Have a spitting souffle.
Come back tomorrow, Bob, okay?
And try it again.
But I have a fantasy about Dylan
I'd like to share with you.
I feel that no matter how old Dylan gets,
he'll continue to perform.
This is my image of my fantasy
of the 86-year-old Bob Dylan
in concert,
the old Dylan.
Once upon a time
you dressed so fine
you threw the bombs a dime
in your prime.
Didn't you?
People called,
said you were dull,
you're bound to fall.
You thought they was all
kidding you.
Used to laugh about.
Everybody that was hanging out.
Now you don't talk so loud,
Mr. Big Shot, huh?
Now you don't feel so proud
about having to be scrounging
your next meow.
How does it feel
to be on your own?
Just like a complete unknown, boy.
With no direction home, boy.
Just like a rolling gallstone.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you