Name: Albert Brooks Collection on Letterman, 1982-2012
Uploaded: 2019-03-09T21:41:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Albert Brooks Collection on Letterman, 1982-2012' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Albert Brooks Collection on Letterman, 1982-2012' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-09. Transcript available.

Albert Brooks Collection on Letterman, 1982-2012

Thank you very much.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
We've just had the big turkey drawing, and what fun that was.
Also on the program tonight, Mary Lou Henner from Taxi,
and comedian Richard Morse, and my first guest tonight.
I must admit, I've been a fan of this gentleman's work for a long, long time.
He's responsible for motion pictures, real life, and modern romance.
A really funny gentleman.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure to introduce now, Albert Brooks.
Albert, how are you, sir?
Nice to see you.
I was getting dressed, I came in, and I saw them leave.
I opened the door, and they were all leaving, but I didn't mind.
That was all right.
With them is good, and without them is all right,
because I've been playing people's houses for the last ten years.
Really?
You know, I bought these shoes to walk around New York.
Now, if you buy shoes that are good for your feet,
look how they make you look style-wise, like Bozo's son.
Yeah, that's right.
I feel the same.
Take a walk.
I have to buy shoes that hurt, but I mean, my feet are fine,
but I look like there's guys in there doing other kind of work.
Yeah.
Actually, it looks like some of the old cars.
You know, did you ever see these 1968 Fords?
They look like they have an infection.
The fenders just don't go in.
They go out, they look sick on the side of their own.
Yeah.
So I'm taking care of these sick cars.
It doesn't pay anything, Dave, but it's good.
Now, do you live on the east side of the United States?
On the east side?
No, I live in New York.
No, I think you were pointing towards L.A., but you said the east.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
That is L.A., isn't it?
They spilled me around before I came out.
They said, De Niro did it, you try.
I live in Los Angeles, yes.
So now that surprises me that you're here in New York City.
Well, no, no, no, no.
I mean, there's only two talk shows on.
You know, soon, when I go to Showtime, then it's potluck where I am.
But for now, Dave, I'm happy to be here, you know.
I'm just one person.
I can come to you.
It's silly, although I'd chip in if these four guys would come out to the coast.
No, no, I like New York, and it's a chance to, you know, the hotel,
which they don't pay for the meals on the phone, which is all right,
because I said, and you take care of everything?
No, so you eat on your own.
I said, okay, fine.
But I'm a comedian.
Then we charge you one 90% if you leave some of your food with autograph.
The hotel's very nice.
Yeah.
And I like being in New York.
I'm also here to secure financing for this third picture.
Oh, no, this is exciting.
You're actually working on the front.
It's not exciting at all, Dave.
It's not exciting, no.
It's getting into the crap pit.
It's horrible.
Really?
It's big business.
I don't belong there, but I have to be funny,
and then I can get the money and go back and do it.
Yeah.
You know, it's like, now, I've made money in oil.
How do you know movies will do well for me?
Well, you like hookers?
Yes, I do.
Okay.
I'm doing the best I can, but also, I have some advice.
If there's any people in the hospital watching, and the doctor comes in
tomorrow and says,
you have a year to live, please don't say, I'll make a movie.
It takes a long time.
It's like a thick meal, but it's worth it.
Are you making some progress?
A little bit of progress.
I stole 140 grand last night, and this bank was open.
The guy was cleaning.
I said, is there anyone here?
He said, we're closed.
I said, I'll be a minute.
He didn't care.
Now, what are we talking about, roughly, for a budget to get you into
production?
You?
No, no, I didn't say me.
No, no, no.
I got a hooker, Dave.
It's back at the hotel.
I'm sorry.
But what kind of dough do you need to roll, as they say?
Oh, you know, about 800 grand to make the picture, and a million four for this
piece of property
I got.
No, I don't know.
Whatever it costs, I'm not a teamster, and I know, Lord knows, I want to pay
them everything
they want.
You know, you don't want to turn on your pipes and see your grandma's blood
come through.
There's no reason for it.
Although, Columbia will listen to this and go, there's our fall hit.
Grandma blood.
It was interesting.
They put out a picture called, Happy Birthday to Me, and the ad was a skewer
through a guy's
neck, and that scene wasn't in the film.
That's a strange kind of advertising.
What shall it be?
What about a skewer through the neck?
Great.
The director's going, but that's not part of the films.
Look, this is our business.
You make the films.
We'll do the movies.
Gandhi, a skewer through the neck like that.
Yeah, well, I know.
He laid on pins.
Now, can you give us some insight as to what the project's going to be, the
film?
It's, you know what everyone says, a young Tracy Hepburn.
I keep saying that because it's right.
It's a young, it's a young Tracy, John Tracy Clinic kind of a thing.
I don't know.
It's a man and a woman, a very, it's a major piece of work.
It's why it takes four years.
I'll just tell you this.
I got Leroy Neiman for the lead.
He doesn't do a lot of film.
No, he acts and sketches at the same time.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
There you are.
You know, I got on this plane yesterday and I'm single now and it's like Mr.
Single goes
to New York.
I have these shoes on.
I feel like Oliver Hardy.
I walk on.
I have a window seat.
I come on.
There's this girl I see in my hindsight who is like body heat two they're
making.
And she's saying to the stewardess, I can't.
I have claustrophobia.
I must sit by the window.
I'm that.
I had a window seat.
The rest of the plane's full.
The seat next to the window is empty.
I'm looking at these two.
Fine.
I make this instance, stewardess, why I have a window seat, there's a man over
there
has a window seat.
She can sit right here.
I will change places.
She says, thank you.
Touches me.
Kisses me.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I sat down in this chair.
I sit down next to her.
Like, I get this far.
Stewardess says, sir.
Yes.
No, you're trading with her.
That's not where she's sitting.
I look over the other side of the plane.
No wonder she was claustrophobic.
She's the seat right next to the screen in front of that carpeted wall.
I sat down like this.
It was like the Ernie Kovacs show.
I was on the ceiling.
Here's the floor.
Why is the carpet this far from my thing?
I looked up.
I said, what's the movie?
Six-pack.
Oh, great.
I've always wanted to look up through Kenny Rogers' clothes.
And, you know, when you're in the first row, David, and there's a movie on, you're
part
of the movie because the light hits this part of your head.
So you can't, you know.
Kenny Rogers, how are we going to win the race?
I've got to go to the bathroom.
Hi, Kenny.
How are you?
Fortunately, they should make a plane version where they let the guy in the
first row go.
God, I don't know what to do.
Go ahead.
Thanks.
And fortunately, it's just a short flight from L.A. to New York.
But let me tell you something.
I used to put down Kenny.
Damn it, he's a good actor.
If you have the cassette and you have a thing, just sit this close from the TV.
After a while, you just start to...
It's like...
And watch your food cook, too.
We have to pause here for commercial.
We'll continue this excitement with Albert Brooks right after you take a look
at this, folks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's our lucky turkey raffle winner, George Simons.
Do you have a big Thanksgiving turkey, that kind of thing?
I'm in on this Pan Am turkey Broadway play junket, so wherever...
No, it's turkey Broadway play and junket.
It's dessert.
I read it wrong.
I said, this hotel isn't paid for.
And she said, it's just junket.
So I'm eating junket at this place.
You asked about...
No, finding money.
You know what's becoming almost an integral part of most films is if the video...
I mean, George Lucas started it where he...
Remember, they used to brag about that ten years ago.
He thought of the video game first.
Now it's mandatory.
When you go in and present a story, it's like, what's the game in it?
Yeah.
So I had an interesting writing assignment.
I had to come up with a game for ordinary people, which I think was quite good.
Get in the cab and try to get the wife out of town without driving over a
pedestrian.
It was good.
You know what's interesting?
Do you ever call...
When you call a bowling alley...
Now, wait a minute.
What?
You do?
You call them?
I go to bowling alley.
Oh, you do?
You bowl?
You're a bowler?
Yeah, I'm just a recent bowler.
I bought my own ball.
And I was fascinated by the bowling alley because in every bowling alley, there's
a room a little
larger than this desk called a pro shop.
And, you know, it's 12 balls and shoes.
That's really what bowling is.
Now, there's this guy in L.A. who works in one.
He's a nice guy.
You know, he's pro shop.
He talks like that.
And if you listen to him on the phone, he keeps going, no problem, no problem.
What could the problem be?
What are people saying to him?
We need these balls converted into plutonium immediately.
No problem.
A giant lander from outer space.
You have a 95 shoe.
No problem.
A bowler from outer space.
Well, they have them, and I've seen them.
Where's Steven Spielberg when you need him?
No, I don't mean to interrupt here again, but you don't strike me as a bowler,
actually.
Strike me?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, excuse me.
I thought, I thought, for a minute, for a minute, I thought it was the Tom Snyder
show.
No, no.
I don't know.
I did it this summer as therapy.
It's zen-like.
You know, you get to throw this hard thing as hard as you can at pins in the
bowling alley.
I go, you can dress up the pins like people you hate.
So, you know, I mean, there's people I know that I don't like, and I put little
heads on them, and then I bowl, and I do well.
And you have a coach that way, too.
Let me ask you another question.
Your brother is the first one.
Where?
There's a guy in La Habra.
Oh, no, I don't know that much about bowling.
No, no, he bowls.
I don't know any other cities.
Three perfect games.
Oh, I read that.
But they waxed the alley, and they didn't do it because they waxed the alley.
And the guy in the pro shop said, Al, you want the scoop on the, hold it full
in the pro shop?
What time?
How big does the ball have to be?
As big as a house, huh?
How many holes?
Well, anyway, but the thing about the bowling is that these guys who work there
are like 60 in the afternoon.
By the way, that's where the old people of America are.
Leave work one day and go bowling at 2.
They're bowling.
They're bowling and putting deposits in all at once.
You know, they put the bank window right at the end of the falcon.
I don't, Jim, I'm putting in $100.
Bowl and talk, I think, is what it's called.
And so these poor men have watched, these guys who work there have watched the
evolution of video games.
When they took the job, you know, they took a sanity test, no one said, and
will you hear 24 hours of solid electronic noises?
Yes, sir.
So before anyone can even say bowling alley, you'll hear, and it's Donkey Kong
is the one now you can hear over the phones.
Diddley-dee.
Hello.
Diddley-dee.
Diddley-dee.
Yeah, are there any lanes open?
Diddley-dee.
Can I have quarter free for $16?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, hold it.
Diddley-dee.
Sir, the donkey's stuck and the thing won't come down.
Hold it, goddamn with the donkey.
But I think that's becoming, and Norma Rae was a great video game where you had
to go to all these little union dots.
I was sitting on this plane thinking, there's lots of people in movies that you
don't understand, but you take it for granted.
You know, these people that aren't speaking English anymore.
America is a wonderful place.
It is a homogenized pot, and, you know, it's wonderful to travel and not hear
only dialects.
I love dialects.
I was made for this time.
I like hearing only dialects.
You leave L.A., you come to New York.
No matter where it is, a Holiday Inn in St. Louis.
Holiday Inn, yes, sir.
No, I cannot do this.
You know, it's a wonderful.