Name: Viewer Mail on Letterman, November 16, 1990
Uploaded: 2018-11-26T21:34:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, November 16, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Viewer Mail on Letterman, November 16, 1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-26. Transcript available.

Thank you very much. Thank you. David, as per your request, you can dress him
up, but you can still not take him anywhere.
Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Kapler on the tenor saxophone, Al Chez on the
trumpet, the LaToya Jackson horns.
The LaToya Jackson horns. Thank you.
And you, tonight, tonight you have the lovely dinner clothing on. Very nice.
Thank you. Because last night you were dressed like after the show you were
maybe going to go wilding.
You look just fine tonight. Thank you for being here.
You look better tonight.
Yeah. So, anyway, Paul, see if you can guess what the topic today on the Oprah
Winfrey show was.
In a million years, try to guess this.
I don't know what it is.
Could you be, are you as cute as you are?
What does that mean?
Well, I don't know, but that was the topic.
What does that mean? Are you as cute as you are?
Are you as cute as you are?
Now, I didn't see the program, but people tell me that Oprah feels that a year
ago she was cuter.
Than she is now.
It was a year ago she was cuter than she is now.
Now, this morning I'm watching this other show, the Sally Jesse Raphael show.
Have you ever seen this?
Yeah.
Man, I'm telling you, every day they show you a side of life and you say to
yourself,
there but for the grace of God go I.
Because you see things that are disturbing, that make you weep, that sometimes
fill you with joy.
What did she have today?
They demonstrate on a daily basis the resiliency of the human spirit.
All right.
What did Sally Jesse have today?
Well, now, this morning it was not a happy story.
And I don't know if I can tell this story without bumming people out as the
kids say.
We're resilient, too.
Go ahead.
All right.
Well, we're all adults.
And I'll just try and represent this as factual as I can from the account this
morning on the television.
Very, very sad story.
This part is not amusing whatsoever.
But that doesn't hold true for the rest of the show.
The rest of the show will be, you know.
We'll be hysterical.
All right.
So they had a guy on, and I don't know what the topic is.
It certainly wasn't, uh, are you as cute as you can be?
And the guy says, well, uh, my dad shot my mom, then he shot me, then he shot
himself.
Great.
Okay.
So now that's out of the way, and you're thinking, oh, my God.
Yeah.
So then Sally says, well, what happened to you?
And he said, well, I went into the hospital.
And she said, well, how did it go in the hospital?
And he said, well, frankly, I was losing the will to live.
Sally says, why the depression?
Oh, maybe it was the hospital food.
Maybe it was bed sores.
We don't know.
Yeah, who knows?
Maybe he's just having an off day.
Who knows what it was?
Okay.
Here we go.
Let's go.
It's a viewer mail night, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight's the night.
Mmm.
Cover up the Costa del Sol on my forehead.
Here we go.
Letter number one.
Actual letters from actual viewers.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, Dave.
What's that blue thing?
Jim Norton.
Madison, Wisconsin.
And now it's time for that mysterious visitor from the East.
Go ahead and astound us.
Oh, great and wise one.
Thank you very much.
Canadian bacon breath.
You flatter me, sir.
What's that blue thing?
What's that blue thing?
May your sister wake up one morning drunk between Millie and Vanillie.
And the question.
What do people do when a Smurf exposes himself on the subway?
No!
We had a mistake in the psychic communication.
There was a psychic typo here on the carnet thing.
There's a psychic typo?
It's supposed to be, what do people say?
Oh.
See, there you go.
There's your joke.
Hey, did you take the rest of my things?
Where the hell are they?
I didn't take anything.
What did I do with them?
Did the hat knock them off?
I left everything there.
Why the depression?
Oh, you're there, yeah.
Right there under my hat.
A little trick I learned from Johnny.
You keep them under your hat.
Under your hat, yeah.
Dear Dave, I am a 48-year-old woman
who is wildly attracted to Morty, our producer.
I tune in mainly for the occasional Morty glimpse.
Do you remember Morty glimpse?
Yeah, Morty used to hang around the stage deli, did he?
Morty glimpse and some of the early comics from the 30s?
Morty glimpse?
Yeah.
Very funny man, yeah.
He used to do a thing with-
Work the mountains.
He was the best.
Let's give this lust bunny, oh God, more airtime.
I know there has to be a slew of us who absolutely, positively love Morty.
Well, they're talking about our producer, Robert Morton.
This is from Nancy Olsen in Chicago, Illinois.
Well, you know, Nancy, since we do get many letters just like this one,
we decided to do something for all you Morty lovers out there in our audience.
Please enjoy this, won't you?
Are you a Morty lover?
Would you like to talk to him?
Well, now you can on 1-900-Morty.
We've got K-Mar the Magician on the 15th.
Well, I usually head down to the studio about a half hour before the taping.
You want to know how I time the show?
It's on NBC.
Yeah, well, he's kind of a jerk, but the pay's pretty good.
That's 1-900-Morty.
Remember, it's $1.50 for the first minute, $1 for each additional minute.
Children under 16, ask your parents.
Good morning, Morty.
Okay, dear Dave, letter number three begins,
I really don't get it.
Can you tell me what's going on in the minds of people who drive with their
turn signals on?
What are they really thinking about anyway?
Please, please tell me what you think, Dave.
I seem to get behind a blinker once a week.
I am really annoyed.
Signed, Lisa Zink from Rochester, New York.
You know, this is a funny letter, and Lisa, I must tell you something.
I, too, occasionally am guilty of leaving my turn signal on, and I know it can
be very bothersome.
Oh, look.
I've left it on here tonight.
You're a turn signal fan.
Here.
Let me grab the giant comedy turn signal lever and turn it off.
There you go.
You know, I'm telling you, kids, this is comedy.
Why?
Why the depression?
Yeah.
Are we done?
One more.
Oh, man.
I'm having a collating problem tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
Letter number four.
Dear Dave, do you have a window in your office?
And if so, what's the view like?
This comes from Hans E. Weiss, Perry, Michigan.
I'll tell you what, Hans, our office is way up on the 14th floor, so we can't
really go up there.
And the only actual window we have here in the studio is backstage.
And I'll show you.
I think you'll agree with me that out of this window really has not much of a
view.
It kind of leaves something to be desired.
Here's the window right here.
Let me open it up and see if you...
There, look.
See, we have to look at this all day.
I'm always really interested in seeing that.
I better close that up for you right now.
You know, I'm kind of depressed now.
But again, tonight, the studio couldn't be more comfortable.
Well, I'm happy to hear that.
Yes, sir.
We have a great program for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Penn & Teller, Mary Chapin-Carpenter, and Tom Wolfe.
Please, if you can, hang on.