Name: "Round the Horn" Collection on Letterman, (1984)-93
Uploaded: 2019-01-23T05:49:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Round the Horn" Collection on Letterman, (1984)-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"Round the Horn" Collection on Letterman, (1984)-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-23. Transcript available.

"Round the Horn" Collection on Letterman, (1984)-93

I was on vacation. I'll tell you something that really can ruin a vacation. I
came back
in this morning, bright and early, right around dawn. I had to go to the
dentist for root
canal work, and this really upsets me. Right in the middle of it, the dentist
says to me,
oh, gee, it looked a lot different in the manual.
I'll tell you what let's do. Let's go around the room, and we'll just check in
with the various
members of our staff, and we'll see if they had a good vacation. Paul, how
about you? We'll start
with you. Did you have a nice vacation? I had a very nice vacation. Okay, thank
you, Paul. Barry?
Barry, did you have a nice vacation? I had a good vacation. Bill, how about
yourself?
Fantastic, Dave, and opened up the second one of the Bill Wendell announce
camps.
All those are nice, where Bill Wendell has a little announce camp, and
youngsters from all over the
country go up into the mountains with Bill for a couple of weeks. Okay, let's
check in with our
director, Hal Gurney. Hal, did you have a nice vacation? Yes, Dave. Check
around there in the
control room. How about Pete? Pete had to work. Oh, Pete had to work. Gee, we're
sorry, aren't
we? All right, how about Brian? Brian? Wonderful vacation. Okay, great. Now,
and last but not least,
let's check with Barbara. Barbara, did you have a nice vacation? Yeah, I was
great. Okay, well.
Before we get to the show, Paul, I know you have a guest over there you'd like
to introduce. This
is a big thrill for me. All right. This guy really needs no introduction. He's
a piano master.
Everybody knows him. I just wanted to introduce him. He came by to sit in
tonight, and we're
all really thrilled. Say hello to Dr. John, everybody, on the piano. Hi, John.
How are you?
On the piano. Yes, the good doctor will be with us.
How's that? Glad to have him.
What area of medicine is the doctor in, by the way?
He says all. All forms. So he's a GP, general practitioner.
He has an interest. I want you to hear his term for what we are going to be
indulging in later
on with the sled. What is it? A lugerication. A little lugerication.
Lugerication. Yeah. It's a bi kind of a term. Dr. John is here.
The damn pie has passed a pall on the whole proceedings here. Let's get to the
top ten list
for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, from the Home Office in Lincoln,
Nebraska.
Dave. Dave. Yes, Bill. Our announcer, Bill Window. Yes, Bill. What can I do for
you?
Sorry to interrupt, Dave. No interruption. Sure go ahead.
I just wanted to introduce a fellow announcer and a very good friend of mine.
He's sitting
in with me tonight, Mr. Don Pardo. Oh, hi, Don. Nice to see you. Don Pardo.
Glad to be here, Dave. Thank you very much, Don. Thanks for having me, Dave.
Okay, thank
you very much. And thanks for letting me borrow your tie. All right. Okay. From
the Home Office
in Lincoln, Nebraska, the category tonight, the top ten category is... Dave.
Dave. Dave.
Yes. Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt again. That's Bailey, one of our camera
operators.
Yes, Bailey. What can I do for you? Dave, I'd like to introduce you to my
friend, fellow
cameraman. I'm sorry I didn't get your name. Mike Hanrahan, my fellow cameraman.
Mike's looking for a place. Mike's looking for a place to pull some cable
tonight, so I
invited him over. He's going to sit in with the crew. Oh, good. Very nice. What
a strange
coincidence, but yet delightfully wonderful. Okay. The top ten category tonight
from the
Home Office. Dave. I'd like to introduce a friend of mine that's sitting in.
Yes, Kevin.
May I help you? He used to do cue cards for Regis Philbin. You do cue cards for
Regis Philbin on
the morning show over there? No, no. On the Lifetime Cable Show. Oh, that's
right. Anyway,
this is Doug. I'm sorry? Doug. Hi, Doug. Nice to see you. Kevin and Doug. Kevin
and Doug.
All right. Here we go. From the Home Office in Lincoln, Nebraska, the top ten
category tonight.
Dave. Yes, Hal. Dave. Yes, Hal. Can I interrupt to introduce a good friend of
mine?
Well, sure, Hal. Go right ahead. Who do you have there with you?
Uh, take four. Dave, this is, uh, my friend Art Dickerson. Hi, Art. How are you?
Nice to see you.
I used to, uh, direct Hazel, Dave. You probably went from those days. Hazel.
What was that, Hal? What did you say?
He used to direct Hazel. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. Used to direct Hazel, Paul.
That's Art Dickerson.
Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. He used to direct some, uh, High Chaparral sequences, too.
Some sequences for High Chaparral.
Well, he's through the whole show at times. Oh, I see. I see. But a lot of
times it's just, just part of the show. Yeah. Right.
But, but, and, and, uh, what's that man to your, uh, right laughing about?
It's, uh, no. Pete Fadovich, or? Oh, yes. Okay, there he goes. I know.
All right, Dave. I know. He's, uh, he's, uh, there's a warrant out for that man
in several.
All right, would you like to call one for the old, good old days? Okay, call
one and let's hurry this up.
Let's have a two. Okay. Gosh. All right, now.
Anyway, tonight's, uh, category, the top ten list from the home office in
Lincoln, Nebraska.
The category, top ten signs that Dan Rather, Dan Rather, the voice of CBS News.
The top ten signs that Dan Rather is goofy. Here we go.
Uh, and, uh, oh, Martha Stewart will be here tonight.
Who is she? And, uh, she is lifestyle and entertainment consultant, Martha
Stewart.
Ah. I met her backstage. She was lovely. Very lovely.
She's going to be on here to tell us how to make this show more entertaining.
Stylish. She was stylish and entertaining.
That's right. And also, the, uh, New York City Parks Commissioner, Henry Stern,
will not be with us tonight.
No? Take a look at the card, buddy. He's been X'd out.
Oh.
Reading the information I have, this man is a memory.
Right? Right there. Yeah, but we will get the permit, right?
Yeah, you bet.
Okay. Uh, well, you guys...
Still get the permit, even though we cut the guy, we won't let him on the show.
Came all the way down here, we said, sorry, buddy.
Yeah.
Richard Lewis was too neurotic.
That's the way it goes.
We'll still, we'll still get a permit.
Yeah, we'll get it.
You know, uh, you guys sound terrific tonight.
Thank you very much.
In fact, not only tonight, you always...
Thank you very much.
How do you, how do you do that?
How, how is it you always, night in and night out, you sound great?
It's very simple.
I, I, I simply live my life, uh, uh, following the musician's pledge.
Musician's pledge?
Yeah, musician's...
I didn't realize there was a musician's...
Oh, absolutely there is.
Every musician takes it, and it goes, it goes like this.
I pledge to play music not only with my hands, but with my heart, soul, and
mind.
So that I may delight all who hear, and, and so ease the burden of my fellow
man.
This is the musician's pledge.
Wow, very nice.
Nice.
I didn't, I didn't even know, you see, I didn't even know there was a musician's
pledge.
Very nice.
And, uh, yes, Hal, our director, Hal Gurney.
Yeah, the directors have a pledge, too.
Yeah, do you want to hear it?
Uh, do we have time, Hal?
I'll make time.
All right, here's, Hal Gurney, the directors, the directors' pledge, please.
Music, please.
I pledge to employ my craft and technical expertise to present Dave and his
guests in the most flattering
manner possible, and a cutaway when Dave starts doing something particularly
stupid or embarrassing.
This is the director's pledge.
Wow.
Geez, I had no idea that there was, uh, a director's pledge.
That, that, that, that, that's amazing.
That really is fascinating.
Dave?
So, yes, Anton, what a...
I took a pledge, as well.
You, you have a pledge?
Yeah.
Anton, is, is it anything like the musician's pledge?
You heard that one?
Yeah, Paul just did it for us a minute ago.
Oh, oh, never mind, I'm sorry.
Wow.
Okay, coming up...
Dave, Dave, excuse me.
Yes, one of our stagehands, Al Marr.
Yes, Al?
I have a pledge, Dave.
Oh, really?
Yes, I do.
Could we hear it?
I, Aloysius Anthony Marr, shall, shall lift, carry, and otherwise transport
coffee to and
from Dave's desk.
To this cause, I pledge my life, my fortune, and my sacred honor.
Well, bless your heart, Al.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me, I have no idea that you took that job, uh, so seriously.
Uh, Bailey, what, what about cameramen?
Do they have any kind of oath or pledge?
Yes, we do, Dave.
Oh, could we hear a little of it?
Yes.
Okay.
I promise to stay in focus.
Very nice.
Thank you very much.
You know, I have no idea that I was surrounded by such dedicated people.
It gives me a good feeling to know that.
It's amazing.
I, I think you just, I think you just violated the musician's pledge.
Yes, sir, what can we do for you?
I know you're in a hurry to go to commercial and all, but, uh, I think I speak
for the entire
audience when I say, we pledge to holler at and applaud your comedy segments,
regardless of their quality.
Am I right?
All right, now, now, go, now.
There you go.
We'll be right back here with Donna Summer, we think.
Hey, hi, how you doing?
Welcome back to the show.
Boy, that kid in the coat and tie can sure play drums, can't he?
Yes, yes, yes.
Nice job, Antoine.
Thank you very much.
Antoine, thank you, by the way.
Paul, did I tell you, at one point, the wind was so powerful, so strong, like a
nor'easter
or something, or like a hurricane, or a gale, or a tornado at sea.
It was a sea tornado.
Like a sea, like a tornado.
Caught us up, actually flipped the boat over, and for eight hours, we were
submerged.
Wow.
You had a nightmare out at sea.
Where were you?
It just happens about 50% of the time.
Where were you sailing?
This was, this was, we were way off the coast of the Canaries.
I see.
Near Tahiti.
Really?
You need a sextant if you're going to do any of that.
You do need, yeah.
Oh, do you?
Can you say that on television?
I can use some now.
Oh, look.
Ladies and gentlemen, my manager for the last 54 years, Mr. Jack Rollins.
Say goodbye, Jack.
As you know, Jack, Jack handles me and a handful of circus folks.
Coming up in this half hour, author Michael Lewis, who has written the runaway
bestseller book
entitled Liar's Poker, and a man, now this is interesting, because we're
beginning a brand
new year, we have a man here who has now figured out a way for us to be using a
13-month calendar,
because the existing calendar is confusing.
He has simplified it simply by adding another month.
The existing calendar is confusing.
Yeah, because you can never remember which day has 31, which month has 30,
which month has 31, and so forth.
So he's simplified the whole thing.
Yeah, that's right.
He's got a 13-month calendar.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is our very first program of 1990, so I thought this
would be
a good time to reaffirm the pledge I made to our viewers when this program
began.
I, Dave Letterman, pledge myself to the sacred task of entertaining America
through the 1990s.
I've got to push myself to the limit of my abilities four nights a week for one
hour each night.
Unless, of course, I'm not crazy about the guests or the jokes or I have a head
cold or something
like that.
This, I solemnly pledge.
Our director, Hal Gertner.
Yes, Hal?
I'd like to make a pledge.
Well, sure, Hal.
Go right ahead.
Hal Gertner making a pledge, kids.
I, Harold Gurney, pledge what Dave said, provided there's plenty of coffee and
free donuts are
all around.
Lift the card up, please.
This, I pledge.
Thanks, Hal.
That goes for everybody.
Take two.
Thank you very much.
Hal.
Safely protected in the control room.
Well, there you go.
Okay, let's get back to the show.
Dave.
What is it?
Oh, hi, Hal.
Dave, might as well make a pledge, too.
One of our stagehands.
Al Martin.
Dave.
Yes, go ahead, Al.
I pledge to execute my duties, but also to break my butt, not to break my butt
or anything.
After all, it's just a TV show.
That's right.
Know what I mean, Dave?
Yeah, I do know what you mean.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Roll, roll it.
Okay.
Hold it a minute.
Just one damn minute here.
I can't believe what I'm