Name: The Etiquette Collection on Letterman, 1982-90
Uploaded: 2019-07-08T13:51:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Etiquette Collection on Letterman, 1982-90' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Etiquette Collection on Letterman, 1982-90' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-08. Transcript available.

The Etiquette Collection on Letterman, 1982-90

You know, one of the nice things about life in New York City is you get to
spend a lot of time
riding in cabs. This can be a grueling experience or it can be a treat and a
privilege if you know
how to do it properly. I'd like to now share with you some tips that we have
put together
on riding in a cab. Help! Just like clockwork, huh? Well, first thing you need
to know about a cab is
posted right here. I'll be with you in a minute. Posted right here on the door,
the rate's $1 for
the first one-ninth of a mile and then 10 cents for each additional ninth of a
mile. So it's
important to bring along plenty of time. Now it's time to meet the man who's
going to be your host
for the ride. Hello, Randolph. How did I know his name was Randolph? Well,
every New York City cab
driver is considerate enough to place a photo of himself and his name right on
the dashboard.
When was that picture taken, Randolph? Last year. You're feeling better now,
though, aren't you?
As a passenger, you should be just as considerate. Place a photo of yourself
and your name right
along side of the picture of the driver.
Now what you need to do, establish some kind of a rapport with your driver.
Every New York City
cab driver loves a good joke. You know, Randolph, you don't mind if I pay you
in foreign currency,
do you? Actually, I'm just teasing. I'm virtually penniless.
Well, that kind of broke the ice. Now let's check out the equipment.
Attention, Kmart shoppers. Everything on aisle six is now 20% off. All items on
aisle six,
20% off. Seems to be working just fine. Okay. Every New York City cab driver
surely loves hijinks.
Here's a dime for the first tenth of a mile and we're on our way.
The way I look at it, the cab is actually your home away from home. After all,
you're paying for it,
so why not make yourself at home. So whenever I travel by cab, I bring along a
few items to make
it a little more comfortable for myself. These are great. I like to put these
in the back window
here. It gives me the feeling that I'm still in my living room. Plus, I've also
found that cab
drivers actually prefer these things to tips, so they'll enjoy that also. Boy,
look at all this window
space. The cab cries for curtains, doesn't it? I bring along my own curtains,
and with just a little effort,
you can stick them right up there over that window. Now, here's where the fun
begins. You know,
driving a cab is long, hard-working. Every cab driver, he enjoys a little
surprise after a hard day
behind the meals of a puppet show.
Hey, hey, mister, can you take me to quiz?
I love it. So, we're all settled in. Good time to sit back, do a little
exploration, find out what
maybe other passengers have left behind. Always check under the floor mats.
Well, we're in luck
today. It's a lovely tie to be worn by a Shriner, and of course, a wallet. I'll
just bet that it's,
yes, it's empty. And one of these deals. Oh, this is nice. Have what appears to
be some rare roast
beef and some cheese. I'm not sure which is which. This, I guess, is potato
salad. That brings up
another interesting point about New York City cabs. They're great places for a
perfect romantic
dinner. Use the jump seat here as a table. Most cabs come with two. And it's
not a bad idea to bring
along a tablecloth like that. And don't forget the ashtrays and the change
container. In this
ashtray, I've placed an assortment of party nuts. Here we have some mints. This
ashtray is full of
important caviar. I spent in there a few moments ago. So, now you're all set to
sit back and enjoy a fine
bottle of wine. For my money, you can't beat a fine imported wine along with
the aroma of exhaust
fumes. Okay, driver, let's go. Just a second. Before we take off, a word about
music. Romantic music would
be perfect, but unfortunately, most cab drivers don't like you listening to
their radio. That's fine with
me, because frankly, I prefer live music. You all set, Uncle Pete? How far are
we going today, Mr.
Letterman? We're only going to Queens. All right. Okay.
Kind of a puzzling notion. What is the date today, Paul? Have any idea? Hey, I
forgot my watch today.
Anybody know what the date is? Hiram? 21st of April. We got a great show for
you folks. And of course,
you'll meet Paul and the rest of the men in the band a little bit later. Walk
this way, if you will,
please, ladies and gentlemen. As I mentioned, we have a man who is a father, a
Catholic priest,
and he's also a song and dance man. His name is Tom Smith. We have sports
producer and historian,
Bud Greenspan. You shouldn't be drinking that. Who else is on the show? Oh, a
good friend of mine,
comedian Tom Dreesen, and dating do's and don'ts with our good old friends,
Frank and Fred. But you
know, when you live or work in New York City, there is one thing you can be
sure of. You're going to
have to spend a lot of time riding elevators. And with any form of
transportation, your ride will be
a lot more pleasant. Your ride will be a lot more pleasant if you learn the
rules of elevator etiquette.
For example, when you first get on board the elevator, it's perfectly
acceptable to introduce
yourself to the other passengers. Give your name and your floor. Hi, I'm David
Letterman, 14th floor.
Marie O'Donnell, 7th floor. Oh, 7th floor. That's the commissary floor. And I
guess it's
very nice there this time of day, isn't it?
Yes, it is. 14th floor is nice too. Hi, Tom Gamble, 2nd floor. Tom Gamble, 2nd
floor. What a wimp.
Couldn't walk up a flight of stairs? Well, what you have here is an example of
an elevator faux pas.
Never deride a fellow passenger because of his or her floor selection. Now, if
no one else has already
done so, feel free to appoint yourself as elevator captain. You don't mind if I
assume the captain
responsibility is for this car, do you? First of all, check the equipment. Push
every button on the car.
The next important thing to do, and again, it's your responsibility, check the
safety alarm.
There you go. Now then, every elevator car comes equipped with a standard
electrical outlet.
Why is it there, you're asking yourself? Well, it's for your personal use.
Take advantage of it. Dry your hair?
Yes, thank you.
Looks lovely. How about you?
No, I'm heat sensitive.
He's heat sensitive.
A trip on a high-rise building can also be a very lengthy journey, so why not
take along some snacks?
But again, be considerate. Be sure to take along enough for everyone.
You folks care for some hard-boiled eggs?
This is where the elevator really comes in practical use.
Care for some hard-boiled eggs?
That'd be great, thanks.
This is where the elevator really comes in for some practical use.
Care for some hard-boiled...
Why, there you go.
Sure, you bet. Can I get you another one?
Now, remember that every elevator has a posted weight capacity, posted right
here.
As elevator captain, it's your responsibility to make sure that the weight
total in the car
does not exceed this limit. Excuse me, sir.
May I have your weight, please?
Uh, 240 pounds.
240? All right.
And the posted weight limit here is 1,500 pounds.
Oh, I'm sorry, Tubby.
You're going to have to get another car.
It's for their own benefit, and they'll thank you for it.
Thank you.
Now, of course, the topic of elevator music. Is it proper to ask someone to
dance?
You bet. But be considerate. Always take into account their floor and
destination. Care to dance?
Oh, I guess so. But only until the 6th floor.
Fine. Be delighted to.
The elevator is a wonderful way to make new friends, and isn't that what
traveling is all about?
Don't mind me. I'll just dance by myself.
Sure. Good idea.
We're going to load up on plenty of those hard-boiled eggs.
We'll be right back with the rest of the show.
After you take a look at this.
Let's jump to the head now, or it's towards it.
You know, now that the weather is pleasant,
the street vendors are out in abundance right here in New York City.
And whether you're a tourist or a permanent resident,
you will eventually want to buy a hot dog from one of these guys.
And as with all things, your experience will be more pleasurable
if you know the proper rules of etiquette.
Walk this way, won't you?
First, of course, what you want to do is select the hot dog vendor of your
choice.
And once you do that, it's customary to make a reservation.
You do this simply by calling ahead.
Hey! Dinner for one. Letterman.
Now, this way, when you arrive, you'll be welcome.
And when you do arrive, simply indicate that you have phoned ahead.
Excuse me.
My name's Letterman.
I just called in for a reservation for dinner.
Yeah.
Metal?
Metal? Sure.
Like a metal.
Well, it's amazing.
How many people forget to pick up their free metal?
And if you survive the hot dog, believe me, you're entitled to a metal.
Give me a dog with everything and a Coke.
Sure.
Just what you need, a lot of fat, greasy food.
See, this is an example of a street food faux pas.
Never deride a fellow customer based on his selection.
It's impolite.
Plus, as you know, most of the people on the streets of New York City are
carrying guns.
Now, it's time to select your entree.
Here, your vendor will be happy to help you make that selection.
Excuse me, sir.
What would you recommend for today?
A hot dog.
Sounds kind of crazy, but it just might work.
I'll have a hot dog.
Here's where it gets exciting.
You get to select your own hot dog from the living hot dog tank.
No, that's got some age on it.
No, that one's a little green.
That one's a little, I don't know, young looking.
Let me try another one.
Oh, that's a beauty.
There's good eating, huh?
That's great.
Now, the next step, condiment selection.
This is very important.
I'd like the mustard, relish, and kraut.
A little mustard.
And, you know, I changed my mind.
I think I would just like kraut, if that's not a problem.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Also, I'd like a side order of peas.
No peas.
No peas?
No peas.
Well, you know, a balanced meal is very important, and your best vendors
encourage you to bring
along a vegetable.
Is it okay if I just drop these peas in the tank there and heat them up?
There you go.
Be ready in no time.
Here's an extra special little tip.
Most of these places say food to take out.
They say that.
But if it's a special occasion, all you have to do, slip the maitre d' here, a
20, and he'll
let you stand right under the umbrella with him.
There you go.
If you don't mind, I'll be dining with you tonight.
Thank you very much.
You know, nothing enhances the experience of eating out on the streets of New
York like,
boy, the smell of bus fumes.
Sometimes the fun isn't overdoing it, isn't it?
Booking guests on this show is a difficult and time-consuming task.
Sooner or later, just about everyone will be called upon to be a talk show
guest.
In the event that you do become a guest on this show, your interview will be a
lot more pleasant
if you take the time to learn the accepted rules of talk show etiquette.
Rule number one, no beach attire.
Quite simply, the rule is no shirt, no shoes, no interview.
It's a thrill to introduce my next guest, a world-famous expert on political
science from
Columbia University.
You know, Dave, I don't know how you feel about this, but one thing that the
neo-colonialists
fail to realize is that an oligarchy cannot survive in a strictly monolistic
society.
Gosh, I'd love to talk some more about this fascinating topic, but we're out of
time.
Thank you so much for dropping by.
That was rule number two.
Don't use words the host does not know.
Hello, Dave.
I'm happy to be here tonight.
That's what he said.
Hello, Dave.
I'm happy to be here tonight.
The name of my book is.
You're supposed to break in on that one.
Rule number three.
Know who and where your host is.
Every guest receives a photo of the host and a map of where to find him.
If you get lost, use them.
Rule number four.
Take off your walk, man.
If you're booked as a guest, at least pretend to be interested.
Now, when you walk onto the set, the host will shake your hand, and at this
time, i