Name: David Letterman and Johnny Carson, August 31, 1989
Uploaded: 2019-02-21T06:35:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman and Johnny Carson, August 31, 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman and Johnny Carson, August 31, 1989' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-21. Transcript available.

David Letterman and Johnny Carson, August 31, 1989

Anyway, you're in a good mood. We got a good show. David Letterman is here with
us tonight.
You realize that David, with me here tonight, if the roof falls in tonight,
there'll only be 43,000
talk show hosts left. David Letterman is here. A wonderful singer, Julie Budd,
is with us.
And comedian Anita Wise is with us tonight. And I think you're the right group
for this
tonight. We're fervently praying that you are the mighty Carson art players.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you, good doctor.
Thank you, doctor and the great NBC orchestra.
Now, regular viewers of this program have noticed we occasionally joke about
our 16th president,
Abraham Lincoln.
Probably you have also noticed a Lincoln joke never gets a laugh. Now, we don't
know why. We've had letters saying, "Give up on Lincoln.
He's just not funny." Tonight, we aim to prove them wrong. Not many people know
this, but before he was president,
Abe Lincoln tried his hand at stand-up comedy.
We take you now to a little log resort in the Catskills, where a young man with
a tall hat is about to take the stage.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm round of applause to a funny guy, Mr.
Abraham Lincoln.
Hey, how you doing? Hey. Beautiful, beautiful crowd. Hey. Hey. Hey. What a
crowd.
Hey, good evening, ladies and generals.
I just hitchhiked in Gettysburg, and boy, is my hat tired.
But I want to tell you, it's great to be back in New York State. Rough town,
New York.
Guy walks up to me and says, "Hey, have you seen any cavalry officers around?"
I said, "No." And he said, "Stick 'em up."
What is this, an audience and oil painting? Look.
I'm gonna tell you, you sound good tonight. Last night, we had a mean crowd.
They left here and fired on Fort Sumter.
Yes, sir, Fort Sumter.
Wish I was there right now. Look, I...
I don't get any respect at all. Last night, I said to Mary Todd, I said, "Mary,
you know all men are created equal."
And Mary said, "You obviously haven't seen the blacksmiths naked."
Yeah, I want to tell you, I had a hard time getting here tonight.
I slipped the doorman a five, and he says, "Is this a prime?"
And I said, "No, it's my ID."
The $5 bill, huh?
Hey, wonderful. How about that?
Hey, you guys are wonderful.
You like impressions?
A few impressions? Okay.
Washington on the $1 bill.
Washington on the $2 bill.
Washington on the $2 bill.
Washington on the $3 bill.
Hi there.
Hey, you know, I work with some crazy carriers, really wacky guys.
Last week, I called General Grant in the Oval Office and I said,
"General, you've been brought here for drinking."
He says, "Good, I'll have a bourbon and water."
Well, you know, is it just me or is civil a really bad name for a war?
Hello?
I know you're out there because I can hear you seceding from the union,
but I want to tell you,
I went to the doctor the other night and I said,
"Doc, John Wilkes Booth shot me in two places."
He said, "So stay out of those places."
I went to the doctor the other night and I said,
"Doc, John Wilkes Booth shot me in two places."
He said, "So stay out of those places."
I went to the doctor the other night and I said,
"Doc, John Wilkes Booth shot me in two places."
He said, "So stay out of those places."
I went to the doctor the other night and I said,
"Doc, John Wilkes Booth shot me in two places."
He said, "So stay out of those places."
I want to tell you, I went shopping the other day,
I bought Mary a new bra.
The woman said, "What size?"
I said, "Seven and a quarter long."
She said, "What do you mean seven and a quarter long?"
I said, "Look, I merged them with my hat."
"Hey, I don't need this gig, you know.
I have feeder tickets tonight. Balcony."
"Hey, you, sir. You from the south, sir?"
"Yes, sir."
"I thought so. Do you know how to break
a Confederate man's finger? Punch him in the nose."
"What?"
"Hello up yours."
"Okay."
"Hey, look."
"Hey, I kid the Confederators.
Last month, the Confederate spy stole my checkbook."
"I've reported, but he's spending less than Mary does."
"Hey, tell me something. What about these kids today? Is it just me?"
"I saw some of these kids outside, you know, wearing petticoats, bustles, low-cut
dresses."
"And those were the guys."
"Yeah. What was it, a two-car crash lady? Look."
"You know, I had a rough childhood. We lived in a log cabin, which is okay,
except when it flooded with syrup."
"Syrup, you see."
"Syrup, you see?"
"Mog cabin."
"Yeah, I should have quit four-scoring seven jokes ago."
"You know, I think up a lot of my speeches in the bathroom."
"I wrote this morning, of course, the Emancipation Proclamation H while I was
sitting in the bathroom."
"Hey, I just came up with a new drink. It's got half beef bouillon and half prune
juice. It's called the Bull Run."
"It's really great to be here, though. Laugh it up, lady."
"I want to tell you, though, it's really great to be here. I was on my farm
last week, and they've got a new elixir that helps a bull service 20 cows in
one night."
"I don't know what was in that bottle, but it tasted a lot like peppermint."
"Yeah. You know, they just crossed a donkey with a bearded goat, and they got
an ass that looks like General Grant."
"Hey, I kid him, but I love that guy, you know. Love that guy."
"Yesterday, I addressed to Congress wearing a corset and a half-slip, and Mr.
Johnson got up Andrew Johnson and said, 'Mr. President, how long have you been
wearing those?'"
"I said, 'ever since Mary found them in my buggy.'"
"Well, look, take my light, please."
"Hey, you've been a swell crowd. Next Tuesday, you're all free. It's on me.
Thanks a lot. You've been a wonderful."
"Clend, love you all. Hey, yes, sir, like that."
"A great performance. Lincoln, a great moment in history."
"Well, we have done. Now, I've got to explain what was going on backstage."
"Yeah. We took a little longer normal. People at home will not notice as we had
to stop for a moment to make this change. You notice in the sketch where the
hat blew up at the end?"
"Right." "That was supposed to do that. I was ready there about three times to
come on, and the hat kept blowing up."
"Blowing up." "Blowing up."
"Now, it's controlled by a radio frequency. One of our guys here, it's
triggered by a little electronic car."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"The hat kept blowing up."
"Blowing up."
"Blowing up."
"Blowing up."
"Blowing up."
"Now, it's controlled by a radio frequency. One of our guys here, it's
triggered by a..."
"Right."
"Like a little electronic car."
"Yeah."
"The hat kept blowing up."
"I said, 'What's wrong? They're doing a show next door. Kids are over there,
and they're running these little robots."
"Oh, true. And it's on the same frequency."
"And one of the guys ran over there and said, 'Could you hold off a while?'"
"Oh, boy."
"With the rope, my hat kept blowing up."
"I'm sitting there, and all of a sudden, my hat's gone."
"True story."
"We would have been out here two minutes ago, but we couldn't find my hat and
yet, the kids are over there."
"Anyway, my first guest, as you know, follows us right after the show five
nights a week or four nights a week or whenever he shows up."
"Mr. David Lanerman."
"What a reaction."
"Thank you very much."
"Well, you just, uh..."
"It's like we're in a rodeo."
"Yes, it is."
"You can't really, for laughs, beat a remote-controlled hat."
"No, you can't."
"See, I'm back there, and I'm watching that, and I'm thinking, 'This is
interesting. It's a Civil War sketch with actual vintage material."
"That's right."
"And, uh..."
"And I said to myself, 'Johnny Carson is the bravest man in show business,' and
then I see the exploding hat, and I said, 'Oh, well, sure, he's got an
exploding hat.'
"Who couldn't with an exploding hat?"
"You always save something in the bag, just in case of it."
"That's right."
"When you're down with the material, you go for props."
"Yeah, absolutely."
"If you have to go for an exploding hat."
"Absolutely."
"Now, would you have done a sketch like that on your show?"
"With the exploding hat in a minute."
"Of course."
"Absolutely."
"I would not go out there without a net, though."
"Did you see the hat go off when you were standing back there at all?"
"No, I didn't."
"I'm just ready to go out and the hat goes."
"Anyway, the old hat trick."
"It's a magic night."
"Isn't it, though?"
"Yeah."
"And here we are again."
"Here we are together for the first time."
"I came right by the newsroom, and I have a message for Leona Helmsley."
"San Quentin phoned, your room is redder."
"So I don't know what that means, but..."
"The moose are on the pillow."
"Now, see, that's more than new."
"You've been on top of that story more than we have out here."
"I did a joke a couple of weeks ago about Leona Helmsley, and half the audience
got to look."
"Now, you do that in New York, and it's the biggest story in New York in years."
"Yeah, in New York, people, they want to take her down."
"You know, they're storming the Bastille."
"I was in New York, I came out Sunday, and I came out on TWA's non-stop service
for Misfits and Losers."
"Look into that."
"And I normally take the Screaming Baby Express, but this time I said, I'll
spend the extra dough."
"And ask me now, Johnny, what time TWA's 6:30 flight to Los Angeles leaves?"
"Okay, what time?"
"The 6:30 flight."
"Ask me what time."
"What time does TWA's 6:30 flight leave for Los Angeles?"
"8:30."
"8:30."
"We were waiting, people had been waiting for this flight so long they were
actually getting mail there in the airport."
"Actually getting mail."
"Getting mail, huh?"
"Yeah."
"1865, they were getting mail."
"You seem to have these problems with airliners every time you come out here."
"Well, you know, it's tough to come out here, but I love California, I like
coming out here, and I think it's important also to get away.
It gives strangers who have moved into my house some time to get away."
"It's kind of nice, huh?"
"I admire you, but you're kind of running a shelter, aren't you?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"It's important to have that 'me' time, especially if you are psychotic."
"Well, you can blame Martin Sheen for that."
"He said to the homeless you go out to Malibu, and you don't really live in Malibu
anymore."
"No, I don't live in Malibu."
"We're not neighbors like we used to be."
"Yeah, we used to be neighbors and all the great fun we used to have."
"Well, not neighbors."
"What do you mean not neighbors?"
"We weren't door to door, I mean."
"No, no, you were on the six million side of the neighborhood, I was on the 600,000
side of the neighborhood."
"That's when we had the bad truck out in front."
"You know, I saw that truck today."
"As a matter of fact, you stole the truck and brought it in here."
"That's right."
"And damaged it?"
"That's right."
"That was fun, wasn't it?"
"I don't know if you remember that, I stole his truck once and brought it out
here."
"Oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute."
"Claiming."
"Wait a minute, were you out there jacking it up, you personally?"
"Stole" was the wrong word.
"I don't think this man has seen a jack in quite some time."
"You wouldn't buy that, huh?"
"And we brought the truck on the show, then you complained that we stole it and
it was damaged, and we got Judge Wapner to come on the show."
"And he sat here and you bribed him with a half a dozen steaks before the thing."
"That's right, yeah."
"And he ruled in your favor."
"Yeah, I won like 27 bucks."
"Something like that, yeah."
"Cause you busted out a headlight."
"No, we didn't bust a headlight."
"Yeah."
"Now, you don't have this Malibu house anymore."
"Did you sell that?"
"No, I don't, I'm actually living, no."
"Well, I don't have it anymore."
"Uh-huh."
"Sold that to an instant party, huh?"
"I just don't have it anymore."
"You know, it's the funny thing about real estate."
"Boom."
"It moves."
"You may not have it, sure."
"Moves quickly."
"Yeah."
"I wouldn't have a trailer if I knew that was gonna happen."
"Just hook it up and pull it out any time."
"But there you go."
"And isn't life strange?"
"Yes, isn't it?"
"You know what, I was out of the co