Name: David Letterman and "Cats" Collection, 1985-2013
Uploaded: 2019-07-21T00:30:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman and "Cats" Collection, 1985-2013' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'David Letterman and "Cats" Collection, 1985-2013' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-21. Transcript available.

David Letterman and "Cats" Collection, 1985-2013

From New York, where traffic lights are only meant to be a suggestion,
it's Late Night with David Letterman.
Tonight, a visit from Jack Hanna with animals from the Columbus Zoo,
comedian Richard Lewis, and concert whistler Francisco Hernandez.
Also, we listen to messages left on our answering machine,
and another episode of The Fugitive Guy.
And now, a man who thinks NBC may be misspelled, David Letterman!
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the program.
I'll make a couple of remarks, and we'll get on with the show.
You know, this Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh of in Oregon, are you familiar with this
man?
Some of his top assistants have quit and gone back to Europe.
I don't have a joke here.
I just love saying Bhagwan Sri Rajneesh.
Let's do a little something from Cats, Paul, shall we?
Midnight...
All right, that's it.
What is the rest of that lyric?
Midnight and what?
The kitties are sleeping.
What kitties are sleeping?
You're loose, you're loose, you're loose tonight.
You're loose, you're loose, you're loose.
All over America, people are asking themselves the same question.
How did this guy get a show?
And the kitties are sleeping.
Wait a minute.
Now, who did that?
I like that.
Was that Sid?
Who was making that?
Oh, yeah, that's great.
I think we've got to play here.
Where was I?
Oh, boy, I'm telling you, I've got a lot of visitors from out of town here.
Stop it back there.
It's been a whole different show back there.
And save a little rent wherever we can.
Kids are people, too.
They tape that back there.
Anyway, if you're from out of town, do yourselves a favor.
If a guy comes up to you on the street and says, uh, check your oil, don't say
let, yeah, yes.
Say that.
Don't say yes unless you're in your car.
Oh, never mind, never mind.
I was born to sing.
That's the trouble.
Midnight.
Big show tonight.
This is getting lush.
I like this.
You know, ladies and gentlemen, there is no Chinese word for dude.
Didn't know that either.
Well, now, what are we going to do about the Yankees?
Yesterday, they were playing Cleveland.
They were beaten yesterday by the Cleveland Indians, who, by the way, now are
only 39 and a half games back.
But the surprising thing about the contest, it was held yesterday afternoon out
at Yankee Stadium.
Four, four, five thousand people.
That's all the people that showed up.
And they had a big promotion.
They had a drawing.
And the winner got to keep whatever he could find in Dale Barra's locker.
The kiddies are sleeping.
Say hello to our good friend here, Mr. Paul Schaefer and the boys in the band.
Yes.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Hey, how about it for the most happening band in the land?
Sid McGinnis and Will Lee and Steve Jordan.
Yes, sir.
Paul, last night on the program, we talked about the Miss America pageant.
And we're going to have Miss America on the program tomorrow.
Is that correct?
She'll be here.
Miss Mississippi will be here tomorrow.
What is her name?
Do we know her name?
Miss America is Susan Aikens.
Susan Janie Aikens, isn't it?
Susan Lee Aikens.
You have to have a middle name if you're Miss America.
Susan Connie Aikens.
Anyway, she'll be here.
And this man's name came up right here.
This guy right here.
You know who this is?
I've got an idea who it is.
I can't remember his name.
Doug Schwander.
Doug?
Doug Schwander.
Schwander.
All right.
He performed on the Miss America show.
Well, some say stole the show.
This man, Doug Schwander, along with the Miss America dancers, sang The Heat Is
On.
Now you're talking number now.
Now you're talking.
So we're just, we'll keep you posted as to our progress, but we're trying to
find out a little
bit more about this mystery man who's come on the scene and just blown
everybody crazy.
And I think we all know how painful that can be.
Well, he's, he's, he's what again?
He's, he's come on the, come on the scene.
Come on.
What did he do?
He's come on the scene and he drove everybody crazy.
Ah.
That's what I thought you said, yeah.
What about dinner last night?
David Lanibus!
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
No, no, no.
What is that?
What is that now?
Cats.
Oh, no, no.
We did.
No, no.
We're, uh, we did that last night and, uh, there's some talk of an album.
Paul and myself doing show tunes and the band will all be singing it.
Very excited about it.
Quite a moment last night, wasn't it, ladies and gentlemen?
You know, you can't go anywhere these days without running into somebody's top
ten list.
Here's a copy of the current October McCalls.
Do you have this, Paul?
You get it at home, don't you?
Yeah, I picked that one up.
Yeah.
Probably over here.
And, uh, see what I mean.
America's ten sexiest men over 60.
And then it, then it gives you the guys who, who's on the list.
For example, uh, John Huston is on the list.
Lee Iacocca, uh, Norman Mailer, so on and so forth.
Cary Grant, Frank Sinatra.
That's a top ten list.
Here, Paul, the new edition of, uh, uh, Good Housekeeping, September, with, uh,
Meryl Streep, or, well, no, it's not Meryl Streep, it's Diane Sawyer.
I don't know.
Don't they look a little alike, Meryl and Diane?
Which one is that again, then?
This is, um, Diane Sawyer.
Diane Sawyer, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, Diane Sawyer.
Okay, now, there's a top ten list in here.
Uh, most admired men poll.
And they want you to, uh, uh, pick your most admired men for their top ten list.
And it's a, a little poll there.
So, because these things are, are so, so popular, and such solid network
television programming material, we've decided tonight...
See, all of that is the setup.
Here comes the joke.
We're gonna start our own top ten list.
And tonight, I think we got a pretty good one.
I think we got a pretty good one.
Tonight, we'll be, uh, late night's top ten words that almost rhyme with P's.
Okay.
Number ten, we have heats.
Number nine is rice.
Number eight is moss.
Number seven, we have ties.
Well, it's a little late.
What happened?
We were gonna score this whole thing for you.
This was a little drum roll.
Yeah.
Where, now I lost my place.
Where were we?
Oh, number seven is ties.
Number...
Number six is needs.
Number five is lens.
Number four is ice.
Number three is kind of a surprise, nurse.
Number two, we're getting very close now, is leaks.
And the number one word that almost rhymes with P's, according to our poll...
...is meats.
We'll have those from time to time, with or without the music.
We don't know yet, but...
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe without.
Mm-hmm.
No, I like the music.
You didn't like the music?
No, I did.
We were a little late.
You don't like playing along, do you?
No, no, no.
I love it.
We were just...
You don't like playing along.
We were just a little embarrassed, because we jumped in a little late there.
It's not that you don't like playing along.
I love to play any game you want to play.
All right.
What would you like to play?
Well, now it's time to get on with the big telecast.
You know, we started something last night that's got a lot of people buzzing,
but we're going
to continue it.
It's a top ten list.
You can't pick up a magazine or a newspaper or turn on a television without
seeing somebody's
compilation indicating a top ten list in a myriad of categories.
And so we're going to continue with that tonight.
Tonight's category, by the way, I have it right here.
Oh, this is a good one.
Do we have musical assistance on this?
Yes, we do.
Does that answer your question?
Yeah, I think it does.
The top ten, tonight, our top ten category, top ten Dance Fever judges.
Number ten is Lance Kerwin.
Number nine is Jan Murray.
Number eight, Melissa Sue Anderson.
Number seven, John Schneider.
Number six, Randy Oaks.
Number five, Jamie Farr.
Number four, Nipsey Russell.
Number three, we have kind of a surprise, Eunice Shriver.
Number two, Tony Kubik.
And number one on the top ten Dance Fever judges list compiled by our staff,
Dean Paul Martin.
I love that.
You know, regardless of whether there's anything going on, that music gives the
impression that
something is going on.
Have that ready.
Stand by with that.
You got it.
I like the feel of that.
We got it.
You got it.
Well, we're so late, we don't have a chance to talk about Doug Schwander, our
new friend.
Also, another top ten list.
Boy, these things have taken off like wildfire.
Last week or so, we've been naming, putting together a compilation of top ten
lists, which
are very popular in the society today.
And tonight's category is baseball players with funny names.
Number ten, we've been naming, and a surprise at number one is brother Garth Orge.
It's so stupid, and it just gets more and more stupid.
Well, you know, this is so stupid, because it's been like a year and a half ago
this thing
happened, but he's still whining about it.
What are we doing?
What are we doing?
We got a big show here.
Oh, first of all, I've got to show you one other thing.
I don't know if we even have time for any of this stuff.
Maybe I'll...
Oh, we have a special coming up Saturday night.
We're very proud of the special.
A lot of people have worked long, hard hours to make it as entertaining as
humans could possibly
make anything.
And it's going to be on at 11.30 and run till dawn, I guess.
And we want you to call in with your pledges.
No, no, no.
No, no.
But anyway, it starts at 11.30 and it's called David Letterman's Tri-State Area,
and it's
a look at this wonderful tri-state area that we live in.
So now here, this is our third ad in TV Guide.
These are the boys at NBC Advertising.
They say, yeah, we'll put you an ad in there, don't you worry.
And these things...
You know what this costs in here, Paul?
What is an ad in there?
$30,000.
Am I right?
$30,000?
All right, $30,000.
$30,000 for this ad.
Yeah.
First of all, take a look at that color.
But...
Now, first of all, there's, you know, of course on the show, you know we'll be
featuring a
couple of my lifelong passions, chariot racing, and golf.
Okay, that, we can just, we can forget about all of that.
Like Barry, our producer, said, it looks like a ransom note, this thing.
Um...
Okay, now we'll let that go because we're happy to have the ad in TV Guide.
Yeah.
But, ladies and gentlemen, this picture, which, by the way, is not my favorite.
But, you know, I'm not going to win trophies.
This is not my body.
That is...
I do not own a suit like that.
I have not worn a vest in six years.
And there's a collar bar underneath this tie right there.
And when was the last time you saw me do this, Paul?
Hey, hey, look, a couple of honeys.
Hey!
They put your head on somebody else's body.
That's somebody else's body.
And I have a feeling I know who it is.
I think that's Richard Dawson's body.
Because he dresses like that.
And periodically he'll do this.
The only way this picture could have been taken is if I had been hypnotized.
All right.
Do we have time for any of this show left?
What about the top ten list?
Do we have time for that?
Boy, we just...
Ladies and gentlemen, the stuff we load into one-hour show,
it's second-to-second entertainment for you and your family.
Our top ten list tonight from the home office in Milwaukee.
Top ten guys in the NBA named Johnson.
Number ten, Steve Johnson, Chicago Bulls.
Number nine, Dennis Johnson, Boston Celtics.
Number eight, Urban Magic Johnson, Los Angeles Lakers.
Number seven, Frank Johnson, Washington Bullets.
That's Eddie's brother.
Number six, Eddie Johnson, Atlanta Hawks.
Number five, Clemon Johnson, Philadelphia 76ers.
Four, Mickey Johnson, Golden State Warriors.
Three, Vinnie Johnson, Detroit Pistons.
Two, Marcus Johnson, L.A. Clippers.
And at number one, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a tie for the top ten Johnsons in the NBA.
George Johnson, Philadelphia 76ers.
And George Johnson, New Jersey Knicks.
I was hypnotized.
All right, all right.
Now we do a commercial.
I know, it's completely screwed up now, isn't it?
Let's just stop the tape and we'll start over.
You folks can go out, get yourself some soup, freshen up.
Commercial.
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