Name: The Color Commentary Show on Letterman, May 21, 1986 (full)
Uploaded: 2019-02-01T17:58:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Color Commentary Show on Letterman, May 21, 1986 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Color Commentary Show on Letterman, May 21, 1986 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-01. Transcript available.

The Color Commentary Show on Letterman, May 21, 1986 (full)

And, uh, here we go.
Hello, I'm Jack Coleman.
And I'm Morgan Brittany.
And we'll be your host for tonight's Late Night with David Letterman.
Yes, Jack, this is quite a special evening.
Talking birds, new gift ideas, dumb ads.
And one of the most special things about it is my co-host, Morgan Brittany.
This, I'm sure you'll agree, is a beautiful lady.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, come on, that's right.
Thank you, Jack Coleman.
We'll also have stars like Fred Willard, as well as a few surprises.
You don't mean the surprises the talking birds left out on the hallway, do you,
Morgan?
Oh, Jack, but seriously.
You know, you play Stephen Carrington on Dallas.
I mean, Dallas.
Did I say Dallas?
Right, I'm on Dynasty, right?
And you play the conniving Catherine Wentworth on Dallas.
That's right, so technically, we should be rivals, Jack.
Well, I'll tell you what, Morgan.
I won't tell Blake Carrington if you don't tell J.R. Ewing, deal?
Deal.
Whoops, it looks like the show's about to start.
This is so exciting.
I can't wait.
From New York, the city that never sleeps, except, of course, the post office.
It's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, color commentary by Jack Coleman and Morgan Brittany.
Comedian Fred Willard and David Bender and his talking birds.
Also, new gift items and another look at dumb ads.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place this weekend to talk about
my attitude.
Oh, brother, what a pinhead, Dave Bender and David Letterman.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place this weekend to talk about
my attitude.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
And now, a man who wants me to come out to his place.
I wish I had an act.
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to our program.
Now, I don't know if you understand this around the country.
But the reputed now to be the head of all of the organized crime.
Well, if you buy the fact that there might be organized crime in this area.
Anyway, the man who is reputedly in charge of all of the organized crime.
John Gotti, the crime boss, has now been, he's going away.
He's going to prison.
And the FBI announced today that while he is gone, while he's in prison, Joan
Rivers will be filling in for him.
So, I thought that was...
Can you hear the screaming back there?
Yeah.
Earlier, now, I thought it was Barbara Gaines, our production coordinator.
But it's birds, isn't it?
That's not you, is it, Barbara?
It's a bird!
We have birds on the show, and today the Teamsters are having their convention,
right, in Las Vegas.
And I thought this was a nice touch.
They designated Jimmy Hoffa as the general president emeritus for life for the
Teamsters.
And his wife said that Jimmy, she knew, would be quite proud of this honor,
whatever highway
he happens to be part of now.
We have a medical bulletin, Paul.
Medical bulletin.
This is kind of stunning, and I don't even know why I bring it up, but medical
schools
throughout the country are now facing a shortage of cadavers.
It's pretty grim, isn't it?
But students are now going to use the next best thing, Mel Torme fans.
So, you know, ladies and gentlemen, it's...
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
How do you think, Kevin?
Okay, last night, on another network.
What network was it, CBS?
Oh, yeah, I didn't tell anybody what it was.
It was the Miss USA contest, 1986.
CBS, probably a safe bet.
And Miss Texas is now Miss USA, and I thought the pageant was quite
entertaining, though it
was pretty much marred when Miss Congeniality gave the winner of the talent
competition the
finger.
I thought that was really...
We have birds.
We have birds tonight, boys and girls.
Here's the show.
Fred Willard is with us tonight, David Bender and his talking birds, and many,
many surprises.
You know, Paul Newman, of course, sells his own salad dressing, and Jack Nicklaus
has a line
of sportswear, Roy Rogers runs a chain of fast food restaurants.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, more and more, celebrities are lending their names
and faces to consumer
goods.
And what a stroke of luck.
We have a couple of new products tonight that will soon be in your markets and
stores.
Let's now take a look at them, shall we?
Oh, my God.
Okay, thank you, boys.
Sounds like a travel log.
Thank you so much.
Well, here's a way to double the fun of eating frankfurters.
It's the Arnold Schwarzenegger weenie wheel.
You see, a simple heat lamp turns those roasting dogs into the glistening limbs
of everybody's
favorite actor and bodybuilder, Arnold Schwarzenegger, ladies and gentlemen,
that's right over there.
You know, recently, All America thrilled to the storybook wedding of Heather
Locklear
and Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee.
And now, with this handsome laminated plaque, you can keep track of how many
days that marriage
will last.
Yes, it goes all the way up to 50, so there's fun for the whole family.
You know, a highlight of the hit movie Cocoon was the hilarious break dance
performed by
a stand-in for Don Amici.
Well, now you can recreate that magic moment at home with this Don Amici Cuisinart
attachment.
And just like the movie, you can pretend it's really Don Amici.
Let's toss in some carrots.
There he goes.
Yes, he's just knocking himself out, isn't he?
You know, kids, for my money, you're never too young to start learning about
the sweet
science of boxing, and that's why every caring parent will hang this heavyweight
contender's
mobile over baby's crib.
Yes, Tim Witherspoon, Trevor Burbick, Pinklyn Thomas, and Tony Tubbs instill in
baby a lifelong
love for large, sweaty men.
While David is showing more of those crazy new gift items, we thought we'd take
time out
and talk with band leader Paul Schaefer.
Morgan, I gotta say, you look like a vision.
I told your hair guy, Michael, when you came in, leave her alone.
You cannot improve on perfection, and I really gotta say, I think it's true.
Now, Paul, you've been here before, what do you feel like at times like this?
Uh, excitement, uh, pure excitement.
You know, I still get butterflies at the start of every show, I really do.
Uh, Paul, is someone like you bothered by a lot of autograph seekers?
Uh, Morgan, I feel the same way that you do on that.
Uh, when they stop asking for autographs, that's when I'll be bothered.
Hey, that's a great philosophy.
Thanks for coming by, Paul.
Nice to see ya.
Now, let's rejoin Dave in some more of those wacky gift items.
Especially now that we are heading into the fall time of year when things get a
little brisk,
so keep those in mind, okay?
You know, we all know how hard it is to read the writing on a record label
while it's spinning
on a turntable, and that's why this stereo console comes complete with a
rotating seat
arrangement.
Here, let me show you how it works.
You just get on like this.
It's certainly worth the slightly queasy feeling, and of course, it's endorsed
by Paul
Lanka.
Okay.
Did I mention it's endorsed by Paul Lanka?
All right, those are some new gift items, some new celebrity gift items, and we're
going
to pause now for a commercial, we'll be right back, don't worry.
Those new gift items were out of this world.
I wonder if you can really buy those in stores.
I don't know if they're available in stores yet, Morgan, but here's something
that is:
a Mars bar.
Now, Dave's about to visit with some talking birds.
Morgan, what would J.R.
Ewing do if those birds showed up at South Fork Ranch?
Oh, Jack, I don't know, but I'm sure he'd find some way to make money off of it.
I'll bet you're right.
Let's watch.
You know, my first guest tonight is the trainer at the San Diego Wild Animal
Park, and is
here tonight with some of the most talented birds in the world, including the
parrot responsible
for this record right here.
The one and only Poncho folks, please welcome David Bender.
David, where are you?
Hi.
Nice to see you, David.
How are you doing?
I'm good.
Thanks.
How many birds did you bring here from San Diego?
We've got five here.
Five?
Is it difficult to fly with these birds?
Well, no.
You just get them all in, shove them in the crate.
Any kind of special care for them?
You don't have to tranquilize them, sedate them?
Nothing like that.
Nothing like that?
They're fun, though.
We had to bring two inside the plane cabin.
They let you do that?
Yeah, and then we were watching these guys try to pick up on the stewardesses.
So we just brought the birds out, and all the stewardesses came over to us, and
they
were like, "Uh-huh."
Oh, sure.
Well, if you have to have a gang, you've got...
Now, where do you keep these while you're in town?
In town, over at the Omni.
And you keep the birds in the room with you?
Yeah, we just let them out.
Oh, yeah.
So you're not getting any sleep at all, are you?
No.
Okay, tell me about the record there.
How's it selling?
Well, it's doing okay down at the park.
We happen to do a radio show.
I left my heart in San Francisco when it's springtime in the Rockies and Valley
High.
So you get three hits on one single.
Three hits on one single.
All right, not a bad deal.
Yeah.
Okay, what are we going to do tonight here, David?
Well, first of all, we've got a brand new bird.
Bird.
We've never been on TV before.
Okay.
So we're going to give him a try.
Never before on television.
Never before.
And we're going to give you a chance to work him, too.
What kind of bird is this?
It's an African gray.
His name's Bruce Nadel.
Come on out here, buddy.
Bruce Nadel?
Yeah, he has a last name.
Bruce Nadel.
Okay.
Can you say, "Hi, Bruce?"
Hi, Bruce.
Could you say, "Hello?"
Hello.
Let's move right along.
See as soon as he gets done with that.
Could I have one of those, Dave?
Sure, no problem.
What's your name?
Dave.
Well, my name's Dave and his name's Dave.
What's yours?
My name's Dave.
What's yours?
Bruce.
Well, I can do it, too.
So, anyway.
How about a chicken?
Can you do a chicken?
Can you do nothing?
Good bird.
Chicken.
What is that?
Feedback from his mouth.
Yeah.
Blow your nose.
Good bird.
All right.
How long does it take you to train these guys to talk?
How long did it take for me to learn to talk?
We've been working with him for about two years now.
Uh-huh.
And it looks like we're going to work with him.
Will you shut up?
Anyway, let's try something.
Let's go ahead and slide him on your arm.
Slide him on me?
This is a friend of Lolita.
Remember Lolita from last time?
I'll be right with you, Dave.
Okay.
Here we go.
We'll come on this side here.
Just take some more seeds.
Some more seeds?
Don't eat them this time.
Okay.
Show the bird and he'll step right over you.
Okay.
Come on, Bruce.
All right.
Now, first off, just go ahead and ask him.
Let me get on this side or he's going to do pirouettes on your hands.
Yeah, he did the bird.
Bruce, stand around.
Let me go.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Paul, get the air rifle, will ya?
Oh, great.
He's eating New York over here.
Bruce!
Okay, let's...
All right, now we'll try it again?
We'll try it again.
All right.
Come on.
Come on, Bruce.
Come on, Bruce.
Ask him to bark.
Go bark.
Bark for us, Bruce.
Bark!
Bark!
Bark!
Bark!
Bow wow!
Bark!
Well, we're dying today here, Dave.
Well, that's...
All right, let's...
Why don't we...
You wanna try another animal?
Well, let's try it.
What do you think of CBS Late Night?
Boy, all the gags we brought here tonight really are going down the woods.
And you say he's never been on TV before, huh?
And he never will be again.