Name: Sandra Bernhard Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 1989-98
Uploaded: 2019-07-18T07:41:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sandra Bernhard Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 1989-98' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sandra Bernhard Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 1989-98' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-18. Transcript available.

Sandra Bernhard Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 3: 1989-98

Thank you very much.
Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen.
NBC has asked me to pass along this program reminder.
Tonight being Friday, we're off Saturday, and then we're off Sunday.
We'll be back Monday.
Oh, Al, do you have something for us tonight?
We have something.
Al Marr, ladies and gentlemen.
Paul, you remember.
Paul, you remember.
Al Marr.
Now, Al, it seems to be the consensus that we're all tiring of this.
Will this be the last box of thrills?
The best is yet to come.
Good.
Just when we're all sick of it, that's when we really pour it on.
Anything I ought to know about tonight's load, Al?
Yeah, well, we've been abusing you tonight.
It's love, love, love.
Love, love, love.
Should I cover myself or just sit back?
Just sit back a little.
All right.
Al Marr's box of thrills, ladies and gentlemen.
One of the last ever.
Here we go.
Oh, jeez!
I'll pass some of these out here.
Paul.
You got about eight tons of them here?
Quite a bit.
Quite a bit of it.
Pass some of them out.
Pass some of them out.
Pass some of them out.
Oh, God.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
Yes.
All right.
All right.
That's it.
Settle down.
One of the last installments.
Al Marr's box of thrills.
Boy, look at that.
Did we see it in replay already?
Have we seen it?
Yeah.
Okay.
It'd be interesting, Paul.
One night they opened the box of thrills and John Gotti comes tumbling out.
What a mess.
Paul, can I get you a pound of cashews?
Yeah, no.
Our first guest.
And, you know, this stuff is not going to melt under these lights either, is it?
Last year, our first guest had a successful one-woman off-Broadway show, and I
understand
she was the only one in that show.
She also published her autobiography entitled, Confessions of a Pretty Lady.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lovely and talented, Sondra Bernhardt.
Don't rush me.
Nice to see you.
I've made that mistake before, something worth waiting for, Miss Taylor Dane,
at her very
best.
You know, don't stop.
I love the music I know lives with all the great new singers.
How are you?
No, no, no.
Thank you.
Oh, Dave.
Well, no, you could have injured me there.
I have a very, very sensitive neck.
I love you.
I have some...
With all the great new singers, the Taylor Danes, the Pebbles, the Pollywoods,
the
the Paula Abduls.
Sometimes I just wander around, aimlessly depressed, thinking, where is Stacy Q?
I don't know.
I don't know.
You see, Dave, I don't know what that means.
How are you?
How you been?
Can I just have a little kiss on New Year's Day?
Oh, sure.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Just...
Hold still.
Don't touch me.
Stop it.
Hey!
Hey!
What was that?
Party!
Don't get me into that mode.
Don't get me into my stripper mode tonight.
I'm better than that.
Not much.
I know in your little one-woman show, you undress.
Shh!
Don't tell anyone.
It's coming out as a major motion picture in 1999.
I was thinking about you the other night.
I was at home watching this report.
Were you?
Uh-oh.
I was at home watching this report.
I'm scared.
About people who have lived all their lives under the harrowing curse of skinny
lips.
And now, thanks to an injection of collagen...
Let's talk about the price.
It was like 300 bucks.
Yeah.
Forget that.
Let me tell you about the price I paid for having these lips the entire time I
was growing up with them.
And now actresses like Barbara Hershey, Jessica Hahn, if we can call her an
actress.
Actually, she's a perfect actress if she can make out with Sam Kennison.
She's a brilliant actress.
But anyway...
Jessica Hahn had a lip deal.
Yeah, she had the lip thing.
The lip thing.
It's a lip thing.
And I resent it.
And these women don't know what they're doing with these lips.
You have to grow up with these lips because you can get yourself in a lot of
trouble with these lips, Dave.
Let me tell you.
Well, there's nothing wrong with your lips.
I don't even...
No, but they're naturally what they are.
And these women are trying to achieve a full lip.
A more sensual...
Yeah, but you know, when you do that, when you go goofing around with your face
and stuff,
you...
You disturb the natural symmetry of your face.
You disturb the natural balance of your face.
Look what happened when I had my hair bigger.
I mean, and everything went haywire.
Don't change it.
I made that mistake, babe.
You, uh...
Continue.
Don't let me upstage you.
You should have a refund coming, then.
Yeah.
And I'm having it mailed to your house.
Bo-dum-boom.
But anyway, so they show this woman from somewhere, and she's explaining how
she's lived all her life with skinny lips,
and a guy shoots this stuff into her, into her lips.
Wait.
Can we wait and pause on that line a minute?
Shoot some stuff into her.
Into her lips, yeah.
Oh, her lips.
I'm sorry.
This is taking a turn for the really, really ugly.
Thank you very much.
Well, now what are we doing?
We have to do a little commercial.
No!
You don't need any more sugar.
Just try and get a hold of your sugar.
Yes, I do!
We'll be right back with Sandra Byrne.
Welcome back to the show.
We've been walking and rolling.
It smells like a Fannie Mae in here, doesn't it?
Ooh.
How about a C's?
Or a C's.
Or a C's.
Or our friends on the West Coast.
That's right.
Are you still living in California?
I am.
You have a house there.
You know I have a great house.
What part of the community do you live in?
North Hollywood.
Yeah.
I used to live there a long time ago.
North Hollywood?
Yeah.
Where?
Off, uh, off, uh, uh, on Vineland.
Just off Vineland.
Yeah.
Miranda.
Oh my God.
Not a Miranda.
But I don't want to tell them where I live.
No, of course not.
You know, they'll be calling.
Yeah.
Calling.
They'll be knocking.
Now, what kind of house do you have?
It's a Spanish affair.
A lot of stucco?
But I'm doing a very, yes, it's stucco.
I'm doing a very stark, cold, and specific thing this year.
No rugs on the floor.
All right.
Perhaps a lovely Durso racetrack table.
A Gustav Stuckley rocker.
An 18th century signed Jacob gold bed.
And perhaps a simple David Sally above it.
I'm going with a very minimalist thing this year, Dave.
And I'd like to invite you out for a very quiet, subdued party.
Yeah.
Wow.
Sounds good.
Let's get back to this racetrack table.
Now, what kind of a thing is that?
A Durso.
It's actually shaped a lot like this and about this wide.
Very small plates, very small eaters.
Petite.
Mon petit.
You're nuts.
Some of my dear friends.
Oh, gee.
I'm glad you noticed.
It's taken so many years.
What a goofball.
I am.
I'm insane.
I'm driving myself insane.
Now, what about, you know, the last, one of the last times you were here.
No, it wasn't the last time.
You brought your little friend Madonna with me.
Oh, my life.
She's getting smaller all the time, but don't tell her that.
She'll kill me.
Only Kenny Madonna, you're loving her.
She's had a tough time.
Oh, she's doing great.
I'm so proud of her.
Well, her marriage, sadly, is coming apart, I guess.
Is that true, or is that not true?
We're all weeping.
No, including her partying every night.
She's out of control, lady.
Pull in the reins.
Yeah.
No, she's having a good time.
Now, that's not true.
You shouldn't say that about her.
Is that true?
I can say it about her.
I mean, she's okay.
She's doing okay.
Now, Sean will come looking for me.
Honey, you can handle him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can handle Sean.
And what about, what about, what are you working on another book?
Yes, I am.
I'm always working on another book.
Did you sell any of that book the first time?
It's selling beautifully.
Yeah.
You know who loved it?
It killed me was Jackie Collins.
Yeah.
She went on Entertainment Tonight.
And, of course, we love rock stars.
What is it?
Emerging from the shower, Chris found the delectable Sybil arranged across his
bed completely naked,
except for a blooming red rose placed strategically between her thighs.
Want to pick a flower, your lucky man?
She drawled.
You know, Jack.
Nicely done.
Ow.
Very nicely done.
Jackie's writing her next novel based on me called Comedienne.
Tony Lipschitz, a bitter, cynical, brilliant comedian in love with the abusive
talk show host, Mike Envelope.
Do you have something you want to mention?
You're going to be appearing anywhere?
You have your film?
You're turning your one-woman show into a film?
Who's directing it?
Let me guess.
Jonathan Demme?
John Boscovich.
Oh, well.
Who directed the show?
And, oh, well, that'll be great.
You know, I stick by my friends, unlike some people in this lousy, stinking
business.
And I know you do, too.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Woo!
We're going to party tonight.
Dave and I are back.
Wow.
You know, this man makes me so insecure.
I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, I have to buy a new coat, so he
thinks I look good.
Okay, here we go.
All right.
Are we done?
No, we're never done.
I don't want it to end tonight.
Do that one little thing again.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, don't do that either.
We'll be right back.
Hi.
How you doing?
Nice to have you back.
Monday on the program, did I mention this programming note from NBC?
We're not on tomorrow night.
We're not on Sunday night.
Monday, we'll be back.
Gilbert Gottfried will be one of our guests Monday night.
Bella Taybeck.
Animal trainer Bella Taybeck.
And also the lovely Elle McPherson.
That will be Monday.
So, come on back.
Grabbed me.
She did.
I'm not proud of it.
No.
It just happened.
First time in seven years.
Eh, no, Art Donovan.
Yeah.
Let's do the big program.
You know, speaking of Batman, Batman was here last night.
Yeah.
Michael Keaton.
Nice guy, don't you think?
Opening day of the show.
No, no, no, no.
We got a fine program for you tonight.
And if at the end of the show, you don't feel you have been fully entertained,
well, what
did you pay for the tickets?
Our first guest tonight is an actress and comedian who's a one-woman off-Broadway
show has now
been committed to vinyl.
That's right.
This is it, right here.
Oh, it's a record album.
Look at that.
It's called Without You, I'm Nothing.
Please welcome back to the program the lovely, the talented Sandra Bernhardt.
You look great.
You know, you look terrific.
Thank you, darling.
This is a lovely, different kind of look for you, I think.
Well, I'm doing a different thing.
What is the different thing you're doing?
Well, a friend of mine said, darling, you've got to get into Chanel.
Chanel is the only thing happening.
Uh-huh.
As if it were a religion, Chanel.
Oh, it's not a lighter.
It needs a new flint.
I'm sorry.
Oh, wait a minute.
I got one right here.
Here you go.
Allow me.
So, you've just returned from the continent, is that what you're telling us?
Yes, I did, but let me talk about Chanel for a minute.
Oh, that's where I thought we were going.
So, I march myself down to Barney's on a Wednesday, which I adore.
Barney's a big clothier.
You know, I had a little snack downstairs at the cafeteria at Barney's, which I
love.
The meatloaf special is incredible at Barney's.
And then I walk upstairs.
I march myself right up the stairs, keeping the butt tight and working my way
up to Chanel,
which I love to do.
And it's tight.
So, I get up to the Chanel boutique, and all the Chanel is in bondage.
It's all tied together.
I said, what the hell is going on here?
I couldn't try anything on.
Coco never meant it to be that way.
I was shocked.
It's what, for security purposes, they have it affixed to the...
So, I bought this in London to make a long story even longer.
Well, that's what you do best.
Only when I'm with you, Dave.
Thank you very much.
No, but this is a Chanel?
It's quite nice.
I want to see you in a new look, though.
No, thank you very much.
I want to see you in a cravat.
Cravat being some kind of odd pie?
Or a mock turtleneck, or a dickie.
Uh-huh.
You know, Dave, it takes a strong man to pull off a dickie.
Yeah.
Ah! Ah!
You know, I'm not going to...
You know what scares me?
Fashion-wise, I'm scared this year that Christian LaCroix may not have a ready-to-wear
line.
I am frightened.
See, I don't know what that means.
You know what it means.
You know