Name: Gilbert Gottfried Collection on Letterman, 1985-90, + Late Show Jokes, 2012-13
Uploaded: 2019-02-06T05:33:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gilbert Gottfried Collection on Letterman, 1985-90, + Late Show Jokes, 2012-13' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gilbert Gottfried Collection on Letterman, 1985-90, + Late Show Jokes, 2012-13' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-06. Transcript available.

Gilbert Gottfried Collection on Letterman, 1985-90, + Late Show Jokes, 2012-13

My next guest is a very odd and a very funny person.
He can currently be seen in a motion picture called Bad Medicine.
I think you're in for a real treat here.
Please welcome Gilbert Gottfried.
Gilbert.
Oh, oh, I can't believe it.
Oh, that was wonderful.
Oh, that, ah, what a beautiful crowd.
What a wonderful audience.
Oh, you're a beautiful crowd.
I love you.
I'd like to take you home with me.
I'd like to see you all naked.
I'd like to beat you.
I'd like to humiliate you.
I'd like to hang each one of you naked by your ankles and smear cheese all over
your body.
I'd like it, I'd like it to be, I'd like it to be tepid cheese.
Not even hot or cold.
See, hot and cold your body reacts to.
Tepid.
You'd be like, ugh, there's something tepid on me.
It's tepid.
Get this tepid, they smeared something tepid on me.
I'd like it to be the kind of cheese you find only at parties.
The kind of cheese where you didn't eat all day because you thought there'd be
food at the party.
You had millions of opportunities to eat all day.
Everyone was offering you food.
They said, here, have a nice steak.
No, I can't.
I'm going to a party.
There'll be so much food there.
Well, would you like a pizza?
No, no, I can't.
I can't.
I'm going to, this food, from the door to the window, food.
All they have is food.
Will there be women at this?
No, no, no.
It's food.
How would you like some organically grown berries?
No, no, I can't.
I can't.
Too filling.
It's way too filling.
And then you walk into the party, and there in front of you is a wedge of
cheese.
And it's like soft and yellow on the inside and hard black wax on the outside.
And it's like, you're never quite sure if you should eat the hard black wax.
It's like, because you figure, well, if I eat the hard black wax, people are
going to, you know,
maybe I should just eat the yellow part and throw away the hard black wax.
Then you do that, you throw it away, and they go, why didn't you eat the hard
black wax?
Dad, it's the most nutritious part of the cheese.
Eat the hard black wax.
Or you can eat the hard black wax, and then you run into the risk that people
are going to be looking at you going,
there's someone over there eating the hard black wax.
He's eating the, don't, don't, don't look now.
Don't look now.
Don't look now.
Just go, act like you're getting a drink, and then take a look.
Well, okay, I'll act like, well, I think I'll have a martini now.
He's eating the hard black wax.
Oh, my God.
He ate it.
I think he swallowed it.
I think, no, you're kidding me now.
No, he did.
He swallowed it.
True story.
That happened.
That happened.
It's true.
Today, I woke up.
I waited 15 minutes before a Stephen King novel came out.
I was worried.
I called him up.
I went, Steve, Steve.
I have one of those phones that goes flat against your face.
Steve.
My uncle died recently.
I put him in a mausoleum.
If I keep him there for six months, I can get a toaster.
Can't wait for my aunt to die.
Got my eye on a clock radio.
Once, I was walking through the country, and I looked up in the sky, and there
was a bolt
of lightning, and a strange alien ship landed in the middle of the field, and
the latches
opened up, and greenish-gray creatures emerged from the ship.
They surrounded me, staring at me with their unblinking red orbs, and finally
one of them
spoke and said, Ben Gazzara's a good actor.
I said, why can't he get a serious?
I pondered this for a while, and I said, I don't know.
I can't help you.
They're very small.
I don't know.
I can't stay together in a group.
Is that the only reason you came down here?
Yeah.
Isn't that enough?
But they said, they yell a lot.
They're very annoying.
Jackie Gleason in Casablanca.
You're getting on that plane with Vic Laszlo.
Oh, you're getting on that plane, all right?
And I know that you know that I know that you're getting on that plane.
Elmer Fudd in Apocalypse Now.
James Mason as Ralph Cramden.
Alice Norton and I are going bowling.
Richard Burton as Norton.
I can't go bowling with you, Ralph.
Jixi's mother is coming over.
Jack Nicholson as Alice.
Oh, how I wish these bits had endings.
Why don't I come up with an ending for a bit?
You never do, do you?
Well, that's it.
One, two, three.
One, two.
Come in, all right.
Have a seat.
We'll do a commercial.
Then we'll be back with Gilbert Gottfried.
Gilbert, nice to see you.
Oh, stop it.
How have you been?
What have you been doing lately?
Oh, me.
Glad you asked.
Well, lately I've been breaking in this suit for Norman Feld.
He called me.
He said, then I said, Norman, if you want it, you got it.
I, uh, you know, Gandhi was a strange fella.
Uh-huh.
Gandhi was a wacky guy.
I once, uh, Gandhi once wrote a book called, Hi, I'm Gandhi.
It was him on the cover like this, you know, in a tweed jacket.
Kind of an introductory piece.
Yes, he did.
And I once said to him, you know, Gandhi, and he goes, please, Mahatma.
Uh-huh.
And I went, Hardy, shave your head and don't eat.
Uh-huh.
That was my advice.
Herman Melville once came to me and said, I'm writing a book called Moby Dick.
It's about a guy in a boat.
You think it needs something?
A fish, an animal, would make it more cheerful.
All in all, uh, you know, but I'll tell you something.
I want to tell you something about a nuclear holocaust.
You think it's hard to get a cab now.
Unbelievable.
That would be tough, wouldn't it?
Oh, would it be tough?
Yeah, do, do me, uh, one, uh, quick, uh.
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
One little, uh, of, uh, some more of, uh, Ralph Cramden in, uh, and, uh, uh,
Casablanca.
Let me hear just one, two seconds of it.
A little more.
A reprise.
A reprise?
Yeah.
Oh, do I have to?
See, I know how to, uh, I know how to get these more.
Wait a minute, we got time for this?
Okay, quickly here, Gilbert, do this for us and we'll, we'll love it.
Ilse!
What we had, we left in Paris!
We're never gonna lose that, Ilse!
Okay, thank you very much, Gilbert.
We'll be right back.
All right, my thanks to everybody who was here tonight, Gilbert Gottfried, of
course, and, uh, Tom Selleck.
My apologies to Mayor Anthony Cucci from, uh, Jersey City.
We'll have him on as soon as we possibly can.
Have a good weekend, folks, and a nice New Year.
Bye-bye.
Our next guest is, uh, certainly a unique performer.
He is regularly seen on MTV and can be seen in person starting tomorrow night
at Caroline's right here in New York City.
Please welcome back to this program, comedian Gilbert Gottfried.
Oh, stop it!
Oh, please, stop!
Oh, now you're getting carried away.
Oh, just, uh, ha, ha, ha!
Oh, just cut it, cut it out, I don't have that much time.
Ah, ha, ha!
Ah, stop!
All right, all right, please, you're too kind.
You're way too, I'd like to, I, if I could reach out and grab each and every
one of you and just squeeze you.
And just take you one by one and squeeze you and then mash you up all together.
And just, like, mush you up and let you drip through my fingers and, and mush
you into a nice little ball and bounce you around and keep you inside a little
plastic egg when I'm through playing with you.
And then take you out when the Sunday news arrives and press you on pictures of
Dick Tracy.
And then lift it up and make his face get wide and long and wide and just, and
eventually when I get tired of you, I'll let you fall behind the radiator with
my dead turtle.
Because he's dead and that's it, he's dead, he's a dead turtle, that's it, my
turtle is dead.
Now, a lot of you are saying, well, are you sure he's dead?
Yes, yes, he's a dead turtle, it's nothing, you don't have to think about it.
You don't have to hold a mirror under his nose.
He fell behind the radiator, he dried up, he lost his moisture.
There is no more moisture there.
He's not a moist turtle anymore.
When a turtle is not moist, it's not anything.
Karkagod said that.
He was one of his early, I think.
He said, it's not moist.
He lost, a turtle without moisture, it's like a paperweight with nostrils.
It's a, it's a meaningless object.
It's just, all a turtle has is, you go to a pet store, you go, can I have a
moist animal, please?
Well, we, we have several damp animals, uh, no, I want a moist animal.
Well, we, uh, can I introduce you in a wet animal?
No, I'd like a moist animal, please.
I want a moist, and then you get it, you get a turtle, you put him inside a
tank with a little snap-in palm tree and they go pebbles,
and a little staircase that leads up to the snap-in palm tree, because God
knows a staircase is very important to a turtle.
It's the first thing a turtle can ask for, it's a staircase.
You know, you take a turtle, you put him in the tank, and you go, where's the
staircase?
What is this?
I want a staircase!
How am I going to get up to the snap-in palm tree without a staircase?
Once I got a turtle, I put him into the tank with no staircase.
He stayed up the whole night, standing on two legs, going, "Damn you!"
He's a very melodramatic turtle, you know, damn you, see, I thought I'd go in
for a third time, what the hell.
And, but, I gave him a, I gave him the snap-in palm tree, the dagelow pebbles,
the staircase, and he tried to escape.
He would always, he'd try to escape, he'd fall to the ground, and I'd go, where
are you going?
Where is a turtle in a hurry to get to?
And I'd pick him up, I'd put him back in the tank, and I'd go, don't try to
escape.
And he'd give me that typical turtle, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, I'm not
going to, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then he tried to escape, he fell behind the radiator, and he dried out.
He dried out, lost his moisture, dried out, I tried to put my hand under there
to get him, but it's disgusting under there, it's like, it's like dust.
Dead bugs, and it's like, ugh, and I tried with a broom, but, you know, you can't,
there's nothing to hook around with a broom.
The broom's not curved or anything, so you push it under the radiator, and you
wind up pushing him further back, and then knocking him from one side to the
other.
It's like playing pool with a dead turtle, it's like, you know, you're just
hitting this disgusting, it's not even green anymore, it's like a grayish,
brownish, unmoist color.
And, you know, I called Carl Sagan up, I said, hello, Carl, because I often
talk into my pinky when I'm on the phone.
I said, hello, Carl, there's a dead turtle under my radiator.
He said, did you try with a broom?
And I said, yes, Carl, yes, Carl, I did.
And he said, it's sort of like playing pool, isn't it?
And I said, bingo, Carl, bingo.
Bingo Carl was a famous musical comedy about Carl Marx.
Ah, bingo, Carl, Norman Feld played him, it's a long story, I wouldn't worry
about it.
But, you know, just the other day I was talking to Kurt Waldheim.
I was in Austria, I figured I'd stop in and say hi.
So he said to me, you know, Kurt said this to me, he said, you know, a few
years ago I was in Germany, and me and my wife were having our picture taken.
Well, who walks next to us right as the picture's being taken?
Adolf Hitler.
Boy, go figure the chances of that happening.
I didn't even know this guy.
The one time I have a picture taken, Hitler walks into it.
And, uh, it's like, and then they need my picture for the paper.
What photo did I use?
The one with him, naturally.
Naturally.
That's the one they use.
Naturally.
Naturally.
Oh, naturally.
You know, I was in Canada recently.
It's, it's like another country.
It's, uh, it's, it's like, it's like you got on a plane and went somewhere else.
It's, uh, you got, and it's, it's, it's, it's, they make maple syrup 24 hours a
day there.
It's a maple syrup country.
It's, they live off maple syrup.
You get off the plane, they go, well, long flight?
I suppose you'll be wanting your maple syrup now.
Uh, how would you like your maple syrup?
Little jars of maple syrup, perhaps?
Well, no, I'd like a hotel.
Would you like a big bath of maple syrup?
Well, no, I'd just, uh, place there, put my lungs in, would you like little
jars of maple syrup with North