Name: Siskel & Ebert Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 6: 1992-93
Uploaded: 2019-07-23T04:18:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Siskel & Ebert Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 6: 1992-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Siskel & Ebert Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 6: 1992-93' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-23. Transcript available.

Siskel & Ebert Collection on Letterman, Part 3 of 6: 1992-93

Hey, hey, okay, let's bring out our first guest.
These guys have been with us many, many times.
They're always good.
They're the best at what they do,
and we're happy to have them back here tonight.
They have been the host of their own movie review program.
What are you, delivering donuts?
For the last 17 years, this March,
their special entitled If We Pick the Winners
will air live from Disney World.
Ladies and gentlemen, here they is again,
Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert.
Boy!
Good to see you guys.
Thank you again for coming.
We always appreciate your visits,
and like accountants, this is your busy time of the year, isn't it?
That's right.
Just like Christmas for Santa Claus, David.
Exactly, yeah.
Now, before we talk about the films,
and I want to talk about the films because, as you know,
I love the cinema.
Yes.
You're getting married?
That's right.
Congratulations.
When will that take place?
Thank you.
I am going to tie the knot with a lovely lady named Chaz Hamill-Smith.
Is she a happening lady?
She's happening.
Yes, she is.
Yes, yes.
July the 18th.
That'll be great.
And you'll, uh, are you going to be the best man?
No, he's not.
Really?
Uh, now, when you got...
No, I'll just provide the house with the extra income he picks up on the show.
I'll provide the wardrobe for his children, the education for his children,
the clothes his wife will wear, all dentist bills, year after year.
Every time.
No, I won't be the best man.
Every time.
Millions of dollars will enter the Ebert family bank account year after year.
Every time he looks...
But I won't be the best man.
No, no, someone else will.
The gardener, maybe, at the house or something.
I won't be the best man.
Oh, yeah. All right. What do you have there?
What is that, Roger?
Pass it over.
Yeah.
That was my engagement gift.
This is what you gave to Roger?
Yes, that was...
And, you know, you don't see...
Notice the hole.
This is...
This was Gene's engagement gift.
Now, this is not a joke, as you know.
Mm-hmm.
We're always unprepared when we come out here.
You are.
That's nice.
All right. Now, that's symbolic of what exactly?
What's symbolic is that was the engagement gift he gave me 12 years ago.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, I, uh, thought that it was...
Well, you know what?
See, this is an interesting story.
Perhaps if I told it, the audience would find it out.
You know what I told him that this was...
Because he forgot what this was.
No, no, no, no, no.
When I told him...
No, that's what I told you.
But I told him...
When I told him that this was the engagement gift he gave me 12 years ago,
I said, oh, you know what?
I must have been angry with you then.
Uh-huh.
Then.
Yeah.
But I'm not the best man.
There was...
Now.
I see.
He's not angry with me now.
All right.
There was an engagement party.
I looked in the sack.
That's what he gave me.
Mm-hmm.
I said, I can't believe...
I just don't know what this is.
That isn't all I gave you.
He said...
That wasn't all that was in the sack.
He said that I had forgotten it
and that that had been what I had given him 12 years ago.
Yeah.
And, David, until tonight,
he thinks that I had forgotten it
because now that he's given it back,
I'm prepared to tell you
that that is the horn that Harpo Marx used
in four of those great Marx Brothers musicals.
Wow.
It's assessed at more than $25,000.
Good luck.
And, David, he's giving it to you right now.
I don't know if the audience is applauding the horn
or the camera shot.
Well, I'll put this over here
where nobody can get hurt.
You can have it.
Oh, I can have it.
All right.
But, anyway, it'll be a grand gala
and congratulations and...
Oh, grand and gala?
Are you kidding me?
The caterers are saying
it's going to be Operation Dessert Storm.
That seems unnecessarily nasty.
You laugh.
Well, yes.
Bald.
You, it's amusing.
Excuse me of being nasty?
No, it's amusing.
Thank you.
You think he's prepared this stuff?
I think he has.
He's not this funny naturally.
Let's get right to it.
Boys, let's start talking about
some of the blockbusters.
Which movie do you want to talk about first?
Let's talk about the worst movie of the year
which opened today nationwide.
All right.
Sylvester Stallone,
stop or my mom will shoot.
Not very good?
No.
He stole two hours out of our lives.
We'll never get them back.
And that's not bad
with an 87-minute movie.
Now, you know,
Sylvester Stallone,
for the first time,
was on the show,
I think earlier this week.
Yeah.
Seemed like a very nice guy.
Great.
Did he show a clip?
He showed the suicide clip, right?
He showed the clip
with the people of the mom.
He and the kid are on the ledge
and mom's down there
bothering him with the bullhorn.
Hard to keep from laughing.
Well, yeah,
part of my job
is I have to laugh
when I'm sitting right next to the guy.
It's awful.
It's so bad
that it replaces
Sylvester Stallone's
worst film previously,
which was Rhinestone.
This is worse than Rhinestone.
All right.
Now, let's just stop.
Would you say Rhinestone
was better than the,
worse than the arm wrestling movie?
The arm wrestling thing.
Arm wrestling?
No, fist was not
the arm wrestling movie.
Oh, that was a labor union.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
What was the arm wrestling?
Wrist, I guess.
Some part of the lower extremities.
I don't know what it was.
But now,
let's talk here frankly
about Mr. Stallone.
He does is capable of better work.
He's a wonderful writer.
And that's what's so shocking
because he wrote Rocky 1 and 2.
Rocky 1 was a great book.
And Rocky 2 is sort of
an undiscovered classic.
Very romantic, funny stuff,
you know.
I haven't seen Rocky 2.
Okay.
But you should, actually.
And he should have known
that this script,
even if it's with Estelle Getty
from Golden Girls.
Right.
So if this script
had been sent to Golden Girls
for a half hour,
that it would have been rejected
as too flimsy.
Wow.
No, really.
I'm not attempting to do jokes.
You know, that's interesting.
We were talking to him
and I said,
how many films have you made
in your career?
And he said, 25.
And I said,
how much revenue
have those films generated?
And he said,
2.5 billion dollars.
That's unbelievable.
Now you can add another
11, 12 dollars for this.
There you go.
This is really a bad movie.
We'll do a commercial here
and then we'll come back
and we'll talk about
the Academy Award nominations.
Come back.
Let's talk about a couple of
current blockbuster films
and then we'll get to the awards.
You want to do that, boys?
Oh, that's fine.
Do you ever have guests
on your show?
Could I come on
and sit up there
in the balcony with you guys?
You would be the first guest
that we would have.
Let me come out there
and do that.
We'll have them.
All right.
You used to have a dog
on the show, too.
You had a little...
Yeah, we had a dog
and a skunk
and now you.
A skunk.
Yeah, I'll come up.
Actually, can I tell you...
Welcome to the educated skunk.
And you know what?
The skunk would sit
in the chair next to us
and the skunk
are shy animals, I'm told,
and it would bury its head
in the corner of the seat
and they would have to say
before we started tape,
spin the skunk.
Oh, yikes.
You have to be very careful.
But you wouldn't actually
take the skunk with you
into the theaters, would you?
No.
It was brought in
by the animal trailers.
It's me pretending
to be the dumb guy.
All right.
Now, Shining Through,
this is Melanie Griffith
and not Don Johnson.
And the reason why
she's going to be a spy,
she tells Michael Douglas.
Michael Douglas, that's right.
The reason why she can be a spy
is because she makes
good strudel.
That's right.
The movie should have been called
a spy was Himmler's nanny.
But did you find
part of it compelling?
Did you find part of it
interesting and engaging?
I found that the part
where they ripped it off
from Working Girl
was funny because
the first half hour
is basically
Working Girl goes to war
and it worked.
And then when she went
over to Germany,
do you believe,
and furthermore,
they sent Michael Douglas
in after her
and he doesn't speak
any German.
That's right.
So he wears a bloody
bandage around his neck
and holds up a little card
that says in German,
throat injury,
can't talk.
So he takes a right
through the Swiss border
and back into Berlin
and back out again.
You'll find that works
on most Nazis.
He drives that car
and he's in trouble.
Now I thought,
I had to sit by the way
in the second row
which is difficult
because you get a look
at somebody's nostril
and it's like that.
I thought the movie
was okay
up until the final scene
when he's been shot
with a rifle
at close range
like ten feet
eight, nine times
and he's got
Melanie Griffiths
she's out cold
and he's staggering
for the Swiss border
which is painted
like a foul line
on a baseball diamond.
And you know
that there's a guard
all shield
on that line
so if they shot a bull
the reason why
they don't shoot
across the line
is because a bull
would bounce back
and hit that.
This scene lasts
about 12 minutes
and they keep pumping
Michael Douglas
full of lead
and he was so badly injured
he couldn't flex
his jaw muscles
the way he does.
Did that strain
your credibility?
Yeah, now here's
finally what happens.
Finally he gets
to the line
and he collapses
over the line
and somebody in the theater
jumps up and screams
touchdown!
Let's get to them
Academy Awards.
What do you think?
Best picture,
Beauty and the Beast.
How about that?
An animated feature.
I think they have
a real problem
in electing
the best picture
this year
because of course
the Hollywood Academy
always tries to pick
a movie that's
very uplifting
and positive
and has a nice image
and shows nice people
and this year
they've got
Four Downers
and Beauty and the Beast.
Four Downers?
Okay, Beauty and the Beast.
And the problem
is going to be
if they give it
to Beauty and the Beast
who's going to
accept the award?
Probably be
Mickey Mouse.
Yeah, cheap joke.
I'd be like Walt
and me?
The producer
gets up and thanks.
You know what I'm
thinking here?
The Prince of Tides
nominated Best Picture
but Barbara
was snubbed
by the Academy
once again.
And not wrongly so.
She's a tremendous talent.
That's right.
But this was not
a talented piece
of directing.
It's a big story
from a big novel
and it takes a big woman
to direct it.
And every scene
is big.
Yeah.
There isn't a calm
moment.
Everything is overwrought.
There are...
It wasn't even
the best film
directed by a woman
this past year.
The person who directed
Ramblin' Rose.
Martha Coolidge.
Martha Coolidge.
That was a better piece
of directing by a woman.
So I think it's too easy
to say that she didn't
get it because she was a woman.
She didn't get it.
See, I didn't think
it was a bad picture.
The Academy did a good thing
in giving a nomination
to Singleton instead
for Boys in the Hood
which I think
is a better picture.
You're getting ahead
of me here now.
So anyway.
But Bugsy,
don't you think
Bugsy's going to win it?
Yes.
There's an old-fashioned
big-time Hollywood film
and it makes
organized crime
look like a lot of fun
the way, you know.
I enjoyed Bugsy.
I liked it because...
No, I think JFK
will be the sleeper.
It'll probably win.
It'll win, you think so?
No.
I'll bet you a horn on that.
And Warren Beatty,
there's your Oscar boy
right there, don't you think?
He certainly...
Nick Nolte.
Oh, what about
Anthony Hopkins
in that Silence of the Lambs?
I heard that was very good.
He's the dark horse.
It'll be between
Nolte and Hopkins
but Beatty gave his
best performance
in more than a decade
and he'd probably
get my vote.
Yeah, I enjoyed that film.
Gina Davis, best actress.
Laura Dern, Jodie Foster,
Bette Midler, Susan Sarandon.
What do you think?
It'll be Jodie Foster.
Jodie Foster in that Silence of...
I think it probably...
Man, I've got to go see that.
Make a note.
I want to go see that film.
You haven't seen it yet?
No, I haven't seen it yet.
Really?
No, I've got things to do here.
You'll find it...
I've got chores
to do on the weekend.
You've got to see Shining Through
when you haven't seen...
Well, it depends
on what comes
into the c