Name: Emo Philips Collection on Letterman, 1984-2001
Uploaded: 2019-08-30T00:15:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Emo Philips Collection on Letterman, 1984-2001' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Emo Philips Collection on Letterman, 1984-2001' from Don Giller on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-30. Transcript available.

Emo Philips Collection on Letterman, 1984-2001

...
My next guest tonight is a very unusual comedian.
Not only is this his network television debut,
but he says that it is also the first time he's ever been out of his house.
He'll be appearing this week at the Richmond Comedy Club in Richmond, Virginia.
Please welcome now Mr. Emo Phillips.
Thank you, David.
Thank all of you.
Glad you're in a good mood.
I'm in a good mood too.
I had quite a laugh today at the expense of the service station attendant.
He was attempting to scrape the bird droppings off my windshield,
and I never let on that they were on the inside.
So, oh yeah.
Found a wallet today on 47th Street.
I was going to keep it rather than return it,
but I thought if I lost $100, how would I feel?
I realized that I would want to be taught a lesson.
So, I kept it.
Yeah.
I went to confession today on St. Patrick's.
Although I'm not Catholic, I go every now and then.
I say, bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I'm just in here to develop film.
And, oh, he hates that.
Yeah.
I'm religious.
You could probably tell, huh?
Yeah.
I used to pray every night when I was a kid for a new bicycle.
Then I realized the Lord and his wisdom doesn't work that way,
so I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I got it.
Yeah, I had a nice childhood.
Very close relationship with this other kid.
I was his imaginary friend.
Yeah.
I'd be in my backyard minding my own business.
The other kids would call me names, you know,
like Pukeface or Neo-Calvinist.
And I'd run after them.
But lucky for them, the chain would snap my neck back.
And they would escape.
Yeah.
Remember, once school was fun,
once we were taking a test
and I was copying this other kid's paper,
I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine.
And she said,
Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?
I said, oh, yes and no.
And she sends me to the principal
and I sit down and he says,
Emo, Emo, Emo.
I said, I'm the one in the middle,
you drunken bum, you know.
And he said,
how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?
I said, well, I don't know if I could do it exactly.
I'll give it a try.
And he says, you know, I could expel you.
I said, you'll have to catch and eat me first.
You know, you weirdo.
And he says, Emo, you have to go to the school psychologist.
I said, why do I have to go to the psychologist?
So he shows me the petition.
And I go to this guy and says, Emo,
what does this inkblot look like to you?
I said, well, it's kind of embarrassing.
He said, Emo, everyone sees something silly.
What does it look like to you?
I said, well, to me,
it looks like standard pattern number three in the Rorschach series
to test obsessive compulsiveness, you know.
And he gets kind of depressed.
I said, okay, it's a butterfly.
And he cheers up.
He says, what does this inkblot look like?
It looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil
that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation.
I said, no, the inkblot's over there.
That's a photo of my wife you're looking at.
So I said, was I far off?
He said, no, that's the tragedy.
And he said, Emo, you've been such a good boy.
I want you to have this chocolate Easter bunny on me.
I said, I'll slip off.
He said, well, try it anyway, tiger.
So I ate the chocolate bunny.
And I said, wait a second.
Was this a test?
He says, yeah.
I said, what does it mean?
He said, well, had you eaten the ears first,
you would have been normal.
Had you eaten the feet first,
you would have had an inferiority complex.
Had you eaten the tail first,
you would have had latent homosexual tendencies.
Had you eaten the breasts first,
you would have had latent Oedipal complex.
I said, well, go on.
What does it mean when you bite out the eyes
and scream, stop staring at me?
You know.
And he says, well, it shows you have a tendency
toward self-destruction.
I said, what do you recommend?
He says, go for it, baby.
So there you go.
Thank you.
You folks have been wonderful.
You've really cheered me up.
I needed cheering up.
I loaned a friend of mine $8,000 for plastic surgery.
And now I don't know what he looks like.
So thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Emo.
Nice to see you.
Very, very funny.
Very unusual.
Very different.
Nice to have you here.
What does the name Emo mean?
Can I ask you that?
It's my Christian name.
Yeah.
My Buddhist name.
No, it's my name.
I'm sorry.
You don't need to apologize.
I think you're probably the first one we've had on named Emo.
No.
Nice to see you.
When this country plays Iran, you know, you'll be able to.
It's a pleasure to be indoors.
Thank you.
How do you like being in New York?
Have you been here much?
Oh, yes.
I like it.
I was at the library, though.
The guy's very rude.
Oh.
Yeah, I said, I like it.
He says, you have to prove you're a citizen of New York.
You know.
So I stabbed him.
And he gave it to him.
Yeah, yeah.
I was running through Central Park, you know.
And I had an asthmatic attack.
These three asthmatics jumped me.
I know.
I should have heard them hiding.
We'll be right back, folks.
That's Emo Phillips.
Emo, thank you very much for being here.
Thank you, David.
You'll be in Richmond.
Thank you.
And come back and see us, sir.
Also, my thanks to Tom Savini, Cheryl Teagues, Larry, Paul, and of course, Bill
Wendell.
We'll see you folks tomorrow night.
Have a nice evening.
Thank you very much.
Thanks, Paul.
Before we bring out Emo, we need to eliminate some contestants here.
So let's take a look at the number one from that second round of selection.
Open.
Okay.
All right.
You like that guy?
Okay.
So he's in the final competition.
Next.
All right.
Let's see.
Okay.
All right.
So we have the final four.
And, of course, the winner gets a copy of the new Sam Harris single.
My next guest tonight is making his second appearance on this program.
And he is an extremely unique performer.
Boy, that's certainly true.
He can be seen in prison.
In prison?
I'm sorry.
He can be seen in person this week.
Beginning Thursday at Caroline's here in New York City.
Please welcome Emo Phillips.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's nice to be here.
I didn't know what to wear.
And my mom said, Emo, why don't you wear your grandfather's nice dress slacks?
Uh, so I grabbed a shovel.
And, uh...
It's nice to be in New York.
It's a swinging town.
I was in a bar a few nights ago.
Uh...
I was in a bar a few nights ago.
Uh...
Moving from stool to stool.
Uh...
Trying to get lucky.
Uh...
Uh...
dabbed a shovel. And, uh, well, it's nice to be in New York, a swinging town. I
was in a bar a few nights ago, uh, moving from stool to stool, trying to get
lucky. Uh, but there wasn't gum under any of them.
So I'm in the bar, and I hear giggling behind me. And at first I don't mind,
but the giggling continues. I thought, what's so amusing? So I turn around.
These two guys, for the last half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my
head.
Huh. It's a good thing I heard them, you know. I said, look, you bums, because
I was angry now. I said, as soon as this game is over, hit the road.
As I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind. And that is that there's a lot
of weirdos in this world. Like, my cousins are Siamese twins connected at the
hip. We always have a lot of fun with them.
Um, when we play softball, we'll pick them for different sides. Uh, that kind
of thing.
People come up to me, extremely worried that I'll reproduce.
Well, um, I don't want to have a baby. My sister just had a baby, and, uh, she's
very proud of him. We could have company over, and she'll be in front of
everyone with her, uh, breast out, feeding him cereal, or, uh, whatever.
The other day, she said, "Emo, could you babysit little Derek, uh, while I go
to the carnival and, uh, look for the father?"
Uh, so, she takes the bucket of peanuts and leaves, and, uh, um, I'm pushing
him through the park, and he's crying, you know, because I forgot the stroller.
And, uh, I take him home, trying to rinse out his diaper in the toilet. Ooh,
you ever rinse out a baby's diaper in the toilet? Ooh, I accidentally let go of
his foot.
And he's spinning, ooh. The kids today. Oh, I know I'll have kids someday of my
own. Some, huh? I'm, uh, I'm quite handy with the ladies.
What a hot mama's here today. Yeah, I'm, I'm a great lover. I bet.
I was, uh, playing tennis the other week, and these two hot mamas are waiting
for the court at the time to pour on the charm.
So I said, "Hi there, you sexy little whores of Babylon." And, uh, they walked
over, said, "You wanna double up?" I said, "Sure." So they kicked me in the groin.
Oh, it was good. Yeah. I'm quite handy with the ladies. I was with this girl
the other night, and I don't wanna brag, but from the way she was responding to
my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious.
From the tip of her head to the on her toes.
Oh, my gosh. Emo. Oh. You, uh, I think you could be in the running for Mr.
September.
Um, nice to see you again. Where, where are you originally, uh, what do you,
what do you call home originally?
Oh, it's a tough one. I'm gonna have to trace back through all my old bus
tickets. Uh, well, I was born in Chicago.
Chicago. Chicago, yeah. When I was 10, um, my parents moved to Downers Grove,
Illinois. When I was 12, I found them.
Uh...
And the rest is history. I hope so. Yeah. Now, the, uh, it's a good, a good
time to be in, all, it's always a good time to be in Chicago, but now,
especially with the Cubs, boy, that's gotta be...
Oh. Well, I think once in a million years is totally justified.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Now, are you, uh, a baseball fan?
Oh, I love balls at the Cubs game. Oh, you go out there, huh?
I caught a homer. Everyone's rushing up at me, trying to yank it out of my eye.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Do you, are you at the sports days?
Yeah, I enjoy, uh, I enjoy sports. What do you do to work out, stay in such
shape?
Uh, well, you know, just, uh... No, I work out. I, uh... Good, good.
I ran three miles today. Uh-huh. Finally, I said, "Lady, take your purse."
Yeah.
That important. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Um, now, where, where will you be working? I know you're gonna be at Caroline's
for a while, but you have other jobs coming up?
Well, next week, I'm at the Funny Bone in St. Louis.
Oh, they'll, they'll love you there.
And after that, I'm at the Comedy Gallery in Minneapolis.
Uh-huh. So, you've got...
Minnesota. Yeah, I know where it is.
You've been around, too.
Yeah, I have. Uh, okay, Emo, gee, it was nice to see you again.
Well, it's great to be indoors.
All right, we'll, uh...
We'll be right back.
Thanks, Emo.
Thank you.
My next guest made his television debut on this very program a few months ago,
and he has been getting stranger and stranger ever since.
He will be appearing this weekend at Zany's in Nashville, Tennessee. Please
welcome Emo Phillips.
Thank you, David.
Well, lucky to be here.
I was on 1st Avenue, and I had to drive over here to 6th.
And I thought, "What street do I take to get from 1st to 6th?"
Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet.
I'm in Poughkeepsie.
And...
Oh, that's all right.
Oh.
My car's hard to steer anyway.
I put a lock on the steering wheel, but I lost the key, and now I can only
drive in a straight line.
And if I want to turn the corner, I have to go partway into the intersection
and turn off the headlights and wait for someone to sideswipe me.
Oh.
Go in the new direction.
Oh.
This cold weather's playing havoc with my car.
I called the mechanic today.
I said, "My car starts, but it doesn't move."
He said, "Check the trends."
So I said to my brother, "Take off your dress and help me with this thing."
Oh, woman.
Oh.
Well, Happy New Year.
You excited?
About 85?
Yeah.
I'm ready.
My sister, Kiki, gave me a calendar.
It's nice, like a fabric cloth calendar.
A little design at the top.
It's very nice.
Took me three hours to sew in a dentist appointment, but it's okay.
You folks are really cheering me up.
I needed cheering up.
I overheard my parents arguing about me the other night