Name: Michael Keaton, Batman, and More on Letterman, 1989, 1992
Uploaded: 2019-04-25T03:46:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michael Keaton, Batman, and More on Letterman, 1989, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Michael Keaton, Batman, and More on Letterman, 1989, 1992' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-25. Transcript available.

Michael Keaton, Batman, and More on Letterman, 1989, 1992

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Nice to see you.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Funny you should mention that because I got a call from the Surgeon General as
well.
He said you don't have to use condoms anymore, everything's safe.
Well, perhaps in your case, everything is safe.
See, I don't even know what that means.
I have no idea what that means.
Was there an insult in there somewhere?
No, there might have been. It was perceived as an insult.
My apologies to you. I don't know what it meant.
If there was an insult, I accept your apologies.
It certainly wasn't meant to be. It was just kind of one of those reactionary
kind of things.
They had the timing of an insult.
Hey, did you see the President today? He came right up 6th Avenue?
Yeah.
We were looking out our window on the 14th floor.
It was great. The whole city was blocked off.
And like at noon, the President was in town. I guess he's still here.
And 6th Avenue from like 42nd Street South was nothing but stopped traffic for
well over an hour.
And then finally his motorcade comes right up 6th Avenue and maybe 20 or 25
motorcycles and then several police cars.
And then the two cars, one I guess has the President and one has somebody else
in it.
I don't know who.
And people as they, yeah, that's a guy they picked up. Needed a lift in from
the airport.
One of these guys.
And as the cars went by, we had the windows open on the 14th floor.
People actually applauded.
That was nice.
Nice. Very nice.
Yeah, I thought that was nice.
Bipartisan politics notwithstanding.
I thought that was a nice gesture to salute the man who holds the highest
office in this land.
Yes.
Yeah.
What are you getting at?
Huh? Nothing.
I just thought it was, nothing.
I thought it was nice to see.
You don't often get to see the President.
You do, don't you?
I mean, you don't, do you?
No, you very rarely do.
And then my assistant is looking out the window when all this is going on.
And believe me, the place is swarming with Secret Service and police and so
forth.
And she knocks a ball out of the window onto 6th Avenue.
14 floors, a ball.
And, of course, then we get under the couch and wait for the rifle fire.
There she is.
Okay, let's see if it's working tonight.
But anyway, the President is in town.
Open the doors, boys.
Let's try it out, shall we?
Here it comes.
Here it comes.
There it comes.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
I can't.
Come on.
There it comes.
Come on.
There it comes.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
I don't know.
I can't.
Come on.
Come on.
I can't.
Come on.
I can't.
Come on.
I can't.
Come on.
I can't.
Come on.
I don't know.
I can't.
Come on.
Good job.
You know, this proves one thing.
Not everybody looks good in a uniform.
No, hey, Shecky, you look great.
Mm-hmm.
You know, today is, what is today?
Is today the first full day of summer or, like, the second full day of summer?
Second full day of summer.
Now, let me just say something seriously now.
I live in a part of the country where it's thickly wooded
and there's a lot of tall grass and a lot of standing water and so forth.
And, uh-uh.
Run for your lives!
How did that happen?
Turn the device off.
Can we turn it off?
Huh?
You do what?
Where?
Here?
It is turned off.
I've turned it off.
This is a job for Batman, isn't it?
So, anyway, and there's a lot of ponds and so forth.
And this Lyme disease, people get it from these ticks now.
And I guess they're on deer.
Yeah.
And if you get an infested tick and it bites you, you could get this Lyme
disease.
Be very, very careful.
It's no joking matter.
If you're in wooded areas, always wear very thick socks if you go hiking.
If you're out there doing anything gardening, tuck your pants into your socks.
Be constantly on the lookout for these ticks when you come in from out of doors
because it's a terrible, terrible thing.
And you don't want any parts...
Whoa!
Holy cow!
Wow!
Dave!
That sandbag almost killed you!
Yeah, I know.
Plus, I almost ran out of things to say waiting on it.
I know.
I was...
And it...
This...
This was no accident.
I'm going to go back and get to the bottom of this.
Boy, the show's going pretty well so far tonight, isn't it?
Hey!
Hey, who dropped that sandbag on me?
Al, did you do that?
It wasn't me.
You didn't drop the sandbag?
Joe, how about you?
Did you drop that?
No, sir.
I could have been killed out there.
Hey, tick boy, did you drop the sandbag on me?
Are you sure?
Because when I get to the bottom of this, there's going to be trouble, all
right?
That's right.
It's tick boy.
Man, I'm just talking about ticks like I know what I'm doing, waiting for the
damn thing
to hit.
Finally came down.
Oh, I don't think a man should have to work this hard on his own show, do you?
I don't think so.
Now, and look at this.
Now, look.
Well, that's very nice.
Sure.
Equipment?
No problem.
Use this.
New from Mattel.
Batman is here, too.
Yeah.
Tell me, is Tick Boy a member of the Justice League of America?
Yeah, that's right.
Was he admitted?
That's right.
It's Batman, Robin, Tick Boy.
Tick Boy.
They all live in the cave together.
And on weekends, they go water skiing.
Let's do our top ten list and then just...
Now, look.
Yeah, there it is, exactly.
That'll work.
That's just perfect.
Okay.
I know we're late already, aren't we?
One minute.
Oh, we're not late.
No.
Oh, great.
I'll take care of that later.
From the home office in Oklahoma City, top ten things overheard during the
Detroit Pistons'
visit to the White House.
Ah, yes.
Isaiah Thomas is right here tonight.
Yes.
He was at the White House after they won the championship.
Here now, top ten things overheard during that visit.
Number ten.
Why not let the Secret Service frisk the players, Mrs. Bush?
Number nine.
Which wing did Elvis live in?
Number eight.
Whoops, was that old table valuable?
Number seven.
Which one of you gentlemen is Meadowlark?
Number six.
Please stop...
Number six.
Please stop playing keep-away with Mr. Quayle's cap.
Number five.
I hope the Lakers are enjoying their visit to Michael Dukakis' house.
Number four.
Where's the bat computer?
Number three.
Hey, there's a rubber machine in the men's room.
Number two.
Number two.
Hey, Isaiah, don't push that button.
Oh, my God.
And the number one thing overheard during the Detroit Pistons' visit to the
White House,
this sucks.
We should have taken the FBI tour.
There you go.
We'll be right back here with Michael Keaton, folks.
Thanks for joining us tonight.
Thank you very much for being here.
We have a very, very nice program.
Michael Keaton is here.
Roberta Flack is here.
And also Isaiah Thomas from the world champion Detroit Pistons.
Our first guest, a talented actor.
This man's recent films include Clean and Sober and also The Dream Team.
And now, yes, ladies and gentlemen, he is the new Batman.
The motion picture opens, I believe, Friday, which is tomorrow, right?
All across the country, and we're going to take a look now at a couple of
seconds from the film.
Michael Keaton as Batman.
Hold on.
Oh, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Keaton.
How are you doing?
Great.
Good to see you.
Hey, you know, that Tick Boy thing is serious.
You know what I love about you?
You're really committed to the whole piece.
Oh, yeah.
You're getting back off.
Oh, yeah.
What are you going to do?
Say, I'm kidding about the Tick Boy bit?
The thing about Tick that people don't realize, the reverse of that, is if you
eat too many
lines, you actually get ticks.
Oh, I didn't realize that.
Yeah, there is that problem.
So we should maybe launch a whole other campaign.
Congratulations on all of the success before the film and, of course, now
accompanying the
film.
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
And how do you respond to that?
Has it just changed you at all?
Changed your life?
Do you feel differently?
No, I wouldn't get you changed.
I don't know how to phone George Bush into the city, and they kept going,
Batman!
I kept going.
And, uh, how about the, well, the merchandising is, like, I'm completely...
Now, do you get a piece of the merchandising?
Yeah.
Oh, well, there you go.
So you're looking at that big-time dope.
But it's, like, you know, it's, they've gone a little, well, you know, it's not
my judgment,
but in my opinion, they've gone a little far.
Do they ever ask you, Michael, what about the, uh, the Batman socks, or what
about the...
You mean my approval?
Yeah.
Oh, that's hysterical.
When you have to approve your own stuff, and you get your likeness, you know,
and it's,
it's just hysterical.
And I keep, you know, putting Jay Leno's picture in there because of the jaw,
you know?
No, they, but they've gone nuts now because it's extended into other areas.
Tongue depressors, everything.
Medical supplies.
Exactly, medical supplies.
They've got the new, uh, Batman oxygen tent.
Right.
Reflex hammers.
They've got the whole thing.
You're fine.
Just let me take off my bat hat for wearing.
You know, it was interesting.
We were talking just briefly in, in the makeup room before the show, and you
had an interesting
thought.
I asked you, I asked you, uh, if, if you thought that, uh, Batman could beat,
uh, Mike Tyson.
And what'd you say?
From here to Gotham City and back.
Yeah.
Uh, I have a feeling, although you and I have never discussed this before, that,
uh, for
you being in a movie, any movie with Jack Nicholson was probably like the
achievement of, of a
small dream he had someplace.
Absolutely.
I mean, this is a guy, you know, I can name a bunch of actors that I would
always want to
work with, but I gotta say Jack was probably the number one.
And, and if, in fact, I almost didn't do the movie because I thought, you know,
he, when
he did a movie called Missouri Breaks with Brando, he had always loved Marlon
Brando and wanted
to work with him.
But he almost didn't take the movie because he thought, I'm not sure I want to
blow it
on this one if this isn't the right one.
And I almost didn't do this movie because I thought, I want to do just the
right thing
with Jack.
Because the chance may not come around again.
Exactly.
So I didn't want to blow it.
And I thought, you know what, it might not come around again.
I'm going to do it and take my chance.
He's as good, he's as great a guy and as good an actor as, uh, as it gets.
And he's truly one of a kind, man.
And when he, one day he, you know, he looked over at me, we're both being made
up in our,
our suits.
And he just looks at me and says, well, we just got to let the wardrobe do the
acting,
kid.
And that's true.
After a while, man, you just worked the suit, you know?
Did that?
Did you, uh, uh, were you, uh, frightened or intimidated at all a little bit?
Like the first day you meet him when you're, when you're.
Yeah, no, the idea of it a little bit because I thought, you know, I'm not sure
what he's
like and, and, and this could be, because he's huge.
He's, he's just, he's, he's huge.
And, and, and, and he, uh, but the first day I, whenever I talked to the, with
him about
the script and we had some dinner and the first day that was gone.
It was, he's, he's, you know, not unlike me or people I grew up with.
He's, I just like a regular guy.
Yeah.
I like a guy you can talk about.
Is that true?
Now people say that.
No, he's a regular guy.
Well, he, no, no.
I mean, he, if a, if a regular guy is, I, I don't know who would be a regular
guy.
Well, I, I'm a regular guy.
All right.
No, he's not regular at all.
In that case.
In that case, no.
Hey, now wait a minute.
No, I mean, on one hand, he is very, I mean, one day at night we're coming home
from
dinner and we're discussing real, the best ways to make vanilla milkshakes and
what we
like about, and he can turn around literally and discuss, uh, you know, the, uh,
Picasso
and, uh, Van.
How did Picasso like his milkshakes?
He actually, you know, he actually liked them thin, but he was cheap.
He just didn't want to pay for the extra.
And short.
He liked them short.
Was there a friendship molded here, do you think?
Yeah, we're kind of pals.
I mean, everybody keeps asking me that.
It's not like we hang together all 