Name: Spalding Gray Collection on Letterman, 1986-1990
Uploaded: 2018-12-10T03:12:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spalding Gray Collection on Letterman, 1986-1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spalding Gray Collection on Letterman, 1986-1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-10. Transcript available.

Spalding Gray Collection on Letterman, 1986-1990

We'll be right back.
Norman Rockwell. Please, folks, welcome Spaulding Gray.
Hi, Spaulding. Good to meet you, Kevin. Come on over and have a seat here.
You know, I think some people, myself included, might have a difficult time in
describing you properly or introducing you adequately.
Was that all right, what we just said here? Does that come close to anything
you are?
That's the beginning.
Yeah?
And, you know, one thing I wanted to say about inexpensive beauty aids.
Oh, good.
That brought up a memory, watching out on the monitor outside.
When my brother and I first realized we were going bald, we started using early
morning urine.
No, he insisted it work. And what we do is disguise it by putting it in a hair
tonic bottle, because we couldn't put it on our hair right off like that, you
know, just in a cup.
And it is a fantastic way to kind of recycle all of that stuff and very
inexpensive.
Let me ask you one important question here.
Who's?
I'd use mine, he'd use his.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. Well, and it has restorative powers?
It didn't work.
Oh, it didn't work.
Yeah. The Germans used it in World War II, and the Peruvians use it in Peru.
So today I was going through trying to figure out who I was exactly through the
files, all of the reviews.
I got very nervous because I realized that no one knew who I was.
And that scared me. I got really cottonmouthed and was afraid to come on.
Yeah.
I thought, how am I going to do it in eight minutes?
And so I ate a half a pound of turkey.
Mm-hmm.
It actually has a natural enzyme in it, tryptophan.
Tryptophan, yeah.
Yeah, which is a real...
It helps you relax.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I came up with a wasp Woody Allen, which you said is based on Norman Rockwell,
a combination of Russell Baker and Mr. Rogers,
Ralph Lauren playing a younger version of Carl Sandburg,
a combination of Huck Finn and Candide,
a horny pilgrim,
a new wave Mark Twain.
Uh-huh. I like that.
Yeah, you do?
Yeah, I do like that, yeah.
Why?
I just, I like the ring to it,
and I guess I understand that one a little more than some of those others.
When I read that one to my brother,
he said it's a contradiction of terms, new wave Mark Twain.
It'd be impossible to have that?
Yeah, I don't know why I said that.
Yeah, but of course he was putting urine on his head,
so what does this guy know?
James Joyce, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson,
a male Lily Tomlin,
a Chinese nesting toy,
or an intricate trick box.
This is getting a little uptown for me here.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation,
Elevated to the Realm of Art,
and last of all,
a cross between David Letterman and Andy Warhol.
There you go.
That's the one.
That's the one there.
Now let's talk about your show,
the one at Lincoln Center,
and I guess you do it all over the United States,
don't you suppose?
Right.
And it's a presentation of monologues.
Is that?
That's it.
I sit behind a table and talk for an hour and 40 minutes.
How did this begin?
Well, it began in the performing garage downtown here.
I was talking a lot.
And a combination of things.
I wanted to go into therapy.
Right.
I thought that I could talk it out there.
Classical psychoanalysis,
but they rejected me three times
at the Columbia Presbyterian Institute.
Why?
Oh, they said I traveled too much
and that real deep therapy was a very dangerous thing
and I should go into mild therapy first,
like, you know, one hour a week.
But I wanted to talk every night or every day.
So I started doing it to my audience.
Yeah.
And the first monologue I did was in 1979
in the performing garage called
Sex and Death to the Age 14,
in which I sit there and try to remember
everything I could about sex and death
until I was 14, which isn't much.
Yeah.
But it is a therapeutic endeavor then.
Well, no.
No, it's out of that way.
I make a living from it now.
You're also an actor.
Have we seen you in films?
Oh, God, just barely.
I mean, if you blinked,
you could have missed it in The Killing Fields.
I had a small role in there.
I was the American Ambassador's Aid.
Although the other day,
I was walking up Broadway
and a bus driver got off a bus and said,
weren't you in The Killing Fields?
I remember you were the American Ambassador's Aid.
I was amazed.
That long ago.
A bus driver?
That long ago.
A bus driver said this?
Yeah, and I would still get across borders
with my passport.
It says actor on my passport.
Do you spend a lot of time in Los Angeles getting work?
I mean, do you...
I've had a rough time with Los Angeles.
After I did The Killing Fields,
I couldn't make up my mind
whether I wanted to work
for the Cambodian refugees
or become an actor.
And I think I did the wrong thing.
I opted for the actor
because I had been trained
to be an actor at Emerson College.
So I went off to Hollywood
and I just, you know,
would go up for everything.
I got an agent, first of all.
First thing that sent me up
was for Hail to the Chief.
I was supposed to be Patty Duke's husband
in the sitcom Hail to the Chief.
She is the...
First woman president.
I was supposed to be her husband.
It was between me and Dick Sean.
And it was real close,
except he was funnier than I am.
And he had memorized all his lines.
But I said to my friends
when I got back to the East Coast,
why, Patty Duke was on books.
She hadn't memorized her lines.
They said, she's got the role.
Yeah.
So now I'm working
on memorizing the lines.
So then I was called back,
was sent out for a number of things.
I didn't want to do any judgment,
you know, like the I Ching says,
no judgment.
And so I was just trying
to be very open
to the whole situation.
St. Elsewhere I was up for,
they sent me up for a Bowery bum,
you know, which they said
all I had to do was not shave
for five days and not eat.
Well, I said I'd stop eating
when I signed the contract.
But I wouldn't shave.
Now, it's very easy
to look like a Bowery bum
in Hollywood.
Or, you know, I mean,
just put on a raincoat
and a T-shirt.
And my problem was
that I thought
I was the only one up for it.
And I arrived
and all these other Bowery bums
were sitting in the waiting room,
you know, with me.
All these guys
with raincoats on.
So part of my problem
with being an actor
is I look around and go,
well, he could do it.
You know,
but what's wrong with him?
You know?
I mean, I think
I'd make a better
casting director, right?
So this guy starts in
on my, well, we're waiting.
He says, oh, wow,
my agents really made it
for me, man.
I was drinking a fifth of scotch.
I was drinking
a fifth of scotch a week
in New York City.
They send me out
on the plane
on Christmas Eve
so I'll have a seat
to lie down on.
They front me $2,000.
They give me a car.
They're sending me out
for everything.
I haven't had a drink
since I've been in L.A.
I thought, let him have it.
Perfect.
So the next thing
they send me up for
is for, you know,
Mr. Sunshine.
You know?
I think it's on now.
Henry Winkler
was producing.
It's the story
of a man who,
a psych...
A college professor?
Yeah, a professor.
Which I was teaching
college at the time
so I thought
it'd be perfect.
Yeah.
He had just gotten divorced.
I've never been married
but I have been separated
so I could relate to that.
And just after he got divorced
he went blind.
Right.
It was a sitcom.
So all the great blind jokes
was wedged
into that first pilot,
you know?
And I arrived for it
and I was rolling up the window
and I looked out
and an actual blind man
was passing by my car.
And I thought,
uh-huh,
some message there.
And I came in
and Henry said,
here he is, folks,
Spaulding Gray.
Henry had seen me before
do my monologue
with a box of cards
which have titles on it.
He says,
this man stands
in front of an audience
naked with a box of cards.
Now,
they're very literal-minded
in Hollywood.
They slowly turn
to see if I'm dressed.
I said,
I sit, Henry.
I sit in front
of a box of cards.
So he says,
would you please
read for it?
So I read for it
and the co-producer says,
you're a little soft.
I said,
I'll go a little louder.
He said,
but I don't think
a college professor
would talk that soft.
I said,
but I am one.
I am a college professor.
He said,
but you're not blind.
You compensate
for the blindness.
So I go a little louder
and they say,
thank you very much
for coming in.
When I get out
in my Nissan Sentra,
I turn on the radio
and they're reading
from Shostakovich's
diaries of all things
at noon
and they're talking
about Stalin
taking all of the
blind storytellers
and poets
and lining them up
against a pit
and shooting them.
Let that one go.
You know,
you've got to learn
to read the signs,
you know.
They're coming at you
all the time.
I think they're in Hollywood.
Yeah, yeah.
My, my,
what a strange affair.
Oh, that's not
the end of it.
Yeah, it goes on.
Finally, finally, finally,
I almost starred
opposite Farrah Fawcett
in a TV movie
for the week.
But you didn't get that one.
They thought
I thought too much.
In the final analysis,
they saw this wrinkle
between my eyes
and said that
I didn't have
that go for it spirit,
that I was hesitating.
No,
they wanted to know
if I could love
Farrah Fawcett
on camera.
And I got very confused
because I,
I didn't even know her.
I said,
you do?
They said,
you do love her,
don't you?
I said,
oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
But I,
I don't know her.
Don't know her, yeah.
They said,
well, you've got to act
like you love her.
Well, that's very confusing.
I act like I love
my girlfriend often.
You know,
I put my,
I put my arm around her.
I act like that,
you know,
I kiss her.
So it's all
a very confusing thing
to act, you know.
But fortunately,
your one-man shows
are going quite nicely
and you have
your book here.
You have it there.
Yeah, great.
It's called
Sex and Death
at the Age 14
and this gentleman
is Spaulding Gray.
Contemporary Gulliver.
Listen, listen,
can you come back
again another time?
Oh, yeah, when?
All right, well,
as soon as you can.
Oh, absolutely.
We'll work something out.
All right,
Spaulding Gray, folks.
We'll be right back
with Benny King.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right,
our next guest
has been described
as being a waspy
Woody Allen
and a new wave
Mark Twain.
He is a talented
performer and writer
and he is now
starring in a film
version of his monologue
entitled
Swimming to Cambodia.
Please welcome back
Spaulding Gray.
Oh, Spaulding.
Hi.
Good to see you.
I'll be all right.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be just fine.
How are you doing?
I'm well.
I'm good.
Thanks for coming back.
When you were here
the first time,
I guess, what,
six months ago or so?
Oh, August.
In August, yeah.
And that was your
first time on our show.
Did you get any kind
of response?
I'm always interested
in whether it means
anything to a person's life
when they come on the show.
God, it changed my life
in a strange way.
For instance,
my father,
I don't think
he's ever heard of you.
My father and stepmother
go to bed at 9 o'clock
at night
and they set the alarm
to get up at 1.
Now, you remember
you had Raquette on.
That's where we had
the International Beauty Secrets.
And she reminded me
of how my brother and I
used to try to cure
our baldness
with early morning urine.
Oh, God.
Remember that?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, my stepmother heard...
And I asked you
how you applied it.
Right.
My stepmother heard
that opening line
and went to bed
after that.
They turned it right off.
My father watched it.
He kept it on.
But she wouldn't speak
to me for two weeks
after that.
Yeah.
She said,
this is your chance.
You're on national television.
You could talk about
such a thing.
Well, it's insanity.
Well, I did the old
Lenny Bruce line.
Well, how do you
watch the evening news?
Yeah, yeah.
But that went right over her.
Didn't make a dent.
Yeah.
So, also, my brother is...
My older brother
teaches English
in Pennsylvania
at a boys' school.
The emphasis is on sports
and business.
You know, getting
into business now.
But his favorite book
is Walden.
You know, Thoreau's Walden.
Do you know the book?
Well, sure.
Oh.
And, um...
I'm not exactly
dealing with a chimp here,
you know.
Anyway, he's trying
to teach that book
and they said,
