Name: Jill Goldstein Collection on Letterman, 1991
Uploaded: 2019-01-30T17:07:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jill Goldstein Collection on Letterman, 1991' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jill Goldstein Collection on Letterman, 1991' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-30. Transcript available.

Jill Goldstein Collection on Letterman, 1991

Thank you very much.
David?
I know.
Bailey, just get it right there by my...
Yeah, right in there.
Just go ahead.
You know, that's usually...
Ah!
Oh!
Ah!
Oh, thank you very much, I feel.
Yeah, maybe I should start using a little talc before I come out here.
Well, it might not.
Could you excuse me one minute?
Yeah, what's the deal?
Oh, that's pretty good.
I feel a lot better.
Hey, we got him.
In the middle of his world tour, he decided to drop by Mr. David Sandborn.
Nice to see you, Dave.
How you doing?
Paul, may I have a little dialing music, please?
Just a little dialing music, please.
All right, let's see.
You haven't done this in a while.
I'm hoping this works.
Okay, here we go.
Calling outside in the hallway.
Calling out there to the page desk.
One of the NBC pages.
Six, hi.
Yeah, hi.
Who am I talking to?
Hey, don't hang up.
Hey, don't...
Hey, hey.
Hello?
Hey, who was that?
Who answered that phone?
I'm not sure.
No, a guy answered the phone.
A big scary guy answered the phone.
Was that kid there wearing the kite?
Hey, let's start over.
I'm going to hang up.
I'm going to hang up.
Hang up the phone.
I'm going to call you right back.
And I want to see you in position when we come back, all right?
Okay.
I don't even know how that is.
All right.
That big scary guy answered the phone.
He's not authorized.
He's out of uniform.
He's no page.
He had no business answering that phone.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
Call it right back.
You know, things have got to be the way things got to be.
Well, that means, oh, wait a minute.
You know, I dialed it with, what's the matter with me?
Wow.
Yeah, that's right, Dave.
Things got to be that way.
You got to pick the receiver up and then dial.
I'm not exactly trained up on this new model.
Okay, here we go.
Let's see if this works now.
6A.
Hi.
Hi.
That's a little better.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who are you?
Jill.
Hi, Jill.
How are you?
Good.
How are you?
It's me, Dave.
Hi, Dave.
We're doing a show in here.
I know.
Yeah, things are going pretty well.
Good.
Yeah.
How long have you been out there?
A couple of hours.
Yeah.
Boy, boy, look at all that paperwork you got in front of you.
You're going to be here until midnight, aren't you, Jill?
Listen, Jill, do me a favor.
You know that show Live at Five right across the hall?
Uh-huh.
Now, they're...
Did I say move the camera?
Uh, uh, uh, they're going to have, like, a showbiz guy on.
Don't, don't, don't, don't tell us who it is.
Okay.
You know who I'm talking about?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, okay.
Have you seen him around?
Uh-huh.
All right.
When he comes out again, ask him if he can come in here.
Okay.
All right.
And he's supposed to be on in, like, a few minutes over there.
Right.
This is a little surprise for the audience.
Okay.
All right, Jill.
You all right?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
All right.
A little surprise.
Let me tell you this story that happened to me.
I'm not proud of this.
Happened to me this morning.
This is a true story.
I'm driving into town, and it's thick traffic, ferocious traffic.
Whenever, whenever the weather is nice here in Midtown, people, they pile in
their cars.
They come from really nice, rural country areas around the city, into the city,
because
it's so beautiful.
They want to...
What is going on over there?
Hey, get out from behind that.
Al, is that you?
No.
Get it...
No, it's you.
Come here.
Come on.
What's going on?
Just get out of there.
You're making too much noise.
I'm telling the story.
Come here, Al.
I didn't do it.
Come here.
Just stand right there.
All right.
Stand right there.
Stand right there.
Okay.
So, I'm driving into the city, and I get it.
Oh, no.
I can't tell my story.
Now, this was supposed to be a surprise.
She was supposed to bring him in.
Is she going to bring him in?
Oh, I got a minute.
None of this is working very well.
Oh, everybody's standing around scared.
I can't.
I don't know.
I've got to do it.
Yeah.
Let me make that.
Okay.
Damn.
What am I supposed to do?
Let's go play back.
Go get it.
It's really a big thrill, and...
I'm sorry.
You haven't won anything.
You'll be here tomorrow.
Isn't this the Ace Award?
No.
You wish.
All right, Richard.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah.
All right.
Richard Lewis.
Was I funny?
Yeah.
I was crazy.
completely screwed up completely screwed up completely there was no aspect of
that exercise
that went the way it was supposed to have gone what are you going to do i don't
know what can
you do we were supposed to have uh jill or debbie bring in richard lewis and
then there's all that
confusion and al over there packing how we doing on time can i get back to my
story okay all right
so now i'm stuck in traffic and there's a huge wad tangle snarled congested
traffic in midtown
today because it's a lovely day and people from outlying areas say to
themselves let's go into
the city and breathe poison so that's so i'm late coming to work and i get
behind a guy and we're
moving across a we're coming across 48th street there's a guy in a big delivery
van i'm i'm not
proud of this behavior and i don't even know why it happened the guy decides he's
going to double park
with no warning to anybody he double parks boom he's no longer a traffic he's a
building he's not you
know he's just so i'm right behind him and now i'm wedged are you paying
attention paul yes yes we've
had a lot of trouble already tonight no no no i'm right with you all right so i
get stuck right behind
the truck and now i'm i'm stuck out in the intersection and i think oh fine i'm
gridlocking
i'm part of the gridlock thing here i'm going to be in trouble don't block the
box you can't block the
box that's what they tell you yeah yeah so i'm really nervous and i'm
frightened and i'm late and
this enormous guy i'm thinking it's a partial eclipse of the sun this enormous
guy gets out of
the van and i said would you move the damn truck i screamed at him and he comes
over he comes right
over to my car he leans down he looks in the window and he says you got a
problem i swear to god this is
what i said and did i did this and i said okay let's go fat ass
so then what happened well fortunately uh uh i left
i said oh but i was my heart was uh like a little bunny
let's uh what do we do let i tell you what let's do a commercial and then we'll
come back oh yeah
did you know who's on the program here tonight we have uh mickey mantel uh sean
young martin
amos and uh mr sanborn uh back here with the band uh we'll be right back ladies
and gentlemen come on
- Come back a little bit.
All right, we invite you to watch tonight's program
with your family.
Let's go, fat ass.
What have I done with that phone number?
I'll just be with you in a second.
I just want to talk to Debbie again
about that little exercise.
Just take a second.
- Six A.
- Hi, Debbie, how are you?
- Good, how are you?
- Good.
Listen, that went pretty well, I think, for the first time.
- You think?
- Yeah, but you know, if we do it again next time,
just bring the guy right on in here.
- Okay.
- Okay, 'cause there's a little confusion, but that's okay.
- All right.
- All right, but I think for the first time,
it was just very nice.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, good job.
- Thanks.
- All right, take care.
- Bye.
Oh, do we have time for the big top 10 list?
Okay, let's do that.
- The category tonight, what was that?
Did I miss something?
What was that?
There it is.
Oh, there she is.
Hi, Debbie, how are you?
Hi.
She looks like she's about to cry.
Paul, maybe you better go out there and talk to her.
- You think I should?
I'll go.
- My place is right here.
- Huh?
- My place is here with you.
- Just don't, just don't fire her.
- Okay.
- Top 10, tonight's category, top 10 serial killer pet peeves.
- Ah.
- Hello, baby.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
- Thank you.
- You know, I spoke to Richard Simmons before the show.
- Yeah.
- And he pulled out my file, and you know, when I wrote to him, it was 300
pounds.
- See, that's the deal.
Richard Simmons, when you see him running around here.
- They cry like crazy, aren't they?
- When you see Richard Simmons running around here, you think the guy's
probably nuts.
Because he's got little shorts on, right?
- Yeah.
- He has little shorts and a little tank top.
- Sleeveless tank top.
- Yeah.
- Now, what he does is, he goes into various neighborhoods around the world,
and he knows
where fat people live.
And I don't mean this to be smart-alecky about fat people, because I know that
some fat
people don't want to be fat, and it's a problem.
- Mm-hmm.
- And to his credit, Richard Simmons, by figuring out where all the heavy
people in the country
are, is doing a great service.
And then they go in and they play this game, this card game, and maybe we'll
play a little
tonight.
And it's amazing, simply by playing this game, you lose weight.
- I know.
- And that, it's as simple, you're thinking I'm making it up, it's true, it's
the absolute
truth.
And the only penalty of the whole deal is, you've got to sit there and look at
Richard in this
outfit.
But, come to think of it, you would lose your appetite for weeks, you know?
But he's, he's, so see, there's method, exactly.
- Crazy like a fox, that guy.
- He's method to his madness, or madness, yeah, put somebody on the door, 'cause
we don't
want him in here prematurely.
Uh, Paul, you know who was supposed to be on the big show tonight?
What do you mean who, you know who was supposed to be?
- Yeah, I read about it.
- What do you mean you read about it?
- Well, I read in the paper that Sylvester Stallone was supposed to be on
tonight.
- That's right.
- What happened?
- No, he's not here.
- Ah.
- Uh, Sylvester Stallone is not here.
He was supposed to be on the show, but he is ill, not feeling well.
- Ah.
- We've been wanting to have him on the show ever since we've been on the air.
- Since we started?
- And then we came very, very close.
Now, right away, you hear Sylvester Stallone's not gonna be on the show, you
think, we're
being weaseled, right?
It's some kind of a weasel thing, you call him.
- Mm-hmm.
We're gonna call and check up.
- Okay.
- He's not, he's not feeling well.
- Where are you calling?
- Well, first I have to place a test call because I'm nervous about actually
calling him.
I've, I've never picked up the phone and said, "May I speak to Sylvester?"
So I'm placing a little test call to get over my nerves.
- 6-A?
- Yes, may I please speak to Sylvester Stallone, please?
- He's not here right now.
- Yeah, I know.
You know, it's just me, Dave.
I'm getting ready to call him.
- Hi.
- Hey, what's going on?
- Not much.
- Yeah.
You know, Sylvester Stallone was supposed to be on the show tonight.
- I know.
- Yeah, yeah.
- He ain't here.
- I know.
- Yeah, he's not feeling well, we're told.
- I heard.
- So, so what do you think?
Are we being weaseled?
- Definitely.
- Uh, are you unhappy that he's not here?
- Uh, yeah.
- It would have been exciting, wouldn't it?
- Yeah.
- Of course, how's Richard Simmons?
That must have been exciting, huh?
- Very exciting.
- Did you lose weight just looking at him?
- Uh-huh.
Do you have any questions I could ask Mr. Stallone when I phone him?
- No.
- Okay, okay.
All right, thank you.
Thank you very much.
But I'll tell him you asked for him.
- All right.
- All right, bye-bye.
- Now, now we'll actually call Sylvester Stallone.
I hope it's as much fun as that first call.
You know, if he's not feeling well, I ain't feeling well.
I got a cold.
Am I here?
- You're here, yeah.
Let's see what he has to say about that.
- May I speak to Sylvester, please?
I don't know anybody named Sylvester.
Right away, I'm gonna get this weasel thing out of the way.
There you go.
All right, here we go.
I hope that was Mr. Stallone's home phone.
Wow, we have Sylvester Stallone's home phone.
Yeah, the page was very excited about the prospect of talking to Sylvester
Stallone.
Here we go.
- Hello, Kevin speaking.
- Hello, who is this?
- This is Kevin.
- Hi, hi, Kevin.
It's Dave Letterman is...
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, wait a minute, Kevin.
May I speak to Sylvester, please?
