Name: The Headroom Collection on Letterman, 1986-1990
Uploaded: 2019-04-03T04:38:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Headroom Collection on Letterman, 1986-1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Headroom Collection on Letterman, 1986-1990' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-03. Transcript available.

The Headroom Collection on Letterman, 1986-1990

The New York Times of the United States of America.
It's the best possible show every night, night after night, except for, of
course, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday when we're not on.
And tonight, you know who's on the program?
We have Grace Jones.
Wouldn't it be fun to...
Very.
And she was going to be here right now, but of course she's late.
Ah.
Grace is late.
It's happened the last time Grace was here, didn't it?
Yes.
Grace was here, yeah.
Has she been late all through?
It was not her fault the last time, though.
It wasn't?
What happened last time?
I think the limo was late.
Oh, ooh.
Ooh, I hate that.
Don't you, Paul, when the limo is late?
Ooh.
What can you do when the limo is late?
Take a cab?
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, no.
Like real people, walk?
No, no, you might break a sweat.
Better not walk.
A bus?
Oh, God forbid.
Please, not a damn bus.
Anyway, Grace is not here.
Anyway, Grace is not here.
Now, was she coming at all?
Yes.
Do we care?
Do we even care if she comes tonight?
That's right.
I got, we got plenty of corn.
We can have a party without her.
We'll stuff ourselves silly with this fresh sweet corn.
Huh?
She's on her way up.
Oh, not this again.
Now, this happened.
All right, fine.
Now, when Grace comes in, she doesn't get any corn.
All right, so instead, we're going to have an equally talented, funny,
interesting, amazing
sort of guy.
Nice introduction, wasn't it?
My first guest has been called TV's hottest personality, who is not a person.
He is a new spokesman for Coca-Cola.
He is also the host of his own television program on Cinemax, and he's one of
the most popular
television personalities in England.
Let me just push this deal on here.
Push it on right here.
We're making some, he's making his American Network television debut, folks.
Please say hello to Max Headroom, if this is working.
There's Max right there.
Max, first of all, welcome to the United States.
Welcome to our program, and why don't you, uh, Max?
Max, excuse me, if you could, uh, Max, yeah.
Mer, mer, mer.
I tell you what, Max, could you describe yourself for us?
Just tell the folks a little bit about what you are, what you do.
It's a little sticky, I think I had a soggy dream, big fella.
There's oil everywhere.
Big fella.
Yeah.
I suppose I see myself as witty.
Witty.
Urbane.
Yeah.
Highly talented, talented, talented.
Hugely successful with a keen sense of style.
Plus, of course, my own special brand of modesty.
What?
Help, I'm cramped.
Help, I'm cramped.
You say you're cramped.
Woo!
Okay.
Could...
Why don't you, uh, why don't...
Somebody's playing with your tie out here, Max.
Why don't you tell, uh, tell us about how you look and how you dress there.
What, is there something interesting we ought to know about your look, your, uh,
appearance?
Uh-huh, big fella, you've touched a sore terminal there, Davey-Doo.
Uh-huh.
Well, for me, it's the old bell-bottom golf slacks and tasteful bright chicks,
chicks, chicks, chicks.
Like those in the book on your last show last night.
Uh-huh.
But I prefer them in 100% nylon.
I like a lot of static around my lower parts, Davey-Doo.
Yeah.
I like the exciting feeling that if you cross your legs too quickly, you might
just fuse all the lights.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, what can you tell us about your name, Max Headroom?
Does that mean anything other than just a, uh, a name?
A daffodil by any other name, I think Oscar Wilde said, wasn't it?
Can I tell you a story, Dave?
Yes.
Let's talk.
You see, Dave, I was driving along in my swagger limo before Grace got her
little paws on it.
In fact, it's been specially adapted, poor little old moi, with reverse tinted
windows.
And that means I cannot see my public, but they can see me.
I do so hate seeing ordinary people getting wet in the rain.
Anyway, I was driving along one day and suddenly one of my fans shouted,
Hey, there's Max Headroom!
And it kind of stuck.
And...
You rest me with your applause!
It, uh, it kind of stuck, is what you're saying then.
Hmm.
Yeah.
And, uh, you know, I don't, I don't, I, this may be a sensitive area,
but it seems to me that you have, uh, uh, jeez, I don't know,
kind of a slight, uh, speech, um, uh, you know,
there's, you have an interesting speech pattern there.
Kind of a stutter, I guess.
Touching, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
to describe a slight verbal hez, hez, hez, hez, hez, hesitancy?
I mean, come on, big fellow, we all have our hereditary idiosyncrasies,
and mine's been able to say long words without the, uh, uh, uh, uh, without stuttering,
stuttering, stuttering.
And, uh, as for holding me back as concern, well, I'm sitting here now, aren't
I?
What do you think?
Yeah.
You're doing a darn fine job of it.
Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Lassie, come home!
I want to have your puppies!
I love her little, little, little, little, little.
I'll tell you what, why don't you tell the folks about your, uh, your new
American television show, Max?
Must be.
Well, uh, yeah, why don't you just...
Okay, what the heck.
My new show has everything, baby, too.
It's got your quizzes.
It's got your songs.
It's got your videos.
It's got your clam sauce.
It's got your advice spots.
It's got your big celebrity interviews with...
Well, I'm not a name dropper, but Michael Caine, mate.
But best of all, it's got little old swagger.
Me, me, me, me, me.
And I do off-the-cuff comedy.
I do links.
Basically, I do a lot of cuff links.
Comedy, I can't keep it in!
That's great!
It oozes out of every computer-generated bar!
Stop the flood.
Yeah.
Let me, can I ask you one other question?
Do you have a...
Sure, I'll go out on a date with you.
Do you have a...
You don't happen to have a plate in your head, do you?
I got a full set of china!
All right, now, Max, I understand that one of your other loves is music, and am
I correct
in assuming you've prepared a little song for us tonight?
It's been digging around the garden of gossip and coming up with a couple of
weeds.
I wish I just had some of the music and videos from my show so I could play
them to you right
here, and if it was in my hands, I would, but I haven't got them.
Uh-huh.
Hands, that is.
Stop me! Stop me! Stop me, buddy! Stop me down!
Actually, I'm a swagger, classical man myself.
Mozart, he's my tip for the top.
Uh-huh.
But, you know, there's not one bar of Mozart that I can't whistle.
Maybe there is.
Yeah, I think that's it.
Yeah, that's the one.
But in the biz, Dave, our biz, I'm seen as a musiciani's musicione!
Uh-huh.
Okay, so now do we have...
Does all this mean we have a little song coming or not, Max?
Yeah.
Okay.
Losing a PA on the floor.
We can't hear you out here, Max. Try it again.
See?
There you go.
You there?
Yeah, Max. I got you now.
Okay!
Give me a flat F!
Sheep!
Yeah, Max.
Not yet!
Ah.
Sheep!
Yeah.
No.
It's been a great show.
We're sorry that it's through.
Goodbye is such a sad word.
So let's just say adieu.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
Max Kedron.
Thank you, Max.
We appreciate your stopping by.
All right, we'll do a commercial, and then we'll be back with...
Or is she here?
Well, maybe we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
All right, we'll be back.
What's that?
Looks like a cross-ass generator.
This is Max Hedron.
Max Hedron?
Ah, Cokeologist.
He sees us.
Where there's a wave, there's a Coke.
I like him.
Join the club.
You know what more people prefer?
The new taste of Coke over Pepsi.
Let's take him home.
Good idea.
Pepsi drinkers, now's your chance.
Become a Cokeologist.
That's the wave.
Oh!
What a show we have on this program.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Cocker is here.
Is he going to send you to the band, Paul?
Yes, he is.
And this is exciting.
Kirk Douglas is with us tonight, as well.
You know, people always come up to me on the street and they say,
Regis, what will television...
And they say to me, what will television be like in the future?
Well, you know, if I don't shove them away in utter obscenities, I usually
reply by saying,
It's hard to tell, but I know one thing for sure.
Talk shows will be using more and more computer-generated guests.
So, ladies and gentlemen, with that in mind, we'd like to offer you a glimpse
at that brave new world tonight.
From the advanced video technology of RCA, folks, please say hello to Larry
Budd Headroom.
I'll just take this right in.
I'll just take this right off.
Is it turned on?
There he is.
It's a great to be here.
Well, by the way, my skull really hurts.
I may pass out at any minute.
Okay.
All right.
Hold on there, Larry.
First, let me tell you a few facts here about our own Larry Budd Headroom.
Number one, Mr. Budd Headroom's hair is a synthetic fiber made by DuPont.
It may serve as a flotation device in the unlikely event of a water landing.
Number two, generating Mr. Budd Headroom requires the simultaneous interface of
all mainframe computers on the East Coast.
Therefore, all air traffic will be on visual flight rules for the duration of
tonight's segment.
And finally, Mr. Budd Headroom is not in any way related to other popular
computer-generated television personalities.
Any similarity is strictly coincidental.
Larry, take it away.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hello.
I'm Larry Budd Headroom.
I'm here to answer your questions about personal matters, financial matters,
and affairs of the heart.
Let's get right to the first one, please.
Okay.
I've only got enough air for about five minutes, minutes, minutes.
Okay, fine.
Who has the first question for Mr. Headroom tonight?
What is your name, sir?
Adam Langus.
Adam, where are you from?
Plainview, Long Island.
What do you do for a living in Plainview?
I'm a manager at Hagen-Dazs.
A manager at Hagen-Dazs.
Right.
I think that speaks for itself.
Now, what is your question for Larry Budd Headroom?
I want to know where I can go to get $20,000 so I can open up my own business.
Where can you go to get this kind of money, Larry?
Well, I'll tell you, pal.
You haven't got a prayer.
You look to me like a banker's nightmare.
I don't even think they'd let you deposit money if you had any.
Any.
Any.
Just keep chucking cave bones and waiting room sofas for loose change.
You'll soon have your money in about a thousand years.
Bob Rooney, please get this nice person, an assortment of florets and tubes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, folks at G, nice meeting you.
Good luck to you, sir.
Who, uh, who's next here?
Hi, what's your name, sir?
Rob Grossman.
Where are you from, Rob?
Philadelphia.
Philadelphia, a lovely city.
You close from Philadelphia?
It was quite a ball game yesterday, wasn't it?
Uh, great ball game.
Yeah, very close.
It would have been better for what it was.
Talking about the Phillies.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I was talking about the, uh, the Eagles.
Great game.
Yeah, okay.
They'll get them next time.
And what do you do for a living there?
I do the marketing for the Spectrum.
Well, what is, oh, you advertise for the sports arena there?
That's correct.
Okay, and, uh, what is your question tonight, sir?
My question is, I am going to be a first-time father in the not-too-distant
future.
Any advice?
Robert, you've got a lot of challenges and responsibilities ahead of you.
That's why I suggest you do what I did.
Go out for that loaf of bread or that pack of cigarettes and never come back.
Your conscience will bother you at first, but nothing helps the healing process
like an endless parade of fabulous babes.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Bob Rooney, please get this nice person in the store.
Okay, here comes your assortment of bulbs.
There you go, Rob.
Thank you.
Thanks, Bob.
Thank you.
Nice meeting you.
Good luck with your family.
Thank you very much.
We have, uh, one more?
We have time for, uh, one more question for, uh, Larry, but hi.
Is this you?
What is your name, ma'am?
Marty Larkin.
Where are you from?
Oh, did you say, what did you