Name: Mary Connelly Football Collection on Letterman, 1990-92
Uploaded: 2019-02-01T02:22:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mary Connelly Football Collection on Letterman, 1990-92' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mary Connelly Football Collection on Letterman, 1990-92' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-01. Transcript available.

Mary Connelly Football Collection on Letterman, 1990-92

Thank you for that smattering of applause.
I want to ask a question that all of America is probably asking right now.
Yeah, yeah.
Who is Shirley Vanderslice?
Let me explain this to you.
Shirley Vanderslice is a lovely woman who teaches floral design.
She does.
And she's a guest on our show tonight.
That's right.
Will she teach you some floral design?
Yes.
Will there then be a point where she...
You're unusually peppy tonight.
Well, I...
Unusually interested, unusually attentive.
Well, I've got to do something.
I've got to pay attention to the show once in a while.
Yeah, well, tonight is an excellent night because we have David Steinberg.
He is very, very funny.
I don't want to run through this again.
It's going to be a great show.
French, international French actor.
Yeah, Gerard Nibardou.
And what else did I want to mention?
We've got the big marathon.
It's coming up this weekend here in New York City.
Sunday.
This Sunday.
The big marathon.
That's 26 miles.
Many members of our staff entered and competing in the event.
Several members.
Let's count them off.
Sid McGinnis in the marathon.
How many years have you been in the marathon?
Fourth one.
This will be your fourth one.
Fourth in a row, yeah.
And you run like a demon, don't you?
I do.
In fact, it says that on your shirt.
I run like a demon.
I run like a demon.
And what's your best time?
3.14 last year.
3.14.
Good luck.
Good luck.
It's going to be a little warm this year, isn't it?
Yes.
It's really good.
One of our writers, Rob Burnett, running in his first marathon, I believe.
I believe it's his first marathon.
Also, the lovely Mary Connelly.
Mary is running.
Anybody else running in the marathon?
Bailey?
Huh?
Are you?
All right.
Well, that's good.
Be nice to see you out there.
You know, I don't want to embarrass people, but I witnessed one of the most
amazing things
in my life last year.
You know, you get to be a certain age in life and you think, I'm never going to
see anything
else really amazing.
Yeah.
I witnessed in my very own office something truly amazing.
What happened?
Well, I'm sitting up there and I'm in one of my chairs and I'm in the middle of
the office
and over in the corner, about 20 feet away, is a waste basket, a big plastic,
two
and a half foot high waste basket.
Fair enough, yeah.
And in comes Mary Connelly and we were chatting about the big program, which is
all we can
ever talk about around here.
We're very, very busy here.
Trying to get a hold of Miss Vanderslice.
So...
Shirley Vanderslice.
Do we have her?
So, yeah, she's here.
Okay, we got her.
So, Mary comes in and now here, here, I'm sitting like here.
Oh, I'll get up and do a little visual demonstration.
This will be deadly dull.
I'm like here.
Yeah.
Mary is seated right here.
Okay.
Now, keep in mind that we're 20 feet away from this plastic waste basket.
Waste basket.
Now, we have a container of NFL footballs.
All right.
Right over here.
Regulation footballs?
Right there in my office.
Yeah.
Good.
Some people have candy, nuts, gum, that kind of thing.
No, I have a big container.
Come by, help yourself to a regulation NFL football.
How many?
How many in there?
So, we start throwing these things.
We're just kind of tossing them.
I toss.
It took me like 17 times before I could hit one into the waste basket from 20
feet away.
Mary Connelly hit the first one and then continued to hit some others in
succession.
Now, what would be a very impressive number of consecutive buckets she hit with
the football 20 feet away?
Will says two.
Sure, two.
Yes, I would have been stunned by two.
You say two.
What do you say?
If you could do two or three in a row.
Three.
Anybody else?
Fifteen.
Fifteen.
No, sir.
See, now you've ruined the story.
Well, how many did she get?
This woman sat there, without blinking an eye, canned eight in a row.
Oh, it's eight in a row.
Eight in a row.
That's wonderful.
Bang.
Bang.
I was stunned.
And then, and then to prove my point, we got another little guy, some weenie
running around up there.
And I said, come on in, son.
Let's see how you can do against Ms. Connelly.
And he, you know, he couldn't do anything.
Well, that was me.
No.
Are you bothered by this thing in the Persian Gulf?
Oh, of course I am.
You know what makes me crazy about it?
I know for one of the few times, they're not now going to artificially raise
the price of oil.
They have no choice.
There's going to be an oil shortage, and the price of oil is going to go up.
Yeah.
And so, you know, people are going to work around the clock.
They're going to work very hard trying to find ways to bring down the price of
oil.
And I just, it makes me crazy.
I'm already paying nearly two, two, oh, look, see, there's the Exxon building.
They're working, right, this proves my point.
Across the street in the Exxon building, they're working right now trying to
find a way to control the runaway price of oil.
Here, let me take a look at these binoculars.
There's the Exxon building.
Yeah, yeah, there they are.
They're working late, all right.
There they go.
Can I put the binoculars?
Thank you.
Eight in a row.
Yeah.
Like sitting next to Y.A. Tittle.
Boom.
What does she look like, Miss Mary Connelly?
Lovely woman.
She's great.
Easy on the eyes.
And talented.
Those funny, funny Mapplethorpe photos.
One night, let's set up a can in here and see how many she can hit.
All right.
And we can wager, it'll be fine.
Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.
They do that a lot on the Nashville Network.
Yeah.
Have you ever watched that Nashville Now?
Yeah, I love Nashville.
Yeah, it's a great show, but every now and then you hear somebody doing that.
Hee, hee, hee.
And usually it's Minnie Pearl.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm telling you, that was a very impressive display.
Mary Connelly.
Oh, yeah.
Eight in a row.
Eight in a row.
At least eight in a row.
We lost count because I'm screaming at her now because we were wagering on a
couple of them.
Yeah.
And through all of that pressure and me trying to rattle her, boom, boom, boom,
boom.
20 feet ahead.
Like a machine.
Unbelievable.
Like Phil Simms.
Phil Simms should be that accurate.
Really?
Quarterback for the Giants.
Of course.
Yeah.
My...
That's the strangest reaction I've ever heard.
Oh, my vertigo.
That's my vertigo.
Oh.
Hey, you know what we're going to do?
Remember last week I was talking about Sid had running the marathon?
That's correct.
You completed your marathon, didn't you, Sid?
Yes, I did.
What was your time?
But this is like your fourth marathon?
Fourth marathon.
Congratulations to you.
I mentioned also that Rob Burnett, one of our staff members, was running in the
marathon,
his first.
He completed the marathon.
He completed it.
And also Mary Connelly running in her first marathon.
She completed the marathon.
So all three of our staff members, unless there were others that I don't know
about,
completed the marathon successfully, and we couldn't be more proud of those
people.
And, that night we were discussing it, I told you that one day, in my office, I
saw Mary
Connelly throw eight footballs in a row into a wastebasket.
That's right.
Remember that?
You mentioned that.
Yeah, and I was stunned by that.
Would you be stunned if you had seen that?
Eight in a row, yeah.
Yeah.
Without dropping one.
Mike, what about you?
Would you be stunned if you saw that?
I saw a little bit of it earlier, but I was stunned.
Yeah.
You know, I'm trying to include the new guy.
Make him feel at home.
Like I care whether he thinks it's something or not.
Very nice of you.
So, anyway, we thought tonight we would, uh, Hal, Hal, this would be our, uh,
director,
Hal Grunemann, Hal Grunemann.
Dave?
Yeah.
Oh, never mind.
Yeah.
Hal, turn on the external camera.
Now, Paul, take a look at this.
This will be the camera.
Oh, man, look at that.
That's Radio City.
That's 50th Street at 6th Avenue, looking north toward the park.
Isn't that beautiful?
This is one of those things that make this truly the greatest city in this area.
It's gorgeous.
And if you go west, now, this is my office.
You go west, normally the Hudson River would be over there.
Well, that's, uh, outside where Rose sits.
And this would be the, the Exxon building and the Hudson River is over there.
Okay.
All right.
Come back in now.
All right.
Now, is Mary around?
Hi, Mary.
Come on in.
Hi, Dave.
Hi.
Congratulations, Mary, on the marathon.
Thanks very much.
What was your time?
All of it.
What, what was your time?
I, I finished the marathon in four hours, 48 minutes, and 18 seconds.
Congratulations.
You had a great day, didn't you?
I did.
You enjoyed it.
You came through it unscathed.
I, pretty much so.
You're a, you're a thoroughbred, Mary.
Well, thank you.
Now, hey, you, you heard, you heard the Daryl Strawberries going to L.A., didn't
you?
I, I did hear that.
Now, what, what was it that the Mets did not come up with that would have kept
him here in New York City?
I don't, I don't think they came up with Canseco dollars.
Exactly, Mary.
They didn't come up with the Canseco dollars.
All right, Mary, how long have you been on the staff?
Almost five years.
Yeah, what do you do up there?
I'm a talent researcher.
Okay, you happy with your work?
I am.
And a good dental plan?
Pretty good dental plan.
All right, Mary, show them now, anything you want.
Show them the wastebasket that you were shooting at.
It's right over there.
Now, Mary, it's not a trick wastebasket, is it?
This is in Roger's office.
Yeah.
The wastebasket, and we sit back in this chair here, and regulation footballs.
How far away is that chair, Mary?
15 to 20 feet, I think.
15 to 20 feet.
Now, it's not a trick chair, is it?
No, it's a regulation office chair.
Okay, Mary.
How many, what's the highest number of balls you've sunk from that position in
my office, do you think?
I think we figured eight.
All right, eight.
And we, and that may have been low.
Eight may have been low.
We're talking about consecutive shots, back to back to back.
All right, now, Mary, I know that you may be a little nervous, because we're
doing this on television here tonight.
So, however you want to do it, if you want to take a couple of warm-ups now, if
you want to begin now, you want to begin later, whatever you want to do.
Make it easier on yourself.
All right, well, let's see how we can do.
Okay, Anton, some drives here while Mary is, though.
This will be a warm-up.
Okay.
We'll just see how many she can do in a row.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Really?
Look at that.
Unbelievable.
All right.
See?
What did I tell you?
Isn't that amazing?
Okay.
That's all right.
Relax, Mary.
You're still fine.
That's okay.
Okay, she's rattled now.
This is all for charity, by the way.
Okay, there's one.
All right, here we go.
Yes.
Okay, all right, here we go.
All right.
Here we go.
Okay.
All right, Mary, let's start another string here, and if you don't, then we'll
check in with you in a couple of minutes.
All right, here we go.
All right, here we go.
By the way, your hair looks lovely from this angle.
Oh, thank you very much.
Let me run up there and comb you out.
Do you mind?
Oh, no, not at all.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Give me one more.
All right, here we go.
She's a champ.
She's a thoroughbred.
Yes!
All right.
Let's see.
Here she is.
Here we go.
Okay.
You need a break, Mary?
Well, you decide.
All right, all right.
We'll do something.
We'll come back with you.
Okay.
All right, thanks.
We'll see you a little bit later.
It's unbelievable.
Before the night's over, she'll have like 10, 15 of them in a row.
It'll be unbelievable.
It's a great night for us here.
It's time for another installment of Biff Henderson.
Biff, of course, is one of our stage managers on the program.
Time for another installment of Biff Henderson's Where Are They Now?
Tonight, Dwight David Eisenhower, the 34th president of the United States,
the first five-star general in American history,
and the supreme commander of the Allied forces during World War II.
Where is he now?
Dead.
This has been Biff Henderson's Where Are They Now?
To do what?
To do what?
All