Name: Staffer Relief Hosts on Letterman, July 15, 1986 (full)
Uploaded: 2019-02-03T22:37:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staffer Relief Hosts on Letterman, July 15, 1986 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staffer Relief Hosts on Letterman, July 15, 1986 (full)' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-03. Transcript available.

Staffer Relief Hosts on Letterman, July 15, 1986 (full)

True page of love in all the songs come and --
Ah! Ah! Oh, my God!
Hey, hey, Dave, what's the matter?
Hey, hey, calm down, Dave. What's the matter?
Oh, Jesus, it was terrible.
We were doing last night's show,
and the entire audience stands up,
and they're singing "Oh, Canada,"
and it goes on and on and on.
Oh, God, it was horrible.
It was just a bad dream.
A dream?
Yeah.
You mean it didn't really happen?
No, no.
Nobody saw it?
Of course not.
Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank God!
Oh, it was a dream.
From New York,
to New York,
where you can capture the magic of the king
as you tour Graceland.
It's "Late Night" with David Letterman.
Tonight, George Carlin,
founder and chief executive officer
of the Learning Annex, Bill Zanker,
and "Oh, Canada" singer, Kirsten Ostrup.
Also, a look at people who won't be on the show,
and dumbass.
And now, the best friend organized labor has
in this administration,
David Letterman!
And now, we'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
I'll be right back to you.
Is it my imagination or is that getting a little longer each night?
Well, we're stretching out on it a little, yeah.
That's very nice.
Get some lights, some smoke, some dancers.
That's right.
Yeah.
Welcome to the show, folks.
I'll tell you right up front here.
I am in a lousy mood.
Was something wrong there for just a second?
We're all right?
It's okay.
Thank you very much.
I'm in a lousy mood this morning.
I'm doing my laundry at the laundromat, okay?
I turn my back and somebody steals my T&A Patrol T-shirt.
I think we've startled them.
I think that's what happened.
You know, last night we, we, we, it was my idea and it didn't work out.
And it's just one of those things that you're sorry it happened.
And all day long we've been getting complaints from Paul's countrymen.
We were, the, the tune, "Oh Canada," the song, the national anthem of Canada,
or one of the appropriate national anthems for Canada.
"Oh Canada."
Yes.
What would be another one?
Uh, "God Save the Queen" is another one.
Right.
Right, because of course it was at one time.
Uh, British subject, British Dominion.
Now it's its own country.
Yeah.
And I am my own person, too.
Right.
So, so anyway, we're going to sing the song because it's a beautiful, rousing,
exciting, and it makes you feel good.
And we were going to start the week that way.
So we did it.
And it was lame.
And it's your fault, mostly.
Well...
Because, no, no, the way you started it off, it was like, here, here's how it
would happen.
You, you tune in to CBC, isn't that the national radio out there?
Yes.
Yes.
And you hear this announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, Canada has slipped off
the continental shelf."
And then, and then it would have been followed with this dirge-like version of
"Oh Canada."
To me, I thought, I went for an inspiring version.
Oh no, it was laying there.
It was...
It went a little slow.
But tonight, and also you left out lyrics to the song.
That's not true.
It is true, because the woman who's going to sing it here tonight, I heard her
do a different...
Well, I don't know where she got her lyrics from, but she...
We have a great vocalist tonight, she happens to be an American citizen.
That's right.
So, now, just let me say, if you were watching last night and you were offended,
you know, more so than normally...
Yeah.
Tonight, we're going to do it properly, and we tried to do it properly last
night, but we just...
We just blew it, and when I say we, of course...
Well, one of us.
One of us.
But tonight, don't you admit that it sounds great tonight?
Well, you spring for a great singer, and yeah, it's going to sound better.
I never claimed to be a singer.
So now, that's why I'm excited. What else am I excited about, Kevin?
I'm driving into work after I go to the laundromat this morning.
I get behind a hearse.
Big yellow sign in the back, "Dead guy on board."
Do we need that?
I don't know.
Let's see what that is.
No, that's enough.
Now, here's the other thing we're excited about.
And we're just...
We're going to tonight...
We have all of the staff members' temporary ID cards in a drum.
Bring in the drum, boys.
Here comes the drum.
And we're going to pick a relief host of the show.
And it's very exciting around here today.
People are very nervous.
Some people went to the beauty parlor.
Some people went and had a tan earlier.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me, is your ID card in there?
Yes, it is.
It is in there?
Yes, it is.
Good luck to you.
Now, wait a minute.
Look at that.
That's a pretty skimpy staff.
Anyway, we're going to select...
We may even select up to three people to host the show tonight.
Right, Paul?
Yes.
Yes, sir.
We're going to select...
Up to three people.
Up to three people.
So, okay.
Now, I'll just...
Anton, how about a drum roll?
And they're going to be like the relief host.
You know, I'll be here if anything goes nuts.
But these people will, for all practical purposes,
be your host for the festivities.
Boy, feel the excitement building?
I'm excited.
People are looking at their tickets to see if there's a refund involved.
Okay, here we go.
I'll just select one here to begin the proceedings.
Boy, how about that all-star game, huh, Paul?
Will you pick a card?
What was this?
Let me see that again.
Will you get out of here?
All right, here we go.
The giant drum...
Now, do you understand what's going to happen here?
In a split second, I'm going to draw the name of one of our staff members,
and that person will be the host of tonight's program.
You know?
Thousands and thousands of letters have been coming in since we first announced
this contest.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Well, this guy doesn't work for us.
Who the hell is it?
Oh, no, it is!
And not a bad choice.
Ladies and gentlemen, your host for tonight's program, NBC temporary employee,
Mr. Rob Burnett.
You're a lucky knife.
You're a lucky knife.
There he is, folks.
Mr. Rob.
Thank you.
You're a lucky knife.
There he is, folks.
Mr. Rob Burnett.
Rob, how long have you been with us?
Ten months.
Ten months.
Ten months.
And what do you do for us, Rob?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're a lucky knife.
There he is, folks.
Mr. Rob Burnett.
Rob, how long have you been with us?
Ten months.
Ten months.
And what do you do for us, Rob?
Tell the folks.
And tell me, too.
I'm a talent assistant.
Talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a talent assistant.
Oh, yeah.
Talent assistant.
And what does that mean, Rob?
You're right in there with the lifeblood of the program, aren't you?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And what's a typical day like for you?
Talk to the public, hear ideas for the show, assist the talent coordinators,
the segment producer.
In fact, if I'm not mistaken, aren't you responsible for a special portion of
tonight's program?
Yes, I am.
Very proud of it.
You're involved with the singing of the --
Singing of Canada.
Kirsten.
Okay.
Have you ever done any television hosting before?
No.
Ever wanted to do any television hosting?
Not really.
All right.
Now, we're going to try this out.
Now, if it doesn't go well, we may go back to the magic drama.
Feel free.
Okay.
But I have a feeling everything's going to be just fine.
Let's go back over here to the desk.
Oh, this is what you do first.
Okay.
You introduce our friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Just say -- you know, say this.
You've heard about him.
You've read about him.
You've seen him on Color TV.
You've heard about him.
You've read about him.
You've seen him on Color TV.
Our good friend, Mr. Paul Schaefer.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
All right, Rob.
Thank you very much, you kids.
You're just fine.
Don't worry about anything.
Thank you so much.
We get the -- we need makeup.
Paul, Rob is going to be the host tonight.
Rob, nice to see you.
How was your day today?
Good day, Paul.
Good.
Anything interesting happen to you today?
Um, you got to --
Geez, I don't know.
Probably not.
Geez, I don't know.
Oh, no, I know.
You hurt your voice doing your Freddie Mercury impression.
I hurt my voice doing my Freddie Mercury impression.
Okay.
We need makeup for Rob.
Oh, here's Peter, the makeup gentleman.
And just to quickly put some makeup on him.
Jeff, come in here.
This is our stage manager, Jeff Samaha.
Show him what he needs to know with time cues and so forth.
You need to show 30 seconds.
30 seconds.
Commercial.
Uh-huh.
Station break.
Stretch.
Heat up.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you very much, Peter.
Thank you very much, Jeff.
Uh, over here, what, uh, we have, uh, oh, uh, there, if you want to blow darts,
here's
the dart gun.
We have some darts.
Here, it's loaded up.
Try one.
Go ahead, Rob.
Shoot it right there at the camera.
Yeah.
A little more, a little more heat there, Rob.
All right, and here we have the controls for that.
We have the control for this.
Oh, now this down here, show him that, Carl.
See that thing that's labeled Pong?
Oh, go ahead and hit that with your foot.
That's the ball machine.
This one?
Yeah.
Okay.
Turn that off.
What else do we have to do?
Oh.
Sure.
Try a pencil.
Try tossing a pencil over there, Rob.
Just, yeah, just lightly over.
Yeah, just like that.
See, try one again.
You actually missed the window.
Try one more, yeah.
Try one more.
Just a little.
There you go.
Okay.
You all right?
Okay.
You all right?
Okay.
Okay.
And now we're gonna do some comedy at the top of the show.
We're gonna do dumb ads.
These are actual advertisements from actual periodicals from around the United
States, and Paul, have
some music.
Ask Paul for the music, Rob.
Paul, can we have some music?
Sure, Rob.
Thank you, Rob.
Thank you, Rob.
Thank you, Rob.
Okay, and now we're going to do some comedy at the top of the show.
We're going to do dumb ads.
These are actual advertisements from actual periodicals from around the United
States.
And Paul, have some music. Ask Paul for the music, Robin.
Paul, can we have some music?
Sure, Rob.
Thank you, Paul.
Dumb ads.
You got to get ready to do it.
These are dumb ads.
You know them as dumb ads.
Hey, Rob, they're dumb ads, yeah.
This is a nightmare.
What do I do at this?
Hold them right up there.
This one?
Hold them right up there.
Maybe we can draw for a musical director, too.
All right, I'll just read the blue card.
Voodoo luck wins big money.
Get together, enjoy your new voodoo friends.
Honey, are you new voodoo friends coming over tonight?
Should I run over to Sloan's for some more chicken blood?
Yeah, yeah.
See, this stuff is so solid, it just sells itself.
Try another one.
All you got to do is read those cards, and you're a hit.
The red light means...
No, right over here.
Hold them up to that one.
Okay, there we go.
Do I just go?
Okay.
Yeah, just read it up.
All right.
And relax, bec