Name: Howard Stern and David Letterman, Part 1: 1984
Uploaded: 2019-02-02T18:10:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Howard Stern and David Letterman, Part 1: 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Howard Stern and David Letterman, Part 1: 1984' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-02. Transcript available.

Howard Stern and David Letterman, Part 1: 1984

Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. We have a fine program tonight. Let
me bring out my first
guest. He describes himself as, did we get the bird by the way? The bird has
been secured? Okay.
Has he really? Okay. They don't know but for purposes of the show they're
saying yes of
course. My next guest tonight has described himself. He's described himself
this way as
the worst disc jockey in radio. He has the afternoon drive time show here at WNBC
AM
and for my money this man represents state-of-the-art radio. Please welcome
Howard Stern.
I loaded the place with my people. No, no. This is good. These folks are- This
crowd is,
these are people who like me. Yeah. Is there anybody who hates me here? Which
who? There's
all kinds of scum out there who hate me. See, we were gonna have him in
sections. People
who loved Howard and people who hated Howard but they obviously all love you.
Let me ask
you about this. You describe yourself as the world's worst disc jockey. Well, I'm
not a good
disc jockey. I'm not like the guys on FM who tell you the weather every ten
minutes. I mean,
I'm kind of strange on the radio and I'm not a good disc jockey. I don't play
records, that
kind of thing. Well, now why is that? Why don't you play the records? Because I
basically hate
the music that NBC plays. The station was in the toilet bowl before I got there
and if I continue
to play the music that they played, it would have been probably dead last in
the ratings. Now,
you know, what kind of music do they play and did they play? You know, Boy
George, which I,
you know, for my money, you know, I can't deal with that. And they play Julio,
Julio Iglesias and
Willie Nelson. Did anybody actually buy that record? It's like number five or
something. Oh,
what a comatose audience. I've got to do well here tonight.
So you don't mess with playing the music. If I do well, I'll be like Dodie Goodman,
like
on the Jack Parshall. I'll get to come on here every couple of weeks.
We're all pulling for you, Howard. We'd like to see you in that chair every
couple of weeks.
I want to do well. I didn't know what to do because they gave me like a pre-interview
and
said, "David's, you know, real uptight. Doesn't like you touching the back of
his head like
you did to Donahue." He's uptight. He's uptight about touching another man. But
I think it's
beautiful. I think you're a beautiful man. Okay. You know, I think we have one
more bird
trick. If we can just... Howard, tell folks who don't have the benefit of
living in this
area to hear your show what they would hear. You don't play music, so what do
you do?
Well, it's been described as honest radio. You know, we talk to people on the
phone.
We're ourselves. It's like your show in the sense that you don't come on here
with a lot
of phony hype and you don't... I mean, you have people on with pets and then
the bird gets
lost. I mean, we let anything happen. You know what I mean?
You make a lot of phone calls?
It's very loose. We make a lot of phone calls. We call people who write us hate
mail.
Like this hate mail. This is our hate mail.
We have some here.
This is our hate mail.
You want to get to the hate mail now or you want to hold this?
Well, maybe we should hold it.
All right. Well, Laura, we will do... Now, tell us about one of my favorite
parts of the
show is your dial-a-date.
Well, that's the thing. I mean, in order to get ratings in New York, you have
to shock
people. And I don't intentionally go out to shock... Well, okay, I do
intentionally shock
them because I know if I don't, I won't have an audience. And we do a lesbian
dial-a-date
where we set up lesbians. I'm kind of like Jim Lang Jr. I like to think of
myself as that. And just, uh, pack the show with lesbians. Something you ought
to try.
You pack the show with lesbians. Yeah, we pack the show with lesbians. Okay. In
words, though, people like to see lesbians for some reason. I don't know. Like
Donahue or any of the... When you were on in the morning, you didn't have any
lesbians. You were just, you know... Did you have lesbians?
I'm not sure. No. Are we close to it? Alright. Quickly, Howard, mention how you
opened the dial-a-date that I heard that one time. I just... No, no, no. You
see, you're making me look bad. I said, I said, attention all homos. Because I
wanted... Not that I was calling homos... Well, okay, I was calling homosexuals
homos and I wanted them to respond.
But, but you, you're well, well supported in the homosexual community? The gay
community loves me. I'm like their savior. I think I'm their sponsor. Okay.
Because who else, who else has homosexual dial-a-date? Man, right here. Come on,
can we have some homosexuals now? Come on down and we'll play.
We're going to, uh, go away for station identification. Think about it. Pack
the show with lesbians. We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.
Howard Stern is here from WNBC. Later tonight, Valerie Bromfield will be
joining us tomorrow. Uh, Willie Nelson, Fun with Nitrogen with Dr. Richard
Brandt. This will be exciting. Uh...
I can't figure out, like, why I'm on the show, though. It's the... It shocked
me that you asked me on. But while I am on, I'd just like to say,
because the show is coast to coast, uh, if there are any other radio stations
presently looking for talent and they have, you know, the right money, because
I, you know, I don't work for free.
No. And, uh, if you enjoy what we do, I'd be interested in hearing any serious
offers.
This is better than sending out tapes. That's very expensive.
Most of these jockies have to send out tapes and resumes and this kind of thing.
But I'm always looking for work, because I don't think NBC is going to let this
nonsense go on much longer.
Now, how long have you been on the air?
Here?
Yeah.
In New York for, uh, two years.
So, yeah, I think you're going to be here a while.
No, I give it six months, and then I'm fired. I think in six months I'll be off
the air, and I'll be at another station.
How many stations have you worked for?
I've worked for about six, and I've been fired from a couple. All for no good
reason. I mean, I've always, you know, driven up the ratings and this kind of
thing, but stations insist on firing me.
What was the most recent firing? Where was that?
In Washington.
And why were you fired?
Well, I was fired because I made fun of other disc jockeys. Which is kind of, I
mean, that's tame, you know, compared to, like, lesbian dial-a-date.
Now, uh, give me an example. Give me an example of a guy or a woman who was a
disc jockey who you made fun of in Washington.
Well, I don't know. It's just that the radio today is so bland and so boring,
and we get on and have fun, and I just started attacking every disc jockey who
worked in the market.
You know, these guys would come on, and I don't know. They just talk about the
weather, and they play the records. I mean, that's not creative.
So, in any case, Los Angeles is a good place to work, or Chicago, anywhere in
the Midwest. Although, I don't go over in the Midwest that well.
You don't think so?
I didn't do too well in Detroit.
Yeah.
I was in Detroit, so it's a whole.
How long were you in Detroit?
I hate it. It was the worst part of my life. I hate the people in Detroit. I
hated working there.
I think I'd be depressed if I lived there, too, and most of Detroit is
depressed.
But, Howard, I think you have to agree. Maybe you don't. You know more about
this than I do, but it seems to me like working afternoon drive at WNBC in New
York City, that's got to be the best job.
It's a good job, but what they did is I was so desperate to get here. My dream
was to come to New York that I signed for very little money, and what I figure
is they're pulling in about $5 million a year on my show, and I'm not making
anywhere near that, and I'm not trying to say I'm money hungry.
But I've worked this hard. You know, getting a job at NBC New York is harder
than getting a job on a baseball team, so here I finally make it, and what they
did, they're basically giving me the shaft because they're getting $300 a
minute in advertising.
I don't know what you make. I read you made like a million a year, and that's
not all that much for a network guy.
They have the most unbelievable. You know, it's because you're so desperate to
be, you know, a star that you end up selling yourself out, which I think you
did.
Really? All right. Well, hell, if there's anybody looking in now from anywhere
around the United States, I can do weather, I can do movie reviews, I've done
some news.
Like Ron Reagan Jr. does movie reviews. Well, that's real entertainment. He's
doing it on our radio station now.
He's very qualified because he's seen like six movies. His qualifications are
high.
Oh, no, I know. Mention the other folks that work with you on your show.
Robin Quivers, who works with us.
And two talented people, Fred Norris, Al Rosenberg, Judy DeAngelis, Jamie Lequeur,
the cleaning. We have a slew of people. It's kind of like gang radio.
It's very funny. Very funny and very innovating, and it's the kind of thing you
have to listen to it. You find yourself not being able not to listen to it.
That's worth money in the bank.
I heard you describe yourself once as the Arthur Godfrey of the 80s.
Oh, yeah.
But there's more truth there than that one person who applauded may know.
It's going to do wonders for my career being known as the Arthur Godfrey of the
80s.
But you know what I'm saying. In a certain regard, there's truth in that.
Okay. Now, we're going to read some of these letters. Is that right, Howard?
This is hate mail. The station gets a lot of hate mail.
Okay. I'll just start out. We've kind of penciled in some of the stuff that's
good.
Dear Mr. Mulholland. Well, he's not here.
Over the past several months, I have overheard various derogatory comments from
a diversified segment of individuals concerning the absurdity of the subject
show aired during the late afternoon weekdays.
Well, so far, it doesn't make any sense.
Right. Well, basically, the people who write in, too, they listen all the time.
They can cite every bit that we do.
I intentionally took time to listen to about 20 minutes of Howard Stern doing
air checks on this date, and I find it literally impossible to express the
effect it had upon me.
Disgustingly filthy, with absolutely no sense of morals, is a simple
description, but far too mild.
You see, that's the thing. A lot of people don't understand what we do, if I
can be serious.
Another satisfied listener.
Dear Mr. McTherry.
McTheny.
McTheny. Oh, I'm sorry.
He used to be our program director. He's gone also.
He's over at MTV ruining that.
He tried to ruin me.
He used to give me all kinds of directives.
He used to tell me to be quiet.
Get your bits done in two and a half minutes.
Like, yeah, I need a lot of time.
You know, I don't do things in two and a half minutes.
You know, leave that to the old-time disc jockeys.
But actually, you know, I don't want to say anything too bad about him, but he's
over at MTV, and we've all seen MTV.
Now, do you work, is the show formatted like they have the old clock,
where at 12 minutes after you've played an up-tempo, whatever?
Yeah, it's not typical radio, I show, for people who haven't heard it.
It's just, I just...
Do you get along well with the folks at WNBC, the management?
Oh, I hate them.
I hate them because they hired me, and then as soon as I was there, the first
couple of weeks I was there,
they told me to change everything I do.
Yeah.
Which is, uh, total nonsense.
Why did they hire you?
They hired me because they had high ratings, but they, when I, when I came in
and started doing what I do,
they told me to, uh, get, you know, they told me to clean up my act.
Yeah, slicking it up.
Which, uh, which is kind of phony.
Okay.
They hired me because they wanted to make a lot of money.
We have one more, uh, I found one here.
They get nervous when I talk like this, so, uh...
Uh, this, this comes to just dear sir.
Well, I'm, t